When I was on maternity leave in March, I was asked to be a co-presenter at the American Music Therapy Association's conference in November. Our date for presenting was set months ago for November 15th in the morning. Then, a month or so ago, we were told that Hester's finalization was scheduled for Friday November 16th at 8 in the morning. I made my travel plans to go to the conference on Wednesday, present Thursday morning, get on a plane, and get home before 10 PM. Sounds like a good plan, huh?
The presentation went well and I left the hotel early, giving myself more than two hours to go through security, find my gate, and relax. It all went well until the flight boarded a bit late, but I had almost an hour layover so it was still OK. Then we pulled out onto the tarmac and stopped. The pilot said we would be waiting there for 45 minutes to take off. This put me into Chicago 15 minutes late for my connecting flight. I called my airline from the tarmac to rearrange my connecting flight. While on hold for ever, the pilot said to turn off cell phones because we were about to take off.
The whole way to Chicago, I was thinking of what to do. What if I could not get a flight? Could I rent a car and get home in time for the adoption? If I got to the airport by 5:30 AM, I could take the commuter rail home, change into my suit from the day before, and be there on time. If I got in later, I could borrow one of my coworkers truck and drive to the court house, wearing my suit from the day before. What if I could not be there? Would my wife or daughter ever forgive me for missing it? Could I ever forgive myself? What a horrible mother I am!
I got to Chicago and called the airline again. The woman found me the last seat on the next flight. As she told me I had a seat, I started to cry. I told her that I had to get home for my daughter's adoption and thanked her a zillion times. People in the airport must have thought I was crazy for I was still crying as I walked to the next concourse where my new flight was to take off from.
By the time I arrived, my flight had been delayed until 8:30 PM from 7:20 PM. Over the next hour and a half, it was delayed to 9:40 PM and the gate was changed twice and the concourse changed once. My concern then became will I get home in time for the shuttle service ride home. Their last shuttle is at 12:15 AM. The flight would make it, just barely.
We boarded the plane 30 minutes late and then the plane just sat there for another 45 minutes. I knew it would arrive later than 12:15 AM. Clementine had said to call her if I needed a ride home and she and Hester would come get me. I did not want to do that. Luckily, when I landed, I called the shuttle service and they were waiting for me outdoors. I booked it to the shuttle and got home at 2 AM.
I was thrilled that I made it home in time, that I was not a bad mother, and that I could share this very special day with my family, Hester and Clementine.
20 November, 2007
19 November, 2007
Adoption Day Festivities Recap
Friday was a big day for us as you may know; it was the day we finalized Hester's adoption. The court scheduled Hester's adoption on National Adoption Day. This was not our choice for we wanted the day to be a contemplative day not a circus. At eight, we arrived at the court house with 30 other families. 41 children were adopted on Friday in our city. The court house had planned different festivities including family portraits for each family, speeches by state politicians and others touched by adoption,and the appearance of a local mascot. We were joined by our social worker, her intern, the lawyer appointed to us, a CASA volunteer, and the court personnel.
The actual adoption finalization was not very exciting. The judge asked us some questions about how it was going with Hester, how she was doing, what we did for work, and such. She then signed two pieces of paper and it was done. Hester was as of that moment legally our daughter as she had been in our hearts since she was born. We took pictures with the judge and she gave us some gifts for Hester. It was really a very nice day.
Saturday, we invited our and Hester's friends over for a pizza party to celebrate. Hester had a wonderful time playing with her friends and weenjoyed the company of so many friends who have given us so much supportthrough this entire process. Thanks to everyone.
We are thrilled that the entire adoption process is complete. However,in our joy to be a family with our daughter, we remember her first family and their loss. We remember the joy in her birth father's eyes when he held her. We remember how her birth mother gave us advise and celebrated with us our new motherhood. We remember her birth brother brought her gifts. We are blessed each day to see Hester's smile but are aware that her first family do not have that joy. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.
We are now free of social workers and adoption agencies which is great! No longer do we need the doctor to sign forms each time she sees Hester. No longer do we have to get special permission to travel with our daughter. Once the paperwork from the finalization is sent to us, we will get Hester her social security card and her first bank account. It is wonderful to take these steps forward now with her.
Thank you to all the blog friends and readers who have offered support and a listening ear through this entire process. Your comments, thoughts, and prayers have made a huge difference in us and our ability to cope with and celebrate every step of this process. I hope that some day we can do the same for you.
