Diagnosis

So what a fun month of health care I have had. Here are the fun stuff i have had done in order of pleasantness.
1. Flu Shot
2. Pelvic Ultrasound
3. Pap smear
4. Endometrial Biopsy
5. Mammogram
It has been a super fun month.

So, the reason for the extra fun tests like the ultrasound and biopsy is that I am anemic and my periods are being irregular and very heavy. I have been checked for fibroids, put on iron supplements, and now had a biopsy done to check for pre-cancerous cells. It is highly unlikely that I have the pre-cancerous cells but more likely that I have Dysfunctional Menstrual Bleeding or DMB which I have renamed to DuMB. It seems like a cop-out diagnosis. But the increased bleeding is causing the anemia which needs to be fixed by reducing the bleeding. I have a few options on the table and have discussed them with my doctor, my gynecologist, and my wife. I will make my decision with the gynecologist once I hear the results of the biopsy. It has been a week today, the promised time in which I would hear. But, no news. I am not worried about having cancer but would really like the results so I could move on and leave all this behind. I am wicked cranky about it.

Also, mammogram, it was the worst and I do not look forward to repeating it ever again.

Dignity

I've had two medical appointments in less than a week and feel unsettled about the whole thing. Monday's appointment was my yearly physical. First, the johnny they gave me had a heart lead sticker stuck inside it with some one's hair stuck to that. Eeeww! So, I took it off and put the johnny on only to find that it did not even come close to fitting. It did not close, in fact, there was a good 3 - 4 inches of exposed flesh. So I covered up with the paper "blanket." So very undignified. I tried to go through the exam acting like none of that bothered me or made me feel wrong for being a person of size. But inside, I felt I was the wrong size, not the stupid johnny. It was not fun.

Today, I had my first mammogram. The woman seemed almost irked that I did not know how to stand or move my body. Her directions were vague like "turn in." When I asked her to clarify, she said never mind. She did not even direct me how to place my breast, MY BREAST, on the machine. Instead, she grabbed it and placed it there and moved it about. Did you know it isn't just your breast they squish the hell out of? No, it is your chest/shoulder muscle and that is the part that hurts. When I would close my eyes to try to go to some inner peace place, she would tell me "eyes open." I have no idea why. After 7 x-rays, I left the room with red marks all around each breast and feeling useless and stupid.

I am deeply unhappy that I felt like I was the wrong size at my physical, like the johnny was a not so subtle message from the nurse to loose weight. And I am deeply unhappy about the mammogram tech. One should not leave an appointment, especially one as important as screening for breast cancer, feeling useless and stupid. This has been a very bad week for health care experiences for me.

Sadly, I have at least one more undignified appointment coming up, a uterine ultrasound, both external and internal. I cannot wait to see how that one goes.

Bummer and Bonus

I got off work early Thursday and was so happy coming home on the train. I was going to get home during nap time. I could either a) nap on the couch, or b) watch episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Then when Hester woke up, we could go do something fun together. I noticed my glasses were more wonkey than usual. They have not been quite right since Hester yanked them off my face and threw them across the room a few months ago. Well, I was adjusting the arm back and suddenly, it came off in my hand. I could not believe they were broken. Things are a bit tight this month and we have other expenses we need to focus on. New glasses are not cheep, especially for my f'd up eyes.

Clementine was fantastic and reassured me. We talked about our budget and how we could afford new glasses. She reminded me of my FSA account and we called to get the balance on it. So I taped them up and off I went to Pearl Vision.


While I was there, I remembered I have vision insurance through work. I called the HR person and she told me the name of the plan and looked up my level of coverage which was really good. I was so happy, I almost started crying. Pearl vision did not take my insurance so I left.

Through the insurance website, I found a eye doctor not even a block from my work and made an appointment for Friday. They were all super nice and the eye doctor did all the usual tests. She dilated my eyes and gave me these lovely "sunglasses" to wear. Hot! Especially with the taped glasses. I had to wear them even inside for almost three hours after the appointment. Lights were that bright. My coworkers got a huge laugh at my sexy new look.


