The Commuter Blues

Diagnosis

2008-11-03T20:15:00.005-05:00

So what a fun month of health care I have had. Here are the fun stuff i have had done in order of pleasantness.
1. Flu Shot
2. Pelvic Ultrasound
3. Pap smear
4. Endometrial Biopsy
5. Mammogram
It has been a super fun month.

So, the reason for the extra fun tests like the ultrasound and biopsy is that I am anemic and my periods are being irregular and very heavy. I have been checked for fibroids, put on iron supplements, and now had a biopsy done to check for pre-cancerous cells. It is highly unlikely that I have the pre-cancerous cells but more likely that I have Dysfunctional Menstrual Bleeding or DMB which I have renamed to DuMB. It seems like a cop-out diagnosis. But the increased bleeding is causing the anemia which needs to be fixed by reducing the bleeding. I have a few options on the table and have discussed them with my doctor, my gynecologist, and my wife. I will make my decision with the gynecologist once I hear the results of the biopsy. It has been a week today, the promised time in which I would hear. But, no news. I am not worried about having cancer but would really like the results so I could move on and leave all this behind. I am wicked cranky about it.

Also, mammogram, it was the worst and I do not look forward to repeating it ever again.

I Did. Did You?

2008-11-03T20:00:00.001-05:00

Diner Fun

2008-11-03T08:46:00.002-05:00

Happy Halloween

2008-10-30T21:39:00.003-05:00

Dignity

2008-09-27T15:54:00.002-05:00

I've had two medical appointments in less than a week and feel unsettled about the whole thing. Monday's appointment was my yearly physical. First, the johnny they gave me had a heart lead sticker stuck inside it with some one's hair stuck to that. Eeeww! So, I took it off and put the johnny on only to find that it did not even come close to fitting. It did not close, in fact, there was a good 3 - 4 inches of exposed flesh. So I covered up with the paper "blanket." So very undignified. I tried to go through the exam acting like none of that bothered me or made me feel wrong for being a person of size. But inside, I felt I was the wrong size, not the stupid johnny. It was not fun.

Today, I had my first mammogram. The woman seemed almost irked that I did not know how to stand or move my body. Her directions were vague like "turn in." When I asked her to clarify, she said never mind. She did not even direct me how to place my breast, MY BREAST, on the machine. Instead, she grabbed it and placed it there and moved it about. Did you know it isn't just your breast they squish the hell out of? No, it is your chest/shoulder muscle and that is the part that hurts. When I would close my eyes to try to go to some inner peace place, she would tell me "eyes open." I have no idea why. After 7 x-rays, I left the room with red marks all around each breast and feeling useless and stupid.

I am deeply unhappy that I felt like I was the wrong size at my physical, like the johnny was a not so subtle message from the nurse to loose weight. And I am deeply unhappy about the mammogram tech. One should not leave an appointment, especially one as important as screening for breast cancer, feeling useless and stupid. This has been a very bad week for health care experiences for me.

Sadly, I have at least one more undignified appointment coming up, a uterine ultrasound, both external and internal. I cannot wait to see how that one goes.

Poor Clementine

2008-09-17T14:51:00.004-05:00

Clementine wrote this blog about me today. However, I feel for her today. She had a baby wake up at nap time and cry so much, he woke up the rest of the group, many of whom cried. She is having the worse day.

Concern

2008-09-15T11:06:00.002-05:00

Someone close is taking a step into either a new way of being or back to a destructive time. I pray it will be the first. Please be careful.

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

2008-09-14T20:08:00.001-05:00

I joined Facebook this weekend.

Unsure

2008-09-14T19:52:00.003-05:00

I was unsure what to say when my daughter took my underware (boxers with flames on them) from the dirty cloths bin and said "cute." Any thoughts?

Stress

2008-09-12T03:05:00.004-05:00

So yeah, it is 4 AM and I am awake. I cannot sleep. The dog woke me up by barking a ton and throwing up. After taking care of that, I still could not sleep. Too many things on my mind.

Work has been wicked stressful since I got back from our vacation. I think it was stressful before the vacation but I had not relaxed for so long, I did not know just how stressful it had become. I recently had to gather together all the things I have done at work for our clinical advancement program. When I typed up all the committees I have been on, the special projects I have worked on, the research I do, my different actions as a leader, etc., I saw there was a huge discrepancy between how my boss treats me and what the paper said. I had so many more points than needed to maintain my clinical leader status (highest level of the clinical ladder). So my questions since vacation has been "why do I feel like I am on the verge of fucking up when I actually am far from a fuck up?" And the answer is within management. I wish I could say more but fear retribution if found out. However, the other thing I have learned of recent is how much I am respected by other managers and upper management. When I hear that the head of the medical branch of the hospital, a world renowned researcher in burn care, respects my work and research, I about cried on the spot. Medical facilities are so very based on hierarchy and I am very low on that hierarchy. To be noticed by the chief medical officer is pretty good. So, I have decided to not feel like I am a fuck up but to look at the macro view of me and the hospital. However this shift, although less stressful for me in the long range, is very stressful in the short range. Shifting perspectives like this is taking me time to adjust to. Hence, I am up at fucking 3:30 AM.

There is plenty more stress at work though that adds to this inability to fall back asleep. Abstracts for the American Burn Association are due on the 21st and I need to have my data analyzed so I can submit. I do not know squat about stats and have to rely upon other staff. They are always quite happy to help but I feel bad that I cannot do this all by myself. I know, no man (or woman) is an island. But I have built my career, including my research, by myself, except for the stats part. I have not had the luck to get a leg up from anyone.

Until now. There is a resident at a hospital next door that wants to continue his research on the effects of music on hypermetabolic state at my hospital. I was asked to help him out. We met yesterday, the resident, the assistant chief of staff, the research nurse, and I to discuss his research plans. My bottom line to help out was to be an author and the resident agreed. I was not too sure because much of the meeting was conducted between the doctors and I felt like I was not even there. I was wicked stressed for that meeting but it worked out.

I have had so many meetings of late that I have not been able to devote adequate time to my clinical load. I see some kids 1 to 2 times a week instead of every day I am there. This is bothering me greatly.

Oh, a few years ago, I received a grant award that is funding one of my research projects. It was to be completed in one year but has not been completed yet. There are a myriad of reasons including red tape, subject evaporation (when your study finally gets approved and all potential subjects disappear even though the hospital was filled with them the week before), clinical load not allowing me time to do the research sessions, procedures starting without me there to conduct the research, etc. But it is poking along. I have 8 more subjects to do to complete it.

Well, the 10th anniversary of the grant award is coming up and at this conference in Nov., I have been asked to present on my research (my incomplete research). Great. So, I said yes and hoped it would be completed. Well, the due date for the PowerPoint slides is MONDAY and I have not started yet. Luckily, it is a 10 minute presentation but FUCK, what am I going to say? And my hospital wants us to use their new template with the new branding design for all talks but I cannot figure out how to use their template. It is too much in the graphic designer stage and not a simple template that has all the colors and shapes they want that I can just enter my text. Crap. Now I have to see if the graphic design guy at work can help me out TODAY and I still do not have any fucking clue what I am going to say in the presentation.

And it is day surgery day so I am in pre-op all morning without a second to work on any of this other stuff. Or see my regular patients.

And the dog is sick.

And I have not had more than 5 hours of sleep any night this week.

And Sarah Palin. Or however she spells her name.

And friends are in distress.

And I have a HUGE to do list for the house.

And I have hardly seen my wife or daughter this week.

I am gonna buy the BIG coffee today cause I am going to need it.

Vacation

2008-08-16T06:26:00.002-05:00

So, today we leave for a weeks vacation at the beach. Hester says beach like "bitch" which is endless fun for my addled brain.

A funny note, our scooba, Mr. Belvedere, stopped working. He was still under warenty so we sent him back to be replaced. Hester was disturbed that he was not here and asks about him all the time. So we started saying he was on vacation visiting his "family."

I will try to post while we are away but do not know the avaliability of internet.

The Commuter Blues Lite

2008-08-14T13:59:00.002-05:00

I know my blog has taken a turn towards the silly and not intense topics. It isn't like they all faded away from my life. Dude, I work at a pediatric burn hospital so you know I work in intense all day. I just got sick of the constant downer and angst of my writing.

The Funniest Webpage Ever!!!

2008-08-14T13:50:00.003-05:00

I mean it. You gotta go to http://www.failblog.org/
I laugh so much looking at it. My office mates love it and laugh til they cry. Clementine laughs to crying too. Dude, you gotta go. Stop what you are doing and go right now. You will thank me later.

Also, this video on FailBlog was priceless today. OMG! Ken Leeeeeee

Tolkien vs. Jo

2008-08-09T07:36:00.004-05:00

Jo, the kitty, regularly attacks my J.R.R. Tolkien books. Is she a huge fan and expressing her love as only a kitty can? Or maybe she hates his writing and tries to destroy the books? Maybe she is frustrated that she cannot turn the pages? Or do the books smell particularly pleasing to a cat? Are the books infused with salmon or catnip? Does she need more fiber in her diet? I have no idea why. Any ideas?

New Glasses

2008-08-09T07:31:00.003-05:00

As promised, Clara is debuting my new glasses. Do you like them?

Haircut

2008-08-05T21:40:00.001-05:00

I finally got one today. Before Hester, it was every 4 weeks. Now I go 2-3 months without a hair cut. She cut A LOT of hair off of me today and my head feels about 80 pounds lighter. But dude, where did all that silver come from?

More Sci-Fi Fun

2008-08-04T09:44:00.000-05:00

I knew JPP was a big fan of the new Battlestar Galactica so about a month ago, I started watching it. Thank you Netflix. Yesterday, I sent back the first disc for season 2. It just keeps getting better. Unlike Torchwood, they have great special effects and the cylons are wicked cool. I cannot quite figure out all the characters motivations yet and that keeps me enthralled with it. I cannot wait to watch the next DVD!

Halso, I love that Starbuck is a lady! She kicks serious ASS. I also like how they brought characteristics and behaviours of the original Starbuck to the new one, while giving her depth the original never had.

Halso, humaniod cylons are wicked cool too. I don't remember them in the origional. Were they there too?

It has been years since I watched the original but as much as I remember, it was not nearly so dark and desperate as this one is. Yeah, they were running from the cylons and were searching for Earth, but it was much happier, as were all most shows back then. I like how this remake has lost the innocence and shows humans running, in fear of extinction, and turning on each other. It is a much more honest appraisal of humanity.

I think that is one thing I really like about sci-fi books and movies. It often takes one far flung condition and then runs with it, exploring the very edges of humanity and human behavior, exposing the benevolent and the evil in each of us.

Honestly, I like aliens too.

