Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
30 October, 2008
11 February, 2008
dilemna
Tonight, we interview a babysitter. I am not thrilled about it. We need one but I don't want to leave Hester with anyone. Just look at us so far, she is a year old and she has been babysat four times, twice by Clementine's parents, and the other two times by close friends. Clearly, neither of us are thrilled by the prosepect.
But, timing for conferences overlapped. My regular spring conference is the same date as an adoption conference that Clementine wants to go to. I would just come home and skip that day but I have to present and I am on the board and we have a meeting that afternoon. Clementine has talked about going to this conference for a year plus. I feel horrible when she says that my work superseeds her adoption needs. That is not right. But I have obligations. I am seriously considering not running for office again to avoid this. Family comes first, right?
Beyond all this crap and the ususal frets of a first time parent leaving their kid with a babysitter, I have other baggage that is seriously muddying my thoughts. You may remmeber that I am a survivor but you may not know that it was a babysitter that molested me. My mother and I talked about this once, while she believed me. She told me that the woman (yes, it was a woman who molested me) came with good references and was very kind. She was very loving toward me and said I was her special one. My parents were releived to have a kind older lady to watch thier kids so they could go do things. And now, Clementine and I need someone to watch Hester, but I freeze inside thinking that I could put my daughter, my heart, in the care of someone who could hurt her as I was hurt. Nothing in this world is more important than keeping her safe.
But then I look at my wife who makes a living caring for other people's children. She loves each of them and does a wonderful job with them. We could maybe find someone like her to care for Hester. But how do you know?
We went to hear Eve Ensler speak the other day, which was great. But parts of the lecture was hard for me to hear. I was holding Hester and listening to her discuss abuses women and children endure. I found myself holding Hester tighter to my breast as I listened. How does one protect their girl child through childhood. I don't want her to be the 1 in 3 girls who are violated. I don't want to have history be recreated.
So we are interviewing some dude tonight about child care. I am not sold on him at all. Partly, because he is a man. Weird since I was molested by a women. But the majority of offenders are men. I just don't feel ready for this. I just want Hester to be safe.
But, timing for conferences overlapped. My regular spring conference is the same date as an adoption conference that Clementine wants to go to. I would just come home and skip that day but I have to present and I am on the board and we have a meeting that afternoon. Clementine has talked about going to this conference for a year plus. I feel horrible when she says that my work superseeds her adoption needs. That is not right. But I have obligations. I am seriously considering not running for office again to avoid this. Family comes first, right?
Beyond all this crap and the ususal frets of a first time parent leaving their kid with a babysitter, I have other baggage that is seriously muddying my thoughts. You may remmeber that I am a survivor but you may not know that it was a babysitter that molested me. My mother and I talked about this once, while she believed me. She told me that the woman (yes, it was a woman who molested me) came with good references and was very kind. She was very loving toward me and said I was her special one. My parents were releived to have a kind older lady to watch thier kids so they could go do things. And now, Clementine and I need someone to watch Hester, but I freeze inside thinking that I could put my daughter, my heart, in the care of someone who could hurt her as I was hurt. Nothing in this world is more important than keeping her safe.
But then I look at my wife who makes a living caring for other people's children. She loves each of them and does a wonderful job with them. We could maybe find someone like her to care for Hester. But how do you know?
We went to hear Eve Ensler speak the other day, which was great. But parts of the lecture was hard for me to hear. I was holding Hester and listening to her discuss abuses women and children endure. I found myself holding Hester tighter to my breast as I listened. How does one protect their girl child through childhood. I don't want her to be the 1 in 3 girls who are violated. I don't want to have history be recreated.
So we are interviewing some dude tonight about child care. I am not sold on him at all. Partly, because he is a man. Weird since I was molested by a women. But the majority of offenders are men. I just don't feel ready for this. I just want Hester to be safe.
13 January, 2008
Happy Birthday Hester!
20 November, 2007
Travel Stress
When I was on maternity leave in March, I was asked to be a co-presenter at the American Music Therapy Association's conference in November. Our date for presenting was set months ago for November 15th in the morning. Then, a month or so ago, we were told that Hester's finalization was scheduled for Friday November 16th at 8 in the morning. I made my travel plans to go to the conference on Wednesday, present Thursday morning, get on a plane, and get home before 10 PM. Sounds like a good plan, huh?
The presentation went well and I left the hotel early, giving myself more than two hours to go through security, find my gate, and relax. It all went well until the flight boarded a bit late, but I had almost an hour layover so it was still OK. Then we pulled out onto the tarmac and stopped. The pilot said we would be waiting there for 45 minutes to take off. This put me into Chicago 15 minutes late for my connecting flight. I called my airline from the tarmac to rearrange my connecting flight. While on hold for ever, the pilot said to turn off cell phones because we were about to take off.
The whole way to Chicago, I was thinking of what to do. What if I could not get a flight? Could I rent a car and get home in time for the adoption? If I got to the airport by 5:30 AM, I could take the commuter rail home, change into my suit from the day before, and be there on time. If I got in later, I could borrow one of my coworkers truck and drive to the court house, wearing my suit from the day before. What if I could not be there? Would my wife or daughter ever forgive me for missing it? Could I ever forgive myself? What a horrible mother I am!
