27 March, 2008
12 March, 2008
New Train Schedule + Time Change = Tired Lady
In order to improve on-time service, the MBTA has changed their schedule. What they have done is extend the amount of time the trip is supposed to take rather than improve their ability to arrive a the time they specified. This means my train that used to leave at 6:06 AM leaves at 5:43 AM. Now normally, a 20+ minute change would not be a huge deal except that it is the ass crack of the morning. I have to get up at 4:30 AM to get ready on time. Why so long, you may ask? Because at the ass crack of the morning, even putting on a sock is a huge undertaking. I have to leave the house by 5:30 AM to drive to the station, park, pay my $1 parking, and walk to the train. (Yes, I did say $1 and it is not a typo. Crazy, huh?)
So this was painful enough for a few weeks but then came the time change. Now, 4:30 AM is the old 3:30 AM. I cannot even find my face to put on my glasses, let alone get showered, dressed, and find the car. It is 8 PM and I am considering going to bed now; I am that tired.
So this was painful enough for a few weeks but then came the time change. Now, 4:30 AM is the old 3:30 AM. I cannot even find my face to put on my glasses, let alone get showered, dressed, and find the car. It is 8 PM and I am considering going to bed now; I am that tired.
@#%$!!!!!
Yesterday morning, I was driving in to work. Things were great; I was listening to Morning Edition (Bob Oaks is the bomb). And suddenly, there was a growing noise from the rear of the car. I was not anywhere near an exit from the Pike. I kept going in hopes of getting off at the Cambridge/Alston tolls. No such luck. The tire blew and started flapping and the steering got wonky. So I pulled over to the right lane as there was no shoulder. I was driving on the rim by then and decided I better stop. My hazards went on the second the tire blew so I hoped and prayed people would see them and get over. It was so scary. Cars came up on me so fast, not slowing down until the last moments. I was so scared for my life and safety. I called AAA immediately and they contacted the State Police who help out on the Pike. Within a few minutes, a man showed up who worked for the towing company that was coming to help me out. He tried flagging traffic away but the drivers were not paying attention. He came back to me and said we had to drive on because someone would get killed. So I drove on the rim to a pull off place. By then, the tow truck had arrived. He changed my tire there with me in the car. It was weird but less scary. However, I was still quite frightened for the tow truck man because cars were whizzing by at 70+ MPH. I was able to call Clementine and tell her I was OK and what had happened. When my car was back in order and the AAA paperwork finished, I drove on into work. I I called Clementine to let her know I was OK, I had stopped at a Starbucks to have diarrhea and a coffee. Lovely. The car was fixed while I was at work to the tune of $158. But I don't care. I had the money in my account and I am alive.
10 March, 2008
Happy 7th Civil Union
Today is the anniversary of our 7th Civil Union. Seven years ago, Clementine and I got up on a snowy, icy morning and drove to Vermont. We barely arrived in time at the town clerk's office to get our paperwork. Then, that afternoon, we were married in the library of the bed and breakfast where we were staying. Only Clementine, the Justice of the Peace and I were there. That was a good thing because we each wrote a paragraph to about why we were marrying the other and we both SOBBED. Clementine almost had to stop the ceremony to gain her composure. It was a beautiful day.
I did not expect that it would have such a huge emotional impact upon me. When we decided to do it, we were engaged and planning our church wedding. Bush had recently taken office and we were concerned that he would work to take away civil unions from VT. So we made plans and went up, more as a political statement and to be counted. But, pledging one's life to another person is HUGE. Since that day, we have been married twice more, once in a church and the other was our legal marriage. Each still brought tears to our eyes and choked our voices with emotion as we once again pledged ourselves to each other.
As I pondered what to give Clementine for today, I came across an old flier for this book. Immediately, I knew it was perfect. When it came in the mail, I looked through it to see if we were in any of the pictures, since we were at many of the rallies and all of the Constitutional Conventions. Alas, we were not, but seeing those pictures brought back the enormity of the fight for our rights. The fact that we are protected and have the same rights as others in this state is really huge.