Bummer and Bonus

2008-08-03T21:03:00.006-05:00

I got off work early Thursday and was so happy coming home on the train. I was going to get home during nap time. I could either a) nap on the couch, or b) watch episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Then when Hester woke up, we could go do something fun together. I noticed my glasses were more wonkey than usual. They have not been quite right since Hester yanked them off my face and threw them across the room a few months ago. Well, I was adjusting the arm back and suddenly, it came off in my hand. I could not believe they were broken. Things are a bit tight this month and we have other expenses we need to focus on. New glasses are not cheep, especially for my f'd up eyes.

Clementine was fantastic and reassured me. We talked about our budget and how we could afford new glasses. She reminded me of my FSA account and we called to get the balance on it. So I taped them up and off I went to Pearl Vision.

While I was there, I remembered I have vision insurance through work. I called the HR person and she told me the name of the plan and looked up my level of coverage which was really good. I was so happy, I almost started crying. Pearl vision did not take my insurance so I left.

Through the insurance website, I found a eye doctor not even a block from my work and made an appointment for Friday. They were all super nice and the eye doctor did all the usual tests. She dilated my eyes and gave me these lovely "sunglasses" to wear. Hot! Especially with the taped glasses. I had to wear them even inside for almost three hours after the appointment. Lights were that bright. My coworkers got a huge laugh at my sexy new look.

Anyway, my eyes are healthy. She checked my prescription and saw it needed a bit of a change. When she demonstrated the change, I could have kissed her. Distance has been wicked blurry for me for the past few years. Even with my last prescription, it was blurry. I had given up having clear distance vision, thinking my eyes were just too far gone. But no, when she put the additional lenses up to my glasses to demonstrate the new prescription, I could see ALL of the letters, even the wee little ones. God, it was great.

I also talked to her about having trouble with my reading lenses. She told me that for bifocals, they make them so reading distance is about 18 inches from your face. However, with my astigmatism, I probably read about 4-6 inches from my face, without my glasses which is exactly true. By moving the page further away, I could then read perfectly with my reading lenses. Again, I was so thrilled.

Let me just say, picking out frames is wicked hard when your eyes are all dilated and you are wincing at the slightest light and you cannot focus properly. The lady assisting me picked out these big chunky black and red Christian Dior frames. Ummm, no. I chose some cool new frames that are more sturdy than the last, which means no thin wire frames. I think you all will approve of the new look which Clara the dog will be debuting in 1 to 1 1/2 weeks. Remember the last debut?

It was a bummer that my glasses broke and that my afternoon plans were changed, but it was a huge bonus that my glasses total with cool new frames (originally 229 but under 90 with the insurance discount), lenses (20 plus 51 for anti-reflection and something more for super thin cause my eyes are that bad), and the $20 eye check-up, was $249. If you wear glasses, you know that is a KICK ASS price for non-hideous, non-80's, non-taupe glasses frames. I am thrilled!

Torchwood

2008-07-30T20:43:00.000-05:00

I have started watching Torchwood, a sci-fi show from the BBC. It is awesome as it has aliens, interesting plots, compelling characters, and everyone is a bit gay. Oh, they all seem to be kissing or having sex too.

Some of the aliens are well done with special effects like this gaseous alien that has lots of sex. Funny, when I am gaseous, sex is the last thing I want to do.

This one was pretty cool too. Great special effects. When in human form, she was wicked gay!

This one, well, it was just silly. As she chased the Torchwood cast around their secret lair, she made these big booming steps, being she is part metal, I guess. It was nothing but cheese.

This one was the worst. It was a cool premise but when it was awakened and moving around, it looked like a big sock puppet being moved around by a talented toddler with the characters superimposed in front of it looking scared they were going to be smashed.

Oh well, crazy aliens have never stopped me before. I was a faithful Dr. Who fan and once they had a monster that was pretty much a man under a blanket flailing about. But I kept watching. I also loved and could recite many of the old Star Trek episodes with my brother. They had some doozies of aliens too. Remember the positive and negative sides of the same man who would fight and the camera would go all black and white and reverse black and white? Good times.

Catch Up.

2008-07-28T18:24:00.005-05:00

Clementine has been after me to post again. So here is my post of what I have been up to.

Our farm share started and both of us are trying to cook and eat all the veggies we get. They are delicious but definitely more than we usually have. Both of us are making conscious efforts to eat veggies we may not like a lot in order to model good eating behaviour to Hester as well as to not send all this food to the compost bin. Also, our garden is growing beautiful tomatoes.
We went to our town's 4th of July concert and fireworks display. As we ran around with Hester, I noticed that the program was exactly the same as two years ago but different from last year. We laughed at the possibility that they only have two programs of music that they rotate.

Clementine and Hester visited the in-laws in July. They were gone for 5 days but it felt much longer. Instead of moping around the house, I worked on remodeling this toy kitchen. I sanded it, replaced the hardware, painted it, and polyurethanes it. Not bad, eh?

When they returned, we went to Clementine's family reunion. Lots of visiting in a few days.
The weather has been lots of rain and thunderstorms which have curtailed our Mumzy-Hester day adventures. We did go to two zoos recently. Hester has learned to say emu, flamingo, and buffalo. Also, we saw this tiger swimming because it was so hot.

Hester had her 18 month blood work including the lead test (2!!) and a extra test for a condition she might have since birth but they could not test until now. She does not have it and Clem and I are breathing a big sigh/sob of relief. I did not know I was so worried about it. Also, someone is getting four teeth at the same time.

Hester has started exhibiting anxiety in the doctor's office. We purchased a doctor kit, I brought home some syringes, and we bought some going to the doctor books. We do lots of medical play to teach her about the different medical equipment, gain mastery over them, and allow her to play her experiences. It helped some but clearly we need to do more. Her doctor is cool with us stopping by to say hi between now and her 2 year appointment.

Also, 2 year appointment!!!! Halso!!!!!!!

We went to a spray pool with friends from our Queer Adoptive Parents group. It is so great to have friends. Hester loved playing in the pool. So did we cause it was so HOT!
Hester has started showing interest in the potty so we bought a book about it (Mr. Rogers) and she sits on the potty when she wants to throughout the day. It is just the beginning and we just want her to get comfortable with the idea of the potty.

We went to the wedding of a former intern. It was in Wellfleet (Cape Cod) and was so very beautiful. Hester was so taken with the bride and groom, she learned their names and called to them throughout the party. She also got to walk on the beach the first time. She loved the ocean and the sand.

At work, I hosted nine visitors from a music therapy program in Japan. We had a mini conference with the other music therapist I work with, a music therapist who works at a hospital near by, and I presenting on medical music therapy. It was really cool to meet them. They were so very appreciative and the professor had the students sing two songs to thank me. It was beautiful. The professor was so excited for my work and what I was saying, she wants me to come to present in Japan. That would be way cool. She also thought I should be teaching medical music therapy at a local university, where she got her Masters degree. She was going to talk to the head of the program there about me. OK, that would be way cool too.

I have nine subjects to go on one study I am working on. Oh, please, may it be done soon!!!!

I was asked to serve on a small (6 person) task force by the president of the American Music Therapy Association. We are to work on the research priority. I am a bit nervous about this as the other five members are professors, PhDs, and superstars in research. I have a MA, am a clinician, and have published only 2 research articles. I feel a bit out of my league on this one. Actually, I feel WAY out of my league. EEEEE!!!!

Work is very busy, intense, and stressful. I'll stop there so I don't write any horribly downer post about it.

So that is the past month. Kind of busy, I guess. Funny, now I see why I have not posted much. I will try to post more. OK Clementine?

Happy Pride Everybody

2008-06-13T18:58:00.004-05:00

It is Pride here in MA. Tomorrow is the parade in Boston and we are going with friends. It will be nice. I am happy it is Pride and thrilled to live in the most free state in the Union. I just feel a bit lack luster cause I have Hester's most recent cold. I secretly want to stay in bed and sleep. But Pride comes once a year (unless you travel about going to the different major cities' Pride celebrations making it last for a month or more) and I need to perk up and be gay.

Note to self: do not share ice cream cones with daughter who has a cold.

Hospital Q

2008-06-07T18:59:00.002-05:00

A few things have happened at work over the past few months that have been uncomfortable for me as a queer person. One that is more recent and has stuck with me for a while was when a coworker wanted to play for me the two gay songs from the musical "Avenue Q." She thought I would find them funny; I did not. Alright, the songs were mildly amusing but the fact she thought I would like them because I am gay did not thrill me at all. As I sat there listening to songs who's main theme was the fear of coming out, I watched her chortle until she was nearly in tears. I was not amused at all at this point. When the songs ended, I said I had to go see a patient or something and left. I did not tell her my feelings about the songs for a) everyone in my dept. is thrilled about "Avenue Q" currently, b) I don't want to come off as the angry militant dyke, and c) I wanted to think about my reaction.

I talked with Clementine that evening about it. She understood where i was coming from and said she would feel about the same too. She said she thought I was upset because it is a musical for younger people and I am too old for it. I heard what she was saying and agreed to a point. But i thought it was something more.

I was upset that my coworker, who probably has never had to live in the closet, fearful to be her true self because of family, church, societal rejection, loosing a job, loosing housing, violence, self-fear/loathing, etc., was getting her jollies listening to a song about having a beard (made up or fake girlfriend for a gay man). I have been in the position to fear coming out of the closet, fearful of society, loosing my internship, loosing friends, loosing housing, scorn, and violence. I have been there when the pressures to be your honest true self are warring with the pressures to hide and you feel like one will cause you to explode while the other will crush you. That was years ago but I remember it well. More recently, despite living very out and open, every day there are options and choices to make of do i come out to this person or not, do I say something to the librarian, the plumber, the patient's mother, the waitress, etc. How dare she laugh at this, this woman who has no idea, no hint of understanding of what it is to be under these pressures. How dare she laugh and share it with me, expecting me to find it funny because I am gay?

It could be the thing where when you are a minority, it is OK to poke fun at yourself and the group to which you belong but if you are part of the majority, it is not cool to poke fun at a minority group. Some language and jokes can be off-limits for members of the majority. Like Clementine can call me a dyke but if my straight coworkers cannot. If Clementine had played the song for me, I may have had a totally different experience and laughed my ass off, but that is because she knows. My coworker, from what I can tell, does not know. Not at all.

It seems to be a culture at the hospital to share anti-queer comments with me too, as they look to me to support their f'd up viewpoints. Comments have been made to me about a transgender kid who comes in periodically to the hospital. Many of us have known this kid since early school age and now the kid is a teen. We have known him as a boy who loved Barbie. Now she appears to be living as a woman. And my coworkers think it is OK to come to me with comments about her appearance and what she chooses to wear. They think I will understand and sympathize with their discomfort. I try to educate but it falls on deaf ears and the more I try the worse it gets.

I reached the end of my rope about it and emailed management that I have heard these comments. I pointed out how it creates a unsafe environment for the queer and transgender kids at the hospital. They listened and are working to provide education to the staff about GLBTQ issues. They even asked my input on possible speakers. Good, huh?

Well, I guess it is time for this because the head of the nurse education staff told me that she had to Google LGBTQ to find out what it stood for. She thought it was funny she did not know.