I got to Chicago and called the airline again. The woman found me the last seat on the next flight. As she told me I had a seat, I started to cry. I told her that I had to get home for my daughter's adoption and thanked her a zillion times. People in the airport must have thought I was crazy for I was still crying as I walked to the next concourse where my new flight was to take off from.
By the time I arrived, my flight had been delayed until 8:30 PM from 7:20 PM. Over the next hour and a half, it was delayed to 9:40 PM and the gate was changed twice and the concourse changed once. My concern then became will I get home in time for the shuttle service ride home. Their last shuttle is at 12:15 AM. The flight would make it, just barely.
We boarded the plane 30 minutes late and then the plane just sat there for another 45 minutes. I knew it would arrive later than 12:15 AM. Clementine had said to call her if I needed a ride home and she and Hester would come get me. I did not want to do that. Luckily, when I landed, I called the shuttle service and they were waiting for me outdoors. I booked it to the shuttle and got home at 2 AM.
I was thrilled that I made it home in time, that I was not a bad mother, and that I could share this very special day with my family, Hester and Clementine.
The presentation went well and I left the hotel early, giving myself more than two hours to go through security, find my gate, and relax. It all went well until the flight boarded a bit late, but I had almost an hour layover so it was still OK. Then we pulled out onto the tarmac and stopped. The pilot said we would be waiting there for 45 minutes to take off. This put me into Chicago 15 minutes late for my connecting flight. I called my airline from the tarmac to rearrange my connecting flight. While on hold for ever, the pilot said to turn off cell phones because we were about to take off.
The whole way to Chicago, I was thinking of what to do. What if I could not get a flight? Could I rent a car and get home in time for the adoption? If I got to the airport by 5:30 AM, I could take the commuter rail home, change into my suit from the day before, and be there on time. If I got in later, I could borrow one of my coworkers truck and drive to the court house, wearing my suit from the day before. What if I could not be there? Would my wife or daughter ever forgive me for missing it? Could I ever forgive myself? What a horrible mother I am!
I got to Chicago and called the airline again. The woman found me the last seat on the next flight. As she told me I had a seat, I started to cry. I told her that I had to get home for my daughter's adoption and thanked her a zillion times. People in the airport must have thought I was crazy for I was still crying as I walked to the next concourse where my new flight was to take off from.
By the time I arrived, my flight had been delayed until 8:30 PM from 7:20 PM. Over the next hour and a half, it was delayed to 9:40 PM and the gate was changed twice and the concourse changed once. My concern then became will I get home in time for the shuttle service ride home. Their last shuttle is at 12:15 AM. The flight would make it, just barely.
We boarded the plane 30 minutes late and then the plane just sat there for another 45 minutes. I knew it would arrive later than 12:15 AM. Clementine had said to call her if I needed a ride home and she and Hester would come get me. I did not want to do that. Luckily, when I landed, I called the shuttle service and they were waiting for me outdoors. I booked it to the shuttle and got home at 2 AM.
I was thrilled that I made it home in time, that I was not a bad mother, and that I could share this very special day with my family, Hester and Clementine.
20 October, 2007
Still
Weeks ago, right after I wrote the post about being mad at our priest, we got an opportunity to speak with her. We were sitting in church and her homily included stories about friends of hers who have a baby who has been in the hospital much of his life. She spoke of the importance of supporting those who are part of our community. I sat there and fumed. After, Clementine and I decided the topic of today's sermon set us up perfectly to talk to our priest about our concerns. We met with her and told her how we emailed her and the church but never heard back from them. She was clearly stunned that we had reached out but not been heard. Her surprise quelled my anger and let me see that it was truly a breakdown in the communication system. We recommended that they look into it and fix the problem so others pleas will be heard.
I was surprised to hear my voice grow heavy with sorrow and to see Clementine turn away to wipe her tears from her eyes as we told our priest. All those emotions that we could not feel at the time because we were in survival mode are now coming to the surface. In that moment, I understood why we are both so exhausted and have decreased emotional reserve since Hester's birth. Spending night after night with her in the hospital and then having to rush to our work every day only to worry about her all day took a such a toll upon us. I then thought that with time and care, we are returning to how we once were. But really, I know we will never be those two people, for now our family is three. We are bound together with Hester for the rest of our lives and beyond. Each day of our history together with Hester is written in our souls and hearts. Those weeks will always be with us and I do not think either of us will not get tearful as we remember seeing our daughter suffering.
I was surprised to hear my voice grow heavy with sorrow and to see Clementine turn away to wipe her tears from her eyes as we told our priest. All those emotions that we could not feel at the time because we were in survival mode are now coming to the surface. In that moment, I understood why we are both so exhausted and have decreased emotional reserve since Hester's birth. Spending night after night with her in the hospital and then having to rush to our work every day only to worry about her all day took a such a toll upon us. I then thought that with time and care, we are returning to how we once were. But really, I know we will never be those two people, for now our family is three. We are bound together with Hester for the rest of our lives and beyond. Each day of our history together with Hester is written in our souls and hearts. Those weeks will always be with us and I do not think either of us will not get tearful as we remember seeing our daughter suffering.
