I am juggling three hats these next few days. I am not sure how it will turn out. I hope I can just keep everything in the air and if I must, shed tears alone or with Clementine.
The first hat is that of motherhood. I have not blogged much in the past few weeks because 1) I am busy caring for Hester, and 2) I am awash with a multitude of feelings. I feel joy to be witnessing this little life. I feel lost as I struggle to find out who I am as a mother. I feel fear that I will resort to my parents' style of parenting. I feel happiness when I hug her. I feel panic when she screams in her colicky time. I feel tired from disturbed sleep. I cannot wait to hold her again. I miss my old life. I marvel at how Clementine and I work together nearly seamlessly to accomplish all that needs to be done. I love Clementine and Hester more and more each day. I want to go back to work. I never want to go back to work. I think I am doing pretty good being a mother.
The next hat is that of music therapist. Even on my maternity leave, that life creeps in. I had go to a meeting with my intern and her professor. I had to interview a prospective intern for next year. I worked on documents for work. I proofed a manuscript for publication. I discussed and worked on a submission for presenting at the next national conference. I am bummed that I did so much on this time off but then I love my profession and my work so much. I have to go to a music therapy conference tomorrow for three and a half days. Hester may come down to join me on Thursday evening. If not, she and Clementine will join me Friday. I feel horrible leaving them for this conference. I don't really want to go but must take a course and I am on the regional executive board so I guess I have to go. But Hester has only been home for three weeks. But I miss my work life. It has been my passion for so long. How do I balance these two hats?
I have a third hat that I cannot speak much about. There was a civil rights violation and I am doing something about it. Tomorrow, I have a big, important meeting about this. I am nervous. I have never done such a thing before. But my lawyer told me to walk proudly and be strong for I am "wearing the hat of justice." My lawyer rocks! But this hat of justice is heavy and I have carried it for years and will continue to carry it for an unknown amount of time. But it is far lighter than carrying the weight of second class citizenship.
Next week, I start up with work again. I am tremendously sad this time is coming to an end. That is when the juggling act will begin in earnest.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
COM·MUTE - to travel back and forth regularly between a suburb and a city BLUES - a song often of lamentation
Friends who Blog
Blogs I Read
Stuff
- Weather
- Yahoo email
- Hotmail
- Library
- The Huffington Post
- National Public Radio
- PostSecret
- Stuff On My Cat
- Stuff On My Mutt
- American Music Therapy Association
- Voices, an international music therapy journal
- ACONE
- The Home for Little Wanderers
- The Cowboy Junkies
- Cowboy Junkies Live Session
- St. Mary-of-the-Woods College
- Colorado State University
Businesses I Support
About Me
- Hashbrown
- "When good people in any country cease their vigilance and struggle, then evil men prevail."Pearl S. Buck
7 comments:
"But I miss my work life. It has been my passion for so long. How do I balance these two hats?"
A friend gave me some really good advice a few years back, that I think can be adapted to lots of situations.
Back then I asked him "when will I go back to feeling like before (i.e. normal, good, etc.)?!?" *(after a devastating break-up) and he said "you won't". I thought it was the cruelest thing to say, but what he meant was that it was pointless to try to recapture a past state of self, and that instead I should focus on seeing who I was _now_ and who I wanted to be/become, at this point in my life.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, because with the huge changes in my life (new house, living with my new man and his 2 girls - basically living with a whole family when I had been basically living alone for 2 years) are really time-consuming (the quantity of extra cleaning, cooking, laundry, chores and tasks is daunting - and I work full time, then come home and do tons of "housework", then freelance until 1 am then wake up at 6 if I'm lucky, or earlier, and start the whole cycle again)... I have no time to be these days, I'm rushing to do freelance to pay extra "moving in" bills and such, it feels like I am constantly supposed to be doing something and have no time to just relax.
I was wondering when I'd finally be able to go back to seeing lots of movies and going out to the resto with friends, as before, then I remembered my friend's advice: it won't be like before. I have to see what I like about now, work on strenghtening that, find a healthy work/chores/personal/couple/family time balance, and discover what my new life is like.
I have no idea yet what the new 'me' will be like (too busy! lol) but so far I know that I like our family suppers, our weekly family meetings, and walking the youngest to school in the morning (and baking dessert on Monday night for our special "family meeting" night on Tuesday). I have to adapt to having very little privacy, though, that's a big change for me. And I need to make sure to fit in my friends in my busy life. And I want to do something creative (collage, photography, something), because otherwise I'll resent being just "utilitarian" (the work horse that brings in money/keeps the house working well), and I don't want to go down that road. ;)
Keep us posted on your own progress, I love your openness!
I think muse has great advice. I also am sure that although it will be hard you will be able to find a balance that works for you. I'm so glad you and Clementine have each other. You'll do great.
I'm keeping you in my prayers.
Hey Thanks Muse for writing such a great and long comment. I know that my life will be completely different now that Hester has come. It is funny that a little being can make such a huge impact on one's life.
Thanks Jenny and Frog for your kind words and prayers. I wrote this post in the middle of the night when everything crashes upon me. Even two hours later when I got up to feed Hester, everything seemed much better.
And today, after wearing my hat of justice, I am far less stressed about that thing. The whole hat of justice helped so much when I would get nervous. I imagined a knit hat that said JUSTICE across it upon my head and I would feel much better immediatly. Funny, huh?
Thanks everyone.
It gets easier to juggle, honey, it really does. You just sort of get used to it, plus, the kid stuff gets easier as they get a bit older. But it is odd, odd, this life.
I have no doubt you're doing a fabulous job, whichever hat.
xo
It is amazing how much our lives change when we start wearing the "Mommy hat" isn't it?
It sounds like you are all settling in very well.
The roller coaster ride does get a little smoother after the first few weeks at home.
Go easy on yourself - even though you love Hester with all of your heart, it is a huge adjustment for you.
Hang in there!
Reading your different hats sounds like a lot to me. I always wonder what it will be like for me when I become a mother and how it will affect my work.
Your work sounds so important to you (as it obvious from the amount of extra work you are doing for our profession during your "break"), but still has to be balanced with the new love you have in your life with Hester and your growing family. I don't know how that works, but it must work somehow. MT is hugely a field run by women, and women have babies. I sometimes wish that someone would have a conference presentation on how THAT works!
Good luck- I hope the conference was enlivening.
Post a Comment