Mystic Aquarium

2008-06-05T19:39:00.001-05:00

Hester, Clementine and I went on our Mystical Fish Adventure last weekend and had a wonderful time. The adventure was a trip to Mystic, CT. There we went to the Mystic Aquarium (fun), Mystic Pizza (yum), toodling around the downtown area, and watching a Memorial Day parade.

Here are some pictures.

PS. Don't go to Mystic Aquarium on Memorial Day Weekend unless you love large unruly crowds.

Get a Life

2008-06-05T18:48:00.001-05:00

Yeah, news agencies need to find something real to report on.
Gahh!

more tar

2008-06-05T04:43:00.003-05:00

Also, last night, during dinner, a song came on a CD and Hester started pointing into the living room and saying all sorts of stuff that neither of us knew what she was saying. She was very insistent. We tried to figure it out and I finally caught the word "tar" in it. I realized I played the song on the CD for her on my guitar once last week. I asked if she was saying she wanted me to play the song for her again on my guitar and she smiled and said "tar."
What a memory on this kid!

Commuting Green

2008-06-04T04:45:00.001-05:00

So, as you have noted from my previous posts, the price of gas is on my mind. Very much on my mind. It costs way too much now and I have heard analysts on NPR talk about it getting as high as $7 a gallon. $7!!!! Holy Crap, that is a lot of money.

Currently, I work a 4 day work week, two 12 hour shifts and two 8 hour shifts. The commuter rail schedule to my town is not very good, as I have said on many occasions. On Wednesday and Thursday, my 8 hour days, I take the commuter rail in and home. It leaves the station at 5:43 AM and I get back to the station at 6:30 PM. Gross, but OK. On my late days, I get off at 8:30 PM and the next train home is at 10 something which arrives at 11:45 PM. Hence, my driving two days.

To be more economical, I have been parking at Riverside and taking the Green line into Boston. It is long but OK. But even driving there is 30 miles each way. With gas, toll, parking, wear and tear, that is a lot of money.

I looked at my schedule and the train schedule and believe I can modify my hours on Tuesday to be able to take the 8:20 PM train to be home by 10 PM, saving one round trip worth of gas. That is good, right? But on Fridays, I have to be there until 8:30 PM. There is no changing my schedule. If I were to be good, I would take the train home and be home at midnight. But that makes me so upset and frustrated.

So what should I do, blog friends? Be a good green citizen, conserve gas, keep our costs lower, and take the train every day, even though I will get home at midnight after leaving that morning at 5:43 AM? Do I increase our costs, use fossil fuels and drive in on Fridays, which will get me home between 10 and 11 PM (depending on the Green Line and Red Sox games)? Help me out and give me your opinion.

Tar

2008-06-03T19:15:00.001-05:00

Many people at work or who know I am a music therapist ask me if Hester likes it when I play the guitar. Embarassed, I mumble some answer and try to get away from that conversation quickly. You see, I had not played my guitar for Hester until last week. It wasn't an active choice to not play, I just don't play much at home cause I play all day at work. After someone saying something about that last week, I thought about it all the way home on the train. I decided to institute guitar time after dinner a few nights a week.

Hester liked it immediately and learned the word guitar, which she says as "tar." She likes to try to strum it and grab the neck. She also likes to slip her little hand and arm into the sound hole.

I am really happy to share this gift with Hester.

First 100 Words

2008-06-02T19:08:00.002-05:00

One of Hester's first 100 words (and one of her clearer words) is vulva.

It started one day when she grabbed her vulva and said "yuck." This came about because when we change her poop diapers, we try to keep her from grabbing the diaper or the poop by saying "yuck." This works pretty good. But then I was horrified to see that she had generalized the "yuck" to the area not just the poop. So I started explaining to her that poop was yuck but her vulva was not. I taught her the word for vulva so she did not call it "yuck." Clearly, she likes the word and has learned it for she says vulva nearly every diaper change now and will point to her vulva.

She also learned "cuckoo" today. However, despite my teaching, she did not learn to say "mama cuckoo." Bummer.

WTF Part Deux

2008-05-27T04:11:00.002-05:00

WTF

2008-05-24T12:11:00.002-05:00

Clementine!!!

2008-05-22T15:05:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to my dearest Clementine!

I love you super muchly!

Hester loves you too!

Writing

2008-05-20T19:55:00.003-05:00

Hi there blog friends.
I just want to say that I am so happy that I am finally writing a manuscript for a journal article. I wanted to write this for three or so years but have not had the a) time, b) energy, c) guts to do it. But I decided it was time to, as my dad says, "Shit or get off the pot." I have one hour of unstructured free time at work each week and I have been using that time to get this done. I think the first draft will be complete in 2-3 weeks! I am thrilled.

**Update**
I actually had some more time this week and finished all of the first draft but the conclusion and the abstract. Next, I have to go through and make sure everything is cited, have my co-author read it, and start the endless seeming revisions. But the biggest hurdle of finding the first set of words to convey my ideas is over.

Strike 2

2008-05-14T20:46:00.002-05:00

OK, so it is crunch time for Clementine's birthday and I have 2 strikes. Good lord, I gotta pull something together soon or . . . .

Actually, she says she does not want anything for her birthday except cake, singing, and a card from Hester. Hester and I have other plans. We want Clementine to know just how much we treasure her by picking out something wicked awesome for her that she will love.

I have come up with two ideas that have flopped. The first was "The Chocolate Tour." Sounds good, huh? First, we would drive to Walpole, NH to Burdick Chocolates headquarters to see (and eat) from the mother ship of fine chocolates! Then after that feast de cocoa, we would drive up to Burlington, VT. There we would visit the Lake Champlaine Chocolate factory and Ben and Jerry's Ice cream factory, as well as doing other fun things. This trip had to be cancelled due to the fact that the Lake Champlaine factory is only open for tours on weekdays and Clementine could not take a weekday off this year for the trip.

The second idea flopped tonight. I distinctly remembered Clementine talking about wanting a hammock for our yard a few years ago. I ordered a nice hammock and was all proud I had found a great gift. In talking to her tonight, I learned a) she does not feel comfortable relaxing in our yard because of icky neighborhood, b) she reminded me she cannot swing on a swing without feeling ill, c) she got seasick while scuba diving from the motion, d) she has actually never tried a hammock and does not know if she will get ill or not. Yeah, so that isn't going to work. Hello returns.

So anyone have any good ideas? Toss me a bone!

My Latest Library Run

2008-05-01T22:25:00.005-05:00

I got this. Finished it today. It was fabulously crappy but fun.

And this. Love the series. Awesome culmination of the previous books. Also fabulously crappy!

And this. Gonna start it tonight. Yet more fabulous crap.

And this.

What?

More Knitting Tales of Woe

2008-05-01T20:13:00.000-05:00

Remember this monstrous hat?

Well, after felting, it became this cute hat.

It perfectly fit Hester's 12 month old head. It is a pattern in Knit One, Felt Two. Since it was so cute and my favorite color, I decided I wanted one too to be matchy matchy with Hester. So I figured out how big it needed to be before knitting to fit me. Supposedly. Perhaps my math was fuzzy because it was HUGE when I finished knitting it.

But I thought, It may work out. Felting shrinks it a lot some times. No such luck this time. It is the size of a small trash can. Much too large to be a hat. So my hat became a slipper basket for the wee little ones that Clementine cares for.

Better luck next time!

Mumzy Baby Day

2008-04-30T20:42:00.000-05:00

This week's Mumzy Baby day was not so fun. It started nice with hashbrowns for breakfast but went down hill when I had to take Hester to the doctor for her 15 month check up. It included two shots. Not such a good time. But she got a very nice book this time because of the reading program the practice is a part of. Every time she goes in for a check up or just a sick kid visit, she gets a book. Pretty nice, huh?

Anti-Violence Against Women Walk

2008-04-29T21:47:00.000-05:00

We participated in a walk against violence against women this last weekend. It was Hester's second. I was struck that the speeches were mostly about how women needed to get services, participate in witness advocacy programs, and get involved. There was very little said about the role of men in committing violence, complacency when other commit violent acts, complacency in a sexist culture that allows predators to prey upon children and women. There was nothing said about changing laws to keep repeat offenders in prison or toughing sentencing of sex offenders and those who commit domestic violence. It was all about what women need to do.

They also had a initiative to get 100 men to commit to anti-violence stuff and to raise money for the organizations that put together the walk. They were unable to find 100 men to commit. And I am sure it is not from lack of trying. It is a travesty that DV and sexual assault are still seen as women's issues, that child abuse is still a women's issue. Women and children are most of the victims but 95% of perpetrators of these crimes are men. It is a men's issue too. But where the hell are they? If men took an active part, even half of the work on this issue, in prevention and changing sentencing laws, things would change. So what are you waiting for, men?

Yoo hoo, men?

Oh wait, you probably do not read a knitting, lesbian, parenting, therapist's blog.

Early Mother's Day Gift!

2008-04-28T10:54:00.003-05:00

Zoo Membership!

Thank you so much, Clementine! You are the best wife ever! (say it with a Boston accent, evah)

What have I been up to?

2008-04-28T10:31:00.005-05:00

Well, spring has sprung which means time to do all sorts of home improvement tasks. Painting the porch is the first of many this summer. Beings we had a new baby last summer, we did not do much around the house or yard. The porch really suffered not getting it's yearly paint job. So I started it last Monday.

Before I started work.

After I sanded and scraped.

After the first coat of paint.

I am using Glidden Porch and Floor Polyurethane Oil Gloss. When I do the final coat, I will be adding some sand like substance to make the steps less slippery, and maybe more durable. Unfortunately, the weather has not cooperated with more coats of paint since last Monday. Perhaps one evening this week, we can throw another coat on it.

Good times!

The Sad Saga of the Scarlet Sweater

2008-03-29T11:24:00.006-05:00

Now for something a bit lighter.

In October, I decided it was high time I knit my wife a sweater. She was talking about how she did not have a raglan and that she really wanted a red sweater. So Hester and I went to Webs, America's Yarn Store, on one of our Mumzy-Hester Days. We picked out this beautiful scarlet cotton wool slub. I didn't know it was a slub at the time. Hester was getting fussy about being in the yarn store for SO VERY LONG so I saw it, loved the color for Clementine, saw the price was GREAT, grabbed some and dashed to the check out. Anyway, I came home and started looking for the right pattern to make it. I even had Clementine close her eyes while I measured her neck, arm length, wrist, etc. She thought I was crazy but knew a sweater was being made for her for Christmas so she was happy. Not so quick, Clementine (foreshadowing coming trouble).

So I found this raglan sweater generator on line and entered in my swatch info. I got my pattern and started knitting. I knit on the train ride in and home from work. I knit anytime Clementine was not around or awake. I did not let her see the pattern or yarn. I noticed that the arms seemed a bit tight but I thought, well, that may just be the style. I then started on the body. The pattern is cool cause you knit in the round for the body of the sweater. As the body part became long enough to see it's real size (it was squished up on the needles) I began to worry more about the size. That Saturday, I measured my creation to one of Clementine's favorite fitting sweaters. Mine was many inches smaller. I was flummoxed until I checked my stitches per inch and saw, I was off by one stitch. Bummer.