The actual adoption finalization was not very exciting. The judge asked us some questions about how it was going with Hester, how she was doing, what we did for work, and such. She then signed two pieces of paper and it was done. Hester was as of that moment legally our daughter as she had been in our hearts since she was born. We took pictures with the judge and she gave us some gifts for Hester. It was really a very nice day.
Saturday, we invited our and Hester's friends over for a pizza party to celebrate. Hester had a wonderful time playing with her friends and weenjoyed the company of so many friends who have given us so much supportthrough this entire process. Thanks to everyone.
We are thrilled that the entire adoption process is complete. However,in our joy to be a family with our daughter, we remember her first family and their loss. We remember the joy in her birth father's eyes when he held her. We remember how her birth mother gave us advise and celebrated with us our new motherhood. We remember her birth brother brought her gifts. We are blessed each day to see Hester's smile but are aware that her first family do not have that joy. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.
We are now free of social workers and adoption agencies which is great! No longer do we need the doctor to sign forms each time she sees Hester. No longer do we have to get special permission to travel with our daughter. Once the paperwork from the finalization is sent to us, we will get Hester her social security card and her first bank account. It is wonderful to take these steps forward now with her.
Thank you to all the blog friends and readers who have offered support and a listening ear through this entire process. Your comments, thoughts, and prayers have made a huge difference in us and our ability to cope with and celebrate every step of this process. I hope that some day we can do the same for you.
17 November, 2007
Thoughts on the L Word
We just finished watching the fourth season of the L Word. I actually like a few of the story lines this time, finally. They are doing a better job representing lesbians and transgender people. And they added some more people of color. I do hope that Jenny's boat is lost at sea and she never returns to the show. Also, I hope that Jenny stole the theme song and has it in the boat with her so it too will be lost at sea forever!
16 November, 2007
Finalization
It was an anti-climatic ceremony but it is all done. Legally, we are now a family, which we have been in our hearts since we met Hester. I love you, Hester. Clementine, thank you for opening my life up to so many things I never dreamed I could feel or be.
09 November, 2007
08 November, 2007
The Saga of the Origional Birth Certificate
My darling Clementine is amazing. When she puts her mind to it, she can accomplish anything. When her heart is involved, that women will move mountains to do what is right. This is one of many reasons I love her. Our state has a new law that seals all original birth certificates for children born up to some date in the future that I don't remember and that is not really necessary. All that is necessary is that Hester would not have access to her own original birth certificate until the laws changed. But Clementine had her heart in getting the original birth certificate for our daughter and she did it. She is my shero.
The upcoming finalization of Hester's adoption entails the issuing of a new birth certificate with Clementine and my names on it in the parent boxes. We legally become her parents that day and from that day forth, she legally becomes her wonderfully long, immensely meaningful, and beautiful name we chose for her. However, on that day, she is no longer her equally wonderful, immensely meaningful, beautiful name her birth parents choose for her. Her birth mother gave Hester her own first name, her mothers name for Hester's middle name, and her husband's last name.
I remember Ms. Stork, our social worker's words, that we hold Hester's adoption story for her until she is old enough to learn it and understand it. A part of that story is our memories of our time with her and her birth parents and brother. Another part of that story is our memories of our time with her, watching her grow up. Another part is the paperwork that documents her connection to her birth family. This includes her birth family's adoption plan, her prenatal reports, her first foot print from after her birth, photos of her with her birth family, and her original birth certificate. It is vital for Hester to have every piece of information we can give her so she knows who she is, who her birth family is, and how she came to our family.
As you may know, my mother and aunt were sisters who were adopted together. When I was 16, my mother started her search for her birth family. She was at least 40. Her questions about who her birth family was and who she was finally were answered, sort of. Sadly, when she and her sister tracked down their birth father, he was dead. They thought they found their birth mother but she denied she was their birth mother. They did find cousins and aunts and uncles. Many questions were answered. Pictures of their parents were produced. Stories about them told. My mother finally found out that the family gave them to the state as an act of love and protection, not of abandonment as they had thought for many years. I don't want my daughter to ever think she was abandoned. She never was.
So the original birth certificate is a small piece we can give to Hester so she does not have to question "who am I" any more than any teenager or adult does. It is also a small piece that tells her that she was not abandoned or unloved by her birth family, as evidenced by their chosen names for her. It is a part of her adoption story that we hold for her.
This is why it is so important to us to get it. I am speaking for myself but I think my wife will agree, what comes off as mixed feelings is the combination of happiness, joy, relief that Hester is ours and sadness and grief that Hester's final legal connection to her birth family will be erased when her name is changed and her parents are changed on the birth certificate and that her birth parents don't get to see this amazing child's smile every day.