Anyway, my eyes are healthy. She checked my prescription and saw it needed a bit of a change. When she demonstrated the change, I could have kissed her. Distance has been wicked blurry for me for the past few years. Even with my last prescription, it was blurry. I had given up having clear distance vision, thinking my eyes were just too far gone. But no, when she put the additional lenses up to my glasses to demonstrate the new prescription, I could see ALL of the letters, even the wee little ones. God, it was great.

I also talked to her about having trouble with my reading lenses. She told me that for bifocals, they make them so reading distance is about 18 inches from your face. However, with my astigmatism, I probably read about 4-6 inches from my face, without my glasses which is exactly true. By moving the page further away, I could then read perfectly with my reading lenses. Again, I was so thrilled.

Let me just say, picking out frames is wicked hard when your eyes are all dilated and you are wincing at the slightest light and you cannot focus properly. The lady assisting me picked out these big chunky black and red Christian Dior frames. Ummm, no. I chose some cool new frames that are more sturdy than the last, which means no thin wire frames. I think you all will approve of the new look which Clara the dog will be debuting in 1 to 1 1/2 weeks. Remember the last debut?

It was a bummer that my glasses broke and that my afternoon plans were changed, but it was a huge bonus that my glasses total with cool new frames (originally 229 but under 90 with the insurance discount), lenses (20 plus 51 for anti-reflection and something more for super thin cause my eyes are that bad), and the $20 eye check-up, was $249. If you wear glasses, you know that is a KICK ASS price for non-hideous, non-80's, non-taupe glasses frames. I am thrilled!

Catch Up.

Clementine has been after me to post again. So here is my post of what I have been up to.

1. Our farm share started and both of us are trying to cook and eat all the veggies we get. They are delicious but definitely more than we usually have. Both of us are making conscious efforts to eat veggies we may not like a lot in order to model good eating behaviour to Hester as well as to not send all this food to the compost bin. Also, our garden is growing beautiful tomatoes.
   
   
2. We went to our town's 4th of July concert and fireworks display. As we ran around with Hester, I noticed that the program was exactly the same as two years ago but different from last year. We laughed at the possibility that they only have two programs of music that they rotate.



3. Clementine and Hester visited the in-laws in July. They were gone for 5 days but it felt much longer. Instead of moping around the house, I worked on remodeling this toy kitchen. I sanded it, replaced the hardware, painted it, and polyurethanes it. Not bad, eh?



4. When they returned, we went to Clementine's family reunion. Lots of visiting in a few days.
   
5. The weather has been lots of rain and thunderstorms which have curtailed our Mumzy-Hester day adventures. We did go to two zoos recently. Hester has learned to say emu, flamingo, and buffalo. Also, we saw this tiger swimming because it was so hot.


6. Hester had her 18 month blood work including the lead test (2!!) and a extra test for a condition she might have since birth but they could not test until now. She does not have it and Clem and I are breathing a big sigh/sob of relief. I did not know I was so worried about it. Also, someone is getting four teeth at the same time.



7. Hester has started exhibiting anxiety in the doctor's office. We purchased a doctor kit, I brought home some syringes, and we bought some going to the doctor books. We do lots of medical play to teach her about the different medical equipment, gain mastery over them, and allow her to play her experiences. It helped some but clearly we need to do more. Her doctor is cool with us stopping by to say hi between now and her 2 year appointment.



8. Also, 2 year appointment!!!! Halso!!!!!!!



9. We went to a spray pool with friends from our Queer Adoptive Parents group. It is so great to have friends. Hester loved playing in the pool. So did we cause it was so HOT!
10. Hester has started showing interest in the potty so we bought a book about it (Mr. Rogers) and she sits on the potty when she wants to throughout the day. It is just the beginning and we just want her to get comfortable with the idea of the potty.



11. We went to the wedding of a former intern. It was in Wellfleet (Cape Cod) and was so very beautiful. Hester was so taken with the bride and groom, she learned their names and called to them throughout the party. She also got to walk on the beach the first time. She loved the ocean and the sand.