The Stitches It knits up pretty, no?

What could I do but frog the entire thing and start over. I redid the pattern and got to work on it again. I tried but only had the arms and part of the body done again by Christmas. So I wrapped that up and gave it to Clementine with the promise to get it finished. I kind of pooped out on it but recently had a resurgence of time and energy to finish the thing. I did. Clementine asked me add a bit at the bottom to make it ribbed rather than a roll bottom sweater. I did that and finished it. Clementine tried it on and we saw it was a bit more form fitting than she likes but thought we could solve that by blocking it. We washed it with great anticipation. Sadly, the yarn shrunk a bit and it was not able to be blocked to fit her. Again, bummer.

The Finished SweaterSigh....

Clementine loves the color and the raglan. I promised to make her another. She looked so lovely in the color so I will work out the size again based on the post washed stitches per inch of the first sweater. Ugh. One more time! Third times a charm, right?

So, friends, you may get a scarlet raglan sweater for Christmas. Watch your stocking!

Hester+Fish+Dim lights=Cool Pics

2008-03-27T20:05:00.004-05:00

New Train Schedule + Time Change = Tired Lady

2008-03-12T19:04:00.001-05:00

In order to improve on-time service, the MBTA has changed their schedule. What they have done is extend the amount of time the trip is supposed to take rather than improve their ability to arrive a the time they specified. This means my train that used to leave at 6:06 AM leaves at 5:43 AM. Now normally, a 20+ minute change would not be a huge deal except that it is the ass crack of the morning. I have to get up at 4:30 AM to get ready on time. Why so long, you may ask? Because at the ass crack of the morning, even putting on a sock is a huge undertaking. I have to leave the house by 5:30 AM to drive to the station, park, pay my $1 parking, and walk to the train. (Yes, I did say $1 and it is not a typo. Crazy, huh?)

So this was painful enough for a few weeks but then came the time change. Now, 4:30 AM is the old 3:30 AM. I cannot even find my face to put on my glasses, let alone get showered, dressed, and find the car. It is 8 PM and I am considering going to bed now; I am that tired.

@#%$!!!!!

2008-03-12T06:55:00.005-05:00

Yesterday morning, I was driving in to work. Things were great; I was listening to Morning Edition (Bob Oaks is the bomb). And suddenly, there was a growing noise from the rear of the car. I was not anywhere near an exit from the Pike. I kept going in hopes of getting off at the Cambridge/Alston tolls. No such luck. The tire blew and started flapping and the steering got wonky. So I pulled over to the right lane as there was no shoulder. I was driving on the rim by then and decided I better stop. My hazards went on the second the tire blew so I hoped and prayed people would see them and get over. It was so scary. Cars came up on me so fast, not slowing down until the last moments. I was so scared for my life and safety. I called AAA immediately and they contacted the State Police who help out on the Pike. Within a few minutes, a man showed up who worked for the towing company that was coming to help me out. He tried flagging traffic away but the drivers were not paying attention. He came back to me and said we had to drive on because someone would get killed. So I drove on the rim to a pull off place. By then, the tow truck had arrived. He changed my tire there with me in the car. It was weird but less scary. However, I was still quite frightened for the tow truck man because cars were whizzing by at 70+ MPH. I was able to call Clementine and tell her I was OK and what had happened. When my car was back in order and the AAA paperwork finished, I drove on into work. I I called Clementine to let her know I was OK, I had stopped at a Starbucks to have diarrhea and a coffee. Lovely. The car was fixed while I was at work to the tune of $158. But I don't care. I had the money in my account and I am alive.

Happy 7th Civil Union

2008-03-10T16:40:00.002-05:00

Today is the anniversary of our 7th Civil Union. Seven years ago, Clementine and I got up on a snowy, icy morning and drove to Vermont. We barely arrived in time at the town clerk's office to get our paperwork. Then, that afternoon, we were married in the library of the bed and breakfast where we were staying. Only Clementine, the Justice of the Peace and I were there. That was a good thing because we each wrote a paragraph to about why we were marrying the other and we both SOBBED. Clementine almost had to stop the ceremony to gain her composure. It was a beautiful day.

I did not expect that it would have such a huge emotional impact upon me. When we decided to do it, we were engaged and planning our church wedding. Bush had recently taken office and we were concerned that he would work to take away civil unions from VT. So we made plans and went up, more as a political statement and to be counted. But, pledging one's life to another person is HUGE. Since that day, we have been married twice more, once in a church and the other was our legal marriage. Each still brought tears to our eyes and choked our voices with emotion as we once again pledged ourselves to each other.

As I pondered what to give Clementine for today, I came across an old flier for this book. Immediately, I knew it was perfect. When it came in the mail, I looked through it to see if we were in any of the pictures, since we were at many of the rallies and all of the Constitutional Conventions. Alas, we were not, but seeing those pictures brought back the enormity of the fight for our rights. The fact that we are protected and have the same rights as others in this state is really huge.

I read someone's blog where the person said she did not believe in gay marriage for it does not equal a straight marriage in rights. True. We do not have most federal rights. Our taxes are filed jointly for the state but individually for federal. Because my company has a federal dental insurance, not state contract, I cannot put Clementine on my policy. We could not change our passports to match our married name. And the list of inequities goes on.

But, we gained so much in this state when we got married. We could buy a house together as straight couples do. We could file taxes jointly. We could change our name when we were married. When hospitalized, we have access to each other. When our daughter goes to the doctor, either can take her without any fuss. We were able to adopt her and be on the amended birth certificate as her parents. And the list of gains goes on.

However, the biggest gain is the depth added to our relationship. Our love grows each day. Our commitment to each other deepens each day. But when we said those words to each other, witnessed by the Justice of the Peace, then our community, then by JPP, Orca, an NPR reporter, and a photographer from the Globe, have had the greatest impact upon our relationship. I am so very lucky to know, love, and be loved by Clementine.

Clementine, you are my heart.

Mobeus

2008-02-27T05:08:00.000-05:00

Have any of you tried to understand the directions for knitting a mobeus? First, can the author please limit the use of "magical" throughout the directions? Next, what? I mean, what? I struggle to understand and I can read pretty tough patterns. But this is really out there.

Have you ever knit a mobeus?

Calling all Kittys!

2008-02-26T20:37:00.000-05:00

Hester's latest thing is to yell, "Kitty Cat, come!"

Sadly, they do not.

Who loves ya, baby?

2008-02-25T19:52:00.001-05:00

Once a week or so, when I am putting Hester to bed, I will tell her all the people who love her. It usually starts with "Do you know who loves you? Your Mama loves you. Your Mumzy, that's me, loves you." Etc. I go through family members on both from sides, friends, and Hester's birth family. Twice now, including last night, I start saying "Do you know who loves you?" and Hester said "Kitty cat!" What a kid!

Meet My Daughter

2008-02-25T01:40:00.000-05:00

Don King!

RSV, a four letter word

2008-02-24T20:00:00.004-05:00

RSV has reeked havoc in our lives here. First, Hester got it and ended up having to go to the ER on Valentine's Day because of retractions when she breathed. Luckily, she did not need to be admitted to the hospital and was better after being on oxygen blow by for a number of hours and her fever breaking. It was quite a nerve-wracking night for Clementine and I. We did sleep a wee bit by trading off who slept on the stretcher. But by 9 AM when the doctor discharged Hester, we were all exhausted and took the day off. (In actuality, those decisions were made many hours earlier and the proper people notified on time). Hester has made steady progress each day since then and now just has a wee little runny nose.

However, RSV set up camp in me Valentine's Day night. I started coughing and had that "Oh crap, I'm getting sick" feeling. It really came on over the weekend. Each night, I did not sleep with Clementine, for fear of keeping her up with my coughing. So I laid on the cough, coughing more than sleeping. I said, "This is good. The worst is now so I will be well for work Tuesday."

"Not so fast" replied RSV.

Tuesday, I went to work and coughed my fool head off. I tried to sing with my horse voice. I ended up doing a lot of work in the office. Wednesday, my cough was worse. I ate a whole package of cough drops in eight hours. Luckily, my intern was there and she did all the sessions. I just observed. Wednesday night's train ride home was a nightmare of coughing fits that went on for minutes at a time and happened every 2-5 minutes. I got so many dirty looks from fellow commuters. I could not blame them. I got home and cried for 5 minutes in the bathroom because I was so tired and felt like such crap. I decided if I did not sleep good that night, I would not go to work. And I didn't so I didn't. I went to the doctor who said I had a asthma like process going on in my lungs and that was why cough medicine was not helping. She gave me a steroid inhaler. Thursday night, I sort of slept but was so tired in the morning, I called in again. My boss, perhaps knowing the severity of my cough on Wednesday, had found coverage for my night shift, freeing me of any guilt driven need to go to work Friday. Thank you, Boss!

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I pretty much slept, drank fluids, knit, and read magazines. Did you know that all the parenting magazines, like Parents, Baby Talk, and American Baby (when did we start getting so many baby magazines?) have short pieces that are easy to attend to when you are wicked sick? I tried to read a book my brother gave me, Cloud Atlas, but could not get up to page 20 after four days.

Today, I woke up and did not fall into a huge coughing spasm. I only had maybe 6 throughout the entire day. The steroids are working. I have one more day off to rest and recuperate and I think Tuesday, I will be able to hit the ground running at work. Thank goodness.

RSV is not one of my favorite illnesses, not that one has a favorite illness.

Help

2008-02-20T19:12:00.002-05:00

So, what does a soft butch wear to a Texas beach wedding in April? Certainly not a white linen suit since Memorial Day has not yet past. Please advise.

dilemna

2008-02-11T16:37:00.000-05:00

Tonight, we interview a babysitter. I am not thrilled about it. We need one but I don't want to leave Hester with anyone. Just look at us so far, she is a year old and she has been babysat four times, twice by Clementine's parents, and the other two times by close friends. Clearly, neither of us are thrilled by the prosepect.

But, timing for conferences overlapped. My regular spring conference is the same date as an adoption conference that Clementine wants to go to. I would just come home and skip that day but I have to present and I am on the board and we have a meeting that afternoon. Clementine has talked about going to this conference for a year plus. I feel horrible when she says that my work superseeds her adoption needs. That is not right. But I have obligations. I am seriously considering not running for office again to avoid this. Family comes first, right?

Beyond all this crap and the ususal frets of a first time parent leaving their kid with a babysitter, I have other baggage that is seriously muddying my thoughts. You may remmeber that I am a survivor but you may not know that it was a babysitter that molested me. My mother and I talked about this once, while she believed me. She told me that the woman (yes, it was a woman who molested me) came with good references and was very kind. She was very loving toward me and said I was her special one. My parents were releived to have a kind older lady to watch thier kids so they could go do things. And now, Clementine and I need someone to watch Hester, but I freeze inside thinking that I could put my daughter, my heart, in the care of someone who could hurt her as I was hurt. Nothing in this world is more important than keeping her safe.
But then I look at my wife who makes a living caring for other people's children. She loves each of them and does a wonderful job with them. We could maybe find someone like her to care for Hester. But how do you know?

