26 October, 2006
Thanks Peaches
Look at my diaper bag that Peaches bought me! Isn't it rad? I love it! She is the best!!
23 October, 2006
Next Door
I have been sitting on this one for a few weeks because I just recently could actually think about it. So a level three sex offender moved next door to our house. Frightening at best for someone who is a survivor herself, like me. I could not even deal with it at the time. Peaches would talk to me about it and I could feel myself shutting down to only ears. I could not think about it or even feel the fear that was clamping about me. I have to give her a huge shout out for she is nothing if not resourceful. She got the info on the laws. She called the sex offenders registry board, the police, our state senator, and our city councilor. The police came to arrest the man about a week after he moved in. Now the apartment is being shown to new people. Thank fricking God!
My reaction to this man is so different to my reaction to the people who lived on the other side of our house last year. They were selling drugs and their behavior was getting out of hand. I was all over that one, calling vice and talking to our state representative. I felt extremely empowered to utilize the avenues available to me to stop the drug trade next door. I was a frightened by their behavior and retaliation but that did not stop me. But this sex offender really paralyzed me.
I hate it so much that I am still so deeply affected by being molested. I hate that I can be frozen by fear. But I understand why and do not direct the anger inward.
Thank you Peaches for bravely taking this one on alone. I know I was not any help. I hope you understand.
My reaction to this man is so different to my reaction to the people who lived on the other side of our house last year. They were selling drugs and their behavior was getting out of hand. I was all over that one, calling vice and talking to our state representative. I felt extremely empowered to utilize the avenues available to me to stop the drug trade next door. I was a frightened by their behavior and retaliation but that did not stop me. But this sex offender really paralyzed me.
I hate it so much that I am still so deeply affected by being molested. I hate that I can be frozen by fear. But I understand why and do not direct the anger inward.
Thank you Peaches for bravely taking this one on alone. I know I was not any help. I hope you understand.
22 October, 2006
I'm Sorry, So Sorry.
Hello Blog.
So many things have been happening and I have not had a moment to write. Well, that is not completely true. I feel I must be completely honest with you. You see, about two weeks ago, my wife and I started two registries for the upcoming baby. I have been spending lots of time with the registry site on MyRegistry.com. I know, I know, I was unfaithful to you. But the promise of people buying things for the baby was too much and I strayed. I spent many long nights, up for hours after my wife went to bed, searching for items to add to MyRegistry.com. I searched many indi women’s websites for cute and kitchy baby things, like this and this and this (fun, huh?). I am so sorry. I stayed up way too late many nights in a row with MyRegistry.com and not only did I neglect you, this illicit affair started affecting me at work. My coworkers would ask why I had big black circles under my eyes. My interns would come across me dazing off, dreaming about more onesies I need to find. My patients would catch me yawning mid-song. It affected me at home too. The kitties walked in front of the screen many times as I dallied on the registry, wanting to be loved. I would growl at them to move for they were blocking my view of the latest pop culture phrase ironed onto baby t-shirts. I was wrong to stray. I see the errors of my ways. I know I spent a lot of time with MyRegistry.com and that was time I should have spent with you, my faithful blog. You have always been there beside me through thick and thin. I abandoned you for the promise of gifts for the baby. I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
Remorsefully yours,
Hashbrown
So many things have been happening and I have not had a moment to write. Well, that is not completely true. I feel I must be completely honest with you. You see, about two weeks ago, my wife and I started two registries for the upcoming baby. I have been spending lots of time with the registry site on MyRegistry.com. I know, I know, I was unfaithful to you. But the promise of people buying things for the baby was too much and I strayed. I spent many long nights, up for hours after my wife went to bed, searching for items to add to MyRegistry.com. I searched many indi women’s websites for cute and kitchy baby things, like this and this and this (fun, huh?). I am so sorry. I stayed up way too late many nights in a row with MyRegistry.com and not only did I neglect you, this illicit affair started affecting me at work. My coworkers would ask why I had big black circles under my eyes. My interns would come across me dazing off, dreaming about more onesies I need to find. My patients would catch me yawning mid-song. It affected me at home too. The kitties walked in front of the screen many times as I dallied on the registry, wanting to be loved. I would growl at them to move for they were blocking my view of the latest pop culture phrase ironed onto baby t-shirts. I was wrong to stray. I see the errors of my ways. I know I spent a lot of time with MyRegistry.com and that was time I should have spent with you, my faithful blog. You have always been there beside me through thick and thin. I abandoned you for the promise of gifts for the baby. I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
Remorsefully yours,
Hashbrown
13 October, 2006
Kitty Scarf
Our cat, Josie, is slender, long, and graceful. She does not like to be held but loves to climb upon your lap or chest and love on you as you pet her. But don't hold her because she will growl. And she is FIERCE!
Striving for more ways to bond with her, I thought it would be nice for her and I if I trained her to drape herself across my shoulders. I have been teaching her this at the computer desk because she sits on the desk when we surf or type.Lately, in the evenings, she comes into the bathroom with me and will climb onto the toilet tank and then walks back and forth across my shoulders, rubbing her face on my head. It is very sweet. I think she may some day come around and be the Kitty Scarf I always have wanted.