12. At work, I hosted nine visitors from a music therapy program in Japan. We had a mini conference with the other music therapist I work with, a music therapist who works at a hospital near by, and I presenting on medical music therapy. It was really cool to meet them. They were so very appreciative and the professor had the students sing two songs to thank me. It was beautiful. The professor was so excited for my work and what I was saying, she wants me to come to present in Japan. That would be way cool. She also thought I should be teaching medical music therapy at a local university, where she got her Masters degree. She was going to talk to the head of the program there about me. OK, that would be way cool too.



13. I have nine subjects to go on one study I am working on. Oh, please, may it be done soon!!!!



14. I was asked to serve on a small (6 person) task force by the president of the American Music Therapy Association. We are to work on the research priority. I am a bit nervous about this as the other five members are professors, PhDs, and superstars in research. I have a MA, am a clinician, and have published only 2 research articles. I feel a bit out of my league on this one. Actually, I feel WAY out of my league. EEEEE!!!!



15. Work is very busy, intense, and stressful. I'll stop there so I don't write any horribly downer post about it.
    

So that is the past month. Kind of busy, I guess. Funny, now I see why I have not posted much. I will try to post more. OK Clementine?

RSV, a four letter word

RSV has reeked havoc in our lives here. First, Hester got it and ended up having to go to the ER on Valentine's Day because of retractions when she breathed. Luckily, she did not need to be admitted to the hospital and was better after being on oxygen blow by for a number of hours and her fever breaking. It was quite a nerve-wracking night for Clementine and I. We did sleep a wee bit by trading off who slept on the stretcher. But by 9 AM when the doctor discharged Hester, we were all exhausted and took the day off. (In actuality, those decisions were made many hours earlier and the proper people notified on time). Hester has made steady progress each day since then and now just has a wee little runny nose.

However, RSV set up camp in me Valentine's Day night. I started coughing and had that "Oh crap, I'm getting sick" feeling. It really came on over the weekend. Each night, I did not sleep with Clementine, for fear of keeping her up with my coughing. So I laid on the cough, coughing more than sleeping. I said, "This is good. The worst is now so I will be well for work Tuesday."

"Not so fast" replied RSV.

Tuesday, I went to work and coughed my fool head off. I tried to sing with my horse voice. I ended up doing a lot of work in the office. Wednesday, my cough was worse. I ate a whole package of cough drops in eight hours. Luckily, my intern was there and she did all the sessions. I just observed. Wednesday night's train ride home was a nightmare of coughing fits that went on for minutes at a time and happened every 2-5 minutes. I got so many dirty looks from fellow commuters. I could not blame them. I got home and cried for 5 minutes in the bathroom because I was so tired and felt like such crap. I decided if I did not sleep good that night, I would not go to work. And I didn't so I didn't. I went to the doctor who said I had a asthma like process going on in my lungs and that was why cough medicine was not helping. She gave me a steroid inhaler. Thursday night, I sort of slept but was so tired in the morning, I called in again. My boss, perhaps knowing the severity of my cough on Wednesday, had found coverage for my night shift, freeing me of any guilt driven need to go to work Friday. Thank you, Boss!

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I pretty much slept, drank fluids, knit, and read magazines. Did you know that all the parenting magazines, like Parents, Baby Talk, and American Baby (when did we start getting so many baby magazines?) have short pieces that are easy to attend to when you are wicked sick? I tried to read a book my brother gave me, Cloud Atlas, but could not get up to page 20 after four days.

Today, I woke up and did not fall into a huge coughing spasm. I only had maybe 6 throughout the entire day. The steroids are working. I have one more day off to rest and recuperate and I think Tuesday, I will be able to hit the ground running at work. Thank goodness.

RSV is not one of my favorite illnesses, not that one has a favorite illness.

Teeth

I just got home from my six month check up at the dentist. Guess who is in the no cavity club again? That would be me. Hurrah! But she recommended again, a guard for teeth clenching/grinding at night. Oh, how sexy that will be.