We went to hear Eve Ensler speak the other day, which was great. But parts of the lecture was hard for me to hear. I was holding Hester and listening to her discuss abuses women and children endure. I found myself holding Hester tighter to my breast as I listened. How does one protect their girl child through childhood. I don't want her to be the 1 in 3 girls who are violated. I don't want to have history be recreated.

So we are interviewing some dude tonight about child care. I am not sold on him at all. Partly, because he is a man. Weird since I was molested by a women. But the majority of offenders are men. I just don't feel ready for this. I just want Hester to be safe.

Who knew!

2008-01-25T17:24:00.000-05:00

Would I Eat You?

2008-01-25T16:04:00.001-05:00

24%

Felted Hat

2008-01-14T05:15:00.000-05:00

I have been knitting quite a lot lately. Here is one project I completed for Hester. It is a hat from Knit One, Felt Two. I used a blue wool I purchased at Webs Yarn Store during their after Christmas sale. I bought one cone of each color for not a lot of money! My favorite. The picture is me wearing the "hat" after finishing knitting. It is hard to beleive that this huge hat that covers my entire head will fit Hester's wee little head after felting.I liked the hat so much, I started making one for myself. I am using the same colors but reversing them. I cannot wait for the finished product and when Hester and I can be matchy matchy.

Happy Birthday Hester!

2008-01-13T23:19:00.000-05:00

It has been an amazing year. So many changes for the better in me and my life. All because of this little girl. I love her more than I ever knew I could love someone. And as my love for her grows, so does my love for Clementine. Happy Birthday, Hester!

Absence

2008-01-13T23:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have been gone for so long. I was worried someone who I would prefer to not read my blog might have been reading. Instead of changing the site address, I decided to take a break from blogging. So I am back. I hope some of my old readers will come by again.

Travel Stress

2007-11-20T05:43:00.000-05:00

When I was on maternity leave in March, I was asked to be a co-presenter at the American Music Therapy Association's conference in November. Our date for presenting was set months ago for November 15th in the morning. Then, a month or so ago, we were told that Hester's finalization was scheduled for Friday November 16th at 8 in the morning. I made my travel plans to go to the conference on Wednesday, present Thursday morning, get on a plane, and get home before 10 PM. Sounds like a good plan, huh?

The presentation went well and I left the hotel early, giving myself more than two hours to go through security, find my gate, and relax. It all went well until the flight boarded a bit late, but I had almost an hour layover so it was still OK. Then we pulled out onto the tarmac and stopped. The pilot said we would be waiting there for 45 minutes to take off. This put me into Chicago 15 minutes late for my connecting flight. I called my airline from the tarmac to rearrange my connecting flight. While on hold for ever, the pilot said to turn off cell phones because we were about to take off.

The whole way to Chicago, I was thinking of what to do. What if I could not get a flight? Could I rent a car and get home in time for the adoption? If I got to the airport by 5:30 AM, I could take the commuter rail home, change into my suit from the day before, and be there on time. If I got in later, I could borrow one of my coworkers truck and drive to the court house, wearing my suit from the day before. What if I could not be there? Would my wife or daughter ever forgive me for missing it? Could I ever forgive myself? What a horrible mother I am!

I got to Chicago and called the airline again. The woman found me the last seat on the next flight. As she told me I had a seat, I started to cry. I told her that I had to get home for my daughter's adoption and thanked her a zillion times. People in the airport must have thought I was crazy for I was still crying as I walked to the next concourse where my new flight was to take off from.

By the time I arrived, my flight had been delayed until 8:30 PM from 7:20 PM. Over the next hour and a half, it was delayed to 9:40 PM and the gate was changed twice and the concourse changed once. My concern then became will I get home in time for the shuttle service ride home. Their last shuttle is at 12:15 AM. The flight would make it, just barely.

We boarded the plane 30 minutes late and then the plane just sat there for another 45 minutes. I knew it would arrive later than 12:15 AM. Clementine had said to call her if I needed a ride home and she and Hester would come get me. I did not want to do that. Luckily, when I landed, I called the shuttle service and they were waiting for me outdoors. I booked it to the shuttle and got home at 2 AM.

I was thrilled that I made it home in time, that I was not a bad mother, and that I could share this very special day with my family, Hester and Clementine.

Adoption Day Festivities Recap

2007-11-19T17:32:00.000-05:00

Friday was a big day for us as you may know; it was the day we finalized Hester's adoption. The court scheduled Hester's adoption on National Adoption Day. This was not our choice for we wanted the day to be a contemplative day not a circus. At eight, we arrived at the court house with 30 other families. 41 children were adopted on Friday in our city. The court house had planned different festivities including family portraits for each family, speeches by state politicians and others touched by adoption,and the appearance of a local mascot. We were joined by our social worker, her intern, the lawyer appointed to us, a CASA volunteer, and the court personnel.

The actual adoption finalization was not very exciting. The judge asked us some questions about how it was going with Hester, how she was doing, what we did for work, and such. She then signed two pieces of paper and it was done. Hester was as of that moment legally our daughter as she had been in our hearts since she was born. We took pictures with the judge and she gave us some gifts for Hester. It was really a very nice day.

Saturday, we invited our and Hester's friends over for a pizza party to celebrate. Hester had a wonderful time playing with her friends and weenjoyed the company of so many friends who have given us so much supportthrough this entire process. Thanks to everyone.

We are thrilled that the entire adoption process is complete. However,in our joy to be a family with our daughter, we remember her first family and their loss. We remember the joy in her birth father's eyes when he held her. We remember how her birth mother gave us advise and celebrated with us our new motherhood. We remember her birth brother brought her gifts. We are blessed each day to see Hester's smile but are aware that her first family do not have that joy. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.

We are now free of social workers and adoption agencies which is great! No longer do we need the doctor to sign forms each time she sees Hester. No longer do we have to get special permission to travel with our daughter. Once the paperwork from the finalization is sent to us, we will get Hester her social security card and her first bank account. It is wonderful to take these steps forward now with her.

Thank you to all the blog friends and readers who have offered support and a listening ear through this entire process. Your comments, thoughts, and prayers have made a huge difference in us and our ability to cope with and celebrate every step of this process. I hope that some day we can do the same for you.

Thoughts on the L Word

2007-11-17T23:16:00.000-05:00

We just finished watching the fourth season of the L Word. I actually like a few of the story lines this time, finally. They are doing a better job representing lesbians and transgender people. And they added some more people of color. I do hope that Jenny's boat is lost at sea and she never returns to the show. Also, I hope that Jenny stole the theme song and has it in the boat with her so it too will be lost at sea forever!

Finalization

2007-11-16T19:06:00.000-05:00

It was an anti-climatic ceremony but it is all done. Legally, we are now a family, which we have been in our hearts since we met Hester. I love you, Hester. Clementine, thank you for opening my life up to so many things I never dreamed I could feel or be.

Interesting

2007-11-09T05:16:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up and heard Billy Idol's White Wedding in my head. Weird.

The Saga of the Origional Birth Certificate

2007-11-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

My darling Clementine is amazing. When she puts her mind to it, she can accomplish anything. When her heart is involved, that women will move mountains to do what is right. This is one of many reasons I love her. Our state has a new law that seals all original birth certificates for children born up to some date in the future that I don't remember and that is not really necessary. All that is necessary is that Hester would not have access to her own original birth certificate until the laws changed. But Clementine had her heart in getting the original birth certificate for our daughter and she did it. She is my shero.

The upcoming finalization of Hester's adoption entails the issuing of a new birth certificate with Clementine and my names on it in the parent boxes. We legally become her parents that day and from that day forth, she legally becomes her wonderfully long, immensely meaningful, and beautiful name we chose for her. However, on that day, she is no longer her equally wonderful, immensely meaningful, beautiful name her birth parents choose for her. Her birth mother gave Hester her own first name, her mothers name for Hester's middle name, and her husband's last name.

I remember Ms. Stork, our social worker's words, that we hold Hester's adoption story for her until she is old enough to learn it and understand it. A part of that story is our memories of our time with her and her birth parents and brother. Another part of that story is our memories of our time with her, watching her grow up. Another part is the paperwork that documents her connection to her birth family. This includes her birth family's adoption plan, her prenatal reports, her first foot print from after her birth, photos of her with her birth family, and her original birth certificate. It is vital for Hester to have every piece of information we can give her so she knows who she is, who her birth family is, and how she came to our family.

As you may know, my mother and aunt were sisters who were adopted together. When I was 16, my mother started her search for her birth family. She was at least 40. Her questions about who her birth family was and who she was finally were answered, sort of. Sadly, when she and her sister tracked down their birth father, he was dead. They thought they found their birth mother but she denied she was their birth mother. They did find cousins and aunts and uncles. Many questions were answered. Pictures of their parents were produced. Stories about them told. My mother finally found out that the family gave them to the state as an act of love and protection, not of abandonment as they had thought for many years. I don't want my daughter to ever think she was abandoned. She never was.

So the original birth certificate is a small piece we can give to Hester so she does not have to question "who am I" any more than any teenager or adult does. It is also a small piece that tells her that she was not abandoned or unloved by her birth family, as evidenced by their chosen names for her. It is a part of her adoption story that we hold for her.

This is why it is so important to us to get it. I am speaking for myself but I think my wife will agree, what comes off as mixed feelings is the combination of happiness, joy, relief that Hester is ours and sadness and grief that Hester's final legal connection to her birth family will be erased when her name is changed and her parents are changed on the birth certificate and that her birth parents don't get to see this amazing child's smile every day.

Her birth father repeated over and over those first days of her life that we are all family now. And it is true, we are all bonded together through Hester. And like any other family member, you remember them on days that are anniversaries of good time and hard times. We will always remember them on days of importance with Hester, as well on days of the ordinary.

GHBeads

2007-11-08T22:15:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so hey, did you all read about Aqua Dots? How they contain GHB, the date rape drug? Nice! Even nicer, the conversation I heard on the train tonight.

Man 1: So do your kids have those beads that were recalled? What are they called?

Man 2: Aqua Dots. No, they don't have any.

Man 1: Yeah, did you hear how they had GBH on them.

Woman: GHB. It's GHB.

Man 1: Oh yeah, the date rape drug. I wonder how many people have bought the Aqua Dots to slip to women in bars. laughing

Luckily, no one else laughed.

Yeah, so hey, don't let your 2 year old eat the Aqua Dots beads. Oh yeah, don't let 2 year olds play with beads unless they are the size of a large Chicken McNugget.