18 October, 2007
Belated Answers for Frog
Hey Frog. Thanks for answering my questions. I will answer yours now.
What's the most surprising and positive part of being a mom? The most surprising and challenging?
Hey, that is two questions in one. The most suprising and positive now part is how happy I am feeling. There is a lightness in my heart that I do not think has ever existed there. I like it very much. The most suprising and positive part ever was how much and how fast I loved Hester the second day of her life when she opened her little eyes and stared at me. It was that moment that I became her mother in my heart. It was that moment that I knew I would do anything to protect this child. It was that moment I felt more love than I ever imagined for a child wash over me. It was that moment I knew my life was changed forever and I did not mind.
The most challenging suprise for me was how much I thought of and missed my parents. Holding Hester late at night always brought me to thoughts of how my mother and father held me the same way late at night. How they must have been washed over with love and devotion for me as I am for Hester. How they must hurt so much to be cut off from me, as I imagine I would feel if I cut Hester out of my life. How hard their decision to turn against me must have been and must be every day. The compassion, love, and longing for my parents was and still is a challenge and a suprise.
How did you and Clementine meet?
Gay Marching Band.
No seriously.
I kid you not.
I had been playing with the marching band for a few years. Clementine joined it one winter. I played sax; Clementine played percussion. I watched her from across the brass section and marveled at her rhythmic precision and definitely noticed how very cute she was in her red Adidas hat. She volunteered to help me post fliers for an upcoming concert. We walked through the city that Saturday, posting fliers and talking. I discovered I had found the most enchanting and engaging woman ever. We walked and talked for hours. Stupidly, I wore my new boots to make my outfit more butch-y and cute, boots I had not broken in properly. About two hours into our fliering, I developed large blisters on each foot that covered the entire ball of my foot. But I kept walking, smiling, chatting, and flirting and did not limp. I did not tell her about my feet for I did not want the day to end. She was too wonderful and I was so captivated. Finally, when I did have to drop her off at her place so she could go to work, I drove around the corner, stopped the car, and screamed because my feet hurt like a mo fo. The romance had a bit of a rocky beginning after that but once we started dating, I think we both knew that each other was the one. That is our dorky but true story of how we met.
Do you have plans for more children? Pets?
Children, no. We were very clear in our decision to have a child that we really only wanted one. Clementine has said that once she met Hester, she knew our family was complete. I feel we are complete as well.
Pets, well, I believe we have a full house right now with two cats and one dog. I am sure we will have pets with us throughout our lives for we both get so much joy from them. I would feel incomplete without a cat or dog next to me. So, no exact plans as of now.
So to keep me blogging regularly, I will do as Frog did. Anyone can ask me three questions about anything and I will answer them. Of course, some topics may be handled like the current Bush nominee in a senate hearing: gracefully skirted.
What's the most surprising and positive part of being a mom? The most surprising and challenging?
Hey, that is two questions in one. The most suprising and positive now part is how happy I am feeling. There is a lightness in my heart that I do not think has ever existed there. I like it very much. The most suprising and positive part ever was how much and how fast I loved Hester the second day of her life when she opened her little eyes and stared at me. It was that moment that I became her mother in my heart. It was that moment that I knew I would do anything to protect this child. It was that moment I felt more love than I ever imagined for a child wash over me. It was that moment I knew my life was changed forever and I did not mind.
The most challenging suprise for me was how much I thought of and missed my parents. Holding Hester late at night always brought me to thoughts of how my mother and father held me the same way late at night. How they must have been washed over with love and devotion for me as I am for Hester. How they must hurt so much to be cut off from me, as I imagine I would feel if I cut Hester out of my life. How hard their decision to turn against me must have been and must be every day. The compassion, love, and longing for my parents was and still is a challenge and a suprise.
How did you and Clementine meet?
Gay Marching Band.
No seriously.
I kid you not.
I had been playing with the marching band for a few years. Clementine joined it one winter. I played sax; Clementine played percussion. I watched her from across the brass section and marveled at her rhythmic precision and definitely noticed how very cute she was in her red Adidas hat. She volunteered to help me post fliers for an upcoming concert. We walked through the city that Saturday, posting fliers and talking. I discovered I had found the most enchanting and engaging woman ever. We walked and talked for hours. Stupidly, I wore my new boots to make my outfit more butch-y and cute, boots I had not broken in properly. About two hours into our fliering, I developed large blisters on each foot that covered the entire ball of my foot. But I kept walking, smiling, chatting, and flirting and did not limp. I did not tell her about my feet for I did not want the day to end. She was too wonderful and I was so captivated. Finally, when I did have to drop her off at her place so she could go to work, I drove around the corner, stopped the car, and screamed because my feet hurt like a mo fo. The romance had a bit of a rocky beginning after that but once we started dating, I think we both knew that each other was the one. That is our dorky but true story of how we met.
Do you have plans for more children? Pets?
Children, no. We were very clear in our decision to have a child that we really only wanted one. Clementine has said that once she met Hester, she knew our family was complete. I feel we are complete as well.