Right after, I stopped by the grocery store to get stuff for dinner tonight and for the upcoming week. Who bought lots of candy post dentist visit? That would be me. Hurrah! No cavities so let's celebrate with candy.

On a different note, we have a minor lady bug infestation in our home. Any suggestions?

OK, I am a little low on ideas right now.

Not So Fun

Do you know what is not so fun? Going to visit the in-laws and all the extended family on that side and getting the flu, throwing up outside a McDonald's, spending a fever filled night in a hotel also throwing up, and then driving six or seven hours to get home. Good times!

One funny thing that happened. I was sleeping and having those weird fever dreams and in it I heard, "The countdown begins. 10, 9" I woke up to feel my stomach getting very queasy. Despite being awake, I heard the countdown continue. "8, 7" I broke out into a cold sweat. I knew it was coming. "6, 5" I started heading to the bathroom. "4, 3, 2" I took off my glasses and assumed the position and guess what happened on cue on 0. Yup. It was so weird I sort of chuckled in my head. It made that vomiting episode a bit more fun. You gotta look on the bright side when worshiping the porcelain god.

Another funny thing, when I first was puking, Clementine and I had the same thought. That she would be holding my hair if I had enough hair to hold. She loves me that much. Ah, the joys of marriage. Thanks Clementine! I know you got my back. I love you.

Hello Again

Hey there bloggy friends.


Sorry I have been absent. I have been quite busy through the day at work and then when I am home, I really only want to focus on Hester and Clementine. But I have missed blogging. I do read your blogs a few times a week. However, I have moved to lurker status by not commenting.

So I wanted to tell you a crazy thing that just happened. I was telling Clementine about this annoying OT at work. She was lying in bed and I was standing at the doorway with my hand on the bathroom doorway. All of a sudden, I felt this strong tap tap on my fingers. Frightened, I pulled my hand away and turned in horror, thinking someone was hiding in our bathroom, tapping my hand. I looked in, only to see little miss Josephine. Clementine laughed so hard, she nearly wet herself.

My daily life with Hester and Clementine has been wonderful as always. We have been taking small and large trips here and there with her. Every day with her is a gift. As is every day with Clementine. My life is so very blessed by both of them.

Here we are at a farm.

Here we are at a museum.

Here we are at a family reunion.

Here we are at the zoo.

Work has been good and hard. It is good to be more focused there. I feel like I am really there, present, and making a difference in some kids lives. There is the usual personality differences like the annoying OT from earlier but it is all manageable. I still struggle to find my professional identity post-baby. Before Hester, I had a razor sharp focus at work. Work was my life. Home was very important but I really worked hard to get to where I was for my career. I wrote articles, wrote research proposals, wrote grant proposals at home in my spare time. The moment I saw Hester's head, my life and focus changed to family. Work is still very important and the work I do is very compelling. I love it. But I love my family more. Who am I now as a music therapist that work, my clients, my career, music therapy is not my life? I am not sure. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and expect one day I will wake up one morning and know.

Work has been hard too. There was a girl from Latin America who when I last sang to her, I knew that day it was the last time that I would ever see her. That evening, she was transferred to the PICU at another hospital where she passed away. It is amazing that a little girl who never woke up reached out and touched my heart. Her passing is a sadness that stays with me as I see her sister and grandmother daily. Her death was pointless and an outcome of violence from a family member. This is one of the hardest part of my job, knowing the evil that lurks within the heart of human beings.

At the same time, I have seen how simple kindnesses from me have touched deeply the hearts of two other patients. A sympathetic ear, a kind smile, singing a favorite song, holding some one's hand when they are scared, rubbing some one's back as they cry, these things do more than we ever know. It is an honor to be with these children as they recover and rebuild their lives.

A fun story of professional activities to follow all that is needed. So I belong to the MT listserv, which is so incredibly annoying and asinine at times. Some people say things that make me wonder what they studied in school, how they ever got a therapy job, and fear for the future of my profession. One of those times came recently. I was so flabbergasted by what someone was saying that I had to confront it directly. Just so you know, I did not swear, say wicked, or threaten violence. I used I statements and not even my favorite one "I feel you are a jerk." I was polite, saying perhaps we had different ways of practicing. But I effectively shut her up from saying any more untherapeutic things. I also appeared to stopped all threads on the listserv for a few days, except for various job postings. It was excellent!

