Catch Up.

Clementine has been after me to post again. So here is my post of what I have been up to.

1. Our farm share started and both of us are trying to cook and eat all the veggies we get. They are delicious but definitely more than we usually have. Both of us are making conscious efforts to eat veggies we may not like a lot in order to model good eating behaviour to Hester as well as to not send all this food to the compost bin. Also, our garden is growing beautiful tomatoes.
   
   
2. We went to our town's 4th of July concert and fireworks display. As we ran around with Hester, I noticed that the program was exactly the same as two years ago but different from last year. We laughed at the possibility that they only have two programs of music that they rotate.



3. Clementine and Hester visited the in-laws in July. They were gone for 5 days but it felt much longer. Instead of moping around the house, I worked on remodeling this toy kitchen. I sanded it, replaced the hardware, painted it, and polyurethanes it. Not bad, eh?



4. When they returned, we went to Clementine's family reunion. Lots of visiting in a few days.
   
5. The weather has been lots of rain and thunderstorms which have curtailed our Mumzy-Hester day adventures. We did go to two zoos recently. Hester has learned to say emu, flamingo, and buffalo. Also, we saw this tiger swimming because it was so hot.


6. Hester had her 18 month blood work including the lead test (2!!) and a extra test for a condition she might have since birth but they could not test until now. She does not have it and Clem and I are breathing a big sigh/sob of relief. I did not know I was so worried about it. Also, someone is getting four teeth at the same time.



7. Hester has started exhibiting anxiety in the doctor's office. We purchased a doctor kit, I brought home some syringes, and we bought some going to the doctor books. We do lots of medical play to teach her about the different medical equipment, gain mastery over them, and allow her to play her experiences. It helped some but clearly we need to do more. Her doctor is cool with us stopping by to say hi between now and her 2 year appointment.



8. Also, 2 year appointment!!!! Halso!!!!!!!



9. We went to a spray pool with friends from our Queer Adoptive Parents group. It is so great to have friends. Hester loved playing in the pool. So did we cause it was so HOT!
10. Hester has started showing interest in the potty so we bought a book about it (Mr. Rogers) and she sits on the potty when she wants to throughout the day. It is just the beginning and we just want her to get comfortable with the idea of the potty.



11. We went to the wedding of a former intern. It was in Wellfleet (Cape Cod) and was so very beautiful. Hester was so taken with the bride and groom, she learned their names and called to them throughout the party. She also got to walk on the beach the first time. She loved the ocean and the sand.



12. At work, I hosted nine visitors from a music therapy program in Japan. We had a mini conference with the other music therapist I work with, a music therapist who works at a hospital near by, and I presenting on medical music therapy. It was really cool to meet them. They were so very appreciative and the professor had the students sing two songs to thank me. It was beautiful. The professor was so excited for my work and what I was saying, she wants me to come to present in Japan. That would be way cool. She also thought I should be teaching medical music therapy at a local university, where she got her Masters degree. She was going to talk to the head of the program there about me. OK, that would be way cool too.



13. I have nine subjects to go on one study I am working on. Oh, please, may it be done soon!!!!



14. I was asked to serve on a small (6 person) task force by the president of the American Music Therapy Association. We are to work on the research priority. I am a bit nervous about this as the other five members are professors, PhDs, and superstars in research. I have a MA, am a clinician, and have published only 2 research articles. I feel a bit out of my league on this one. Actually, I feel WAY out of my league. EEEEE!!!!



15. Work is very busy, intense, and stressful. I'll stop there so I don't write any horribly downer post about it.
    

So that is the past month. Kind of busy, I guess. Funny, now I see why I have not posted much. I will try to post more. OK Clementine?

Crisis in the Church

My aunt died two weeks ago. My parents in all their wisdom, called me the next day at work. (Such a great choice of when and where to deliver news of some one's passing.) Anyway, it was for the best for she was very, gravely ill and in lots of pain. As they spoke, I started taking a survey of all I would need to do to get ready to go to her funeral. Then my parents told me not to come, that her own children would not be coming, and that there would not be a funeral, only a burial. My father then asked about Hester and was so relieved to hear that she was doing fine, with no developmental troubles from her extended hospitalization. As he was saying goodbye, he said to give Clementine a hug for them. This was a first for them to express any fondness toward Clementine. Death can do weird things to people.

