Poor Clementine

Clementine wrote this blog about me today. However, I feel for her today. She had a baby wake up at nap time and cry so much, he woke up the rest of the group, many of whom cried. She is having the worse day.

Vacation

So, today we leave for a weeks vacation at the beach. Hester says beach like "bitch" which is endless fun for my addled brain.

A funny note, our scooba, Mr. Belvedere, stopped working. He was still under warenty so we sent him back to be replaced. Hester was disturbed that he was not here and asks about him all the time. So we started saying he was on vacation visiting his "family."

I will try to post while we are away but do not know the avaliability of internet.

Mystic Aquarium

Hester, Clementine and I went on our Mystical Fish Adventure last weekend and had a wonderful time. The adventure was a trip to Mystic, CT. There we went to the Mystic Aquarium (fun), Mystic Pizza (yum), toodling around the downtown area, and watching a Memorial Day parade.

Here are some pictures.

PS. Don't go to Mystic Aquarium on Memorial Day Weekend unless you love large unruly crowds.

Clementine!!!

Happy Birthday to my dearest Clementine!

I love you super muchly!

Hester loves you too!

Strike 2

OK, so it is crunch time for Clementine's birthday and I have 2 strikes. Good lord, I gotta pull something together soon or . . . .

Actually, she says she does not want anything for her birthday except cake, singing, and a card from Hester. Hester and I have other plans. We want Clementine to know just how much we treasure her by picking out something wicked awesome for her that she will love.

I have come up with two ideas that have flopped. The first was "The Chocolate Tour." Sounds good, huh? First, we would drive to Walpole, NH to Burdick Chocolates headquarters to see (and eat) from the mother ship of fine chocolates! Then after that feast de cocoa, we would drive up to Burlington, VT. There we would visit the Lake Champlaine Chocolate factory and Ben and Jerry's Ice cream factory, as well as doing other fun things. This trip had to be cancelled due to the fact that the Lake Champlaine factory is only open for tours on weekdays and Clementine could not take a weekday off this year for the trip.

The second idea flopped tonight. I distinctly remembered Clementine talking about wanting a hammock for our yard a few years ago. I ordered a nice hammock and was all proud I had found a great gift. In talking to her tonight, I learned a) she does not feel comfortable relaxing in our yard because of icky neighborhood, b) she reminded me she cannot swing on a swing without feeling ill, c) she got seasick while scuba diving from the motion, d) she has actually never tried a hammock and does not know if she will get ill or not. Yeah, so that isn't going to work. Hello returns.

So anyone have any good ideas? Toss me a bone!

Early Mother's Day Gift!

Zoo Membership!

Thank you so much, Clementine! You are the best wife ever! (say it with a Boston accent, evah)

Happy 7th Civil Union

Today is the anniversary of our 7th Civil Union. Seven years ago, Clementine and I got up on a snowy, icy morning and drove to Vermont. We barely arrived in time at the town clerk's office to get our paperwork. Then, that afternoon, we were married in the library of the bed and breakfast where we were staying. Only Clementine, the Justice of the Peace and I were there. That was a good thing because we each wrote a paragraph to about why we were marrying the other and we both SOBBED. Clementine almost had to stop the ceremony to gain her composure. It was a beautiful day.

I did not expect that it would have such a huge emotional impact upon me. When we decided to do it, we were engaged and planning our church wedding. Bush had recently taken office and we were concerned that he would work to take away civil unions from VT. So we made plans and went up, more as a political statement and to be counted. But, pledging one's life to another person is HUGE. Since that day, we have been married twice more, once in a church and the other was our legal marriage. Each still brought tears to our eyes and choked our voices with emotion as we once again pledged ourselves to each other.

As I pondered what to give Clementine for today, I came across an old flier for this book. Immediately, I knew it was perfect. When it came in the mail, I looked through it to see if we were in any of the pictures, since we were at many of the rallies and all of the Constitutional Conventions. Alas, we were not, but seeing those pictures brought back the enormity of the fight for our rights. The fact that we are protected and have the same rights as others in this state is really huge.