Her birth father repeated over and over those first days of her life that we are all family now. And it is true, we are all bonded together through Hester. And like any other family member, you remember them on days that are anniversaries of good time and hard times. We will always remember them on days of importance with Hester, as well on days of the ordinary.
The upcoming finalization of Hester's adoption entails the issuing of a new birth certificate with Clementine and my names on it in the parent boxes. We legally become her parents that day and from that day forth, she legally becomes her wonderfully long, immensely meaningful, and beautiful name we chose for her. However, on that day, she is no longer her equally wonderful, immensely meaningful, beautiful name her birth parents choose for her. Her birth mother gave Hester her own first name, her mothers name for Hester's middle name, and her husband's last name.
I remember Ms. Stork, our social worker's words, that we hold Hester's adoption story for her until she is old enough to learn it and understand it. A part of that story is our memories of our time with her and her birth parents and brother. Another part of that story is our memories of our time with her, watching her grow up. Another part is the paperwork that documents her connection to her birth family. This includes her birth family's adoption plan, her prenatal reports, her first foot print from after her birth, photos of her with her birth family, and her original birth certificate. It is vital for Hester to have every piece of information we can give her so she knows who she is, who her birth family is, and how she came to our family.
As you may know, my mother and aunt were sisters who were adopted together. When I was 16, my mother started her search for her birth family. She was at least 40. Her questions about who her birth family was and who she was finally were answered, sort of. Sadly, when she and her sister tracked down their birth father, he was dead. They thought they found their birth mother but she denied she was their birth mother. They did find cousins and aunts and uncles. Many questions were answered. Pictures of their parents were produced. Stories about them told. My mother finally found out that the family gave them to the state as an act of love and protection, not of abandonment as they had thought for many years. I don't want my daughter to ever think she was abandoned. She never was.
So the original birth certificate is a small piece we can give to Hester so she does not have to question "who am I" any more than any teenager or adult does. It is also a small piece that tells her that she was not abandoned or unloved by her birth family, as evidenced by their chosen names for her. It is a part of her adoption story that we hold for her.
This is why it is so important to us to get it. I am speaking for myself but I think my wife will agree, what comes off as mixed feelings is the combination of happiness, joy, relief that Hester is ours and sadness and grief that Hester's final legal connection to her birth family will be erased when her name is changed and her parents are changed on the birth certificate and that her birth parents don't get to see this amazing child's smile every day.
Her birth father repeated over and over those first days of her life that we are all family now. And it is true, we are all bonded together through Hester. And like any other family member, you remember them on days that are anniversaries of good time and hard times. We will always remember them on days of importance with Hester, as well on days of the ordinary.
GHBeads
Yeah, so hey, did you all read about Aqua Dots? How they contain GHB, the date rape drug? Nice! Even nicer, the conversation I heard on the train tonight.
Man 1: So do your kids have those beads that were recalled? What are they called?
Man 2: Aqua Dots. No, they don't have any.
Man 1: Yeah, did you hear how they had GBH on them.
Woman: GHB. It's GHB.
Man 1: Oh yeah, the date rape drug. I wonder how many people have bought the Aqua Dots to slip to women in bars. laughing
Luckily, no one else laughed.
Yeah, so hey, don't let your 2 year old eat the Aqua Dots beads. Oh yeah, don't let 2 year olds play with beads unless they are the size of a large Chicken McNugget.
Man 1: So do your kids have those beads that were recalled? What are they called?
Man 2: Aqua Dots. No, they don't have any.
Man 1: Yeah, did you hear how they had GBH on them.
Woman: GHB. It's GHB.
Man 1: Oh yeah, the date rape drug. I wonder how many people have bought the Aqua Dots to slip to women in bars. laughing
Luckily, no one else laughed.
Yeah, so hey, don't let your 2 year old eat the Aqua Dots beads. Oh yeah, don't let 2 year olds play with beads unless they are the size of a large Chicken McNugget.
