Questions Answered

A while ago, Abigail asked "Do you still enjoy work? Or is it just something to get through so you can be with your loved ones again?"

I have been thinking a lot about how parenthood has affected me at work. There are so many shifts, some subtle and some not so subtle. I have taken some time to sort through it all. I don't have a definitive answer but I will do my best.

Do I still enjoy work? Yes, I do. I have always LOVED my job. That hospital is the BOMB! Most of my coworkers are friendly and kind. The work is compelling. The patients and their families are really wonderful people. The opportunities for and support of music therapy research is there. I have an internship program up and running. The priorities toward providing the children with the best possible health care with no expense spared makes the place amazing. So, I still love my work.

I do find that my energy level at work has changed. My focus is not quite as intense as it was before January. I work hard but not as hard as I used to. Emotional situations are harder for me to be open to. When a parent cried the other day as her child fell asleep in the OR, I opened myself to empathizing by imagining Hester in the woman's child's place. I was immediately flooded with so much sadness and worry. I had to shut down my thoughts of Hester in order to continue to support the parent as we left the OR.

I find it is harder to be present with patients during painful procedures. I need to compartmentalize my home life far from my work life. This is a skill I already had but am employing it even more now. However, I feel like I am too closed off to really connect to my patients like I was before Hester's birth. I am not sure if it is that I am protecting myself or that I am so tired that I don't have the energy to be fully present during intense painful experiences. It is not that I am doing horribly at work. The shift is minor and I don't think my coworkers even notice. But I see it. I am not sure if these changes are permanent or just for now.

Is work something I just do to get through the day until I can go home to my loved ones? Kind of. Before Hester, MT was my life and my job and career were tightly married. Since Hester, I am still dedicated to my career. I just have new priorities that supersede MT. And I don't mind it at all. I am still very dedicated to continuing to do research, to find better ways to treat my clients, to serve on the regional and national levels, and my practice. But little Hester and my family (Clementine and Hester and I) are more important. I no longer see my job and career as one in the same. My job right now is a ways to attain my career goals but not the end all be all. I can see myself working else where in a few years. Maybe a small community hospital, maybe a private practice focusing on pain and wellness, maybe even working at a fancy spa. Who knows? But I do not have to keep at my current job until retirement anymore. I am willing to make sacrifices of the fabulousness of my current hospital for more time with my family.

Did that answer your questions?

Sweet Dreams

Last night, Hester woke up as I tried to transfer her to her crib. We still needed to call Hester's first mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. So I gave her a bottle while Clementine called Hester's first mother. As they spoke, Hester finished eating. We sat there together listening to Clementine talk. Hester just gazed up at my face and slowly drifted off to sleep. It reminded me so much of the second night of Hester's life. On that night, she woke up for the first time and gazed into my eyes. At that moment, I knew I was Hester's mother deep in my heart. It seemed a fitting end to my first Mother's Day to relive that moment as well as reconnect with Hester's first mother.

Then

Now

New Shoes

We went to the New Balance Factory Outlet

and

someone tried on some running shoes for the first time!

Mother's Day Note

Hello Mom
I just wanted to take a moment to wish you a happy Mother's Day. Not a day has gone by since Hester was born that I do not think about you. I especially think about just how much I love Hester and how you must feel that same way for each of your children. I hope you have had a wonderful day.
Love,
Hashbrown, Clementine, and Hester

Tagging

OK. From the past post about five things you did not know about me, I will tag JPP, Abigail, Clementine, Canada, and Psycho Kitty.

Five things for Friday

OK, so Muse tagged me. Here are five things you may not know about me.
1. I feel like snuggling more when the sheets are just washed.
2. I own 4 guitars, 3 saxophones (alto, tenor, and bari), 2 harmonicas, and 1 sitar.
3. Despite being a news junkie (listening to NPR, watching the evening news, watching Meet the Press, reading Huffington Post), I only read the funnies in the Sunday paper.
4. I like to paint my toe nails. But not red or pink because that makes me think of my mother's toe nails.
5. Despite being a vegetarian, I DO NOT LIKE eggplant or orange squashes.

The cutest cheeks in town

Mumzy Hester Day

I love my Monday outings with Hester. We went shopping for Clementine's birthday this week. It was awesome. We found a great deal on . . . Oh, no, Clementine! No peaking!

Last week, I pulled a new parent forgetful moment. I packed up everything I could think of in my diaper bag for the afternoon of errands. We got to the mall and Hester started to cry. So I headed to Starbucks, got a drink and lunch, and sat down to feed her. I had her bottle with the water measured out but had forgotten to put the container of formula powder into my bag. So we booked it out of the mall and drove to Target. There, I bought more formula (and some $.99 onesies on sale!! Go big C). We then drove to another Starbucks where she enjoyed a soy formula and I had another drink.