I read someone's blog where the person said she did not believe in gay marriage for it does not equal a straight marriage in rights. True. We do not have most federal rights. Our taxes are filed jointly for the state but individually for federal. Because my company has a federal dental insurance, not state contract, I cannot put Clementine on my policy. We could not change our passports to match our married name. And the list of inequities goes on.
But, we gained so much in this state when we got married. We could buy a house together as straight couples do. We could file taxes jointly. We could change our name when we were married. When hospitalized, we have access to each other. When our daughter goes to the doctor, either can take her without any fuss. We were able to adopt her and be on the amended birth certificate as her parents. And the list of gains goes on.
However, the biggest gain is the depth added to our relationship. Our love grows each day. Our commitment to each other deepens each day. But when we said those words to each other, witnessed by the Justice of the Peace, then our community, then by JPP, Orca, an NPR reporter, and a photographer from the Globe, have had the greatest impact upon our relationship. I am so very lucky to know, love, and be loved by Clementine.
Clementine, you are my heart.
I did not expect that it would have such a huge emotional impact upon me. When we decided to do it, we were engaged and planning our church wedding. Bush had recently taken office and we were concerned that he would work to take away civil unions from VT. So we made plans and went up, more as a political statement and to be counted. But, pledging one's life to another person is HUGE. Since that day, we have been married twice more, once in a church and the other was our legal marriage. Each still brought tears to our eyes and choked our voices with emotion as we once again pledged ourselves to each other.
As I pondered what to give Clementine for today, I came across an old flier for this book. Immediately, I knew it was perfect. When it came in the mail, I looked through it to see if we were in any of the pictures, since we were at many of the rallies and all of the Constitutional Conventions. Alas, we were not, but seeing those pictures brought back the enormity of the fight for our rights. The fact that we are protected and have the same rights as others in this state is really huge.
I read someone's blog where the person said she did not believe in gay marriage for it does not equal a straight marriage in rights. True. We do not have most federal rights. Our taxes are filed jointly for the state but individually for federal. Because my company has a federal dental insurance, not state contract, I cannot put Clementine on my policy. We could not change our passports to match our married name. And the list of inequities goes on.
But, we gained so much in this state when we got married. We could buy a house together as straight couples do. We could file taxes jointly. We could change our name when we were married. When hospitalized, we have access to each other. When our daughter goes to the doctor, either can take her without any fuss. We were able to adopt her and be on the amended birth certificate as her parents. And the list of gains goes on.
However, the biggest gain is the depth added to our relationship. Our love grows each day. Our commitment to each other deepens each day. But when we said those words to each other, witnessed by the Justice of the Peace, then our community, then by JPP, Orca, an NPR reporter, and a photographer from the Globe, have had the greatest impact upon our relationship. I am so very lucky to know, love, and be loved by Clementine.
Clementine, you are my heart.
27 February, 2008
Mobeus
Have any of you tried to understand the directions for knitting a mobeus? First, can the author please limit the use of "magical" throughout the directions? Next, what? I mean, what? I struggle to understand and I can read pretty tough patterns. But this is really out there.
Have you ever knit a mobeus?
Have you ever knit a mobeus?
26 February, 2008
25 February, 2008
Who loves ya, baby?
Once a week or so, when I am putting Hester to bed, I will tell her all the people who love her. It usually starts with "Do you know who loves you? Your Mama loves you. Your Mumzy, that's me, loves you." Etc. I go through family members on both from sides, friends, and Hester's birth family. Twice now, including last night, I start saying "Do you know who loves you?" and Hester said "Kitty cat!" What a kid!
24 February, 2008
RSV, a four letter word
RSV has reeked havoc in our lives here. First, Hester got it and ended up having to go to the ER on Valentine's Day because of retractions when she breathed. Luckily, she did not need to be admitted to the hospital and was better after being on oxygen blow by for a number of hours and her fever breaking. It was quite a nerve-wracking night for Clementine and I. We did sleep a wee bit by trading off who slept on the stretcher. But by 9 AM when the doctor discharged Hester, we were all exhausted and took the day off. (In actuality, those decisions were made many hours earlier and the proper people notified on time). Hester has made steady progress each day since then and now just has a wee little runny nose.
