Baptism and Support

We have set a date for Hester's Baptism, Oct. 7. She will be baptized by the priest who married us, in the church we were married in, and on the date of our 6th wedding anniversary. Pretty sweet, huh?

As Clementine discussed all her family that will be coming to Hester's baptism, I became more and more anti-family and grumpy. I did not want to spend so much time with family. It was not until much later that I realized that I sincerely doubt any of my family will be attending the baptism. That just ain't right.

You see, recently I spoke with Clementine about how I have built a family of choice out of my friends who are very special to me. I have worked so hard to cultivate and maintain these relationships. But when I sit down and really look at these relationships, I know I need them more than they need me. They have families who care about them. They don't NEED a family like I do. I know that when push comes to shove, I am ultimately alone, except for Clementine.

Then, a good friend who lives in Ohio called me and proved me wrong. She told me she was looking into coming out for the Baptism. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I told her how much it meant t me that she was going to try to come out. I told her that probably none of my family would be there. That doubled her desire to be there with us to celebrate Hester's big day.

Boston Pride

This year, there is no snap report on Boston Pride. Sorry, I spent the day bummed about family issues. I felt like I was missing so much of Hester's life because of work. Two days a week, at least, I don't even see her awake unless there is a midnight feeding. And that is only change her diaper, feed her, watch her fall asleep within the first 5 minutes of her bottle, and put her back to bed when she finishes eating.

By Monday morning, my funky mood was still around and quite sour. Poor Clementine had to witness it all and bear the weight of my sadness. As I weeded the garden Monday afternoon, I thought about all the time I wasted feeling upset that I don't have much time with Hester. I thought about how much my crappy mood took away from my time with my daughter. I decided that all I can do beyond quit my job (which cannot happen for a very long time) is to accept things as they are, focus on the positives, and enjoy my time with my daughter and wife. Wish me luck.

Oh Brother

My brother, Snapdragon, has always had my back. He has been unceasingly my greatest ally in my family since I came out as a lesbian and as a survivor. As children, we were inseparable. People thought we were twins all the time. I secretly wished we were twins. He had so many traits I valued like his strength to withstand anything, his compassion, and his desire to learn more. Our close relationship has continued into our adulthood He means so much to me.

As Hester’s birth came closer, Snapdragon spoke of coming up to visit when she comes home to help us out around the house and to meet his niece. I was so touched that he wanted to come and be with us and share in our new family. But as the events of her birth and long hospitalization unfolded, his trip was postponed for the spring. I was cool with that.

However, those plans changed. Snapdragon called me and told me it would be in the summer. They have a friend in Mexico who had a child a year ago with whom they want to visit. Their reason for changing things up was that part of Mexico is very hot in the summer, hence going in the spring. They were going to come out when both he and his wife were on summer break.

The next time we discussed his trip to meet Hester; the date was changed to September. He and his wife had made plans to go to France to visit our sister. This is my sister who has been quite horrible to me. And it turns out that my other brother and parents will also be in France when Snapdragon and his wife are there.

The latest conversations about their visit have been punctuated with comments about how much all their travel has cost this year. He ponders aloud to me how they will be able to afford the trip to visit us after paying for France.

I am so hurt that the trip has been changed from January to spring to June to September. I feel like meeting his niece has taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I feel like I have taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I am pissed off that he changed the date of the trip here to see our sister. Or maybe it is all of this and more.

I want to tell him how I feel about the changes in the date to come visit us and meet Hester. But I worry that if I criticize I could loose the only family member who is supportive of me. I am sure these worries are just in my head. But am I brave enough to say anything?

There I go again

About two months ago, I received an email from my sister, stating she thought we were getting closer. This was news to me, specially that she continues to call my daughter by the wrong name, never acknowledged my marriage, and never apologized for very inappropriate behavior in our early adulthood (directed at me). I emailed her back, pointing each of these points out to her. Since then, I have not heard so much a s a peep from her. So much for closeness. There I go again, smashing her fictional constructs of her family members. Bad Hashbrown! Shame on me for living in the truth.