The Sunday after I got the news, I was sitting in church and thinking about it all. I thought about how church and God has been used against me by my family and so many people. I thought about how I have been blamed for the schisms in my family. I thought about the new revelation that my Aunt was separated from her children for years, just like my mother. I thought about how hard I have tried over the years to be good, to follow Gods words, to try to heal my family, feeling that it was my fault some how. But now, now I see that it is a systemic pattern greater than my family. The traumas that my mother and her sister went through appear to have limited both from maintaining relationships with their children. All those years I tried to do what is good and right. All the years I prayed for help to mend things. All those years I thought it was my fault for setting limits, not being what she wanted me to be, for being myself. It was all a lie. It was all for nothing because it was not me.

I also thought about my Aunt. Didn't she deserve a funeral? Was she so awful that no one wanted one? Did no one see the kind heart she showed me? How could a sister lay to rest another and not want to celebrate her life?

Suddenly, church seemed like a big joke. I was angry to be there. I was angered by the talk of trying to heal relationships with others. It all seemed like a big load of crap.

Clementine and I talked about this and many things after church. Since then, I feel much better. I have resumed praying. But the anger about not knowing why things were as they are in my family still burns. Due to baby and poor time management, we have not gone to church since. But I am sure I will not be so angry but it may take some time before I can listen to talks of healing relationships or reaching out to others and not be cynical.

Belated Answers for Frog

Hey Frog. Thanks for answering my questions. I will answer yours now.


What's the most surprising and positive part of being a mom? The most surprising and challenging?
Hey, that is two questions in one. The most suprising and positive now part is how happy I am feeling. There is a lightness in my heart that I do not think has ever existed there. I like it very much. The most suprising and positive part ever was how much and how fast I loved Hester the second day of her life when she opened her little eyes and stared at me. It was that moment that I became her mother in my heart. It was that moment that I knew I would do anything to protect this child. It was that moment I felt more love than I ever imagined for a child wash over me. It was that moment I knew my life was changed forever and I did not mind.

The most challenging suprise for me was how much I thought of and missed my parents. Holding Hester late at night always brought me to thoughts of how my mother and father held me the same way late at night. How they must have been washed over with love and devotion for me as I am for Hester. How they must hurt so much to be cut off from me, as I imagine I would feel if I cut Hester out of my life. How hard their decision to turn against me must have been and must be every day. The compassion, love, and longing for my parents was and still is a challenge and a suprise.

How did you and Clementine meet?
Gay Marching Band.
No seriously.
I kid you not.
I had been playing with the marching band for a few years. Clementine joined it one winter. I played sax; Clementine played percussion. I watched her from across the brass section and marveled at her rhythmic precision and definitely noticed how very cute she was in her red Adidas hat. She volunteered to help me post fliers for an upcoming concert. We walked through the city that Saturday, posting fliers and talking. I discovered I had found the most enchanting and engaging woman ever. We walked and talked for hours. Stupidly, I wore my new boots to make my outfit more butch-y and cute, boots I had not broken in properly. About two hours into our fliering, I developed large blisters on each foot that covered the entire ball of my foot. But I kept walking, smiling, chatting, and flirting and did not limp. I did not tell her about my feet for I did not want the day to end. She was too wonderful and I was so captivated. Finally, when I did have to drop her off at her place so she could go to work, I drove around the corner, stopped the car, and screamed because my feet hurt like a mo fo. The romance had a bit of a rocky beginning after that but once we started dating, I think we both knew that each other was the one. That is our dorky but true story of how we met.

Do you have plans for more children? Pets?
Children, no. We were very clear in our decision to have a child that we really only wanted one. Clementine has said that once she met Hester, she knew our family was complete. I feel we are complete as well.

Pets, well, I believe we have a full house right now with two cats and one dog. I am sure we will have pets with us throughout our lives for we both get so much joy from them. I would feel incomplete without a cat or dog next to me. So, no exact plans as of now.

So to keep me blogging regularly, I will do as Frog did. Anyone can ask me three questions about anything and I will answer them. Of course, some topics may be handled like the current Bush nominee in a senate hearing: gracefully skirted.