I read someone's blog where the person said she did not believe in gay marriage for it does not equal a straight marriage in rights. True. We do not have most federal rights. Our taxes are filed jointly for the state but individually for federal. Because my company has a federal dental insurance, not state contract, I cannot put Clementine on my policy. We could not change our passports to match our married name. And the list of inequities goes on.

But, we gained so much in this state when we got married. We could buy a house together as straight couples do. We could file taxes jointly. We could change our name when we were married. When hospitalized, we have access to each other. When our daughter goes to the doctor, either can take her without any fuss. We were able to adopt her and be on the amended birth certificate as her parents. And the list of gains goes on.

However, the biggest gain is the depth added to our relationship. Our love grows each day. Our commitment to each other deepens each day. But when we said those words to each other, witnessed by the Justice of the Peace, then our community, then by JPP, Orca, an NPR reporter, and a photographer from the Globe, have had the greatest impact upon our relationship. I am so very lucky to know, love, and be loved by Clementine.

Clementine, you are my heart.

Happy Birthday Hester!

It has been an amazing year. So many changes for the better in me and my life. All because of this little girl. I love her more than I ever knew I could love someone. And as my love for her grows, so does my love for Clementine. Happy Birthday, Hester!

Belated Answers for Frog

Hey Frog. Thanks for answering my questions. I will answer yours now.


What's the most surprising and positive part of being a mom? The most surprising and challenging?
Hey, that is two questions in one. The most suprising and positive now part is how happy I am feeling. There is a lightness in my heart that I do not think has ever existed there. I like it very much. The most suprising and positive part ever was how much and how fast I loved Hester the second day of her life when she opened her little eyes and stared at me. It was that moment that I became her mother in my heart. It was that moment that I knew I would do anything to protect this child. It was that moment I felt more love than I ever imagined for a child wash over me. It was that moment I knew my life was changed forever and I did not mind.

The most challenging suprise for me was how much I thought of and missed my parents. Holding Hester late at night always brought me to thoughts of how my mother and father held me the same way late at night. How they must have been washed over with love and devotion for me as I am for Hester. How they must hurt so much to be cut off from me, as I imagine I would feel if I cut Hester out of my life. How hard their decision to turn against me must have been and must be every day. The compassion, love, and longing for my parents was and still is a challenge and a suprise.

How did you and Clementine meet?
Gay Marching Band.
No seriously.
I kid you not.
I had been playing with the marching band for a few years. Clementine joined it one winter. I played sax; Clementine played percussion. I watched her from across the brass section and marveled at her rhythmic precision and definitely noticed how very cute she was in her red Adidas hat. She volunteered to help me post fliers for an upcoming concert. We walked through the city that Saturday, posting fliers and talking. I discovered I had found the most enchanting and engaging woman ever. We walked and talked for hours. Stupidly, I wore my new boots to make my outfit more butch-y and cute, boots I had not broken in properly. About two hours into our fliering, I developed large blisters on each foot that covered the entire ball of my foot. But I kept walking, smiling, chatting, and flirting and did not limp. I did not tell her about my feet for I did not want the day to end. She was too wonderful and I was so captivated. Finally, when I did have to drop her off at her place so she could go to work, I drove around the corner, stopped the car, and screamed because my feet hurt like a mo fo. The romance had a bit of a rocky beginning after that but once we started dating, I think we both knew that each other was the one. That is our dorky but true story of how we met.

Do you have plans for more children? Pets?
Children, no. We were very clear in our decision to have a child that we really only wanted one. Clementine has said that once she met Hester, she knew our family was complete. I feel we are complete as well.

Pets, well, I believe we have a full house right now with two cats and one dog. I am sure we will have pets with us throughout our lives for we both get so much joy from them. I would feel incomplete without a cat or dog next to me. So, no exact plans as of now.

So to keep me blogging regularly, I will do as Frog did. Anyone can ask me three questions about anything and I will answer them. Of course, some topics may be handled like the current Bush nominee in a senate hearing: gracefully skirted.

