My aunt died two weeks ago. My parents in all their wisdom, called me the next day at work. (Such a great choice of when and where to deliver news of some one's passing.) Anyway, it was for the best for she was very, gravely ill and in lots of pain. As they spoke, I started taking a survey of all I would need to do to get ready to go to her funeral. Then my parents told me not to come, that her own children would not be coming, and that there would not be a funeral, only a burial. My father then asked about Hester and was so relieved to hear that she was doing fine, with no developmental troubles from her extended hospitalization. As he was saying goodbye, he said to give Clementine a hug for them. This was a first for them to express any fondness toward Clementine. Death can do weird things to people.
The Sunday after I got the news, I was sitting in church and thinking about it all. I thought about how church and God has been used against me by my family and so many people. I thought about how I have been blamed for the schisms in my family. I thought about the new revelation that my Aunt was separated from her children for years, just like my mother. I thought about how hard I have tried over the years to be good, to follow Gods words, to try to heal my family, feeling that it was my fault some how. But now, now I see that it is a systemic pattern greater than my family. The traumas that my mother and her sister went through appear to have limited both from maintaining relationships with their children. All those years I tried to do what is good and right. All the years I prayed for help to mend things. All those years I thought it was my fault for setting limits, not being what she wanted me to be, for being myself. It was all a lie. It was all for nothing because it was not me.
I also thought about my Aunt. Didn't she deserve a funeral? Was she so awful that no one wanted one? Did no one see the kind heart she showed me? How could a sister lay to rest another and not want to celebrate her life?
Suddenly, church seemed like a big joke. I was angry to be there. I was angered by the talk of trying to heal relationships with others. It all seemed like a big load of crap.
Clementine and I talked about this and many things after church. Since then, I feel much better. I have resumed praying. But the anger about not knowing why things were as they are in my family still burns. Due to baby and poor time management, we have not gone to church since. But I am sure I will not be so angry but it may take some time before I can listen to talks of healing relationships or reaching out to others and not be cynical.
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6 comments:
Sometimes being in Church is a good place to be angry. I'm sorry for your aunt's passing, but more for the lack of celebration of her life (which is really what the funeral is all about). And I hope with all my heart that your parents continue down this road of acceptance and reaching out. (((Hashbrown)))
I hear you.
Hugs to you Petunia. What a lot of crap to have to plow through.
Family dynamics and relationships are a strange thing. I often wonder if it's a generational problem until I see the same things happening now with my own siblings. I think some of us have expectations that just go unmet, no matter what, but I don't think it means we should give up on the rest of the population. [this is very generic and sorry if it comes across minus the empathy I feel ... I figured the comment would get way too long if I wrote anything more specific.]
IMO, it is okay to take a break though, and I think your break is a growing period in your faith rather than a move away from it. I say that only because a theologian friend of mine once encouraged my doubts saying that it the only way in which we can grow in our faith.
I love how well you explained yourself in this post, and it's so great that you have a partner you can talk to about your feelings. I am sorry your family continues to let you down.
(and Hester's tooth shoes are precious.)
xoxoxoxoxo
-L
Thanks everyone. The funny thing is often I post these things after the issue is resolved or resolving. So when I write it, I am in a better space. But, it is still great to hear such support.
I have taken many breaks from religion in my life. However, I rarely take breaks from my faith and spirituality. I think my spirituality and faith are not really that disturbed by all of this but my trust in human translation of God's words is. But this is not anything new. Since the age of 12, I have seen the distinction between God and human interpretation. There is too much temptation to warp God's messages to fit our beliefs, desires, hopes, etc. I do not think most humans are able to seperate from those temptations. God's words are then warped and used as weapons. They are used to empower the powerful and strip power from the meek. They are used to cloud the rightous path of the faithful. This I learned so young and relearned again.
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