Illness and Death

This week has been unusual. It started with a forwarded email from a cousin. Her brother's wife died suddenly. I did not know her at all. It bought back memories of those cousins when I was small and still lived in California. Since we moved to Colorado, nearly all my ties to cousins, aunts, and uncles faded. Since I am not close to the cousin, I sent a card and fruit basket to the family.

That night, I got a voice mail from my brother who told me a favorite aunt, my mother's sister, was gravely ill with renal disease and her pancreas had stopped working. I called and talked with him about it and learned that she is very weak. I cried that night, thinking of how she had always been special to me. When I was small, she worked for Avon and would send us the biggest box of Christmas presents every year. We would joke that you could smell it coming a week before it arrived. Even if I did not like the smells of the perfume or body lotion she choose for me, I treasured the gifts she gave me. I felt loved by her. Later in life, she embraced me as I was, when my family grappled with the inner and outer changes. She loved it when I dyed my hair black, which my mother HATED more than any other color I dyed my hair. She accepted my homosexuality without batting an eye (that I could see). She embraced Clementine and congratulated us on our legal marriage the last time we saw her. I remember one particularly bad night before my sisters wedding. My brothers and parents were on the front lawn yelling and fighting. My sister was acting like nothing was happening and wanted me to look at her bride book. I did not know what to do and my aunt walked up to me, holding a scotch on the rocks. She said, "Hashbrown, you are the only sane one here. I think you should take care of them outside. I am going to bed." With that and a bat of her false eyelashes, she waltzed to the guest room and shut the door. I did not go out to stop the fight but smiled at my aunt's belief that I was the only sane one. I love my aunt and am so sad to think she may be gone soon.

Since the voicemail from my brother, I have been emailing my parents a lot and even called them. I have not called them since they stormed out of our house seven years ago when they found they could not stop us from marrying. It turns out that my aunt had a huge falling out with her two children two years ago and she has not talked to them since. Neither know she is dying. Her daughter and I email periodically and my mother decided she needed to tell my cousins that their mother was dying. It is weird and scary for me to be in contact with my parents so much again. They are being very nice. But that is their pattern. First they are nice. Then they get mean when I open up and trust them. I hate to be so mistrusting of people but really cannot risk my heart or those of my wife and child to their spiteful behaviour.

The decision whether to go to California when she passes looms over me. I feel I should go say good bye to my aunt, who despite her flaws which were many, was always kind to me and accepting of me. Going would mean being around my parents who are such a threat to me now as they are being nice. And should I take Hester with me? It would be her first flight. I would love to introduce her to my brother and his wife, my cousin, and the extended family that I do not know. I will decide when the moment comes.

Thank you, Friend

Dear JPP,
Thank you for your kind card a few weeks ago. I was so touched by your words and kindness. When I read your card, I got a bit teary. I want you to know that I wrote those posts on the train after a particularly sad week of family issues. As it is with feelings and me, often after I say it, I feel much better and can move on to other things. However, I do want to say thank you for letting me know that you are there for me as well as Clementine. It is good to have wonderful people who have your back.
Love,
Hashbrown

Baptism and Support

We have set a date for Hester's Baptism, Oct. 7. She will be baptized by the priest who married us, in the church we were married in, and on the date of our 6th wedding anniversary. Pretty sweet, huh?

As Clementine discussed all her family that will be coming to Hester's baptism, I became more and more anti-family and grumpy. I did not want to spend so much time with family. It was not until much later that I realized that I sincerely doubt any of my family will be attending the baptism. That just ain't right.

You see, recently I spoke with Clementine about how I have built a family of choice out of my friends who are very special to me. I have worked so hard to cultivate and maintain these relationships. But when I sit down and really look at these relationships, I know I need them more than they need me. They have families who care about them. They don't NEED a family like I do. I know that when push comes to shove, I am ultimately alone, except for Clementine.

Then, a good friend who lives in Ohio called me and proved me wrong. She told me she was looking into coming out for the Baptism. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I told her how much it meant t me that she was going to try to come out. I told her that probably none of my family would be there. That doubled her desire to be there with us to celebrate Hester's big day.

