Gone?

I stopped the domperidone last week for it had been six weeks and that is as long as my doctor said I could take it. It is a medication that stimulates lactation. Up to that point, I was making an ounce a day and was pretty happy about it. But my milk quickly diminished to mere droplets within a week. I am so sad that it may be ending. I liked making milk for Hester. I really worked hard to embrace it and move through my emotional shit to get to a good place about breasts, babies, and milk. And I did it. But now, it seems like it is gone and I am done. I have been too sad to pump the last two days. However, I still get droplets after showers. I am still taking the herbal cocktail, yummo. Yesterday, I called the lactation consultants at Hester's hospital to see what they had to say. When Hester was discharged, they said to call if I had any questions or concerns. I have not heard back from them. I hope there is something more I can do but if not, I guess it will be over. It went by to quickly.

Conversation One Week Ago

During pumping late at night on the last night at the hospital.

Hashbrown: Clementine! Clementine! I am squirting like a cow.

Clementine (laughing): You did not just say that! (Pause) Let me see!

More Milk Please

Tonight, I pumped enough milk that it dripped down into the bottles. I carefully poured it together into one bottle, scraped every drop from the different parts of the pump mechanism and showed it to Clementine. Together, we went to Hester's nurse and showed her what I made. She gathered it into a syringe and was very respectful of my small amount of milk. She actually said she was amazed since I did not give birth. The grand total of milk was 7 ml. She stored it in the breast milk fridge at the hospital. I am off to pump one more time before going to bed. Wish me luck!

Boob-Flash

So, Saturday was a tough day for me, and probably tougher for Clementine. She really is a saint to deal with me and my crazy shifting emotions. The hormonal changes in me are really making me more negative and then I have tons of negative messages running through my brain. It is hard to keep it all out.

Saturday was the big day for the supplemental nursing system (SNS). The lactation consultant was to bring one by for Hester's three o'clock feeding. As the morning progressed into afternoon, I went ballistic about lunch and missing meals and god knows what else. Poor Clementine had to be the target for my anger. Finally, after much crying and confusion on my part, I went to the bathroom to get myself together. I thought quietly about what is underneath all my anger and tears and saw the fears of breast feeding fueling my fire as well as my sadness about my parent's disinterest in my child. But mostly, the breast thing. I felt so scared of having to confront one of my dark places.

I came out and told Clementine what was going on and what I needed her to say when I got upset or frustrated. She was great and said she would try. I then apologized a ton of times for being such a crazy loon. It is awful when you strike out at those who are closest to you because you are so distressed. It is so counterproductive and awful.

So three o'clock came around and Hester awoke on cue for lunch. The nurse for Hester was a new mother (3 months) who has been nursing and had lots of great calming advise about her struggles with nursing. The lactation consultant came with the SNS and put it on me. Then, everyone, Clementine included, helped me to get Hester to latch on and start nursing. It was an amazing experience. She nursed for a bit and took 1 ounce of formula. She then got disorganized, as is one of the symptoms of her illness, and so I switched her to the bottle to insure she gets enough food. Later that day, when I pumped, the nipple she had latched onto had more droplets than ever before.

The actual act of nursing was not bad at all. It was a bit weird to have three people hovering over my breast, moving it this way and that. The feeling of Hester suckling was strong and so natural. I do not have any words to adequately describe it. I have done the SNS once each day since and every time she latches on, a powerful, primal feeling comes over me and I want to cry. These are tears of joy, not fear or sadness or loss. It is primal in that it is such an ancient feeling, like I am connected to all the mothers who have walked the earth before me, like that I am fulfilling some basic woman/breast function that completes me in ways I never knew I was incomplete. It is healing.

My friend, Ohio, has been a great support. She also was abused as a child and found the whole breastfeeding thing and parts of raising her children overwhelming with her abuse history. She is so wise and told me that it is not OK to have children in order to heal ourselves but it is OK to heal ourselves as we care for our children. Thanks Ohio.

A Tale of Two Titties

Here is the straight scoop on the boobs. Within one or two days of Hester's birth, my breasts started to hurt but different from the period hurt. It was centralized around the nipple. But then my period came and I was just thinking it was wicked early (2 weeks) because of the stress and the breast pain was period related.

Then, I noticed leaking from both nipples. On my 40th birthday, I pumped and got colostrum. I freaked out! But then, that Monday, I called my PCP and discussed the medication I take for acid reflux and if I could nurse with that. I then told the nurses at the NICU and asked to talk to the lactation consultant. The nurses so did not believe me. Well, to be fair, some did, others did not.

I met with the lactation consultant the following Saturday and she showed me how to pump. She instructed me to pump every three hours for 15 minutes. The nurse came to check after I finished and confirmed that it was colostrum. The nurses then wanted me to talk to the neonatalogist who is caring for Hester before nursing. I did and he wanted me to wait a week and see what happened. Meanwhile, the lactation consultant had me start fenugreek, to which I also added goats rue, blessed thistle, and alfalfa. Midweek, when I spoke to her again, she suggested I order domperidone, which I did.

That next weekend, last weekend, I spoke to another lactation consultant who was great. She taught us how to do Kangaroo care and also spoke of our many options for breast feeding. She explained the supplemental nursing system and that they could set us up with one. I felt better than I had in weeks about this breast feeding thing.

Then, that Monday, the nurses tell the other lactation consultant, not me, that they want me to see my PCP and rule out that it is not pituitary tumors causing me to lactate. Nice. So I made an appointment and saw my doctor Thursday. I was so nervous to have to explain it to her after having not felt the love from others about it. She was great and so supportive. I got the OK to breast feed from her. So I called and told the nurses and asked if the neonatalogist needed to speak to my doctor about it. He did not and they said they were just wanting to be sure I was healthy. So I called the lactation department and asked to meet with someone this weekend to learn how to use the supplemental nursing system.

I also emailed the adoption resource center and La Leche League International to see if they had any material documenting such a case. No one did. The La Leche League woman said "That is amazing! " I feel a bit like a freak of nature but Clementine, my most wonderful love, said, "You're a legend!" She is the best. Except when I asked her if my breasts had grown and she said "They are HUGE!" Not the language I wanted to hear right then.

I continued to and still do continue to get drops of colostrum. I am hopeful that the domperidone will make a difference. I dream of making enough milk to feed my child. Wish me luck.

This is a huge change for me. Remember this? I will write more but I gotta catch a train right NOW!

Suprise!

So, yeah, on my 40th birthday, I ascertained that yes, I have started to lactate. Spontaneously. No herbs or medication at all. Just my boobs and a baby. I did not even try to breast feed.

What the fuck?

I have spoken with my doctor, the lactation consultant, and the nurses at the NICU. The neonatalogist called last night to say he would write a script for a hospital grade breast pump. I am going on to the fenugreek and the rest of the herbal cocktail to produce more milk. As freaked as I have been about it, there is no doubt in my mind that this is a gift I can give my daughter.

Gotta shower and go to work.

Crazy boobs.