Perfect Night

Tonight, I brought Hester upstairs to her room to get her settled. As she is getting older now, 5 months, I think it is time to start getting her in a routine at night and a semi-regular bedtime. So first, I changed her diaper and put her in her sleeper. She is so funny. The second you start taking off her cloths to change her diaper or her cloths, she starts smiling. The girl loves to be naked. After that, we settled into the rocking chair and read a few books, "Tell Me Again About the Day I was Born," and "Madeline." She got a bit frustrated and tried to eat the books but I did not let her. We shifted positions a few times to make her happier and I started to sing to her. I sang "Always," "Down in the Valley," "De Colores," "Twinkle Twinkle," and a few others. Right after I started singing, she calmed down and looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes. She stared at me as I sang to her until she turned her head away, shut her eyes, and promptly fell asleep. It was a wonderful ending to a great day together.

Bad Week

This week is rough, filled with lots of feeling bad. After five action packed days with my in-laws, I returned to work. Tuesday is one of my 12 hour work days where I am gone from the house for 16 hours. In the late afternoon, as I was returning to the hospital after a coffee run, I got a call from Clementine that Hester was running a low fever. I felt so bad that I was enjoying a coffee from Starbucks while my baby is sick and Clementine is taking care of her and all the other children in her child care. I felt that my place was not work but to be home with our child, making her feel better. That night, when I got home, Hester and Clementine were already in bed. It is common for me not to even see our daughter awake on my long days.

Wednesday morning, I saw Hester for her 4 AM feeding and then got ready to go to work again. That evening, we were to have haircuts. After work, I had a bit of time between work and the appointment so I went to Porter Square to buy some yarn for projects for pregnant coworkers. I was having such a nice relaxing time looking at yarn, listening to my Zen on the T, and walking around the city. I called Clementine to get an ETA on her arrival and heard Hester’s loud cry and Clementine’s harried voice. A nightmare of screaming and puking was taking place on the MassPike. For a summary of that nightmare, read here. I felt so bad and guilty that I was having such a nice relaxing time and they were having an awful time. I went to the Starbucks near our hairdresser and awaited Clementine and Hester’s arrival. I felt like I should be in the car, caring for Hester, helping Clementine out but instead I was sitting there, drinking tea, and knitting. After our haircuts, Hester cried and puked for much of the trip home. I tried as hard as I could to soothe her, singing, holding her hand, stroking her head, and talking to her but nothing worked. She finally fell asleep. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world for wanting to get a hair cut when it clearly was too much for my baby, putting my vanity in front of my child’s needs. At the same time, I felt so frustrated that I cannot even get a simple good haircut since becoming a mother. It was horrible.

Hester slept though the night but woke up before I left for work Thursday. I left for work with Clementine crying, frustrated that Hester ate only 1 ounce of formula and then proceeded to play with her toes, refusing to eat more. Through the day, I tried to call a bunch to offer Clementine what support I could from afar. She told me how Hester was still not eating much and that the other kids were having a difficult time getting along. She sounded so harried and upset. Meanwhile, I am in the air conditioned hospital away from all that drama, having a pretty mellow day. I was dying to get home and see my child awake and happy. I wanted to listen to my wife in person and give her the support she needs. But the train was messed up and delivered us an hour late home. By then, Hester was asleep for the night and I was overwrought with guilt and feelings of being a bad mother for never being home with my child when she needed me or home with my wife when she needed me. I ended up crying and dumping all this plus family crap and work crap all over Clementine. So much for being supportive.

At 2 AM, Hester woke up for a bottle. I got up even though Clementine had offered to do my night after my crying fit. I do savor the moments with Hester. She smiled her big gummy grin as I changed her diaper. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms as I fed her the bottle. I put her down and went to bed again, got up at 5 and went to work for another long day. When I get home tonight, Hester, and maybe Clementine, will be asleep. I miss my daughter and my wife. I wish I could do a better job at balancing all this and being a good mother.