07 November, 2007
Singing the Blues
Yesterday, I was singing the blues, the commuter blues for real. On my late days, I drive in and park at a subway station. On the drive in, I was trying to stay awake so I drank my coffee and a juice. The subway ride is 30-45 minutes long. About 5 minutes into it, I felt the effects of the coffee and juice in my bladder. But all the stops on the subway there are residential areas. I tried to distract myself by knitting Clementine's Christmas present, but did not work. My urgency to go made me F it up many times which made me have to frog it over and over. Finally, the subway approached stops with restaurants where I knew there were restrooms. I stared at the map and pondered which was the best bet. I settled on waiting one more stop because there's a Starbucks very close to the T and they always have restrooms (except that one in Central Square, bastards). I booked it out of the subway, up the stairs, and over to the Starbucks. Imagine my delight to see the door to the woman's bathroom slightly ajar. No more waiting. Since the store was busy, and since I still had to ride across town to work and did not want to repeat my urgent bathroom seeking, I snuck out without purchasing a drink. I ended up being 10 minutes late but I arrived MUCH HAPPIER than I was early into the subway ride.
06 November, 2007
Crisis in the Church
My aunt died two weeks ago. My parents in all their wisdom, called me the next day at work. (Such a great choice of when and where to deliver news of some one's passing.) Anyway, it was for the best for she was very, gravely ill and in lots of pain. As they spoke, I started taking a survey of all I would need to do to get ready to go to her funeral. Then my parents told me not to come, that her own children would not be coming, and that there would not be a funeral, only a burial. My father then asked about Hester and was so relieved to hear that she was doing fine, with no developmental troubles from her extended hospitalization. As he was saying goodbye, he said to give Clementine a hug for them. This was a first for them to express any fondness toward Clementine. Death can do weird things to people.
The Sunday after I got the news, I was sitting in church and thinking about it all. I thought about how church and God has been used against me by my family and so many people. I thought about how I have been blamed for the schisms in my family. I thought about the new revelation that my Aunt was separated from her children for years, just like my mother. I thought about how hard I have tried over the years to be good, to follow Gods words, to try to heal my family, feeling that it was my fault some how. But now, now I see that it is a systemic pattern greater than my family. The traumas that my mother and her sister went through appear to have limited both from maintaining relationships with their children. All those years I tried to do what is good and right. All the years I prayed for help to mend things. All those years I thought it was my fault for setting limits, not being what she wanted me to be, for being myself. It was all a lie. It was all for nothing because it was not me.
I also thought about my Aunt. Didn't she deserve a funeral? Was she so awful that no one wanted one? Did no one see the kind heart she showed me? How could a sister lay to rest another and not want to celebrate her life?
Suddenly, church seemed like a big joke. I was angry to be there. I was angered by the talk of trying to heal relationships with others. It all seemed like a big load of crap.
Clementine and I talked about this and many things after church. Since then, I feel much better. I have resumed praying. But the anger about not knowing why things were as they are in my family still burns. Due to baby and poor time management, we have not gone to church since. But I am sure I will not be so angry but it may take some time before I can listen to talks of healing relationships or reaching out to others and not be cynical.
The Sunday after I got the news, I was sitting in church and thinking about it all. I thought about how church and God has been used against me by my family and so many people. I thought about how I have been blamed for the schisms in my family. I thought about the new revelation that my Aunt was separated from her children for years, just like my mother. I thought about how hard I have tried over the years to be good, to follow Gods words, to try to heal my family, feeling that it was my fault some how. But now, now I see that it is a systemic pattern greater than my family. The traumas that my mother and her sister went through appear to have limited both from maintaining relationships with their children. All those years I tried to do what is good and right. All the years I prayed for help to mend things. All those years I thought it was my fault for setting limits, not being what she wanted me to be, for being myself. It was all a lie. It was all for nothing because it was not me.
I also thought about my Aunt. Didn't she deserve a funeral? Was she so awful that no one wanted one? Did no one see the kind heart she showed me? How could a sister lay to rest another and not want to celebrate her life?
Suddenly, church seemed like a big joke. I was angry to be there. I was angered by the talk of trying to heal relationships with others. It all seemed like a big load of crap.
Clementine and I talked about this and many things after church. Since then, I feel much better. I have resumed praying. But the anger about not knowing why things were as they are in my family still burns. Due to baby and poor time management, we have not gone to church since. But I am sure I will not be so angry but it may take some time before I can listen to talks of healing relationships or reaching out to others and not be cynical.
05 November, 2007
Gifts
Canada started this. Then Clementine was next. Now I am doing my part.
So the first five readers who email me will get a present. Send me your address, if I don't know it already.
So the first five readers who email me will get a present. Send me your address, if I don't know it already.
Check out the Price Tag
This coffee was a gift from a missionary who brought a child to the hospital for care. She was very impressed with music therapy and it's effects upon this child. She gave me the MOST EXPENSIVE COFFEE EVER! Check out the price tag!
