Am I a Man?

I got sir-d on the street yesterday. Some man called me "Sir" as he approached me for money for food. He apologized profusely after seeing his mistake. The other day, it happened on the train. The conductor said, "Good morning, sir." and then immediately apologized after seeing his mistake. He sees me nearly every morning and looked very embarrassed. Later, AJWP and I were heading to the bathroom at a rest-stop on the Pike and this woman was walking out of the restroom. Her eyes got all wide and started to open her mouth, but then realized I was a woman and smiled sheepishly at me.

My mother used to accuse me of trying to be a man, as I would dress androgynously or engage in “non-lady-like” activities or even try to discuss with her about being a lesbian. She could never understand that being a lesbian is not about being a man. It is about expressing my sexuality as I am, a woman who is attracted to women. It gets confusing when you add in gender role expression. I am not a feminine woman who likes dresses and lace. I like button up shirts, jeans, long shorts, Doc Martins, and boxers. I also like to cook, knit, and cry easily at romantic movies. I hate make-up and fingernail polish and wear my hair very short. But I paint my toenails with bright colors and sparkles. I am a mixture of male and female roles. I am a queer woman. And I am happy as I am.

I know that my marriage sort of resemble a very traditional male/female marriage on the outside. I commute to work, travel for work, use power tools, repair broken things, etc. AJWP works from home caring for children, does the bulk of the house cleaning, does much of the laundry, organizes our social schedule, etc. Somedays I feel like my female friends are starting to interact with me like I am the male in a couple. I don't get asked to decorate for parties and weddings but AJWP does. They discuss cooking, house work, and crafting with her. They attempt to commiserate with my wife about husband trouble. It is so weird because I am not a man nor am I trying to resemble one.

I wonder if people, even our close friends, still struggle to see us as we really are instead of lumping us into the preset categories we all have in our minds. We look like a traditional male/female marriage so I wonder if people just view us that way. But we are not. What we are doing is radically different. We have co-opted the traditional heterosexual rights of passage such as buying a house, getting married, and having kids and made those rights of passage our own. It is radical because we are most definitely two woman doing this, not male and female or butch and fem. We are both woman so we interact and negotiate, I believe, vastly different from many heterosexual couples.

I think it may be easier to see things in the pre-existing categories we all have in our heads rather than seeing something as it really is. Our marriage, and believe me we know this, looks so very traditional but it is so very radical as well.