Pets, well, I believe we have a full house right now with two cats and one dog. I am sure we will have pets with us throughout our lives for we both get so much joy from them. I would feel incomplete without a cat or dog next to me. So, no exact plans as of now.
So to keep me blogging regularly, I will do as Frog did. Anyone can ask me three questions about anything and I will answer them. Of course, some topics may be handled like the current Bush nominee in a senate hearing: gracefully skirted.
31 August, 2007
Singing to my child
From the first days with Hester, I sang to her the song "Always." It is an old song, in 3/4 time, with a beautiful melody. I chose to sing it to her for it's words.
I'll be loving you, always
With a love that's true, always
When the things you planned
Need a helping hand
I will understand, always, always
Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll be there, always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year
But always.
When I first sang it to her, I cried at the promise in the lyrics and meant every word. I sing it to her nearly every day. Now when I sing it to her, she knows it. If she is crying because she is tired, she stops crying and looks at me. And lately, she reaches up and touches my lips as I sing. I don't cry anymore when I sing it to her, but I still feel the enormity of the promise, a promise to parent differently than I was taught. A promise to never turn my back on her.
I'll be loving you, always
With a love that's true, always
When the things you planned
Need a helping hand
I will understand, always, always
Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll be there, always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year
But always.
When I first sang it to her, I cried at the promise in the lyrics and meant every word. I sing it to her nearly every day. Now when I sing it to her, she knows it. If she is crying because she is tired, she stops crying and looks at me. And lately, she reaches up and touches my lips as I sing. I don't cry anymore when I sing it to her, but I still feel the enormity of the promise, a promise to parent differently than I was taught. A promise to never turn my back on her.
13 July, 2007
04 July, 2007
Mumzy Hester Zoo Day
Hester and I have Mondays together. For a while, there have been appointments, visitors, or Hester was ill on our Mondays so we have not done much. Last week, we did go strawberry picking. A little thing I learned from that, Hester does not like to be in the front carrier when you bend over repeatedly to pick strawberries. Next time, leave her in the stroller.
This Monday, we went to the zoo. It was a wonderful day. Hester rode in the front carrier so she could see the animals. It was so cool to show my daughter her first elephant, giraffe, and camel. She loved the animals. Each time she saw one, she kicked her legs, waved her arms, and talked up a storm. It was a wonderful, wonderful day. I love being her Mumzy.
Hester and the camel.
Hester LOVED the crane!
Hester post-zoo fun.
20 June, 2007
Boston Pride
This year, there is no snap report on Boston Pride. Sorry, I spent the day bummed about family issues. I felt like I was missing so much of Hester's life because of work. Two days a week, at least, I don't even see her awake unless there is a midnight feeding. And that is only change her diaper, feed her, watch her fall asleep within the first 5 minutes of her bottle, and put her back to bed when she finishes eating.
By Monday morning, my funky mood was still around and quite sour. Poor Clementine had to witness it all and bear the weight of my sadness. As I weeded the garden Monday afternoon, I thought about all the time I wasted feeling upset that I don't have much time with Hester. I thought about how much my crappy mood took away from my time with my daughter. I decided that all I can do beyond quit my job (which cannot happen for a very long time) is to accept things as they are, focus on the positives, and enjoy my time with my daughter and wife. Wish me luck.
By Monday morning, my funky mood was still around and quite sour. Poor Clementine had to witness it all and bear the weight of my sadness. As I weeded the garden Monday afternoon, I thought about all the time I wasted feeling upset that I don't have much time with Hester. I thought about how much my crappy mood took away from my time with my daughter. I decided that all I can do beyond quit my job (which cannot happen for a very long time) is to accept things as they are, focus on the positives, and enjoy my time with my daughter and wife. Wish me luck.
18 June, 2007
Perfect Night
Tonight, I brought Hester upstairs to her room to get her settled. As she is getting older now, 5 months, I think it is time to start getting her in a routine at night and a semi-regular bedtime. So first, I changed her diaper and put her in her sleeper. She is so funny. The second you start taking off her cloths to change her diaper or her cloths, she starts smiling. The girl loves to be naked. After that, we settled into the rocking chair and read a few books, "Tell Me Again About the Day I was Born," and "Madeline." She got a bit frustrated and tried to eat the books but I did not let her. We shifted positions a few times to make her happier and I started to sing to her. I sang "Always," "Down in the Valley," "De Colores," "Twinkle Twinkle," and a few others. Right after I started singing, she calmed down and looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes. She stared at me as I sang to her until she turned her head away, shut her eyes, and promptly fell asleep. It was a wonderful ending to a great day together.
01 June, 2007
Bad Week
This week is rough, filled with lots of feeling bad. After five action packed days with my in-laws, I returned to work. Tuesday is one of my 12 hour work days where I am gone from the house for 16 hours. In the late afternoon, as I was returning to the hospital after a coffee run, I got a call from Clementine that Hester was running a low fever. I felt so bad that I was enjoying a coffee from Starbucks while my baby is sick and Clementine is taking care of her and all the other children in her child care. I felt that my place was not work but to be home with our child, making her feel better. That night, when I got home, Hester and Clementine were already in bed. It is common for me not to even see our daughter awake on my long days.
