Travel Stress

When I was on maternity leave in March, I was asked to be a co-presenter at the American Music Therapy Association's conference in November. Our date for presenting was set months ago for November 15th in the morning. Then, a month or so ago, we were told that Hester's finalization was scheduled for Friday November 16th at 8 in the morning. I made my travel plans to go to the conference on Wednesday, present Thursday morning, get on a plane, and get home before 10 PM. Sounds like a good plan, huh?



The presentation went well and I left the hotel early, giving myself more than two hours to go through security, find my gate, and relax. It all went well until the flight boarded a bit late, but I had almost an hour layover so it was still OK. Then we pulled out onto the tarmac and stopped. The pilot said we would be waiting there for 45 minutes to take off. This put me into Chicago 15 minutes late for my connecting flight. I called my airline from the tarmac to rearrange my connecting flight. While on hold for ever, the pilot said to turn off cell phones because we were about to take off.



The whole way to Chicago, I was thinking of what to do. What if I could not get a flight? Could I rent a car and get home in time for the adoption? If I got to the airport by 5:30 AM, I could take the commuter rail home, change into my suit from the day before, and be there on time. If I got in later, I could borrow one of my coworkers truck and drive to the court house, wearing my suit from the day before. What if I could not be there? Would my wife or daughter ever forgive me for missing it? Could I ever forgive myself? What a horrible mother I am!



I got to Chicago and called the airline again. The woman found me the last seat on the next flight. As she told me I had a seat, I started to cry. I told her that I had to get home for my daughter's adoption and thanked her a zillion times. People in the airport must have thought I was crazy for I was still crying as I walked to the next concourse where my new flight was to take off from.

By the time I arrived, my flight had been delayed until 8:30 PM from 7:20 PM. Over the next hour and a half, it was delayed to 9:40 PM and the gate was changed twice and the concourse changed once. My concern then became will I get home in time for the shuttle service ride home. Their last shuttle is at 12:15 AM. The flight would make it, just barely.

We boarded the plane 30 minutes late and then the plane just sat there for another 45 minutes. I knew it would arrive later than 12:15 AM. Clementine had said to call her if I needed a ride home and she and Hester would come get me. I did not want to do that. Luckily, when I landed, I called the shuttle service and they were waiting for me outdoors. I booked it to the shuttle and got home at 2 AM.

I was thrilled that I made it home in time, that I was not a bad mother, and that I could share this very special day with my family, Hester and Clementine.

Adoption Day Festivities Recap

Friday was a big day for us as you may know; it was the day we finalized Hester's adoption. The court scheduled Hester's adoption on National Adoption Day. This was not our choice for we wanted the day to be a contemplative day not a circus. At eight, we arrived at the court house with 30 other families. 41 children were adopted on Friday in our city. The court house had planned different festivities including family portraits for each family, speeches by state politicians and others touched by adoption,and the appearance of a local mascot. We were joined by our social worker, her intern, the lawyer appointed to us, a CASA volunteer, and the court personnel.

The actual adoption finalization was not very exciting. The judge asked us some questions about how it was going with Hester, how she was doing, what we did for work, and such. She then signed two pieces of paper and it was done. Hester was as of that moment legally our daughter as she had been in our hearts since she was born. We took pictures with the judge and she gave us some gifts for Hester. It was really a very nice day.

Saturday, we invited our and Hester's friends over for a pizza party to celebrate. Hester had a wonderful time playing with her friends and weenjoyed the company of so many friends who have given us so much supportthrough this entire process. Thanks to everyone.

We are thrilled that the entire adoption process is complete. However,in our joy to be a family with our daughter, we remember her first family and their loss. We remember the joy in her birth father's eyes when he held her. We remember how her birth mother gave us advise and celebrated with us our new motherhood. We remember her birth brother brought her gifts. We are blessed each day to see Hester's smile but are aware that her first family do not have that joy. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.

We are now free of social workers and adoption agencies which is great! No longer do we need the doctor to sign forms each time she sees Hester. No longer do we have to get special permission to travel with our daughter. Once the paperwork from the finalization is sent to us, we will get Hester her social security card and her first bank account. It is wonderful to take these steps forward now with her.