However, RSV set up camp in me Valentine's Day night. I started coughing and had that "Oh crap, I'm getting sick" feeling. It really came on over the weekend. Each night, I did not sleep with Clementine, for fear of keeping her up with my coughing. So I laid on the cough, coughing more than sleeping. I said, "This is good. The worst is now so I will be well for work Tuesday."
"Not so fast" replied RSV.
Tuesday, I went to work and coughed my fool head off. I tried to sing with my horse voice. I ended up doing a lot of work in the office. Wednesday, my cough was worse. I ate a whole package of cough drops in eight hours. Luckily, my intern was there and she did all the sessions. I just observed. Wednesday night's train ride home was a nightmare of coughing fits that went on for minutes at a time and happened every 2-5 minutes. I got so many dirty looks from fellow commuters. I could not blame them. I got home and cried for 5 minutes in the bathroom because I was so tired and felt like such crap. I decided if I did not sleep good that night, I would not go to work. And I didn't so I didn't. I went to the doctor who said I had a asthma like process going on in my lungs and that was why cough medicine was not helping. She gave me a steroid inhaler. Thursday night, I sort of slept but was so tired in the morning, I called in again. My boss, perhaps knowing the severity of my cough on Wednesday, had found coverage for my night shift, freeing me of any guilt driven need to go to work Friday. Thank you, Boss!
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I pretty much slept, drank fluids, knit, and read magazines. Did you know that all the parenting magazines, like Parents, Baby Talk, and American Baby (when did we start getting so many baby magazines?) have short pieces that are easy to attend to when you are wicked sick? I tried to read a book my brother gave me, Cloud Atlas, but could not get up to page 20 after four days.
Today, I woke up and did not fall into a huge coughing spasm. I only had maybe 6 throughout the entire day. The steroids are working. I have one more day off to rest and recuperate and I think Tuesday, I will be able to hit the ground running at work. Thank goodness.
RSV is not one of my favorite illnesses, not that one has a favorite illness.
However, RSV set up camp in me Valentine's Day night. I started coughing and had that "Oh crap, I'm getting sick" feeling. It really came on over the weekend. Each night, I did not sleep with Clementine, for fear of keeping her up with my coughing. So I laid on the cough, coughing more than sleeping. I said, "This is good. The worst is now so I will be well for work Tuesday."
"Not so fast" replied RSV.
Tuesday, I went to work and coughed my fool head off. I tried to sing with my horse voice. I ended up doing a lot of work in the office. Wednesday, my cough was worse. I ate a whole package of cough drops in eight hours. Luckily, my intern was there and she did all the sessions. I just observed. Wednesday night's train ride home was a nightmare of coughing fits that went on for minutes at a time and happened every 2-5 minutes. I got so many dirty looks from fellow commuters. I could not blame them. I got home and cried for 5 minutes in the bathroom because I was so tired and felt like such crap. I decided if I did not sleep good that night, I would not go to work. And I didn't so I didn't. I went to the doctor who said I had a asthma like process going on in my lungs and that was why cough medicine was not helping. She gave me a steroid inhaler. Thursday night, I sort of slept but was so tired in the morning, I called in again. My boss, perhaps knowing the severity of my cough on Wednesday, had found coverage for my night shift, freeing me of any guilt driven need to go to work Friday. Thank you, Boss!
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I pretty much slept, drank fluids, knit, and read magazines. Did you know that all the parenting magazines, like Parents, Baby Talk, and American Baby (when did we start getting so many baby magazines?) have short pieces that are easy to attend to when you are wicked sick? I tried to read a book my brother gave me, Cloud Atlas, but could not get up to page 20 after four days.
Today, I woke up and did not fall into a huge coughing spasm. I only had maybe 6 throughout the entire day. The steroids are working. I have one more day off to rest and recuperate and I think Tuesday, I will be able to hit the ground running at work. Thank goodness.
RSV is not one of my favorite illnesses, not that one has a favorite illness.
20 February, 2008
Help
So, what does a soft butch wear to a Texas beach wedding in April? Certainly not a white linen suit since Memorial Day has not yet past. Please advise.