Oh Brother

My brother, Snapdragon, has always had my back. He has been unceasingly my greatest ally in my family since I came out as a lesbian and as a survivor. As children, we were inseparable. People thought we were twins all the time. I secretly wished we were twins. He had so many traits I valued like his strength to withstand anything, his compassion, and his desire to learn more. Our close relationship has continued into our adulthood He means so much to me.

As Hester’s birth came closer, Snapdragon spoke of coming up to visit when she comes home to help us out around the house and to meet his niece. I was so touched that he wanted to come and be with us and share in our new family. But as the events of her birth and long hospitalization unfolded, his trip was postponed for the spring. I was cool with that.

However, those plans changed. Snapdragon called me and told me it would be in the summer. They have a friend in Mexico who had a child a year ago with whom they want to visit. Their reason for changing things up was that part of Mexico is very hot in the summer, hence going in the spring. They were going to come out when both he and his wife were on summer break.

The next time we discussed his trip to meet Hester; the date was changed to September. He and his wife had made plans to go to France to visit our sister. This is my sister who has been quite horrible to me. And it turns out that my other brother and parents will also be in France when Snapdragon and his wife are there.

The latest conversations about their visit have been punctuated with comments about how much all their travel has cost this year. He ponders aloud to me how they will be able to afford the trip to visit us after paying for France.

I am so hurt that the trip has been changed from January to spring to June to September. I feel like meeting his niece has taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I feel like I have taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I am pissed off that he changed the date of the trip here to see our sister. Or maybe it is all of this and more.

I want to tell him how I feel about the changes in the date to come visit us and meet Hester. But I worry that if I criticize I could loose the only family member who is supportive of me. I am sure these worries are just in my head. But am I brave enough to say anything?

Family Fun

While I am blogging about my parents response, let me share with you my sister's response to Hester coming home.

Great news! I wish you all the best.

Sister

I am pissed off at her. I mean, come on, this is her niece who just got out of the hospital. And I am her only sister who just became a mother. I simultaneously want to rip her a new a-hole and write her off even more. I know there are many factors at play:

1. She always wanted to be a mother but is not and is jealous.
2. She cursed me to have only puppies and kittens instead of children.
3. Perhaps she has issues still about adoption.
4. She certainly has major issues about homosexuality.
5. She and I have a huge rift that may be insurmountable.
6. She is very shut down.

Ah, who the fuck knows. They all need therapy.

Progress?

The day we brought Hester home, I received this email from my parents. Talk about timing.

Dear Hashbrown & Clementine,

Thank you for the announcement, thank you note, and letter with the pictures of Hester. We certainly appreciate you taking a picture of her in the outfit we sent. We thought she looked cute in it. She seems to be very alert with those big bright eyes. She probably does not miss a trick. That is really good.

You will be very busy and your life will be very full. It is a really good thing that Hester will have a home where she will be safe and loved.

Aunt Tater and Uncle Spud are visiting and we showed them the pictures and announcement. Aunt Tater asked about Hester's names and we were not able to tell her about them. They will be here for a month so maybe you could email us the origin of the names and we can share the information with them. They think she is a cute baby, also.

Love to all,
Dad and Mom

I don't know if it is a good sign or not. I don't want to get my heart all hopeful again that they will be nice and a part of my life. Especially now when I miss them so very much. There are so many things I want to share with them about being a parent. I wish they called all the time like Clementine's parents do. I wish they were planning to come up and meet Hester as Clementine's parents are.

What do you think? Is this letter progress?

New CDs

I ordered some new CD's for Hester.

This one is awesome! Even better than the Radiohead one.

I also got these which are fantastic.

They are filled with great music.

Loss

As we proceed this week with all the amazing things that have happened like getting the ultrasound, watching the baby be born, and spending time with the baby, I feel the hole in my heart for my parents and siblings. When we were sending people the ultrasound pictures, I wanted so badly to send it to them as well. Each night as we send pictures to our closest friends and family, I long to send some to my parents and even my sister. Instead, I turn to my friends, especially Rae who are my family of choice. I watch Clementine talking to her parents many times each day and hear about how very excited they are for this baby. I long to have this with my family, but know the reality. So I wait until if we get custody of this baby to tell my parents about her birth. It is times like this that I miss them so much.