I fit in shorts I did not fit into at the beginning of the summer. I also went down one scrub size.

My hair is finally cut and I do not look like a muffin.

Mitt Romney is a jerk, comparing serving in the military in Iraq or Afghanistan to working on his campaign. Please God, do not let him be elected president!

Also, Carl Rove is leaving! Oh happy day!! Bush is truly a lame duck now. Kick him while he is down, Nancy Pelosi!!

Oh, when passing out packets of sunscreen at a local outdoor concert as an awareness campaign for the hospital, the park rangers came to us and told us we could not pass out that at a family event. We were dumbfounded. Sunscreen is not family friendly??? But then we noted the size of the packets were the same as that of condoms. We laughed and told the rangers what it was and that we were from a children's hospital.

It is late and I gotta work tomorrow. thanks for coming by to check on me. I will try to post regularly. If you don't hear from me, I am probably busy but lurking around your blog.

Food Poisening Vs. Norwalk Virus

What ever she had, Clementine was sick from Midnight until 8 AM, and I mean really REALLY SICK. She is feeling somewhat better now (no puking or diarrhea) and back to her normal color. One glass of Gatorade has stayed down so far. Cross your fingers and knock some wood for her.

Virus, My Ass

So, one reason I have not blogged for a while is that I have been sick as a dog. I first came down with this bug the day before Thanksgiving (November something-er-other). I waited to go to the doctor 1) because I go in a week or two into it and they say "It is just a virus," take your copay, and send you home with nothing to make you better. Thanks for nothing. Oh, and 2) because I was traveling a bunch, and 3) it's the holiday season.

I was feeling pretty crappy when I returned from the in-laws and went back to work so I broke down and called our doctor for an appointment. She was on vacation and not back until today. So I made an appointment for today (a week in advance), opting to not go to the quacks who share her practice sooner. (One quack there prescribed turnip soup for Clementine when she had CELLULITIS in her nose! Oh lest you think otherwise, these are real MD's who practice in the Massachusetts General Hospital system!)

I started feeling a lot worse on Saturday and Clementine called her Dadoo for advice. He suggested going to the walk in clinic and Musinex. Have you ever taken Musinex? That shit is crazy. I like blew my nose so many times in 12 hours, I went through a box of Kleenex, I think. My sinus headache left around hour 6 of the massive phlem flow.

Sunday, I went to the walk in clinic at MGH. The doctor there said, after I explained that I had been sick for so long and it was getting worse and how lethargic I am and how I pulled muscles in my chest by coughing, "it is a virus. You just need to rest and let it run it's course."

Are you fucking kidding me? Six weeks plus of sick and it is still only a fricking "virus?" I work at a hospital where they are always taking cultures of germs kids have and I have never heard on rounds that "it is a virus." I think the virus thing is a fricking cop-out. Now I know they are trying to not prescribe antibiotics so much any more to avoid the resistant strains of bacteria. That is cool but HELLO LADY, I HAVE BEEN SICK SINCE THANKSGIVING!!!!!!

Anyway, I discussed my points with her and she made me blow my nose and show it to her. Of course, I was all filled with musinex, decongestant, etc so there was not a lot there. She evaluated it and said I was not that sick. I felt so belittled and like I was not a reliable reporter as I talked to her. It made me really angry. I told her that it was over six weeks and it was going into my chest again and affecting my work. I have to sing for my living, hello, colds are my enemy! She finally caved and gave me the azythromyacin 5 day Kick Ass pack.

I did feel better but kept my appointment with my doctor today. It was great to see my doctor. She is so nice and she totally believed me and prescribed me 2 cough medications (codeine at night, some pill at day) and Flonaise for my nose. Thanks Doctor! Not really for the bag of meds but for listening and believing. And she did not use the V word!