11 February, 2008
dilemna
Tonight, we interview a babysitter. I am not thrilled about it. We need one but I don't want to leave Hester with anyone. Just look at us so far, she is a year old and she has been babysat four times, twice by Clementine's parents, and the other two times by close friends. Clearly, neither of us are thrilled by the prosepect.
But, timing for conferences overlapped. My regular spring conference is the same date as an adoption conference that Clementine wants to go to. I would just come home and skip that day but I have to present and I am on the board and we have a meeting that afternoon. Clementine has talked about going to this conference for a year plus. I feel horrible when she says that my work superseeds her adoption needs. That is not right. But I have obligations. I am seriously considering not running for office again to avoid this. Family comes first, right?
Beyond all this crap and the ususal frets of a first time parent leaving their kid with a babysitter, I have other baggage that is seriously muddying my thoughts. You may remmeber that I am a survivor but you may not know that it was a babysitter that molested me. My mother and I talked about this once, while she believed me. She told me that the woman (yes, it was a woman who molested me) came with good references and was very kind. She was very loving toward me and said I was her special one. My parents were releived to have a kind older lady to watch thier kids so they could go do things. And now, Clementine and I need someone to watch Hester, but I freeze inside thinking that I could put my daughter, my heart, in the care of someone who could hurt her as I was hurt. Nothing in this world is more important than keeping her safe.
But then I look at my wife who makes a living caring for other people's children. She loves each of them and does a wonderful job with them. We could maybe find someone like her to care for Hester. But how do you know?
We went to hear Eve Ensler speak the other day, which was great. But parts of the lecture was hard for me to hear. I was holding Hester and listening to her discuss abuses women and children endure. I found myself holding Hester tighter to my breast as I listened. How does one protect their girl child through childhood. I don't want her to be the 1 in 3 girls who are violated. I don't want to have history be recreated.
So we are interviewing some dude tonight about child care. I am not sold on him at all. Partly, because he is a man. Weird since I was molested by a women. But the majority of offenders are men. I just don't feel ready for this. I just want Hester to be safe.
But, timing for conferences overlapped. My regular spring conference is the same date as an adoption conference that Clementine wants to go to. I would just come home and skip that day but I have to present and I am on the board and we have a meeting that afternoon. Clementine has talked about going to this conference for a year plus. I feel horrible when she says that my work superseeds her adoption needs. That is not right. But I have obligations. I am seriously considering not running for office again to avoid this. Family comes first, right?
Beyond all this crap and the ususal frets of a first time parent leaving their kid with a babysitter, I have other baggage that is seriously muddying my thoughts. You may remmeber that I am a survivor but you may not know that it was a babysitter that molested me. My mother and I talked about this once, while she believed me. She told me that the woman (yes, it was a woman who molested me) came with good references and was very kind. She was very loving toward me and said I was her special one. My parents were releived to have a kind older lady to watch thier kids so they could go do things. And now, Clementine and I need someone to watch Hester, but I freeze inside thinking that I could put my daughter, my heart, in the care of someone who could hurt her as I was hurt. Nothing in this world is more important than keeping her safe.
But then I look at my wife who makes a living caring for other people's children. She loves each of them and does a wonderful job with them. We could maybe find someone like her to care for Hester. But how do you know?
We went to hear Eve Ensler speak the other day, which was great. But parts of the lecture was hard for me to hear. I was holding Hester and listening to her discuss abuses women and children endure. I found myself holding Hester tighter to my breast as I listened. How does one protect their girl child through childhood. I don't want her to be the 1 in 3 girls who are violated. I don't want to have history be recreated.
So we are interviewing some dude tonight about child care. I am not sold on him at all. Partly, because he is a man. Weird since I was molested by a women. But the majority of offenders are men. I just don't feel ready for this. I just want Hester to be safe.
25 January, 2008
14 January, 2008
Felted Hat
I have been knitting quite a lot lately. Here is one project I completed for Hester. It is a hat from Knit One, Felt Two. I used a blue wool I purchased at Webs Yarn Store during their after Christmas sale. I bought one cone of each color for not a lot of money! My favorite. The picture is me wearing the "hat" after finishing knitting. It is hard to beleive that this huge hat that covers my entire head will fit Hester's wee little head after felting.