Busted

Snapdragon, his wife, his in-laws, and I went to the Denver Art Museum's new wing that features modern art. It was interesting, weird, and disturbing. My favorite was when all of us were discussing a instillation of 18 hubcaps on a wall. We were unsure of the artistic message and how it is any different from the road side vendors of lost hubcaps. Anyway, most of us walked away from it, leaving Snapdragon. He turned to a man beside him saying something about how he did not get how it was art and the man turned out to be the artist. Ooops.

Holy Fuck!

So Peaches gets a call this morning that the birth mother's placenta has abrupted and she is in the hospital on steroids. We could be mothers TODAY!!! To top it off, I am in Colorado for my brother's graduation! I am so torn; I have been planning to come to this for a year and really want to be here for Snapdragon but I don't want Peaches to do all this alone!! Right now, we are leaving it at continuing my trip as planned as we wait for more developments. Also, now seeing my parents is so not a worry. Who cares what they may or may not say. I have a baby on the way!

I'll say it again.
Holy fuck!

Crying Over Shattered Deodorant

I am a wee bit stressed out lately. So many big things are happening all at once and this Saturday, I lost it. Let me tell you about it all.

1. Over the last ten days, our lives have changed dramatically. We are in the consideration of the birth parents for this child to be born early February. We are the only parents being considered and we will hear in the next few days if they want to meet us. If it works out, we have to get the funds together in very little time and prepare for the baby. We have done so much but I worry that there is so much left to do.
2. Thursday, I fly out to visit Snapdragon and see him graduate with his pre-med degree. I also get to visit my dear friend Chica, Psycho Kitty, and Rae. The down side is that I will be seeing my parents. I so do not want to see them or talk with them about the adoption. They are so very unpleasant. So that part of the trip is wicked stressful.
3. I had two moles removed about a month ago. Two weeks ago, I got a call from the doctors office saying that they "could not rule out cancer" in one of the moles and they needed to "shave the site down." It was clear that I was talking to the secretary and she did not have any good answers about what "could not rule out cancer" meant. I plan to find out tomorrow. Deep down in my brain, I have a very strong belief that it is not that serious. But my god, hearing the C word in relation to your body is quite frightening. This one tipped the scales over to the side of crazy Saturday.
4. Also, over the past two weeks , I had one abstract for a conference turned down as well as a manuscript for a journal. I have had maybe two rejections of conference abstracts EVER in my career, and I present a lot. My other three manuscripts were accepted for publication with minor changes. This one, one of the reviewers seemed to have it out for me. I revised that damn thing four times for her. My rejection letter contained the comments from both reviewers. The evil one had five things she did not like, things like arguing that it is not actually a pilot study. The other reviewer said it was ready to publish. This is my first manuscript to be rejected. I know it is all part of the process but I feel like I have lost my golden touch. I realize this may seem rather petty or dumb in relation to the other things like adoption and mole cancer worry, but these goals have a very important meaning to me.
5. Christmas is coming and that is always a stressful time. I don't feel at home with my in-laws. Now don't get me wrong, they are super nice and caring. It just is so very different from what I grew up with. I miss my family a lot during the holidays but know what I miss does not exist anymore. I love Peaches and my private celebration of Christmas. That is so wonderful. The spirit of the holiday lives in that wonderful evening each year. There is no complaining about gifts, yelling that someone ruined the green beans, fear that someone will not like a gift and berate you, or being left out or passed over because I am gay.
6. We were planning a party and we needed to clean the house, cook the cookies, make the other food, and get ready.
7. Oh, my period started that day and I was severely PMS-ing with the erratic moods.
8. My cold from THANKSGIVING is still around and getting worse.

So, I was so crazed that I picked stupid fights with Peaches. I tried to rein it in but it kept busting through. Finally, I was getting ready and reached for my crystal rock deodorant. It fell into the sink, slid across the bowl of the sink and did an Evil Kenevil jump over the counter onto the trash can lid where it shattered into a zillion shards of odor killing sharpness. I stared at it and started sobbing. It was immensely stupid to cry over my deodorant but then that really was not what I was crying over, now was it.