Wednesday morning, I saw Hester for her 4 AM feeding and then got ready to go to work again. That evening, we were to have haircuts. After work, I had a bit of time between work and the appointment so I went to Porter Square to buy some yarn for projects for pregnant coworkers. I was having such a nice relaxing time looking at yarn, listening to my Zen on the T, and walking around the city. I called Clementine to get an ETA on her arrival and heard Hester’s loud cry and Clementine’s harried voice. A nightmare of screaming and puking was taking place on the MassPike. For a summary of that nightmare, read here. I felt so bad and guilty that I was having such a nice relaxing time and they were having an awful time. I went to the Starbucks near our hairdresser and awaited Clementine and Hester’s arrival. I felt like I should be in the car, caring for Hester, helping Clementine out but instead I was sitting there, drinking tea, and knitting. After our haircuts, Hester cried and puked for much of the trip home. I tried as hard as I could to soothe her, singing, holding her hand, stroking her head, and talking to her but nothing worked. She finally fell asleep. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world for wanting to get a hair cut when it clearly was too much for my baby, putting my vanity in front of my child’s needs. At the same time, I felt so frustrated that I cannot even get a simple good haircut since becoming a mother. It was horrible.
Hester slept though the night but woke up before I left for work Thursday. I left for work with Clementine crying, frustrated that Hester ate only 1 ounce of formula and then proceeded to play with her toes, refusing to eat more. Through the day, I tried to call a bunch to offer Clementine what support I could from afar. She told me how Hester was still not eating much and that the other kids were having a difficult time getting along. She sounded so harried and upset. Meanwhile, I am in the air conditioned hospital away from all that drama, having a pretty mellow day. I was dying to get home and see my child awake and happy. I wanted to listen to my wife in person and give her the support she needs. But the train was messed up and delivered us an hour late home. By then, Hester was asleep for the night and I was overwrought with guilt and feelings of being a bad mother for never being home with my child when she needed me or home with my wife when she needed me. I ended up crying and dumping all this plus family crap and work crap all over Clementine. So much for being supportive.
At 2 AM, Hester woke up for a bottle. I got up even though Clementine had offered to do my night after my crying fit. I do savor the moments with Hester. She smiled her big gummy grin as I changed her diaper. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms as I fed her the bottle. I put her down and went to bed again, got up at 5 and went to work for another long day. When I get home tonight, Hester, and maybe Clementine, will be asleep. I miss my daughter and my wife. I wish I could do a better job at balancing all this and being a good mother.
Wednesday morning, I saw Hester for her 4 AM feeding and then got ready to go to work again. That evening, we were to have haircuts. After work, I had a bit of time between work and the appointment so I went to Porter Square to buy some yarn for projects for pregnant coworkers. I was having such a nice relaxing time looking at yarn, listening to my Zen on the T, and walking around the city. I called Clementine to get an ETA on her arrival and heard Hester’s loud cry and Clementine’s harried voice. A nightmare of screaming and puking was taking place on the MassPike. For a summary of that nightmare, read here. I felt so bad and guilty that I was having such a nice relaxing time and they were having an awful time. I went to the Starbucks near our hairdresser and awaited Clementine and Hester’s arrival. I felt like I should be in the car, caring for Hester, helping Clementine out but instead I was sitting there, drinking tea, and knitting. After our haircuts, Hester cried and puked for much of the trip home. I tried as hard as I could to soothe her, singing, holding her hand, stroking her head, and talking to her but nothing worked. She finally fell asleep. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world for wanting to get a hair cut when it clearly was too much for my baby, putting my vanity in front of my child’s needs. At the same time, I felt so frustrated that I cannot even get a simple good haircut since becoming a mother. It was horrible.
Hester slept though the night but woke up before I left for work Thursday. I left for work with Clementine crying, frustrated that Hester ate only 1 ounce of formula and then proceeded to play with her toes, refusing to eat more. Through the day, I tried to call a bunch to offer Clementine what support I could from afar. She told me how Hester was still not eating much and that the other kids were having a difficult time getting along. She sounded so harried and upset. Meanwhile, I am in the air conditioned hospital away from all that drama, having a pretty mellow day. I was dying to get home and see my child awake and happy. I wanted to listen to my wife in person and give her the support she needs. But the train was messed up and delivered us an hour late home. By then, Hester was asleep for the night and I was overwrought with guilt and feelings of being a bad mother for never being home with my child when she needed me or home with my wife when she needed me. I ended up crying and dumping all this plus family crap and work crap all over Clementine. So much for being supportive.
At 2 AM, Hester woke up for a bottle. I got up even though Clementine had offered to do my night after my crying fit. I do savor the moments with Hester. She smiled her big gummy grin as I changed her diaper. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms as I fed her the bottle. I put her down and went to bed again, got up at 5 and went to work for another long day. When I get home tonight, Hester, and maybe Clementine, will be asleep. I miss my daughter and my wife. I wish I could do a better job at balancing all this and being a good mother.
16 May, 2007
Questions Answered
A while ago, Abigail asked "Do you still enjoy work? Or is it just something to get through so you can be with your loved ones again?"