Hello Again

Hey there bloggy friends.


Sorry I have been absent. I have been quite busy through the day at work and then when I am home, I really only want to focus on Hester and Clementine. But I have missed blogging. I do read your blogs a few times a week. However, I have moved to lurker status by not commenting.

So I wanted to tell you a crazy thing that just happened. I was telling Clementine about this annoying OT at work. She was lying in bed and I was standing at the doorway with my hand on the bathroom doorway. All of a sudden, I felt this strong tap tap on my fingers. Frightened, I pulled my hand away and turned in horror, thinking someone was hiding in our bathroom, tapping my hand. I looked in, only to see little miss Josephine. Clementine laughed so hard, she nearly wet herself.

My daily life with Hester and Clementine has been wonderful as always. We have been taking small and large trips here and there with her. Every day with her is a gift. As is every day with Clementine. My life is so very blessed by both of them.

Here we are at a farm.

Here we are at a museum.

Here we are at a family reunion.

Here we are at the zoo.

Work has been good and hard. It is good to be more focused there. I feel like I am really there, present, and making a difference in some kids lives. There is the usual personality differences like the annoying OT from earlier but it is all manageable. I still struggle to find my professional identity post-baby. Before Hester, I had a razor sharp focus at work. Work was my life. Home was very important but I really worked hard to get to where I was for my career. I wrote articles, wrote research proposals, wrote grant proposals at home in my spare time. The moment I saw Hester's head, my life and focus changed to family. Work is still very important and the work I do is very compelling. I love it. But I love my family more. Who am I now as a music therapist that work, my clients, my career, music therapy is not my life? I am not sure. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and expect one day I will wake up one morning and know.

Work has been hard too. There was a girl from Latin America who when I last sang to her, I knew that day it was the last time that I would ever see her. That evening, she was transferred to the PICU at another hospital where she passed away. It is amazing that a little girl who never woke up reached out and touched my heart. Her passing is a sadness that stays with me as I see her sister and grandmother daily. Her death was pointless and an outcome of violence from a family member. This is one of the hardest part of my job, knowing the evil that lurks within the heart of human beings.

At the same time, I have seen how simple kindnesses from me have touched deeply the hearts of two other patients. A sympathetic ear, a kind smile, singing a favorite song, holding some one's hand when they are scared, rubbing some one's back as they cry, these things do more than we ever know. It is an honor to be with these children as they recover and rebuild their lives.

A fun story of professional activities to follow all that is needed. So I belong to the MT listserv, which is so incredibly annoying and asinine at times. Some people say things that make me wonder what they studied in school, how they ever got a therapy job, and fear for the future of my profession. One of those times came recently. I was so flabbergasted by what someone was saying that I had to confront it directly. Just so you know, I did not swear, say wicked, or threaten violence. I used I statements and not even my favorite one "I feel you are a jerk." I was polite, saying perhaps we had different ways of practicing. But I effectively shut her up from saying any more untherapeutic things. I also appeared to stopped all threads on the listserv for a few days, except for various job postings. It was excellent!

I fit in shorts I did not fit into at the beginning of the summer. I also went down one scrub size.

My hair is finally cut and I do not look like a muffin.

Mitt Romney is a jerk, comparing serving in the military in Iraq or Afghanistan to working on his campaign. Please God, do not let him be elected president!

Also, Carl Rove is leaving! Oh happy day!! Bush is truly a lame duck now. Kick him while he is down, Nancy Pelosi!!

Oh, when passing out packets of sunscreen at a local outdoor concert as an awareness campaign for the hospital, the park rangers came to us and told us we could not pass out that at a family event. We were dumbfounded. Sunscreen is not family friendly??? But then we noted the size of the packets were the same as that of condoms. We laughed and told the rangers what it was and that we were from a children's hospital.

It is late and I gotta work tomorrow. thanks for coming by to check on me. I will try to post regularly. If you don't hear from me, I am probably busy but lurking around your blog.