Today is day two of my period so the irrational, hormone influenced emotions are gone. I have apologized to Peaches and together we processed "like good social workers" the whole fight picking incidents. She is a wonderful woman and I know I am very lucky to have her love.

The cookie party went well. Our many wonderful friends we had not seen in a while came and it was just so nice to sit in the room with loving friends. We saw a few more this morning for breakfast. Everyone is so supportive of the adoption, asking about it, offering help, expressing excitement at the prospects of this baby.

Tomorrow, I find out about the mole. I'll let you all know.

I got my plans on how to deal with my parents. Chica and Psycho Kitty are coming to Snapdragon's graduation so that will help buffer the parents. My therapist helped me rehearse what to say to set limits. It will be ok. It is just scary when you only have seen them twice in six years and both times sent you to therapy afterwards.

As for the manuscript, I have another journal picked out and just need to work on undoing the stupid edits of the evil reviewer.

I am going to Price Chopper tomorrow to buy another crystal deodorant.

Optimism Ahoy!

I am such a freaking optimist, it makes me ill. Rather unexpectedly, we got a package in the mail from my parents. Yes, the parents who did not respond to my email telling them we are adopting. Apparently, while abroad, they thought of us and bought us each a silk scarf from France. They sent them to us, addressing the package to both Clementine and I as well as using our correct hyphenated last name. The note with it was simple and kind. We were shocked. Actually we were shocked because the scarves were folded up to be about a 6x6 inch square, the size of a quilt submission for our 100 Good Wishes Quilt. We froze and stared at the cloth saying "Oh my God, how did they find out about the quilt?" You see, being the estranged daughter, I did not tell my parents about the quilt. Anyway, I digress.

Once we realized they were scarves and a gift, we relaxed. But then optimism began to creep into my mind. At first I was saying to my self, "This is kind of them to think of us. It is a limited gesture from them but in their way, they are trying." Within a day or two, my internal talk became, "Maybe they have changed and they want to embrace our marriage and our child as part of the family. Maybe they will be grandparents to our child and be loving to Clementine and I." OH MY GOD!!!! This is my road to demise. For some people, it is drinking. For others, drugs. For others, too many blow up Christmas things on their lawn. From me, it is optimism for change in others.

I guess, this is what makes me a good therapist. If I did not believe in the power to change and that people have a natural tendency to move towards health and change, I would be a piss poor humanist music therapist. But that freaking sunny side of things view really back fires when I am trying my best to keep up healthy boundaries (limited contact) with my parents in order to protect myself from being hurt. It is that freaking optimism that is my Achilles heel.

I must keep my eye on the big picture.

Superstar

Peaches is a superstar! For five minutes at least, a child in her care bellowed "I want my dad!" at the top of his lungs. Peaches remained calm and helped the boy to calm down. She is amazing!!

Best Laid Plans

I have been planning for at least six months to go to my brother's graduation this December. This is my brother, Snapdragon, with whom I am very close to. After working as a massage therapist for years, he decided to go back to get his pre-med bachelors degree and then to go to Chiropractor school. In Dec., he will be graduating with a double major in chemistry and biology. He has a 4.0 average. I am so proud of him!

The beauty of the trip to his graduation was that no one else in my family was planning to go. I was thrilled to share such an important day with Snapdragon without the stress of the the rest of the the Potatoheads. Snapdragon was really excited that he and his wife would have all that time to spend with me as well.

That changed the other day when I called him to chat. Evidently, my parents who earlier had said they were not going to go, are going to go to his graduation. This posed a huge dilemma. Do I go and endure their crap? Do I go visit them another time? I had to take a few days to decide.

I am going to go. After thinking and talking with Peaches, I came up with quite a few ways to limit the impact of my parents' crap. So I am making my travel plans now and will go celebrate Snapdragon's great achievement with his wife.

Recent Pet Pics

Reuben

Josie

Clara

Jack-O-Lanterns

Do you like my carving?

Wolf

Shark

Skeleton head with wings from old gravestones

Thanks Peaches

Look at my diaper bag that Peaches bought me! Isn't it rad? I love it! She is the best!!