Home Study Hangover

No, I did not go on a bender after the home study. Please. But I did feel like shit for about 24 hours after, which is much like a hangover.

It was hard on me to open up to Ms. Stork and reveal stuff that I don't talk much about. Yeah, I talk about my family stuff on this blog but I am very choosy of what I reveal and I get to decide exactly what is said. I also have talked to many of my friends about the situations in my life, like being a survivor of sexual abuse, like being estranged from my family, like not being believed by my family, like having dyslexia. But during my private home study meeting, I had to discuss all these issues for two hours. It ended good with me emphasizing that despite these things, I have always coped in the most healthy way I could, never harming myself or others. I always have gone to therapy to move through issues. When in therapy, I do not doddle over issues; I tackle them head on and work through it.

So in a brief amount of time, I told her things that I don't tell my friends in one sitting. And she took notes. And she asked for more info. I knew to increase our chances of getting a child, I had to be honest and answer the questions. But it was hard. When we ended, it was a hand shake and out the door I went. I stopped at Starbucks to pee and felt like crying in the bathroom. I was so open and raw from the interview. I had to go get on the commuter rail to go home but did not want to sit there with all the strangers feeling so open and hurt. (But Hell, I probably would get a three person seat to myself if I sat there and cried real loud!) I read my novel to keep the hurt at bay until I got home nearly 3 hours later.

All last night and much of today, I felt the tears were close to coming out. I felt so weary and defeated. My heart and soul felt open and so raw. And my eye twitched from the stress.

There has to be a better way to do this. I know they need the info. But it seriously fucked me up. I am not a mamby pamby cry baby about this stuff. But seriously, if I did not have hella work commitments this week, next week, and the following week, I would take a few days off to regroup. It was that intense.

Peaches, don't you worry your pretty little head about this though. I am fine. I will be back to normal by Monday. Our baby is worth the wait and the work. I just wish there were a better way for the social workers to get the info they need.