Thank you to all the blog friends and readers who have offered support and a listening ear through this entire process. Your comments, thoughts, and prayers have made a huge difference in us and our ability to cope with and celebrate every step of this process. I hope that some day we can do the same for you.

Finalization

It was an anti-climatic ceremony but it is all done. Legally, we are now a family, which we have been in our hearts since we met Hester. I love you, Hester. Clementine, thank you for opening my life up to so many things I never dreamed I could feel or be.

The Saga of the Origional Birth Certificate

My darling Clementine is amazing. When she puts her mind to it, she can accomplish anything. When her heart is involved, that women will move mountains to do what is right. This is one of many reasons I love her. Our state has a new law that seals all original birth certificates for children born up to some date in the future that I don't remember and that is not really necessary. All that is necessary is that Hester would not have access to her own original birth certificate until the laws changed. But Clementine had her heart in getting the original birth certificate for our daughter and she did it. She is my shero.



The upcoming finalization of Hester's adoption entails the issuing of a new birth certificate with Clementine and my names on it in the parent boxes. We legally become her parents that day and from that day forth, she legally becomes her wonderfully long, immensely meaningful, and beautiful name we chose for her. However, on that day, she is no longer her equally wonderful, immensely meaningful, beautiful name her birth parents choose for her. Her birth mother gave Hester her own first name, her mothers name for Hester's middle name, and her husband's last name.



I remember Ms. Stork, our social worker's words, that we hold Hester's adoption story for her until she is old enough to learn it and understand it. A part of that story is our memories of our time with her and her birth parents and brother. Another part of that story is our memories of our time with her, watching her grow up. Another part is the paperwork that documents her connection to her birth family. This includes her birth family's adoption plan, her prenatal reports, her first foot print from after her birth, photos of her with her birth family, and her original birth certificate. It is vital for Hester to have every piece of information we can give her so she knows who she is, who her birth family is, and how she came to our family.



As you may know, my mother and aunt were sisters who were adopted together. When I was 16, my mother started her search for her birth family. She was at least 40. Her questions about who her birth family was and who she was finally were answered, sort of. Sadly, when she and her sister tracked down their birth father, he was dead. They thought they found their birth mother but she denied she was their birth mother. They did find cousins and aunts and uncles. Many questions were answered. Pictures of their parents were produced. Stories about them told. My mother finally found out that the family gave them to the state as an act of love and protection, not of abandonment as they had thought for many years. I don't want my daughter to ever think she was abandoned. She never was.



So the original birth certificate is a small piece we can give to Hester so she does not have to question "who am I" any more than any teenager or adult does. It is also a small piece that tells her that she was not abandoned or unloved by her birth family, as evidenced by their chosen names for her. It is a part of her adoption story that we hold for her.

This is why it is so important to us to get it. I am speaking for myself but I think my wife will agree, what comes off as mixed feelings is the combination of happiness, joy, relief that Hester is ours and sadness and grief that Hester's final legal connection to her birth family will be erased when her name is changed and her parents are changed on the birth certificate and that her birth parents don't get to see this amazing child's smile every day.

Her birth father repeated over and over those first days of her life that we are all family now. And it is true, we are all bonded together through Hester. And like any other family member, you remember them on days that are anniversaries of good time and hard times. We will always remember them on days of importance with Hester, as well on days of the ordinary.

Sweet Dreams

Last night, Hester woke up as I tried to transfer her to her crib. We still needed to call Hester's first mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. So I gave her a bottle while Clementine called Hester's first mother. As they spoke, Hester finished eating. We sat there together listening to Clementine talk. Hester just gazed up at my face and slowly drifted off to sleep. It reminded me so much of the second night of Hester's life. On that night, she woke up for the first time and gazed into my eyes. At that moment, I knew I was Hester's mother deep in my heart. It seemed a fitting end to my first Mother's Day to relive that moment as well as reconnect with Hester's first mother.