I have been thinking a lot about how parenthood has affected me at work. There are so many shifts, some subtle and some not so subtle. I have taken some time to sort through it all. I don't have a definitive answer but I will do my best.
Do I still enjoy work? Yes, I do. I have always LOVED my job. That hospital is the BOMB! Most of my coworkers are friendly and kind. The work is compelling. The patients and their families are really wonderful people. The opportunities for and support of music therapy research is there. I have an internship program up and running. The priorities toward providing the children with the best possible health care with no expense spared makes the place amazing. So, I still love my work.
I do find that my energy level at work has changed. My focus is not quite as intense as it was before January. I work hard but not as hard as I used to. Emotional situations are harder for me to be open to. When a parent cried the other day as her child fell asleep in the OR, I opened myself to empathizing by imagining Hester in the woman's child's place. I was immediately flooded with so much sadness and worry. I had to shut down my thoughts of Hester in order to continue to support the parent as we left the OR.
I find it is harder to be present with patients during painful procedures. I need to compartmentalize my home life far from my work life. This is a skill I already had but am employing it even more now. However, I feel like I am too closed off to really connect to my patients like I was before Hester's birth. I am not sure if it is that I am protecting myself or that I am so tired that I don't have the energy to be fully present during intense painful experiences. It is not that I am doing horribly at work. The shift is minor and I don't think my coworkers even notice. But I see it. I am not sure if these changes are permanent or just for now.
Is work something I just do to get through the day until I can go home to my loved ones? Kind of. Before Hester, MT was my life and my job and career were tightly married. Since Hester, I am still dedicated to my career. I just have new priorities that supersede MT. And I don't mind it at all. I am still very dedicated to continuing to do research, to find better ways to treat my clients, to serve on the regional and national levels, and my practice. But little Hester and my family (Clementine and Hester and I) are more important. I no longer see my job and career as one in the same. My job right now is a ways to attain my career goals but not the end all be all. I can see myself working else where in a few years. Maybe a small community hospital, maybe a private practice focusing on pain and wellness, maybe even working at a fancy spa. Who knows? But I do not have to keep at my current job until retirement anymore. I am willing to make sacrifices of the fabulousness of my current hospital for more time with my family.
Did that answer your questions?
I have been thinking a lot about how parenthood has affected me at work. There are so many shifts, some subtle and some not so subtle. I have taken some time to sort through it all. I don't have a definitive answer but I will do my best.
Do I still enjoy work? Yes, I do. I have always LOVED my job. That hospital is the BOMB! Most of my coworkers are friendly and kind. The work is compelling. The patients and their families are really wonderful people. The opportunities for and support of music therapy research is there. I have an internship program up and running. The priorities toward providing the children with the best possible health care with no expense spared makes the place amazing. So, I still love my work.
I do find that my energy level at work has changed. My focus is not quite as intense as it was before January. I work hard but not as hard as I used to. Emotional situations are harder for me to be open to. When a parent cried the other day as her child fell asleep in the OR, I opened myself to empathizing by imagining Hester in the woman's child's place. I was immediately flooded with so much sadness and worry. I had to shut down my thoughts of Hester in order to continue to support the parent as we left the OR.
I find it is harder to be present with patients during painful procedures. I need to compartmentalize my home life far from my work life. This is a skill I already had but am employing it even more now. However, I feel like I am too closed off to really connect to my patients like I was before Hester's birth. I am not sure if it is that I am protecting myself or that I am so tired that I don't have the energy to be fully present during intense painful experiences. It is not that I am doing horribly at work. The shift is minor and I don't think my coworkers even notice. But I see it. I am not sure if these changes are permanent or just for now.
Is work something I just do to get through the day until I can go home to my loved ones? Kind of. Before Hester, MT was my life and my job and career were tightly married. Since Hester, I am still dedicated to my career. I just have new priorities that supersede MT. And I don't mind it at all. I am still very dedicated to continuing to do research, to find better ways to treat my clients, to serve on the regional and national levels, and my practice. But little Hester and my family (Clementine and Hester and I) are more important. I no longer see my job and career as one in the same. My job right now is a ways to attain my career goals but not the end all be all. I can see myself working else where in a few years. Maybe a small community hospital, maybe a private practice focusing on pain and wellness, maybe even working at a fancy spa. Who knows? But I do not have to keep at my current job until retirement anymore. I am willing to make sacrifices of the fabulousness of my current hospital for more time with my family.
Did that answer your questions?
30 April, 2007
Finally, a moment to blog
Things have been so busy lately. Having a little baby at home really limits how much I am able to do in my time home. Especially since I jump at any chance to take care of her since I am away from her so much when I am working.
So the first week at work was good but it got much worse after that. During my second week at work, the census at work was down and there was more time to think about home than usual. I ached in my heart to be away from Hester. I counted the moments to the end of my shift. I stared at pictures of Hester. I tried not to cry. Since that week, each week seems a little bit better. But even now, as I think about being at work all day and into the night tomorrow, I feel the tears rise.