This week's outing was much calmer and more organized. I did not forget anything. We strolled the mall and shopped until Hester was hungry. So we went to Starbucks. We did have a great time dancing to "Day-o" and laughing at the Starbucks. Yes, I go to Starbucks a lot with her but it is not for the drinks. Here are my reasons for going there.
1. They let you sit there as long as you want.
2. They have clean bathrooms.
3. They have changing tables in the bathrooms.
4. They are pleasant and have nice chairs.
5. They often play good music which makes slow feedings much more enjoyable for Mumzy!
6. OK, I'll admitt it, I like the drinks there.

I cannot wait for next weeks adventure! I don't know what it is yet. Hey Hester, do you have any good ideas?

Thoughts about Parents

My parents continue to email me after receiving the photo greeting cards we make of Hester (we have been doing on each major holiday). They even sent a stuffed lamb for Easter to Hester. I am surprised that everyone was right that they may be in contact more when I had a child. I am happy, mostly, with the tentative nature of our interactions. I wonder if this is the start of re-establishing our relationship or not.

When I hold Hester, my mind wanders to thinking about how my parents held me. I think a lot about my mother. I think about how much I love Hester and how my mother must have felt the same way when holding me. I think about how I never want to be estranged from Hester and how much it must hurt my mother to be estranged from me. I wonder about her choices in regards to me, especially the choice to cling to religions that say being queer is bad. I know God and religions are powerful forces in her life but each time I look at Hester, each time I hold her, each time I see her I feel the presence of God with each of us and in the love we have for each other. I wish my mother and father could get beyond what man says God believes and could see that God made me in His image as much as he made them in His image. I wish they could see God in Hester, Clementine, and themselves. I am not so angry with them anymore. I am more surprised that something made by men, religion, could come between the love a parent has for their child.

Finally, a moment to blog

Things have been so busy lately. Having a little baby at home really limits how much I am able to do in my time home. Especially since I jump at any chance to take care of her since I am away from her so much when I am working.

So the first week at work was good but it got much worse after that. During my second week at work, the census at work was down and there was more time to think about home than usual. I ached in my heart to be away from Hester. I counted the moments to the end of my shift. I stared at pictures of Hester. I tried not to cry. Since that week, each week seems a little bit better. But even now, as I think about being at work all day and into the night tomorrow, I feel the tears rise.

Work is picking up and some new children have arrived that look to be interesting and challenging to work with. That is good for I will have less time to think about where I wish I was.

Smile!

It is all Okey Dokey

Except I don't have much free time to blog, knit, or answer emails.

So being back to work has been OK, good even. I am actually happy to be at work but still so very happy to be a parent. I do love my job and the time away and the changes in me since Hester was born have made me really get back to what I love about it. I am recharged and focused while I am there. I have a different perspective that I am not sure I can quite sum up yet. It helps so much that work is such a nice community of people who all know each other's business. Everyone asks about Hester and asks me how I am doing being back. I get the usual question about how much she is sleeping. It is really nice to work with such a nice group of people. Also, the patients are so very compelling and amazing. I really enjoy working with them and seeing them grow, heal, and smile.

I think one thing working in my benefit as I have resumed working is that I am excellent at compartmentalizing my life. So when I am at work, I am there and not much else exists. When I am home, I am there and work does not exist. I am very appreciative of this skill now.

We have come up with a pretty good feeding schedule, well, schedule of who will do what night feeding. I do the ones the nights that I am at work that way Clementine can sleep and do the early morning one if Hester happens to wake then. I am happy doing it too. I treasure the quiet night feeding, holding Hester, and rocking her to sleep. I don't talk with her much for I am trying to reinforce that night is not a time to wake up and play. So we listen to some music and just look at each other while she eats. These times have become very special to me. Throughout the day today, when I had a moment free, I could feel Hester in my arms from the night before, the weight of her, the warmth of her and her soft blanket, the smell of her, and the sound of her soft coos. These thoughts bring such peace and joy to me.

As the end of my shift rolls around, I feel myself getting excited to come home and be with my family. There is a lightness that has settled into my heart since my little family grew to three. My focus has shifted to more domestic than ever before. This shift feels good to me.

I know that I am more likely to grow weary of my commute and want to find a job near home sooner now that Hester is here. I am OK with that too. So, while I am at work, I am really focused on getting the projects I wanted to accomplish finished and really enjoying the time I am there. I am not going to go anytime soon but within the next five years, I can see myself moving on.

So that is where I am. Hester is waking so I better go. Thanks for checking in on me.

Already?

It is my first day back to work. Wish me luck!

Gone?