Crying Over Shattered Deodorant

I am a wee bit stressed out lately. So many big things are happening all at once and this Saturday, I lost it. Let me tell you about it all.

1. Over the last ten days, our lives have changed dramatically. We are in the consideration of the birth parents for this child to be born early February. We are the only parents being considered and we will hear in the next few days if they want to meet us. If it works out, we have to get the funds together in very little time and prepare for the baby. We have done so much but I worry that there is so much left to do.
2. Thursday, I fly out to visit Snapdragon and see him graduate with his pre-med degree. I also get to visit my dear friend Chica, Psycho Kitty, and Rae. The down side is that I will be seeing my parents. I so do not want to see them or talk with them about the adoption. They are so very unpleasant. So that part of the trip is wicked stressful.
3. I had two moles removed about a month ago. Two weeks ago, I got a call from the doctors office saying that they "could not rule out cancer" in one of the moles and they needed to "shave the site down." It was clear that I was talking to the secretary and she did not have any good answers about what "could not rule out cancer" meant. I plan to find out tomorrow. Deep down in my brain, I have a very strong belief that it is not that serious. But my god, hearing the C word in relation to your body is quite frightening. This one tipped the scales over to the side of crazy Saturday.
4. Also, over the past two weeks , I had one abstract for a conference turned down as well as a manuscript for a journal. I have had maybe two rejections of conference abstracts EVER in my career, and I present a lot. My other three manuscripts were accepted for publication with minor changes. This one, one of the reviewers seemed to have it out for me. I revised that damn thing four times for her. My rejection letter contained the comments from both reviewers. The evil one had five things she did not like, things like arguing that it is not actually a pilot study. The other reviewer said it was ready to publish. This is my first manuscript to be rejected. I know it is all part of the process but I feel like I have lost my golden touch. I realize this may seem rather petty or dumb in relation to the other things like adoption and mole cancer worry, but these goals have a very important meaning to me.
5. Christmas is coming and that is always a stressful time. I don't feel at home with my in-laws. Now don't get me wrong, they are super nice and caring. It just is so very different from what I grew up with. I miss my family a lot during the holidays but know what I miss does not exist anymore. I love Peaches and my private celebration of Christmas. That is so wonderful. The spirit of the holiday lives in that wonderful evening each year. There is no complaining about gifts, yelling that someone ruined the green beans, fear that someone will not like a gift and berate you, or being left out or passed over because I am gay.
6. We were planning a party and we needed to clean the house, cook the cookies, make the other food, and get ready.
7. Oh, my period started that day and I was severely PMS-ing with the erratic moods.
8. My cold from THANKSGIVING is still around and getting worse.

So, I was so crazed that I picked stupid fights with Peaches. I tried to rein it in but it kept busting through. Finally, I was getting ready and reached for my crystal rock deodorant. It fell into the sink, slid across the bowl of the sink and did an Evil Kenevil jump over the counter onto the trash can lid where it shattered into a zillion shards of odor killing sharpness. I stared at it and started sobbing. It was immensely stupid to cry over my deodorant but then that really was not what I was crying over, now was it.

Today is day two of my period so the irrational, hormone influenced emotions are gone. I have apologized to Peaches and together we processed "like good social workers" the whole fight picking incidents. She is a wonderful woman and I know I am very lucky to have her love.

The cookie party went well. Our many wonderful friends we had not seen in a while came and it was just so nice to sit in the room with loving friends. We saw a few more this morning for breakfast. Everyone is so supportive of the adoption, asking about it, offering help, expressing excitement at the prospects of this baby.

Tomorrow, I find out about the mole. I'll let you all know.

I got my plans on how to deal with my parents. Chica and Psycho Kitty are coming to Snapdragon's graduation so that will help buffer the parents. My therapist helped me rehearse what to say to set limits. It will be ok. It is just scary when you only have seen them twice in six years and both times sent you to therapy afterwards.

As for the manuscript, I have another journal picked out and just need to work on undoing the stupid edits of the evil reviewer.

I am going to Price Chopper tomorrow to buy another crystal deodorant.