Work is picking up and some new children have arrived that look to be interesting and challenging to work with. That is good for I will have less time to think about where I wish I was.
So the first week at work was good but it got much worse after that. During my second week at work, the census at work was down and there was more time to think about home than usual. I ached in my heart to be away from Hester. I counted the moments to the end of my shift. I stared at pictures of Hester. I tried not to cry. Since that week, each week seems a little bit better. But even now, as I think about being at work all day and into the night tomorrow, I feel the tears rise.
Work is picking up and some new children have arrived that look to be interesting and challenging to work with. That is good for I will have less time to think about where I wish I was.
11 April, 2007
It is all Okey Dokey
Except I don't have much free time to blog, knit, or answer emails.
So being back to work has been OK, good even. I am actually happy to be at work but still so very happy to be a parent. I do love my job and the time away and the changes in me since Hester was born have made me really get back to what I love about it. I am recharged and focused while I am there. I have a different perspective that I am not sure I can quite sum up yet. It helps so much that work is such a nice community of people who all know each other's business. Everyone asks about Hester and asks me how I am doing being back. I get the usual question about how much she is sleeping. It is really nice to work with such a nice group of people. Also, the patients are so very compelling and amazing. I really enjoy working with them and seeing them grow, heal, and smile.
I think one thing working in my benefit as I have resumed working is that I am excellent at compartmentalizing my life. So when I am at work, I am there and not much else exists. When I am home, I am there and work does not exist. I am very appreciative of this skill now.
We have come up with a pretty good feeding schedule, well, schedule of who will do what night feeding. I do the ones the nights that I am at work that way Clementine can sleep and do the early morning one if Hester happens to wake then. I am happy doing it too. I treasure the quiet night feeding, holding Hester, and rocking her to sleep. I don't talk with her much for I am trying to reinforce that night is not a time to wake up and play. So we listen to some music and just look at each other while she eats. These times have become very special to me. Throughout the day today, when I had a moment free, I could feel Hester in my arms from the night before, the weight of her, the warmth of her and her soft blanket, the smell of her, and the sound of her soft coos. These thoughts bring such peace and joy to me.
As the end of my shift rolls around, I feel myself getting excited to come home and be with my family. There is a lightness that has settled into my heart since my little family grew to three. My focus has shifted to more domestic than ever before. This shift feels good to me.
I know that I am more likely to grow weary of my commute and want to find a job near home sooner now that Hester is here. I am OK with that too. So, while I am at work, I am really focused on getting the projects I wanted to accomplish finished and really enjoying the time I am there. I am not going to go anytime soon but within the next five years, I can see myself moving on.
So that is where I am. Hester is waking so I better go. Thanks for checking in on me.
So being back to work has been OK, good even. I am actually happy to be at work but still so very happy to be a parent. I do love my job and the time away and the changes in me since Hester was born have made me really get back to what I love about it. I am recharged and focused while I am there. I have a different perspective that I am not sure I can quite sum up yet. It helps so much that work is such a nice community of people who all know each other's business. Everyone asks about Hester and asks me how I am doing being back. I get the usual question about how much she is sleeping. It is really nice to work with such a nice group of people. Also, the patients are so very compelling and amazing. I really enjoy working with them and seeing them grow, heal, and smile.
I think one thing working in my benefit as I have resumed working is that I am excellent at compartmentalizing my life. So when I am at work, I am there and not much else exists. When I am home, I am there and work does not exist. I am very appreciative of this skill now.
We have come up with a pretty good feeding schedule, well, schedule of who will do what night feeding. I do the ones the nights that I am at work that way Clementine can sleep and do the early morning one if Hester happens to wake then. I am happy doing it too. I treasure the quiet night feeding, holding Hester, and rocking her to sleep. I don't talk with her much for I am trying to reinforce that night is not a time to wake up and play. So we listen to some music and just look at each other while she eats. These times have become very special to me. Throughout the day today, when I had a moment free, I could feel Hester in my arms from the night before, the weight of her, the warmth of her and her soft blanket, the smell of her, and the sound of her soft coos. These thoughts bring such peace and joy to me.
As the end of my shift rolls around, I feel myself getting excited to come home and be with my family. There is a lightness that has settled into my heart since my little family grew to three. My focus has shifted to more domestic than ever before. This shift feels good to me.
I know that I am more likely to grow weary of my commute and want to find a job near home sooner now that Hester is here. I am OK with that too. So, while I am at work, I am really focused on getting the projects I wanted to accomplish finished and really enjoying the time I am there. I am not going to go anytime soon but within the next five years, I can see myself moving on.
So that is where I am. Hester is waking so I better go. Thanks for checking in on me.
03 April, 2007
27 March, 2007
Hats
I am juggling three hats these next few days. I am not sure how it will turn out. I hope I can just keep everything in the air and if I must, shed tears alone or with Clementine.
The first hat is that of motherhood. I have not blogged much in the past few weeks because 1) I am busy caring for Hester, and 2) I am awash with a multitude of feelings. I feel joy to be witnessing this little life. I feel lost as I struggle to find out who I am as a mother. I feel fear that I will resort to my parents' style of parenting. I feel happiness when I hug her. I feel panic when she screams in her colicky time. I feel tired from disturbed sleep. I cannot wait to hold her again. I miss my old life. I marvel at how Clementine and I work together nearly seamlessly to accomplish all that needs to be done. I love Clementine and Hester more and more each day. I want to go back to work. I never want to go back to work. I think I am doing pretty good being a mother.