Then

Now

Longing for the Long Awaited End

The week drags on and I cannot focus on work. All I think about is how much longer until the day or week is over and I can go see Hester. By body, mind, and soul ache to be with her. To top it off, the length of this hospital stay is starting to really wear on us. We try very hard to keep calm and keep our cool but things happen that we just do not like at all. It is a weird balance I feel we must keep of keeping the peace with the nurses so Hester gets good care and advocating for her best interests as a parent. The novelty (if there ever was any) of living out of bags at a hospital has long worn off. I am weary of not eating home cooked food and of not sleeping in my bed or next to my wife. My eyes long to look at our little home, the walls we painted, the couch we bought, the orange door, and even our dirt backyard. I miss the kitties and dog. And I want Hester to see her home, meet her pets, lay in her crib, and be with her mama and mumzy all day and all night without drugs, nurses, leads, monitors, lactation consultants, intercoms, and cafeteria food. Well, she eats formula so maybe not the cafeteria food. But you get the picture.

MIA

I am here, sort of. I spend my days during the week at work, trying to focus, train my interns, provide treatment for the ever increasing number of children, prepare for Joint Commission, prepare for the upcoming maternity leave, and and stay calm. Nights are spent at the NICU with Hester and Peaches, as are weekends. The nurses have been kind enough to let us stay when their census is low. When we sleep there, they come get us for her feedings through the night. It is quite nice but we are sleep deprived. The thought of going home tonight after visiting Hester makes me want to cry with joy that 1) I can snuggle up with my wife again, 2) I will be in my own bed with our pets, and 3) I can snuggle up with my wife again. It is hard to sleep next to each other but not with each other. She sleeps on the hospital bed; I sleep on the chair/cot/thing.

When at work, I see Hester's cute face in front of me nearly the entire day. My heart and body longs to be with her again. When I get there and can hold her again, I feel at ease again. Tired but at ease. I believe babies exude sleepy pheromones. Also, serious lack of good sleep here.

Also, the boob thing is really weird for me. It seriously fucks with me on so many levels. My gender identity is all a wacky from the whole milk producing thing. Also being a survivor really messes with the whole breast feeding thing. I am really weirded out that I may have Hester suckling at my breast. Also, the whole pleasure from baby at the breast thing is just about enough to send me over the edge. But I am trying to breath and take it one day at a time.

So far, I am only getting colostrum. Drops to maybe 1/8th a teaspoon. Probably less. I started the fenugreek, blessed thistle, alfalfa, and goat's rue concoction. Delicious. My boxers are filled with the scent of maple. I think people must think of pancakes when I walk by. Thanks Fenugreek. The lactation consultant had me order the donperedon, which I did today. And my Hospital grade pump came to the house tonight, the Lactina. I get to pump every 3 hours for 15 minutes. Oh joy. Good bye sleep. Hello dark circles and bags.

I am going through with this despite not feeling 100% thrilled because I know it will be of benefit to my daughter. The trouble this causes me is temporary. Some day in the next year, my boobs will no longer be a milk factory and will go back to having only one job again. But the benefits to Hester will last much longer than the inconvenience to me.

Hester is doing well. She will be at the NICU for a few more weeks. I long to have her home so one can crash on the couch or bed when the other holds her.

We have been so bestowed by innumerable gifts from friends and family. It is amazing the amount of gifts and hand me downs that we have received already. I have not been home to see it all but Clementine brings the camera with pictures of the daily haul to the hospital for me to view. It is just amazing to see all the stuff. And even more amazing to see is the support and love from our community of friends and family. We are so truly blessed.

I miss my home. I need to pay bills. I need a hair cut. I need sleep. I gotta take my herbs and pump. I miss sleeping next to my wife. I long to be with my daughter. I gotta go catch the train.

My Beautiful Daughter

I love her so much.

