dilemna

Tonight, we interview a babysitter. I am not thrilled about it. We need one but I don't want to leave Hester with anyone. Just look at us so far, she is a year old and she has been babysat four times, twice by Clementine's parents, and the other two times by close friends. Clearly, neither of us are thrilled by the prosepect.

But, timing for conferences overlapped. My regular spring conference is the same date as an adoption conference that Clementine wants to go to. I would just come home and skip that day but I have to present and I am on the board and we have a meeting that afternoon. Clementine has talked about going to this conference for a year plus. I feel horrible when she says that my work superseeds her adoption needs. That is not right. But I have obligations. I am seriously considering not running for office again to avoid this. Family comes first, right?

Beyond all this crap and the ususal frets of a first time parent leaving their kid with a babysitter, I have other baggage that is seriously muddying my thoughts. You may remmeber that I am a survivor but you may not know that it was a babysitter that molested me. My mother and I talked about this once, while she believed me. She told me that the woman (yes, it was a woman who molested me) came with good references and was very kind. She was very loving toward me and said I was her special one. My parents were releived to have a kind older lady to watch thier kids so they could go do things. And now, Clementine and I need someone to watch Hester, but I freeze inside thinking that I could put my daughter, my heart, in the care of someone who could hurt her as I was hurt. Nothing in this world is more important than keeping her safe.
But then I look at my wife who makes a living caring for other people's children. She loves each of them and does a wonderful job with them. We could maybe find someone like her to care for Hester. But how do you know?

We went to hear Eve Ensler speak the other day, which was great. But parts of the lecture was hard for me to hear. I was holding Hester and listening to her discuss abuses women and children endure. I found myself holding Hester tighter to my breast as I listened. How does one protect their girl child through childhood. I don't want her to be the 1 in 3 girls who are violated. I don't want to have history be recreated.

So we are interviewing some dude tonight about child care. I am not sold on him at all. Partly, because he is a man. Weird since I was molested by a women. But the majority of offenders are men. I just don't feel ready for this. I just want Hester to be safe.