Questions Answered

A while ago, Abigail asked "Do you still enjoy work? Or is it just something to get through so you can be with your loved ones again?"

I have been thinking a lot about how parenthood has affected me at work. There are so many shifts, some subtle and some not so subtle. I have taken some time to sort through it all. I don't have a definitive answer but I will do my best.

Do I still enjoy work? Yes, I do. I have always LOVED my job. That hospital is the BOMB! Most of my coworkers are friendly and kind. The work is compelling. The patients and their families are really wonderful people. The opportunities for and support of music therapy research is there. I have an internship program up and running. The priorities toward providing the children with the best possible health care with no expense spared makes the place amazing. So, I still love my work.

I do find that my energy level at work has changed. My focus is not quite as intense as it was before January. I work hard but not as hard as I used to. Emotional situations are harder for me to be open to. When a parent cried the other day as her child fell asleep in the OR, I opened myself to empathizing by imagining Hester in the woman's child's place. I was immediately flooded with so much sadness and worry. I had to shut down my thoughts of Hester in order to continue to support the parent as we left the OR.

I find it is harder to be present with patients during painful procedures. I need to compartmentalize my home life far from my work life. This is a skill I already had but am employing it even more now. However, I feel like I am too closed off to really connect to my patients like I was before Hester's birth. I am not sure if it is that I am protecting myself or that I am so tired that I don't have the energy to be fully present during intense painful experiences. It is not that I am doing horribly at work. The shift is minor and I don't think my coworkers even notice. But I see it. I am not sure if these changes are permanent or just for now.

Is work something I just do to get through the day until I can go home to my loved ones? Kind of. Before Hester, MT was my life and my job and career were tightly married. Since Hester, I am still dedicated to my career. I just have new priorities that supersede MT. And I don't mind it at all. I am still very dedicated to continuing to do research, to find better ways to treat my clients, to serve on the regional and national levels, and my practice. But little Hester and my family (Clementine and Hester and I) are more important. I no longer see my job and career as one in the same. My job right now is a ways to attain my career goals but not the end all be all. I can see myself working else where in a few years. Maybe a small community hospital, maybe a private practice focusing on pain and wellness, maybe even working at a fancy spa. Who knows? But I do not have to keep at my current job until retirement anymore. I am willing to make sacrifices of the fabulousness of my current hospital for more time with my family.

Did that answer your questions?

Sweet Dreams

Last night, Hester woke up as I tried to transfer her to her crib. We still needed to call Hester's first mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. So I gave her a bottle while Clementine called Hester's first mother. As they spoke, Hester finished eating. We sat there together listening to Clementine talk. Hester just gazed up at my face and slowly drifted off to sleep. It reminded me so much of the second night of Hester's life. On that night, she woke up for the first time and gazed into my eyes. At that moment, I knew I was Hester's mother deep in my heart. It seemed a fitting end to my first Mother's Day to relive that moment as well as reconnect with Hester's first mother.

Then

Now

New Shoes

We went to the New Balance Factory Outlet

and

someone tried on some running shoes for the first time!

Mother's Day Note

Hello Mom
I just wanted to take a moment to wish you a happy Mother's Day. Not a day has gone by since Hester was born that I do not think about you. I especially think about just how much I love Hester and how you must feel that same way for each of your children. I hope you have had a wonderful day.
Love,
Hashbrown, Clementine, and Hester

Tagging

OK. From the past post about five things you did not know about me, I will tag JPP, Abigail, Clementine, Canada, and Psycho Kitty.

Five things for Friday

OK, so Muse tagged me. Here are five things you may not know about me.
1. I feel like snuggling more when the sheets are just washed.
2. I own 4 guitars, 3 saxophones (alto, tenor, and bari), 2 harmonicas, and 1 sitar.
3. Despite being a news junkie (listening to NPR, watching the evening news, watching Meet the Press, reading Huffington Post), I only read the funnies in the Sunday paper.
4. I like to paint my toe nails. But not red or pink because that makes me think of my mother's toe nails.
5. Despite being a vegetarian, I DO NOT LIKE eggplant or orange squashes.

The cutest cheeks in town

Mumzy Hester Day

I love my Monday outings with Hester. We went shopping for Clementine's birthday this week. It was awesome. We found a great deal on . . . Oh, no, Clementine! No peaking!

Last week, I pulled a new parent forgetful moment. I packed up everything I could think of in my diaper bag for the afternoon of errands. We got to the mall and Hester started to cry. So I headed to Starbucks, got a drink and lunch, and sat down to feed her. I had her bottle with the water measured out but had forgotten to put the container of formula powder into my bag. So we booked it out of the mall and drove to Target. There, I bought more formula (and some $.99 onesies on sale!! Go big C). We then drove to another Starbucks where she enjoyed a soy formula and I had another drink.

This week's outing was much calmer and more organized. I did not forget anything. We strolled the mall and shopped until Hester was hungry. So we went to Starbucks. We did have a great time dancing to "Day-o" and laughing at the Starbucks. Yes, I go to Starbucks a lot with her but it is not for the drinks. Here are my reasons for going there.
1. They let you sit there as long as you want.
2. They have clean bathrooms.
3. They have changing tables in the bathrooms.
4. They are pleasant and have nice chairs.
5. They often play good music which makes slow feedings much more enjoyable for Mumzy!
6. OK, I'll admitt it, I like the drinks there.

I cannot wait for next weeks adventure! I don't know what it is yet. Hey Hester, do you have any good ideas?

Thoughts about Parents

My parents continue to email me after receiving the photo greeting cards we make of Hester (we have been doing on each major holiday). They even sent a stuffed lamb for Easter to Hester. I am surprised that everyone was right that they may be in contact more when I had a child. I am happy, mostly, with the tentative nature of our interactions. I wonder if this is the start of re-establishing our relationship or not.

When I hold Hester, my mind wanders to thinking about how my parents held me. I think a lot about my mother. I think about how much I love Hester and how my mother must have felt the same way when holding me. I think about how I never want to be estranged from Hester and how much it must hurt my mother to be estranged from me. I wonder about her choices in regards to me, especially the choice to cling to religions that say being queer is bad. I know God and religions are powerful forces in her life but each time I look at Hester, each time I hold her, each time I see her I feel the presence of God with each of us and in the love we have for each other. I wish my mother and father could get beyond what man says God believes and could see that God made me in His image as much as he made them in His image. I wish they could see God in Hester, Clementine, and themselves. I am not so angry with them anymore. I am more surprised that something made by men, religion, could come between the love a parent has for their child.