Bad Week

This week is rough, filled with lots of feeling bad. After five action packed days with my in-laws, I returned to work. Tuesday is one of my 12 hour work days where I am gone from the house for 16 hours. In the late afternoon, as I was returning to the hospital after a coffee run, I got a call from Clementine that Hester was running a low fever. I felt so bad that I was enjoying a coffee from Starbucks while my baby is sick and Clementine is taking care of her and all the other children in her child care. I felt that my place was not work but to be home with our child, making her feel better. That night, when I got home, Hester and Clementine were already in bed. It is common for me not to even see our daughter awake on my long days.

Wednesday morning, I saw Hester for her 4 AM feeding and then got ready to go to work again. That evening, we were to have haircuts. After work, I had a bit of time between work and the appointment so I went to Porter Square to buy some yarn for projects for pregnant coworkers. I was having such a nice relaxing time looking at yarn, listening to my Zen on the T, and walking around the city. I called Clementine to get an ETA on her arrival and heard Hester’s loud cry and Clementine’s harried voice. A nightmare of screaming and puking was taking place on the MassPike. For a summary of that nightmare, read here. I felt so bad and guilty that I was having such a nice relaxing time and they were having an awful time. I went to the Starbucks near our hairdresser and awaited Clementine and Hester’s arrival. I felt like I should be in the car, caring for Hester, helping Clementine out but instead I was sitting there, drinking tea, and knitting. After our haircuts, Hester cried and puked for much of the trip home. I tried as hard as I could to soothe her, singing, holding her hand, stroking her head, and talking to her but nothing worked. She finally fell asleep. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world for wanting to get a hair cut when it clearly was too much for my baby, putting my vanity in front of my child’s needs. At the same time, I felt so frustrated that I cannot even get a simple good haircut since becoming a mother. It was horrible.

Hester slept though the night but woke up before I left for work Thursday. I left for work with Clementine crying, frustrated that Hester ate only 1 ounce of formula and then proceeded to play with her toes, refusing to eat more. Through the day, I tried to call a bunch to offer Clementine what support I could from afar. She told me how Hester was still not eating much and that the other kids were having a difficult time getting along. She sounded so harried and upset. Meanwhile, I am in the air conditioned hospital away from all that drama, having a pretty mellow day. I was dying to get home and see my child awake and happy. I wanted to listen to my wife in person and give her the support she needs. But the train was messed up and delivered us an hour late home. By then, Hester was asleep for the night and I was overwrought with guilt and feelings of being a bad mother for never being home with my child when she needed me or home with my wife when she needed me. I ended up crying and dumping all this plus family crap and work crap all over Clementine. So much for being supportive.

At 2 AM, Hester woke up for a bottle. I got up even though Clementine had offered to do my night after my crying fit. I do savor the moments with Hester. She smiled her big gummy grin as I changed her diaper. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms as I fed her the bottle. I put her down and went to bed again, got up at 5 and went to work for another long day. When I get home tonight, Hester, and maybe Clementine, will be asleep. I miss my daughter and my wife. I wish I could do a better job at balancing all this and being a good mother.

Food Poisening Vs. Norwalk Virus

What ever she had, Clementine was sick from Midnight until 8 AM, and I mean really REALLY SICK. She is feeling somewhat better now (no puking or diarrhea) and back to her normal color. One glass of Gatorade has stayed down so far. Cross your fingers and knock some wood for her.

Who is the Reason for the Season

Good times at the potato house

Clementine (singing): "Santa loves the little children."
Hashbrown: "The correct words are 'Jesus loves the little children.'"
Clementine: "Jesus, Santa, aren't they the same person? I mean, the song says, 'He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good...' See, they are pretty much the same person."
Hashbrown: "Not really."
Clementine: "Santa is a stalker; he knows if you are asleep or awake. Santa is scary."

Later

Hashbrown (singing): "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight..."
Clementine: "It does not go like that!"
Hashbrown: "Yes it does."
Clementine: "That is so racist. You don't sing it that way, do you? Red, yellow, oh my god!"
Hashbrown: "I know but that is how children still sing it."
Clementine: "That is so fucked up."