Singing the Blues

2007-11-07T05:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I was singing the blues, the commuter blues for real. On my late days, I drive in and park at a subway station. On the drive in, I was trying to stay awake so I drank my coffee and a juice. The subway ride is 30-45 minutes long. About 5 minutes into it, I felt the effects of the coffee and juice in my bladder. But all the stops on the subway there are residential areas. I tried to distract myself by knitting Clementine's Christmas present, but did not work. My urgency to go made me F it up many times which made me have to frog it over and over. Finally, the subway approached stops with restaurants where I knew there were restrooms. I stared at the map and pondered which was the best bet. I settled on waiting one more stop because there's a Starbucks very close to the T and they always have restrooms (except that one in Central Square, bastards). I booked it out of the subway, up the stairs, and over to the Starbucks. Imagine my delight to see the door to the woman's bathroom slightly ajar. No more waiting. Since the store was busy, and since I still had to ride across town to work and did not want to repeat my urgent bathroom seeking, I snuck out without purchasing a drink. I ended up being 10 minutes late but I arrived MUCH HAPPIER than I was early into the subway ride.

Crisis in the Church

2007-11-06T05:09:00.000-05:00

My aunt died two weeks ago. My parents in all their wisdom, called me the next day at work. (Such a great choice of when and where to deliver news of some one's passing.) Anyway, it was for the best for she was very, gravely ill and in lots of pain. As they spoke, I started taking a survey of all I would need to do to get ready to go to her funeral. Then my parents told me not to come, that her own children would not be coming, and that there would not be a funeral, only a burial. My father then asked about Hester and was so relieved to hear that she was doing fine, with no developmental troubles from her extended hospitalization. As he was saying goodbye, he said to give Clementine a hug for them. This was a first for them to express any fondness toward Clementine. Death can do weird things to people.

The Sunday after I got the news, I was sitting in church and thinking about it all. I thought about how church and God has been used against me by my family and so many people. I thought about how I have been blamed for the schisms in my family. I thought about the new revelation that my Aunt was separated from her children for years, just like my mother. I thought about how hard I have tried over the years to be good, to follow Gods words, to try to heal my family, feeling that it was my fault some how. But now, now I see that it is a systemic pattern greater than my family. The traumas that my mother and her sister went through appear to have limited both from maintaining relationships with their children. All those years I tried to do what is good and right. All the years I prayed for help to mend things. All those years I thought it was my fault for setting limits, not being what she wanted me to be, for being myself. It was all a lie. It was all for nothing because it was not me.

I also thought about my Aunt. Didn't she deserve a funeral? Was she so awful that no one wanted one? Did no one see the kind heart she showed me? How could a sister lay to rest another and not want to celebrate her life?

Suddenly, church seemed like a big joke. I was angry to be there. I was angered by the talk of trying to heal relationships with others. It all seemed like a big load of crap.

Clementine and I talked about this and many things after church. Since then, I feel much better. I have resumed praying. But the anger about not knowing why things were as they are in my family still burns. Due to baby and poor time management, we have not gone to church since. But I am sure I will not be so angry but it may take some time before I can listen to talks of healing relationships or reaching out to others and not be cynical.

Gifts

2007-11-05T17:35:00.000-05:00

Canada started this. Then Clementine was next. Now I am doing my part.
So the first five readers who email me will get a present. Send me your address, if I don't know it already.

Check out the Price Tag

2007-11-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

This coffee was a gift from a missionary who brought a child to the hospital for care. She was very impressed with music therapy and it's effects upon this child. She gave me the MOST EXPENSIVE COFFEE EVER! Check out the price tag!

$ 93 coffee! Clearly, she is a very generous person.

Tooth Shoes Part 2

2007-11-04T16:40:00.000-05:00

Here are pictures of Hester in her Tooth Shoes!

Crappy Morning (Literally)

2007-11-02T06:55:00.001-05:00

Here is my day so far.
1. Slept like crap. I was too hot then too cold. I woke up a zillion times. I worried about a presentation today. I had dreams about having to take care of my mother. Not dreams, more nightmares of responsibility that is unwanted.
2. I got up and went to feed the cats. I stepped in some animals puke in my bare feet. Delicious and cold. So I cleaned that up.
3. I get out of the shower and am doing deodorant and such. I see one of the cats pooped outside of the litter box. I clean that up.
4. Since she only does this when the litter box is 1. very full of poop or 2. Reuben had stinky diarrhea again, I clean out the poop from the litter pan. I go to flush it and the toilet clogs from Reuben's gigantic nasty diarrhea poops. (he keeps eating things he should not which is making the gigantic smelly diarrheas) I am still naked and have not even styled my hair yet. So I plunge the kitty poop clog. Oh so fun at 5:20 AM.

Hope your day is better!

Meme from JPP

2007-11-02T06:38:00.000-05:00

5 good, 5 bad

5 things I am bad at.
1. Letting things roll off my back.
2. Keeping up with my blog.
3. Spelling and grammar!!!
4. Confronting.
5. Keeping my work desk tidy.

5 things I am good at.
1. My job.
2. Knitting.
3. Thinking critically.
4. Carving Pumpkins.
5. House painting.

Tooth Shoes

2007-11-02T06:23:00.000-05:00

I guess there is an old tradition that who ever sees the baby's first tooth has to buy the baby new shoes. Well, two weeks ago, I saw it first and got the honor. I did not want to get ordinary shoes or another pair of Robeez, although those are very nice shoes for babies. In an Internet search, I found See Kai Run shoes. While looking through the different styles, I found the Neo and fell in LOVE immediately. See why?I mean, have you ever seen a cuter pair of Mary Janes? I even want a pair if they ever made adult shoes and I cannot stand Mary Janes. But they are so fabulous and bold and fun!!

Being a frugal sort of gal, I searched the internet for the store that had them at the best price with the best shipping options. I found babyboat.com where Robeez and See Kai Run shoes are sold without shipping costs. I then found a 5% off coupon on-line! Wee hoo! Don't you just love a bargain. I ordered them over the weekend and they came in last night. We put them on Hester immediately and let her wear them the rest of the evening. The shoes are soft leather with a good rubber sole. Hester looks so very cute in them! They also have great traction so she cruised around the living room much steadier all evening! I will post pictures of Hester in her Tooth Shoes soon so come back for the loveliness!

It's True

2007-11-01T21:46:00.000-05:00

I do admit under no duress that I did this. I changed the lyrics to West Side Story songs to accompany Hester's bedtime tasks (putting on lotion, putting on PJs, getting into her crib, etc). Hester sang with me and we had a wonderful time.

Dream

2007-10-23T04:08:00.000-05:00

I just woke up and the dream I was having is still fresh in my mind. I was cooking thanksgiving dinner for five people. I had served two and the other two were late. I was about to sit down and then different people showed up, mainly my family members, and the expected me to share the food with them. I struggled to find enough food for them and ended up taking the Cornish game hen from my plate (What? Hello dream world, I am a vegetarian) and making it into some sort of phyllo feta dish. The unexpected guests started joking that it was a liberal log.

All I can say is that I am glad I woke up.

Teeth

2007-10-22T16:31:00.000-05:00

I just got home from my six month check up at the dentist. Guess who is in the no cavity club again? That would be me. Hurrah! But she recommended again, a guard for teeth clenching/grinding at night. Oh, how sexy that will be.

Right after, I stopped by the grocery store to get stuff for dinner tonight and for the upcoming week. Who bought lots of candy post dentist visit? That would be me. Hurrah! No cavities so let's celebrate with candy.

On a different note, we have a minor lady bug infestation in our home. Any suggestions?

OK, I am a little low on ideas right now.

Still

2007-10-20T08:47:00.000-05:00

Weeks ago, right after I wrote the post about being mad at our priest, we got an opportunity to speak with her. We were sitting in church and her homily included stories about friends of hers who have a baby who has been in the hospital much of his life. She spoke of the importance of supporting those who are part of our community. I sat there and fumed. After, Clementine and I decided the topic of today's sermon set us up perfectly to talk to our priest about our concerns. We met with her and told her how we emailed her and the church but never heard back from them. She was clearly stunned that we had reached out but not been heard. Her surprise quelled my anger and let me see that it was truly a breakdown in the communication system. We recommended that they look into it and fix the problem so others pleas will be heard.

I was surprised to hear my voice grow heavy with sorrow and to see Clementine turn away to wipe her tears from her eyes as we told our priest. All those emotions that we could not feel at the time because we were in survival mode are now coming to the surface. In that moment, I understood why we are both so exhausted and have decreased emotional reserve since Hester's birth. Spending night after night with her in the hospital and then having to rush to our work every day only to worry about her all day took a such a toll upon us. I then thought that with time and care, we are returning to how we once were. But really, I know we will never be those two people, for now our family is three. We are bound together with Hester for the rest of our lives and beyond. Each day of our history together with Hester is written in our souls and hearts. Those weeks will always be with us and I do not think either of us will not get tearful as we remember seeing our daughter suffering.

I'm Back

2007-10-18T21:38:00.001-05:00

Below are two new posts for your reading enjoyment.

Belated Answers for Frog

2007-10-18T20:54:00.001-05:00

Hey Frog. Thanks for answering my questions. I will answer yours now.

What's the most surprising and positive part of being a mom? The most surprising and challenging?
Hey, that is two questions in one. The most suprising and positive now part is how happy I am feeling. There is a lightness in my heart that I do not think has ever existed there. I like it very much. The most suprising and positive part ever was how much and how fast I loved Hester the second day of her life when she opened her little eyes and stared at me. It was that moment that I became her mother in my heart. It was that moment that I knew I would do anything to protect this child. It was that moment I felt more love than I ever imagined for a child wash over me. It was that moment I knew my life was changed forever and I did not mind.

The most challenging suprise for me was how much I thought of and missed my parents. Holding Hester late at night always brought me to thoughts of how my mother and father held me the same way late at night. How they must have been washed over with love and devotion for me as I am for Hester. How they must hurt so much to be cut off from me, as I imagine I would feel if I cut Hester out of my life. How hard their decision to turn against me must have been and must be every day. The compassion, love, and longing for my parents was and still is a challenge and a suprise.

How did you and Clementine meet?
Gay Marching Band.
No seriously.
I kid you not.
I had been playing with the marching band for a few years. Clementine joined it one winter. I played sax; Clementine played percussion. I watched her from across the brass section and marveled at her rhythmic precision and definitely noticed how very cute she was in her red Adidas hat. She volunteered to help me post fliers for an upcoming concert. We walked through the city that Saturday, posting fliers and talking. I discovered I had found the most enchanting and engaging woman ever. We walked and talked for hours. Stupidly, I wore my new boots to make my outfit more butch-y and cute, boots I had not broken in properly. About two hours into our fliering, I developed large blisters on each foot that covered the entire ball of my foot. But I kept walking, smiling, chatting, and flirting and did not limp. I did not tell her about my feet for I did not want the day to end. She was too wonderful and I was so captivated. Finally, when I did have to drop her off at her place so she could go to work, I drove around the corner, stopped the car, and screamed because my feet hurt like a mo fo. The romance had a bit of a rocky beginning after that but once we started dating, I think we both knew that each other was the one. That is our dorky but true story of how we met.