Here's Hester

Today was a day of so many emotions; I cannot even begin to explain it all. The birth family signed the surrenders today. Hester is ours. Legally, we started our lives together today as a family. I was so joyful, I could have leaped over a building. But today was the day that the birth parents said good bye to their little girl. The sadness was overwhelming. Having spent the last week with the birth family in close quarters and very intimately, both Clementine and I were acutely aware that our dream coming true of having a daughter was because of another family's loss. That little girl is my heart and I feel such joy that she is now my daughter but it is tempered by the image burned in my mind of her birth mother and father as they passed her to me and left.

So many people celebrate this day each year with their child, calling it names like "Gotcha Day." It is common in adoption to mark this important day in the life of the adoptive family. But I do not feel this is a day for cakes and parties. It is much more somber.

I am home for a moment

The baby has moved to the NICU for management of the symptoms of her medical condition we knew about before the birth. She is doing as expected, following the course of the disorder. The nurses there are very kind. Each has had listening ears for each us when it gets to be overwhelming. They gave us the direct number to the NICU and permission to call as often and when ever we want to check on her. Each kind word and act gives us such comfort.

Yesterday, I was feeling very stressed after lunch. When I got back to the unit, the nurse invited me to come sit with the baby as she slept in the NICU. Just being next to her brought so much calm to my overwrought heart.

The date of the surrender has been moved all around over the past two days. It is now rescheduled for Thursday again but that did not sound definite when I spoke with the birth family's social worker last night. A good sign is that I am going to pick up all the paperwork we have to sign today.

We have not had the time to answer the many comments, emails, and phone calls we have received over the past week. Please know we read them all, share them with each other, and feel the love from everyone. Your words make a huge difference to both of us. Please keep both families and the baby in your thoughts and prayers.

Just One Look

We spent the day with the baby yesterday at the hospital. We were alone with her much of the day and it was so much different from the day before. She is just so beautiful. The day was filled with holding, feeding, burping, and changing the baby. She was still in the calm, sleeping phase after birth. It was such a gift to share such a quiet day with Clementine and the baby.

Much of the day, I kept my heart at a distance. She was like a friend's baby. I am trying to protect myself from being hurt if the parents decide not to go forth with their adoption plans. There are no indications that this would happen. In fact, they reassure us they will be signing each time we see them, unprompted even. They both are so very kind and strong. But, these three to four days were stretching out before me and I wanted to keep my heart safe.

But then, last night, after getting cleaned up from her first (I am sure of many) diaper blowout, she opened her eyes and looked at us. As I held her and she looked right up at me, I knew I loved this child with all my heart. As it became time to go home, I knew I never wanted to be apart from this baby. I wanted to look into her eyes every day (at least until she goes to college, trade school, or moves out on her own). My heart ached as we left the baby in the nursery and still aches as I sit here in front of the computer at home. I guess I fell hard for this little baby.

Clementine and I talked about it later and she said she knew I would love the baby right away because I have a "big marshmallow heart." As we drove home, I thought about the times I have fallen in love before, with Clementine and with my lovers before her. Each time I told someone that I loved them, each time I felt it for the first time, I was scared for my heart. The situations were not set but were new-ish and still not certain. But I took those leaps then and I guess I am taking that leap now. Wish me luck.

Loss

As we proceed this week with all the amazing things that have happened like getting the ultrasound, watching the baby be born, and spending time with the baby, I feel the hole in my heart for my parents and siblings. When we were sending people the ultrasound pictures, I wanted so badly to send it to them as well. Each night as we send pictures to our closest friends and family, I long to send some to my parents and even my sister. Instead, I turn to my friends, especially Rae who are my family of choice. I watch Clementine talking to her parents many times each day and hear about how very excited they are for this baby. I long to have this with my family, but know the reality. So I wait until if we get custody of this baby to tell my parents about her birth. It is times like this that I miss them so much.

Announcing:

A little baby was born last night at 5:10 PM. She was 19 inches long and 7 lb 6.9 ounces. Clementine and I were honored that the mother asked us to be in the room and participate in the birth. Clementine held the mother's leg and I her head. It was so incredibly generous of the mother to have us there. She is a kind and strong woman. We are in awe!