I liked the hat so much, I started making one for myself. I am using the same colors but reversing them. I cannot wait for the finished product and when Hester and I can be matchy matchy.
I liked the hat so much, I started making one for myself. I am using the same colors but reversing them. I cannot wait for the finished product and when Hester and I can be matchy matchy.
13 January, 2008
Happy Birthday Hester!
Absence
Sorry I have been gone for so long. I was worried someone who I would prefer to not read my blog might have been reading. Instead of changing the site address, I decided to take a break from blogging. So I am back. I hope some of my old readers will come by again.
20 November, 2007
Travel Stress
When I was on maternity leave in March, I was asked to be a co-presenter at the American Music Therapy Association's conference in November. Our date for presenting was set months ago for November 15th in the morning. Then, a month or so ago, we were told that Hester's finalization was scheduled for Friday November 16th at 8 in the morning. I made my travel plans to go to the conference on Wednesday, present Thursday morning, get on a plane, and get home before 10 PM. Sounds like a good plan, huh?
The presentation went well and I left the hotel early, giving myself more than two hours to go through security, find my gate, and relax. It all went well until the flight boarded a bit late, but I had almost an hour layover so it was still OK. Then we pulled out onto the tarmac and stopped. The pilot said we would be waiting there for 45 minutes to take off. This put me into Chicago 15 minutes late for my connecting flight. I called my airline from the tarmac to rearrange my connecting flight. While on hold for ever, the pilot said to turn off cell phones because we were about to take off.
The whole way to Chicago, I was thinking of what to do. What if I could not get a flight? Could I rent a car and get home in time for the adoption? If I got to the airport by 5:30 AM, I could take the commuter rail home, change into my suit from the day before, and be there on time. If I got in later, I could borrow one of my coworkers truck and drive to the court house, wearing my suit from the day before. What if I could not be there? Would my wife or daughter ever forgive me for missing it? Could I ever forgive myself? What a horrible mother I am!
I got to Chicago and called the airline again. The woman found me the last seat on the next flight. As she told me I had a seat, I started to cry. I told her that I had to get home for my daughter's adoption and thanked her a zillion times. People in the airport must have thought I was crazy for I was still crying as I walked to the next concourse where my new flight was to take off from.
By the time I arrived, my flight had been delayed until 8:30 PM from 7:20 PM. Over the next hour and a half, it was delayed to 9:40 PM and the gate was changed twice and the concourse changed once. My concern then became will I get home in time for the shuttle service ride home. Their last shuttle is at 12:15 AM. The flight would make it, just barely.
We boarded the plane 30 minutes late and then the plane just sat there for another 45 minutes. I knew it would arrive later than 12:15 AM. Clementine had said to call her if I needed a ride home and she and Hester would come get me. I did not want to do that. Luckily, when I landed, I called the shuttle service and they were waiting for me outdoors. I booked it to the shuttle and got home at 2 AM.
I was thrilled that I made it home in time, that I was not a bad mother, and that I could share this very special day with my family, Hester and Clementine.
The presentation went well and I left the hotel early, giving myself more than two hours to go through security, find my gate, and relax. It all went well until the flight boarded a bit late, but I had almost an hour layover so it was still OK. Then we pulled out onto the tarmac and stopped. The pilot said we would be waiting there for 45 minutes to take off. This put me into Chicago 15 minutes late for my connecting flight. I called my airline from the tarmac to rearrange my connecting flight. While on hold for ever, the pilot said to turn off cell phones because we were about to take off.
The whole way to Chicago, I was thinking of what to do. What if I could not get a flight? Could I rent a car and get home in time for the adoption? If I got to the airport by 5:30 AM, I could take the commuter rail home, change into my suit from the day before, and be there on time. If I got in later, I could borrow one of my coworkers truck and drive to the court house, wearing my suit from the day before. What if I could not be there? Would my wife or daughter ever forgive me for missing it? Could I ever forgive myself? What a horrible mother I am!