Do you have plans for more children? Pets?
Children, no. We were very clear in our decision to have a child that we really only wanted one. Clementine has said that once she met Hester, she knew our family was complete. I feel we are complete as well.

Pets, well, I believe we have a full house right now with two cats and one dog. I am sure we will have pets with us throughout our lives for we both get so much joy from them. I would feel incomplete without a cat or dog next to me. So, no exact plans as of now.

So to keep me blogging regularly, I will do as Frog did. Anyone can ask me three questions about anything and I will answer them. Of course, some topics may be handled like the current Bush nominee in a senate hearing: gracefully skirted.

Clementine tagged me

2007-10-18T19:28:00.000-05:00

OK, Clementine, here is the meme you tagged me with.
Choose a word for each letter of your middle name (then you must tag other bloggers, one for each letter).

M is for motherhood which I am finding I enjoy much more than I ever expected. Certainly, like on nights like tonight where the tasks of washing bottles, getting things ready for Hester for tomorrow, setting up Mr. Belvedere, I miss nights before Hester when I could just go to bed. But in the grand scheme of things, the happiness I feel every day since she came into our lives is worth all the nights washing bottles and so much more. The happiness motherhood has brought me is invaluable.
I tag Squasha at Running into the Unknown. I know she has nothing to do with the letter M but then neither does anyone else except JPP who has already been tagged. But I thought Squasha would do because she is a MT like Me!

A is for is for All Things Considered. I LOVE NPR! (Sorry, sort of lame but I could not think of anything else that I could write).
I tag Abigail at The Abigailia.

R is for Radiohead. Hester has a CD of Radiohead songs that are turned into lullabies. It is playing right now in her room and I am sitting outside her room, reassuring her, waiting for her to drift off to sleep. I also have been listening to the real Radiohead (OK Computer and The Bends) on my MP3 player. Oh, I could have used that for my M. Oh well.
I tag Frog at Frogblog.

I is for illness which I hope to avoid. I just got my first flu shot ever yesterday. I have refused it all these years but decided to get it to protect Hester. Also, Hester had to get it so I thought it was only fair to get it too.
I tag Canada at Just Jump In.

E is for equality. The battle here is over for marriage but continues on for equality in marriage benefits. Me and my hat of justice march on to the battle front.
I tag Psycho Kitty at SBFH cause Kitty ends with an e sound.

Clearly my blogisphere of friends is limited and I must stretch to meet the challenges of my middle name letters.

Visit

2007-09-19T04:35:00.000-05:00

My brother, Snapdragon, comes today to visit for a week. I should be excited but am just feeling stretched thin. It is the first time for he and Hester to meet. He is the first of my family to meet our daughter. I should be excited but can only think of work, interns, how I want to go back to bed, the knitting I must complete for Hester's baptism, and the drive in to work. Oh, and I must pester the priest. And find the air mattress.

I am hoping to do fun things with Snapdragon and Hester and Clementine when she is not working. The Big E, southwick zoo, etc. It will be fun once I get through today.

Irritated with a Priest

2007-09-17T19:34:00.000-05:00

Will that send me to Hell?

I know it won't but thought it would spark your interest in reading my post.

So I am irritated at our priest. Clementine thinks it could be me doing some transference from family issues. I don't doubt it but I still think I have every right to be irritated with her. Here is why.
1. Hester is to be baptised in like two weeks and we have not met with her yet about the details, to talk about what baptism means, or to even fill out the paperwork. I guess there is an intent to baptise form, much like the intent to graduate form in college, which my adviser did not tell me about until I called him to ask where my degree was because it had been months since I finished. Anyway, back to the priest, she has said she would contact us last weekend but did not. And then after church we waited to chat with her but she went right to vestry meeting and was unavailable, saying she would contact us this week. So far, nothing. I do not want Hester's baptism postponed because of the priest's inability to meet with us.

2. When Hester was in the NICU, I emailed our priest to tell her that we would like her to be placed on the prayer list and to let her know that our child was in the hospital. We did not hear back at all from her. I was hurt and also spread too thin to deal with it so I did not pursue it. Clementine did email the church office person the same message and again, nothing. Hester was never put on the prayer list. Finally, when Clementine contacted them much later about the baptism plans, she went through the web site's contact us form. This did get a response. So there must be some glitch within their email system but that is a pretty big glitch. It would have meant so much to have the support of that loving community while we were up with Hester every day at the hospital. There are people there who we know would have called or visited. But they did not know. We have not been able to talk with the priest about this for she was away on sabbatical and has not gotten back to us about the baptism. So I stew about this as I wait to meet with her.

3. The final thing is a year or so ago, I had asked to meet with her about religious questions within my work. I made an appointment and showed up on time to find that she had gone home to feed her dog, forgetting our appointment. I was so irritated that she forgot the meeting and I then coped in my usual way of avoiding.

I sometimes wonder if she wants us to be in her church. The church community has embraced us completely and is so very welcoming. We are members. But I feel she is less than warm with us, or me. We are not members who are there doing lots of church things or volunteer to teach Sunday school. Hell, I am not even an Episcopalian. But we come to the church clean up days until the baby came. We helped usher. We help clean up after the picnics. We try to be a part of things.

I don't know where I am going with this. I did not get much sleep last night and am very tired. But again, she did not email me or Clementine and I was feeling angry. I expect priests to be there when you need them. It isn't like we are pesting her all the time for stuff. I would have liked to have my sick baby prayed for. It would have been nice to meet with her when I had questions. It would be nice to learn about the Episcopalian baptism and how it differs from Catholic ones. Clementine has questions about the language that she is not comfortable with. I want her to be happy with it. I don't want us to do something half assed. But we need to meet with the priest. I guess tomorrow I will put her on my call to pester list right after the adoption agency that has had our paperwork for a week already but has not contacted us about filing it with the court.

Introducing . . . . .

2007-09-17T19:08:00.000-05:00

Mr. Belvedere. Oh how I love him!

Clementine named him Mr. Belvedere. I ordered him for us a few weeks ago. I thought he would be helpful for Clementine. She gets up every morning early to sweep and mop as well as do other cleaning and preparing for the children. And now she has the added work of getting Hester up and going before the other little cherubs arrive. I thought if he did an OK job mopping the floors each night, that would be good enough. We could do more of the deep cleaning on the weekends. I have been surprised at how good of a job he really does do. The floors are clean, not streaked and even the edges look good. Thanks for the help, Mr. Belvedere!

PS. We did not choose that floor. It was here when we moved in.

Also!

2007-09-17T19:07:00.000-05:00

This is crazy and funny!

The day before the flu

2007-09-04T17:23:00.000-05:00

Hester and I enjoyed a little fall leaf action. Yes, she rides on my shoulders.

Not So Fun

2007-09-04T16:06:00.000-05:00

Do you know what is not so fun? Going to visit the in-laws and all the extended family on that side and getting the flu, throwing up outside a McDonald's, spending a fever filled night in a hotel also throwing up, and then driving six or seven hours to get home. Good times!

One funny thing that happened. I was sleeping and having those weird fever dreams and in it I heard, "The countdown begins. 10, 9" I woke up to feel my stomach getting very queasy. Despite being awake, I heard the countdown continue. "8, 7" I broke out into a cold sweat. I knew it was coming. "6, 5" I started heading to the bathroom. "4, 3, 2" I took off my glasses and assumed the position and guess what happened on cue on 0. Yup. It was so weird I sort of chuckled in my head. It made that vomiting episode a bit more fun. You gotta look on the bright side when worshiping the porcelain god.

Another funny thing, when I first was puking, Clementine and I had the same thought. That she would be holding my hair if I had enough hair to hold. She loves me that much. Ah, the joys of marriage. Thanks Clementine! I know you got my back. I love you.

One More Thing

2007-08-31T11:59:00.000-05:00

I was published again! I just got a copy of the JMT and there was my study!!!! Hurray!

Yarn Store Fun

2007-08-31T11:49:00.000-05:00

Hester and I went to my favorite yarn store recently. We perused the sale yarns but and found some lovely yellow that will make nice lemon baby hats. Then I went and looked at the yarns in the store, looking for something that would make a pretty sweater to go over Hester's baptism gown. I settled on Debbie Bliss merino. So beautiful. Then I started looking at patterns to get an idea of how much to buy. As I looked through a Debby Bliss book, I saw the most beautiful knit white dress. Simple but lovely and perfect for Hester's baptism. I called Clementine and proposed it to her. She agreed and I got the yarn. Already, Clementine has knit the back half of the dress. I am starting the booties today and will then work on the sweater to go over the dress.

Here is Hester with a colossal pile of sale yarns!

Illness and Death

2007-08-31T11:11:00.000-05:00

This week has been unusual. It started with a forwarded email from a cousin. Her brother's wife died suddenly. I did not know her at all. It bought back memories of those cousins when I was small and still lived in California. Since we moved to Colorado, nearly all my ties to cousins, aunts, and uncles faded. Since I am not close to the cousin, I sent a card and fruit basket to the family.

That night, I got a voice mail from my brother who told me a favorite aunt, my mother's sister, was gravely ill with renal disease and her pancreas had stopped working. I called and talked with him about it and learned that she is very weak. I cried that night, thinking of how she had always been special to me. When I was small, she worked for Avon and would send us the biggest box of Christmas presents every year. We would joke that you could smell it coming a week before it arrived. Even if I did not like the smells of the perfume or body lotion she choose for me, I treasured the gifts she gave me. I felt loved by her. Later in life, she embraced me as I was, when my family grappled with the inner and outer changes. She loved it when I dyed my hair black, which my mother HATED more than any other color I dyed my hair. She accepted my homosexuality without batting an eye (that I could see). She embraced Clementine and congratulated us on our legal marriage the last time we saw her. I remember one particularly bad night before my sisters wedding. My brothers and parents were on the front lawn yelling and fighting. My sister was acting like nothing was happening and wanted me to look at her bride book. I did not know what to do and my aunt walked up to me, holding a scotch on the rocks. She said, "Hashbrown, you are the only sane one here. I think you should take care of them outside. I am going to bed." With that and a bat of her false eyelashes, she waltzed to the guest room and shut the door. I did not go out to stop the fight but smiled at my aunt's belief that I was the only sane one. I love my aunt and am so sad to think she may be gone soon.

Since the voicemail from my brother, I have been emailing my parents a lot and even called them. I have not called them since they stormed out of our house seven years ago when they found they could not stop us from marrying. It turns out that my aunt had a huge falling out with her two children two years ago and she has not talked to them since. Neither know she is dying. Her daughter and I email periodically and my mother decided she needed to tell my cousins that their mother was dying. It is weird and scary for me to be in contact with my parents so much again. They are being very nice. But that is their pattern. First they are nice. Then they get mean when I open up and trust them. I hate to be so mistrusting of people but really cannot risk my heart or those of my wife and child to their spiteful behaviour.

