MIA

I am here, sort of. I spend my days during the week at work, trying to focus, train my interns, provide treatment for the ever increasing number of children, prepare for Joint Commission, prepare for the upcoming maternity leave, and and stay calm. Nights are spent at the NICU with Hester and Peaches, as are weekends. The nurses have been kind enough to let us stay when their census is low. When we sleep there, they come get us for her feedings through the night. It is quite nice but we are sleep deprived. The thought of going home tonight after visiting Hester makes me want to cry with joy that 1) I can snuggle up with my wife again, 2) I will be in my own bed with our pets, and 3) I can snuggle up with my wife again. It is hard to sleep next to each other but not with each other. She sleeps on the hospital bed; I sleep on the chair/cot/thing.

When at work, I see Hester's cute face in front of me nearly the entire day. My heart and body longs to be with her again. When I get there and can hold her again, I feel at ease again. Tired but at ease. I believe babies exude sleepy pheromones. Also, serious lack of good sleep here.

Also, the boob thing is really weird for me. It seriously fucks with me on so many levels. My gender identity is all a wacky from the whole milk producing thing. Also being a survivor really messes with the whole breast feeding thing. I am really weirded out that I may have Hester suckling at my breast. Also, the whole pleasure from baby at the breast thing is just about enough to send me over the edge. But I am trying to breath and take it one day at a time.

So far, I am only getting colostrum. Drops to maybe 1/8th a teaspoon. Probably less. I started the fenugreek, blessed thistle, alfalfa, and goat's rue concoction. Delicious. My boxers are filled with the scent of maple. I think people must think of pancakes when I walk by. Thanks Fenugreek. The lactation consultant had me order the donperedon, which I did today. And my Hospital grade pump came to the house tonight, the Lactina. I get to pump every 3 hours for 15 minutes. Oh joy. Good bye sleep. Hello dark circles and bags.

I am going through with this despite not feeling 100% thrilled because I know it will be of benefit to my daughter. The trouble this causes me is temporary. Some day in the next year, my boobs will no longer be a milk factory and will go back to having only one job again. But the benefits to Hester will last much longer than the inconvenience to me.

Hester is doing well. She will be at the NICU for a few more weeks. I long to have her home so one can crash on the couch or bed when the other holds her.

We have been so bestowed by innumerable gifts from friends and family. It is amazing the amount of gifts and hand me downs that we have received already. I have not been home to see it all but Clementine brings the camera with pictures of the daily haul to the hospital for me to view. It is just amazing to see all the stuff. And even more amazing to see is the support and love from our community of friends and family. We are so truly blessed.

I miss my home. I need to pay bills. I need a hair cut. I need sleep. I gotta take my herbs and pump. I miss sleeping next to my wife. I long to be with my daughter. I gotta go catch the train.