Recently, we had a guest in our home who went to use the restroom in an emergency situation. Josie, being the friendly gal she is, climbed on to the toilet tank as he entered the room and then began to swirl about on his shoulders, rubbing her face into his head as he utilized the facility. I am sure it was a unique experience for him. I wonder if he will use the facilities any time soon after that.
12 October, 2006
Home Study Hangover
No, I did not go on a bender after the home study. Please. But I did feel like shit for about 24 hours after, which is much like a hangover.
It was hard on me to open up to Ms. Stork and reveal stuff that I don't talk much about. Yeah, I talk about my family stuff on this blog but I am very choosy of what I reveal and I get to decide exactly what is said. I also have talked to many of my friends about the situations in my life, like being a survivor of sexual abuse, like being estranged from my family, like not being believed by my family, like having dyslexia. But during my private home study meeting, I had to discuss all these issues for two hours. It ended good with me emphasizing that despite these things, I have always coped in the most healthy way I could, never harming myself or others. I always have gone to therapy to move through issues. When in therapy, I do not doddle over issues; I tackle them head on and work through it.
So in a brief amount of time, I told her things that I don't tell my friends in one sitting. And she took notes. And she asked for more info. I knew to increase our chances of getting a child, I had to be honest and answer the questions. But it was hard. When we ended, it was a hand shake and out the door I went. I stopped at Starbucks to pee and felt like crying in the bathroom. I was so open and raw from the interview. I had to go get on the commuter rail to go home but did not want to sit there with all the strangers feeling so open and hurt. (But Hell, I probably would get a three person seat to myself if I sat there and cried real loud!) I read my novel to keep the hurt at bay until I got home nearly 3 hours later.
All last night and much of today, I felt the tears were close to coming out. I felt so weary and defeated. My heart and soul felt open and so raw. And my eye twitched from the stress.
There has to be a better way to do this. I know they need the info. But it seriously fucked me up. I am not a mamby pamby cry baby about this stuff. But seriously, if I did not have hella work commitments this week, next week, and the following week, I would take a few days off to regroup. It was that intense.
Peaches, don't you worry your pretty little head about this though. I am fine. I will be back to normal by Monday. Our baby is worth the wait and the work. I just wish there were a better way for the social workers to get the info they need.
It was hard on me to open up to Ms. Stork and reveal stuff that I don't talk much about. Yeah, I talk about my family stuff on this blog but I am very choosy of what I reveal and I get to decide exactly what is said. I also have talked to many of my friends about the situations in my life, like being a survivor of sexual abuse, like being estranged from my family, like not being believed by my family, like having dyslexia. But during my private home study meeting, I had to discuss all these issues for two hours. It ended good with me emphasizing that despite these things, I have always coped in the most healthy way I could, never harming myself or others. I always have gone to therapy to move through issues. When in therapy, I do not doddle over issues; I tackle them head on and work through it.
So in a brief amount of time, I told her things that I don't tell my friends in one sitting. And she took notes. And she asked for more info. I knew to increase our chances of getting a child, I had to be honest and answer the questions. But it was hard. When we ended, it was a hand shake and out the door I went. I stopped at Starbucks to pee and felt like crying in the bathroom. I was so open and raw from the interview. I had to go get on the commuter rail to go home but did not want to sit there with all the strangers feeling so open and hurt. (But Hell, I probably would get a three person seat to myself if I sat there and cried real loud!) I read my novel to keep the hurt at bay until I got home nearly 3 hours later.
All last night and much of today, I felt the tears were close to coming out. I felt so weary and defeated. My heart and soul felt open and so raw. And my eye twitched from the stress.
There has to be a better way to do this. I know they need the info. But it seriously fucked me up. I am not a mamby pamby cry baby about this stuff. But seriously, if I did not have hella work commitments this week, next week, and the following week, I would take a few days off to regroup. It was that intense.
Peaches, don't you worry your pretty little head about this though. I am fine. I will be back to normal by Monday. Our baby is worth the wait and the work. I just wish there were a better way for the social workers to get the info they need.
11 October, 2006
10 October, 2006
Bull Daggers Don't Wear No Princess Dress
So, at work, we always dress up for Halloween. That is cool. But we do it by department and have themes. Still pretty cool. This year, my department has struggled to come up with a theme. Nine of us will be there that day. This one intern suggested we dress up like princes and princesses. Then another staff member said the boy she cares for said we should dress up as a vampire (male staff) and ballerinas. I could take no more and put my foot down in the staff meeting saying, "I am not going to dress up as a ballerina nor will I dress up as a princess and I am not going to go in drag as a prince!" The intern looked quite crushed. But, hello, I am a big bull dagger and am not going to wear some poofy pink princess gown! Hell no! We then ended up deciding to be Old MacDonald (the male staff) and the farm animals (female staff).
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