The decision whether to go to California when she passes looms over me. I feel I should go say good bye to my aunt, who despite her flaws which were many, was always kind to me and accepting of me. Going would mean being around my parents who are such a threat to me now as they are being nice. And should I take Hester with me? It would be her first flight. I would love to introduce her to my brother and his wife, my cousin, and the extended family that I do not know. I will decide when the moment comes.

Singing to my child

2007-08-31T10:51:00.000-05:00

From the first days with Hester, I sang to her the song "Always." It is an old song, in 3/4 time, with a beautiful melody. I chose to sing it to her for it's words.

I'll be loving you, always
With a love that's true, always
When the things you planned
Need a helping hand
I will understand, always, always
Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll be there, always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year
But always.

When I first sang it to her, I cried at the promise in the lyrics and meant every word. I sing it to her nearly every day. Now when I sing it to her, she knows it. If she is crying because she is tired, she stops crying and looks at me. And lately, she reaches up and touches my lips as I sing. I don't cry anymore when I sing it to her, but I still feel the enormity of the promise, a promise to parent differently than I was taught. A promise to never turn my back on her.

hats galore

2007-08-27T19:47:00.000-05:00

Hey Friends. Here are some hats I knit. I don't remember the name of the yarn. It was on sale (are you sensing a theme in my knitting). I had two skeins of the stuff, one pink and one green. I knit all the hats on size 5.

The green hat.

This is a simple 6 month old size hat with a rolled brim and a fat i-cord top. The i-cord is about an inch long. It is a basic hat.

The pink party hat.

This pink hat is also size 6 months and has the rolled brim. I experimented with the top of this one. I knit three thin i-cords, three stitches each. I then wove the ends back through each and pulled it a little bit to create the curl. I was not sure how it would look but I think it came out pretty good.

The stripy hat.

This one is sized for an infant 0-3 months. It is the ends of the two skeins. Instead of the rolled brim, I did a garter stitch brim of 6 rows. I switched colors every eight rows. I was not sure of how it would look when finished, the mixing of the colors and the variegated yarns, but it is not half bad.

What do you think?

Over heard on the train

2007-08-16T05:35:00.000-05:00

"Yeah, the train just pulled out of the station. We will be in (the city where I live) in 25 minutes," said a enthusiastic and loud fellow into his cell phone in the seat behind me. "Not hardly," I rudely said under my breath so as not to dash his exuberant belief in the speed of the train. Somewhere, maybe 20 minutes into the ride, he was again loudly speaking on his cell phone. "Yeah, it will be ten more minutes." I laughed quietly to myself. You see, the local train takes about 1 hour and 38 minutes from the station to my city. That man either never looked at a train schedule, lived in a different universe where time and trains move at a very different pace, or is just crazy.

Guilty Pleasure

2007-08-15T20:43:00.000-05:00

I got an email from the library today that a book I ordered came in. I was so excited all day, waiting for it to come it. Was it a great novel, a literary wonder, maybe a book about neurological functioning or music therapy, you ask?

Nope.

It was this. So fabulously bad and yet so fun to read. I cannot wait to jump in bed and start it!

Hat

2007-08-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

I made this from yarn we got for $2 at a sale. I did not plan for it to be for anyone specific. I thought it would be a good baby present for one of the many pregnant women in my life or we could sell it at a craft fair next summer under our brand name, Haughty Hausfrau. But I modeled it on Hester to show Clementine and Clementine fell in love with it. So Hester has a new hat!

It is a soft fluffy acrylic-ish yarn similar to Plush. I knit it on 10's.

Hello Again

2007-08-14T23:15:00.000-05:00

Hey there bloggy friends.

Sorry I have been absent. I have been quite busy through the day at work and then when I am home, I really only want to focus on Hester and Clementine. But I have missed blogging. I do read your blogs a few times a week. However, I have moved to lurker status by not commenting.

So I wanted to tell you a crazy thing that just happened. I was telling Clementine about this annoying OT at work. She was lying in bed and I was standing at the doorway with my hand on the bathroom doorway. All of a sudden, I felt this strong tap tap on my fingers. Frightened, I pulled my hand away and turned in horror, thinking someone was hiding in our bathroom, tapping my hand. I looked in, only to see little miss Josephine. Clementine laughed so hard, she nearly wet herself.

My daily life with Hester and Clementine has been wonderful as always. We have been taking small and large trips here and there with her. Every day with her is a gift. As is every day with Clementine. My life is so very blessed by both of them.

Here we are at a farm.

Here we are at a museum.

Here we are at a family reunion.

Here we are at the zoo.

Work has been good and hard. It is good to be more focused there. I feel like I am really there, present, and making a difference in some kids lives. There is the usual personality differences like the annoying OT from earlier but it is all manageable. I still struggle to find my professional identity post-baby. Before Hester, I had a razor sharp focus at work. Work was my life. Home was very important but I really worked hard to get to where I was for my career. I wrote articles, wrote research proposals, wrote grant proposals at home in my spare time. The moment I saw Hester's head, my life and focus changed to family. Work is still very important and the work I do is very compelling. I love it. But I love my family more. Who am I now as a music therapist that work, my clients, my career, music therapy is not my life? I am not sure. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and expect one day I will wake up one morning and know.

Work has been hard too. There was a girl from Latin America who when I last sang to her, I knew that day it was the last time that I would ever see her. That evening, she was transferred to the PICU at another hospital where she passed away. It is amazing that a little girl who never woke up reached out and touched my heart. Her passing is a sadness that stays with me as I see her sister and grandmother daily. Her death was pointless and an outcome of violence from a family member. This is one of the hardest part of my job, knowing the evil that lurks within the heart of human beings.

At the same time, I have seen how simple kindnesses from me have touched deeply the hearts of two other patients. A sympathetic ear, a kind smile, singing a favorite song, holding some one's hand when they are scared, rubbing some one's back as they cry, these things do more than we ever know. It is an honor to be with these children as they recover and rebuild their lives.

A fun story of professional activities to follow all that is needed. So I belong to the MT listserv, which is so incredibly annoying and asinine at times. Some people say things that make me wonder what they studied in school, how they ever got a therapy job, and fear for the future of my profession. One of those times came recently. I was so flabbergasted by what someone was saying that I had to confront it directly. Just so you know, I did not swear, say wicked, or threaten violence. I used I statements and not even my favorite one "I feel you are a jerk." I was polite, saying perhaps we had different ways of practicing. But I effectively shut her up from saying any more untherapeutic things. I also appeared to stopped all threads on the listserv for a few days, except for various job postings. It was excellent!

I fit in shorts I did not fit into at the beginning of the summer. I also went down one scrub size.

My hair is finally cut and I do not look like a muffin.

Mitt Romney is a jerk, comparing serving in the military in Iraq or Afghanistan to working on his campaign. Please God, do not let him be elected president!

Also, Carl Rove is leaving! Oh happy day!! Bush is truly a lame duck now. Kick him while he is down, Nancy Pelosi!!

Oh, when passing out packets of sunscreen at a local outdoor concert as an awareness campaign for the hospital, the park rangers came to us and told us we could not pass out that at a family event. We were dumbfounded. Sunscreen is not family friendly??? But then we noted the size of the packets were the same as that of condoms. We laughed and told the rangers what it was and that we were from a children's hospital.

It is late and I gotta work tomorrow. thanks for coming by to check on me. I will try to post regularly. If you don't hear from me, I am probably busy but lurking around your blog.

And so it starts

2007-07-13T21:28:00.001-05:00

Tonight a client at work said to me, "Your daughter is mixed, right?"

Happy 4th of July!

2007-07-04T07:32:00.000-05:00

Her outfit says "Future President!"
You know it!!

Who is a bigger dork than I?

2007-07-04T06:30:00.000-05:00

I was driving into work this morning and heard NPR reporters reading the Declaration of Independence and got teary-eyed. Can you top this?

Mumzy Hester Zoo Day

2007-07-04T06:15:00.000-05:00

Hester and I have Mondays together. For a while, there have been appointments, visitors, or Hester was ill on our Mondays so we have not done much. Last week, we did go strawberry picking. A little thing I learned from that, Hester does not like to be in the front carrier when you bend over repeatedly to pick strawberries. Next time, leave her in the stroller.

This Monday, we went to the zoo. It was a wonderful day. Hester rode in the front carrier so she could see the animals. It was so cool to show my daughter her first elephant, giraffe, and camel. She loved the animals. Each time she saw one, she kicked her legs, waved her arms, and talked up a storm. It was a wonderful, wonderful day. I love being her Mumzy.

Hester and the camel.

Hester LOVED the crane!

Hester post-zoo fun.

Thank you, Friend

2007-07-03T22:16:00.000-05:00

Dear JPP,
Thank you for your kind card a few weeks ago. I was so touched by your words and kindness. When I read your card, I got a bit teary. I want you to know that I wrote those posts on the train after a particularly sad week of family issues. As it is with feelings and me, often after I say it, I feel much better and can move on to other things. However, I do want to say thank you for letting me know that you are there for me as well as Clementine. It is good to have wonderful people who have your back.
Love,
Hashbrown

Baptism and Support

2007-06-22T05:23:00.000-05:00

We have set a date for Hester's Baptism, Oct. 7. She will be baptized by the priest who married us, in the church we were married in, and on the date of our 6th wedding anniversary. Pretty sweet, huh?

As Clementine discussed all her family that will be coming to Hester's baptism, I became more and more anti-family and grumpy. I did not want to spend so much time with family. It was not until much later that I realized that I sincerely doubt any of my family will be attending the baptism. That just ain't right.

You see, recently I spoke with Clementine about how I have built a family of choice out of my friends who are very special to me. I have worked so hard to cultivate and maintain these relationships. But when I sit down and really look at these relationships, I know I need them more than they need me. They have families who care about them. They don't NEED a family like I do. I know that when push comes to shove, I am ultimately alone, except for Clementine.

Then, a good friend who lives in Ohio called me and proved me wrong. She told me she was looking into coming out for the Baptism. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I told her how much it meant t me that she was going to try to come out. I told her that probably none of my family would be there. That doubled her desire to be there with us to celebrate Hester's big day.

Boston Pride

2007-06-20T21:19:00.000-05:00

This year, there is no snap report on Boston Pride. Sorry, I spent the day bummed about family issues. I felt like I was missing so much of Hester's life because of work. Two days a week, at least, I don't even see her awake unless there is a midnight feeding. And that is only change her diaper, feed her, watch her fall asleep within the first 5 minutes of her bottle, and put her back to bed when she finishes eating.

By Monday morning, my funky mood was still around and quite sour. Poor Clementine had to witness it all and bear the weight of my sadness. As I weeded the garden Monday afternoon, I thought about all the time I wasted feeling upset that I don't have much time with Hester. I thought about how much my crappy mood took away from my time with my daughter. I decided that all I can do beyond quit my job (which cannot happen for a very long time) is to accept things as they are, focus on the positives, and enjoy my time with my daughter and wife. Wish me luck.