$ 93 coffee! Clearly, she is a very generous person.
04 November, 2007
02 November, 2007
Crappy Morning (Literally)
Here is my day so far.
1. Slept like crap. I was too hot then too cold. I woke up a zillion times. I worried about a presentation today. I had dreams about having to take care of my mother. Not dreams, more nightmares of responsibility that is unwanted.
2. I got up and went to feed the cats. I stepped in some animals puke in my bare feet. Delicious and cold. So I cleaned that up.
3. I get out of the shower and am doing deodorant and such. I see one of the cats pooped outside of the litter box. I clean that up.
4. Since she only does this when the litter box is 1. very full of poop or 2. Reuben had stinky diarrhea again, I clean out the poop from the litter pan. I go to flush it and the toilet clogs from Reuben's gigantic nasty diarrhea poops. (he keeps eating things he should not which is making the gigantic smelly diarrheas) I am still naked and have not even styled my hair yet. So I plunge the kitty poop clog. Oh so fun at 5:20 AM.
Hope your day is better!
1. Slept like crap. I was too hot then too cold. I woke up a zillion times. I worried about a presentation today. I had dreams about having to take care of my mother. Not dreams, more nightmares of responsibility that is unwanted.
2. I got up and went to feed the cats. I stepped in some animals puke in my bare feet. Delicious and cold. So I cleaned that up.
3. I get out of the shower and am doing deodorant and such. I see one of the cats pooped outside of the litter box. I clean that up.
4. Since she only does this when the litter box is 1. very full of poop or 2. Reuben had stinky diarrhea again, I clean out the poop from the litter pan. I go to flush it and the toilet clogs from Reuben's gigantic nasty diarrhea poops. (he keeps eating things he should not which is making the gigantic smelly diarrheas) I am still naked and have not even styled my hair yet. So I plunge the kitty poop clog. Oh so fun at 5:20 AM.
Hope your day is better!
Meme from JPP
5 good, 5 bad
5 things I am bad at.
1. Letting things roll off my back.
2. Keeping up with my blog.
3. Spelling and grammar!!!
4. Confronting.
5. Keeping my work desk tidy.
5 things I am good at.
1. My job.
2. Knitting.
3. Thinking critically.
4. Carving Pumpkins.
5. House painting.
5 things I am bad at.
1. Letting things roll off my back.
2. Keeping up with my blog.
3. Spelling and grammar!!!
4. Confronting.
5. Keeping my work desk tidy.
5 things I am good at.
1. My job.
2. Knitting.
3. Thinking critically.
4. Carving Pumpkins.
5. House painting.
Tooth Shoes
I guess there is an old tradition that who ever sees the baby's first tooth has to buy the baby new shoes. Well, two weeks ago, I saw it first and got the honor. I did not want to get ordinary shoes or another pair of Robeez, although those are very nice shoes for babies. In an Internet search, I found See Kai Run shoes. While looking through the different styles, I found the Neo and fell in LOVE immediately. See why?
I mean, have you ever seen a cuter pair of Mary Janes? I even want a pair if they ever made adult shoes and I cannot stand Mary Janes. But they are so fabulous and bold and fun!!
Being a frugal sort of gal, I searched the internet for the store that had them at the best price with the best shipping options. I found babyboat.com where Robeez and See Kai Run shoes are sold without shipping costs. I then found a 5% off coupon on-line! Wee hoo! Don't you just love a bargain. I ordered them over the weekend and they came in last night. We put them on Hester immediately and let her wear them the rest of the evening. The shoes are soft leather with a good rubber sole. Hester looks so very cute in them! They also have great traction so she cruised around the living room much steadier all evening! I will post pictures of Hester in her Tooth Shoes soon so come back for the loveliness!
I mean, have you ever seen a cuter pair of Mary Janes? I even want a pair if they ever made adult shoes and I cannot stand Mary Janes. But they are so fabulous and bold and fun!!Being a frugal sort of gal, I searched the internet for the store that had them at the best price with the best shipping options. I found babyboat.com where Robeez and See Kai Run shoes are sold without shipping costs. I then found a 5% off coupon on-line! Wee hoo! Don't you just love a bargain. I ordered them over the weekend and they came in last night. We put them on Hester immediately and let her wear them the rest of the evening. The shoes are soft leather with a good rubber sole. Hester looks so very cute in them! They also have great traction so she cruised around the living room much steadier all evening! I will post pictures of Hester in her Tooth Shoes soon so come back for the loveliness!
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