Still

Weeks ago, right after I wrote the post about being mad at our priest, we got an opportunity to speak with her. We were sitting in church and her homily included stories about friends of hers who have a baby who has been in the hospital much of his life. She spoke of the importance of supporting those who are part of our community. I sat there and fumed. After, Clementine and I decided the topic of today's sermon set us up perfectly to talk to our priest about our concerns. We met with her and told her how we emailed her and the church but never heard back from them. She was clearly stunned that we had reached out but not been heard. Her surprise quelled my anger and let me see that it was truly a breakdown in the communication system. We recommended that they look into it and fix the problem so others pleas will be heard.

I was surprised to hear my voice grow heavy with sorrow and to see Clementine turn away to wipe her tears from her eyes as we told our priest. All those emotions that we could not feel at the time because we were in survival mode are now coming to the surface. In that moment, I understood why we are both so exhausted and have decreased emotional reserve since Hester's birth. Spending night after night with her in the hospital and then having to rush to our work every day only to worry about her all day took a such a toll upon us. I then thought that with time and care, we are returning to how we once were. But really, I know we will never be those two people, for now our family is three. We are bound together with Hester for the rest of our lives and beyond. Each day of our history together with Hester is written in our souls and hearts. Those weeks will always be with us and I do not think either of us will not get tearful as we remember seeing our daughter suffering.