I stopped the domperidone last week for it had been six weeks and that is as long as my doctor said I could take it. It is a medication that stimulates lactation. Up to that point, I was making an ounce a day and was pretty happy about it. But my milk quickly diminished to mere droplets within a week. I am so sad that it may be ending. I liked making milk for Hester. I really worked hard to embrace it and move through my emotional shit to get to a good place about breasts, babies, and milk. And I did it. But now, it seems like it is gone and I am done. I have been too sad to pump the last two days. However, I still get droplets after showers. I am still taking the herbal cocktail, yummo. Yesterday, I called the lactation consultants at Hester's hospital to see what they had to say. When Hester was discharged, they said to call if I had any questions or concerns. I have not heard back from them. I hope there is something more I can do but if not, I guess it will be over. It went by to quickly.

Hats

I am juggling three hats these next few days. I am not sure how it will turn out. I hope I can just keep everything in the air and if I must, shed tears alone or with Clementine.

The first hat is that of motherhood. I have not blogged much in the past few weeks because 1) I am busy caring for Hester, and 2) I am awash with a multitude of feelings. I feel joy to be witnessing this little life. I feel lost as I struggle to find out who I am as a mother. I feel fear that I will resort to my parents' style of parenting. I feel happiness when I hug her. I feel panic when she screams in her colicky time. I feel tired from disturbed sleep. I cannot wait to hold her again. I miss my old life. I marvel at how Clementine and I work together nearly seamlessly to accomplish all that needs to be done. I love Clementine and Hester more and more each day. I want to go back to work. I never want to go back to work. I think I am doing pretty good being a mother.

The next hat is that of music therapist. Even on my maternity leave, that life creeps in. I had go to a meeting with my intern and her professor. I had to interview a prospective intern for next year. I worked on documents for work. I proofed a manuscript for publication. I discussed and worked on a submission for presenting at the next national conference. I am bummed that I did so much on this time off but then I love my profession and my work so much. I have to go to a music therapy conference tomorrow for three and a half days. Hester may come down to join me on Thursday evening. If not, she and Clementine will join me Friday. I feel horrible leaving them for this conference. I don't really want to go but must take a course and I am on the regional executive board so I guess I have to go. But Hester has only been home for three weeks. But I miss my work life. It has been my passion for so long. How do I balance these two hats?

I have a third hat that I cannot speak much about. There was a civil rights violation and I am doing something about it. Tomorrow, I have a big, important meeting about this. I am nervous. I have never done such a thing before. But my lawyer told me to walk proudly and be strong for I am "wearing the hat of justice." My lawyer rocks! But this hat of justice is heavy and I have carried it for years and will continue to carry it for an unknown amount of time. But it is far lighter than carrying the weight of second class citizenship.

Next week, I start up with work again. I am tremendously sad this time is coming to an end. That is when the juggling act will begin in earnest.

Sucess

We had our first successful outing this week. Hester and I went to the pediatrician and to the grocery store. She did poop and puke but I handled it gracefully and stayed calm. She did cry a bit at the store as I was loading up the groceries on the belt but we made it through. I got home and was calm and even smiling. And Hester did not pee on me.

Why?

Why do they put pockets and belt loops on baby cloths?

Conversation One Week Ago

During pumping late at night on the last night at the hospital.

Hashbrown: Clementine! Clementine! I am squirting like a cow.

Clementine (laughing): You did not just say that! (Pause) Let me see!

Family Fun

While I am blogging about my parents response, let me share with you my sister's response to Hester coming home.

Great news! I wish you all the best.

Sister

I am pissed off at her. I mean, come on, this is her niece who just got out of the hospital. And I am her only sister who just became a mother. I simultaneously want to rip her a new a-hole and write her off even more. I know there are many factors at play:

1. She always wanted to be a mother but is not and is jealous.
2. She cursed me to have only puppies and kittens instead of children.
3. Perhaps she has issues still about adoption.
4. She certainly has major issues about homosexuality.
5. She and I have a huge rift that may be insurmountable.
6. She is very shut down.

Ah, who the fuck knows. They all need therapy.

Progress?

The day we brought Hester home, I received this email from my parents. Talk about timing.

Dear Hashbrown & Clementine,

Thank you for the announcement, thank you note, and letter with the pictures of Hester. We certainly appreciate you taking a picture of her in the outfit we sent. We thought she looked cute in it. She seems to be very alert with those big bright eyes. She probably does not miss a trick. That is really good.

You will be very busy and your life will be very full. It is a really good thing that Hester will have a home where she will be safe and loved.

Aunt Tater and Uncle Spud are visiting and we showed them the pictures and announcement. Aunt Tater asked about Hester's names and we were not able to tell her about them. They will be here for a month so maybe you could email us the origin of the names and we can share the information with them. They think she is a cute baby, also.

Love to all,
Dad and Mom

I don't know if it is a good sign or not. I don't want to get my heart all hopeful again that they will be nice and a part of my life. Especially now when I miss them so very much. There are so many things I want to share with them about being a parent. I wish they called all the time like Clementine's parents do. I wish they were planning to come up and meet Hester as Clementine's parents are.

What do you think? Is this letter progress?