The next hat is that of music therapist. Even on my maternity leave, that life creeps in. I had go to a meeting with my intern and her professor. I had to interview a prospective intern for next year. I worked on documents for work. I proofed a manuscript for publication. I discussed and worked on a submission for presenting at the next national conference. I am bummed that I did so much on this time off but then I love my profession and my work so much. I have to go to a music therapy conference tomorrow for three and a half days. Hester may come down to join me on Thursday evening. If not, she and Clementine will join me Friday. I feel horrible leaving them for this conference. I don't really want to go but must take a course and I am on the regional executive board so I guess I have to go. But Hester has only been home for three weeks. But I miss my work life. It has been my passion for so long. How do I balance these two hats?
I have a third hat that I cannot speak much about. There was a civil rights violation and I am doing something about it. Tomorrow, I have a big, important meeting about this. I am nervous. I have never done such a thing before. But my lawyer told me to walk proudly and be strong for I am "wearing the hat of justice." My lawyer rocks! But this hat of justice is heavy and I have carried it for years and will continue to carry it for an unknown amount of time. But it is far lighter than carrying the weight of second class citizenship.
Next week, I start up with work again. I am tremendously sad this time is coming to an end. That is when the juggling act will begin in earnest.
The first hat is that of motherhood. I have not blogged much in the past few weeks because 1) I am busy caring for Hester, and 2) I am awash with a multitude of feelings. I feel joy to be witnessing this little life. I feel lost as I struggle to find out who I am as a mother. I feel fear that I will resort to my parents' style of parenting. I feel happiness when I hug her. I feel panic when she screams in her colicky time. I feel tired from disturbed sleep. I cannot wait to hold her again. I miss my old life. I marvel at how Clementine and I work together nearly seamlessly to accomplish all that needs to be done. I love Clementine and Hester more and more each day. I want to go back to work. I never want to go back to work. I think I am doing pretty good being a mother.
The next hat is that of music therapist. Even on my maternity leave, that life creeps in. I had go to a meeting with my intern and her professor. I had to interview a prospective intern for next year. I worked on documents for work. I proofed a manuscript for publication. I discussed and worked on a submission for presenting at the next national conference. I am bummed that I did so much on this time off but then I love my profession and my work so much. I have to go to a music therapy conference tomorrow for three and a half days. Hester may come down to join me on Thursday evening. If not, she and Clementine will join me Friday. I feel horrible leaving them for this conference. I don't really want to go but must take a course and I am on the regional executive board so I guess I have to go. But Hester has only been home for three weeks. But I miss my work life. It has been my passion for so long. How do I balance these two hats?
I have a third hat that I cannot speak much about. There was a civil rights violation and I am doing something about it. Tomorrow, I have a big, important meeting about this. I am nervous. I have never done such a thing before. But my lawyer told me to walk proudly and be strong for I am "wearing the hat of justice." My lawyer rocks! But this hat of justice is heavy and I have carried it for years and will continue to carry it for an unknown amount of time. But it is far lighter than carrying the weight of second class citizenship.
Next week, I start up with work again. I am tremendously sad this time is coming to an end. That is when the juggling act will begin in earnest.
26 March, 2007
Sucess
We had our first successful outing this week. Hester and I went to the pediatrician and to the grocery store. She did poop and puke but I handled it gracefully and stayed calm. She did cry a bit at the store as I was loading up the groceries on the belt but we made it through. I got home and was calm and even smiling. And Hester did not pee on me.
23 February, 2007
Just one more snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze
No, no snooze for me. Come back one year!
Last night, I took the train up to see Hester. When I got there, she was sleeping so I pumped and waited for her to wake up. I got about as much as the last time. Again, the nurses were very kind and respectful of my wee little milk amount.
Clementine arrived and we waited for Hester to wake together. When she did, I got to feed her. I love holding her close and feeling her little warm body against my chest and arms. She was very calm; she ate her bottle and fell right back asleep. I knew Clementine would not be up tonight so I offered Hester to her to hold a while. It was wrenching to let go of her. I see her so little through the week. I just more time with her. But Clementine and I have wised up and no longer do we stay until 11:30 PM. She held Hester until she settled into a deep sleep and then we said our goodbyes. We were out of there by 9:30 PM and home around 10:45 PM. I skipped my final pump for an extra half hour of sleep.
This morning, I did not hit snooze despite aching to with all my being. I fed all the animals, let Clara out, pumped, got ready for work, picked out cloths for the weekend, and made it to the train on time. Wow! Even with 3-4 inches of snow on the ground. I used to struggle to get ready in an hour when all I had to do was feed the cats and shower. Now I am at work and trying to gear up for my 12 hour shift and some very intense cases.
When I stop being distracted by the pesky things of life, I know all this is worth while because I love Hester so much. She has completely transformed my life and being in ways I never thought of.
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