A while ago, Abigail asked "Do you still enjoy work? Or is it just something to get through so you can be with your loved ones again?"
I have been thinking a lot about how parenthood has affected me at work. There are so many shifts, some subtle and some not so subtle. I have taken some time to sort through it all. I don't have a definitive answer but I will do my best.
Do I still enjoy work? Yes, I do. I have always LOVED my job. That hospital is the BOMB! Most of my coworkers are friendly and kind. The work is compelling. The patients and their families are really wonderful people. The opportunities for and support of music therapy research is there. I have an internship program up and running. The priorities toward providing the children with the best possible health care with no expense spared makes the place amazing. So, I still love my work.
I do find that my energy level at work has changed. My focus is not quite as intense as it was before January. I work hard but not as hard as I used to. Emotional situations are harder for me to be open to. When a parent cried the other day as her child fell asleep in the OR, I opened myself to empathizing by imagining Hester in the woman's child's place. I was immediately flooded with so much sadness and worry. I had to shut down my thoughts of Hester in order to continue to support the parent as we left the OR.
I find it is harder to be present with patients during painful procedures. I need to compartmentalize my home life far from my work life. This is a skill I already had but am employing it even more now. However, I feel like I am too closed off to really connect to my patients like I was before Hester's birth. I am not sure if it is that I am protecting myself or that I am so tired that I don't have the energy to be fully present during intense painful experiences. It is not that I am doing horribly at work. The shift is minor and I don't think my coworkers even notice. But I see it. I am not sure if these changes are permanent or just for now.
Is work something I just do to get through the day until I can go home to my loved ones? Kind of. Before Hester, MT was my life and my job and career were tightly married. Since Hester, I am still dedicated to my career. I just have new priorities that supersede MT. And I don't mind it at all. I am still very dedicated to continuing to do research, to find better ways to treat my clients, to serve on the regional and national levels, and my practice. But little Hester and my family (Clementine and Hester and I) are more important. I no longer see my job and career as one in the same. My job right now is a ways to attain my career goals but not the end all be all. I can see myself working else where in a few years. Maybe a small community hospital, maybe a private practice focusing on pain and wellness, maybe even working at a fancy spa. Who knows? But I do not have to keep at my current job until retirement anymore. I am willing to make sacrifices of the fabulousness of my current hospital for more time with my family.
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1 comment:
What you say makes a lot of sense. I would imagine that regardless of how wonderful your job may be (or how wonderful anything else may be for that matter), the core of what is important in your life has shifted and expanded- making your relationship to everything different.
It does seem like it would be necessary to keep more of yourself to yourself now so that you can bring that to your new life.
I was particularly struck by your story of having to shut off some of your feelings when that woman was crying for her daughter. It's interesting to me- you probably wouldn't have fully understood her pain before you had your own daughter, and so in that way, you are better able to understand her feelings. At the same time, that tenderness and openness can overwhelm you and affect your abilities to be effective as a therapist.
I remember the first time I cried during a session in my internship. I was upset with myself because I felt that I had taken away from my client's experience. I remember my supervisor saying that her supervisor had quoted something H. Bonny had said - something like: it's not ok to cry for the client. It's not ok to cry for yourself. But, it's ok and appropriate to cry as the therapist for the client. I still have a hard time with that one- I don't know that I always have the strength or energy to put up the emotional structures in myself to separate those things. Your story reminded me of that though.
Hearing your feelings of how MT is still very important to you, but you know that you have other priorities that supersede MT now... I appreciate hearing that. Strange- although 80% of MTs are women, most of the MTs I know professionally and speak with are men. I appreciate hearing your perspective, as a woman around this.
There are some things that are just more important.
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