We now wait for the parents to decide if they will terminate their rights. It is supposed to happen Tuesday. Right now, both the mother and father are indicating they will follow through with their adoption plans.

I cannot explain the flood of feelings that raced through me throughout yesterday. There was the excitement of a baby being born, there was the happiness that our dreams of a baby may have been filled, there was the amazing experience of watching a baby be born two feet from our noses, there was the happiness and thrill from the father that his baby was born and beautiful, there was the sadness from both the father and mother that they plan to not raise this child, there was the mother's excitement for us to become parents. We are a bit wiped out. When we got home, we printed out the pictures of the baby for the mother and father and Clementine sat up making the photo album for them as well as a framed picture of the baby. That Clementine is a superstar. I love her so much.

So, we are up and heading back to the hospital after we get cleaned up. I feel a trip to Starbucks in my near future. Love the lovely caffeine!!

Also, after seeing the birth up close and personal, I recommend adoption whole-heartedly.

Baby Update

So, birth mother called yesterday to let us know she is is 4 cm dilated. She is not in labor yet.

Also, she wants us there in the room during the birth.

Also, she wants to meet before she gives birth.

Also, her due date has been moved up twice to the 24th and now the 15th and NO ONE FROM THE OTHER AGENCY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD TO TELL US ANY OF THIS INFORMATION!

Hello......

Also, her agency is acting like we have weeks and months to wait.

Also, they still have not sent us the financial paperwork or any paperwork. Nor will they discuss any of that at any length with us on the phone.

Also, they have not sent us the a prenatal report since Octobers!!!

Hello! A BABY IS ABOUT TO BE BORN!!!

Also, they are not a choice!*

*A special shout out to Clementine and JPP!

Wow!

Well, Ms. Scary was just as rude to our social worker, Ms. Stork, today as she has been to Clementine. She is being quite impossible. I think I may look into becoming a member of their board of trustees (if they have one) once we adopt Hester. What goes around, comes around! he he he he

Calls

Yesterday, I called every one of our friends that I had on my cell phone and left messages about what is going on. I then asked them to call Peaches and check on her this weekend so she did not feel so alone while I was so far away. Each time Peaches and I talk, she gives me the latest roll call of friends who have called, offered to hang out, offered to have her come over for dinner, etc. I have said it before and I will say it again, Peaches and I are blessed with amazing friends who are so loving and caring. If you are reading this right now, this post is for you. Thank you!

UFO or Dyslexia

I was telling some friends here in Colorado about the birth mother being in the hospital and that I may have to rush home. I was trying to explain what was going on and said she had a placenta abduction instead of abruption. What sort of crop circle would be left when a placenta was abducted?

Holy Fuck!

So Peaches gets a call this morning that the birth mother's placenta has abrupted and she is in the hospital on steroids. We could be mothers TODAY!!! To top it off, I am in Colorado for my brother's graduation! I am so torn; I have been planning to come to this for a year and really want to be here for Snapdragon but I don't want Peaches to do all this alone!! Right now, we are leaving it at continuing my trip as planned as we wait for more developments. Also, now seeing my parents is so not a worry. Who cares what they may or may not say. I have a baby on the way!

I'll say it again.
Holy fuck!

Good And Bad

So the birth family saw our letter and photo album and really liked what they saw. They were both happy that we want to parent their child. So we passed that hurdle, thank god. Next, we will be hearing from Ms. Scary at the birth parents' adoption agency to talk about money, forms, get consent to talk with two other doctors, and about making arrangements to talk to the birth mother on the phone and then meet the birth parents. It is not certain but it is looking good that we will be the parents of this child. Cool, huh?

The other good news is that my mole was so not cancer. It only had mild to moderately abnormal cells and they were too close to the edge of the original biopsy. She had to shave some more off of the site to hopefully remove all of the abnormal cells. I'll find out in a week or so how the pathology report came out and if I have to go again for another shaving.

A coworker who is a friend found out this morning that her brother died. He had MD. Clementine's and my thoughts go out to her and her family.

