We were talking about our someday-adopted baby the other day. AJWP told me about a product she heard about on the La Leche League’s website. It is a contraption for adoptive mothers to breast feed their children. We discussed how she would be comfortable with it. I got sort of anxious as I thought about it. She explained how having skin on skin contact with the baby helps in the bonding process both ways. AJWP, always super supportive of me, saw me grimacing suggested I could nurse the child with a bottle topless to get the skin on skin bonding thing going. She said my nervousness would fade quickly and that in no time, I would be comfortable showering with the baby.
I just don’t know. Really, I don’t. I understand it in my head, partially, but the rest of me feels like this is a danger zone I must avoid completely. No nakeness with the baby (well, of course it will be naked when bathing, getting changed, getting dressed, etc.). I know this is a direct result of being molested as a child by a woman. I have overly compensated with my boundaries around children to avoid EVER doing something like that to any child. I do know what not to do, but don’t know what to do. I hate it that she, the one who abused me, still messes with me after so many years.
I am sure I will be fine with this once our baby comes home and the baby and I get used to one another. I am sure I will talk with my therapist about these feelings. I am sure the patient AJWP will reassure me lovingly and walk with me through this dark place within my soul. I just was carrying around this fear since we started talking about having a baby and wanted to put it somewhere. So I am turning off the comments because I know I am all right, I know this is normal given my history, and because I know it will work out ok. I just wanted to say it.
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