Crying Over Shattered Deodorant

I am a wee bit stressed out lately. So many big things are happening all at once and this Saturday, I lost it. Let me tell you about it all.

1. Over the last ten days, our lives have changed dramatically. We are in the consideration of the birth parents for this child to be born early February. We are the only parents being considered and we will hear in the next few days if they want to meet us. If it works out, we have to get the funds together in very little time and prepare for the baby. We have done so much but I worry that there is so much left to do.
2. Thursday, I fly out to visit Snapdragon and see him graduate with his pre-med degree. I also get to visit my dear friend Chica, Psycho Kitty, and Rae. The down side is that I will be seeing my parents. I so do not want to see them or talk with them about the adoption. They are so very unpleasant. So that part of the trip is wicked stressful.
3. I had two moles removed about a month ago. Two weeks ago, I got a call from the doctors office saying that they "could not rule out cancer" in one of the moles and they needed to "shave the site down." It was clear that I was talking to the secretary and she did not have any good answers about what "could not rule out cancer" meant. I plan to find out tomorrow. Deep down in my brain, I have a very strong belief that it is not that serious. But my god, hearing the C word in relation to your body is quite frightening. This one tipped the scales over to the side of crazy Saturday.
4. Also, over the past two weeks , I had one abstract for a conference turned down as well as a manuscript for a journal. I have had maybe two rejections of conference abstracts EVER in my career, and I present a lot. My other three manuscripts were accepted for publication with minor changes. This one, one of the reviewers seemed to have it out for me. I revised that damn thing four times for her. My rejection letter contained the comments from both reviewers. The evil one had five things she did not like, things like arguing that it is not actually a pilot study. The other reviewer said it was ready to publish. This is my first manuscript to be rejected. I know it is all part of the process but I feel like I have lost my golden touch. I realize this may seem rather petty or dumb in relation to the other things like adoption and mole cancer worry, but these goals have a very important meaning to me.
5. Christmas is coming and that is always a stressful time. I don't feel at home with my in-laws. Now don't get me wrong, they are super nice and caring. It just is so very different from what I grew up with. I miss my family a lot during the holidays but know what I miss does not exist anymore. I love Peaches and my private celebration of Christmas. That is so wonderful. The spirit of the holiday lives in that wonderful evening each year. There is no complaining about gifts, yelling that someone ruined the green beans, fear that someone will not like a gift and berate you, or being left out or passed over because I am gay.
6. We were planning a party and we needed to clean the house, cook the cookies, make the other food, and get ready.
7. Oh, my period started that day and I was severely PMS-ing with the erratic moods.
8. My cold from THANKSGIVING is still around and getting worse.

So, I was so crazed that I picked stupid fights with Peaches. I tried to rein it in but it kept busting through. Finally, I was getting ready and reached for my crystal rock deodorant. It fell into the sink, slid across the bowl of the sink and did an Evil Kenevil jump over the counter onto the trash can lid where it shattered into a zillion shards of odor killing sharpness. I stared at it and started sobbing. It was immensely stupid to cry over my deodorant but then that really was not what I was crying over, now was it.

Today is day two of my period so the irrational, hormone influenced emotions are gone. I have apologized to Peaches and together we processed "like good social workers" the whole fight picking incidents. She is a wonderful woman and I know I am very lucky to have her love.

The cookie party went well. Our many wonderful friends we had not seen in a while came and it was just so nice to sit in the room with loving friends. We saw a few more this morning for breakfast. Everyone is so supportive of the adoption, asking about it, offering help, expressing excitement at the prospects of this baby.

Tomorrow, I find out about the mole. I'll let you all know.

I got my plans on how to deal with my parents. Chica and Psycho Kitty are coming to Snapdragon's graduation so that will help buffer the parents. My therapist helped me rehearse what to say to set limits. It will be ok. It is just scary when you only have seen them twice in six years and both times sent you to therapy afterwards.

As for the manuscript, I have another journal picked out and just need to work on undoing the stupid edits of the evil reviewer.

I am going to Price Chopper tomorrow to buy another crystal deodorant.