I got to Chicago and called the airline again. The woman found me the last seat on the next flight. As she told me I had a seat, I started to cry. I told her that I had to get home for my daughter's adoption and thanked her a zillion times. People in the airport must have thought I was crazy for I was still crying as I walked to the next concourse where my new flight was to take off from.
By the time I arrived, my flight had been delayed until 8:30 PM from 7:20 PM. Over the next hour and a half, it was delayed to 9:40 PM and the gate was changed twice and the concourse changed once. My concern then became will I get home in time for the shuttle service ride home. Their last shuttle is at 12:15 AM. The flight would make it, just barely.
We boarded the plane 30 minutes late and then the plane just sat there for another 45 minutes. I knew it would arrive later than 12:15 AM. Clementine had said to call her if I needed a ride home and she and Hester would come get me. I did not want to do that. Luckily, when I landed, I called the shuttle service and they were waiting for me outdoors. I booked it to the shuttle and got home at 2 AM.
I was thrilled that I made it home in time, that I was not a bad mother, and that I could share this very special day with my family, Hester and Clementine.
19 November, 2007
Adoption Day Festivities Recap
Friday was a big day for us as you may know; it was the day we finalized Hester's adoption. The court scheduled Hester's adoption on National Adoption Day. This was not our choice for we wanted the day to be a contemplative day not a circus. At eight, we arrived at the court house with 30 other families. 41 children were adopted on Friday in our city. The court house had planned different festivities including family portraits for each family, speeches by state politicians and others touched by adoption,and the appearance of a local mascot. We were joined by our social worker, her intern, the lawyer appointed to us, a CASA volunteer, and the court personnel.
The actual adoption finalization was not very exciting. The judge asked us some questions about how it was going with Hester, how she was doing, what we did for work, and such. She then signed two pieces of paper and it was done. Hester was as of that moment legally our daughter as she had been in our hearts since she was born. We took pictures with the judge and she gave us some gifts for Hester. It was really a very nice day.
Saturday, we invited our and Hester's friends over for a pizza party to celebrate. Hester had a wonderful time playing with her friends and weenjoyed the company of so many friends who have given us so much supportthrough this entire process. Thanks to everyone.
We are thrilled that the entire adoption process is complete. However,in our joy to be a family with our daughter, we remember her first family and their loss. We remember the joy in her birth father's eyes when he held her. We remember how her birth mother gave us advise and celebrated with us our new motherhood. We remember her birth brother brought her gifts. We are blessed each day to see Hester's smile but are aware that her first family do not have that joy. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.
We are now free of social workers and adoption agencies which is great! No longer do we need the doctor to sign forms each time she sees Hester. No longer do we have to get special permission to travel with our daughter. Once the paperwork from the finalization is sent to us, we will get Hester her social security card and her first bank account. It is wonderful to take these steps forward now with her.
Thank you to all the blog friends and readers who have offered support and a listening ear through this entire process. Your comments, thoughts, and prayers have made a huge difference in us and our ability to cope with and celebrate every step of this process. I hope that some day we can do the same for you.
The actual adoption finalization was not very exciting. The judge asked us some questions about how it was going with Hester, how she was doing, what we did for work, and such. She then signed two pieces of paper and it was done. Hester was as of that moment legally our daughter as she had been in our hearts since she was born. We took pictures with the judge and she gave us some gifts for Hester. It was really a very nice day.
Saturday, we invited our and Hester's friends over for a pizza party to celebrate. Hester had a wonderful time playing with her friends and weenjoyed the company of so many friends who have given us so much supportthrough this entire process. Thanks to everyone.
We are thrilled that the entire adoption process is complete. However,in our joy to be a family with our daughter, we remember her first family and their loss. We remember the joy in her birth father's eyes when he held her. We remember how her birth mother gave us advise and celebrated with us our new motherhood. We remember her birth brother brought her gifts. We are blessed each day to see Hester's smile but are aware that her first family do not have that joy. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.
We are now free of social workers and adoption agencies which is great! No longer do we need the doctor to sign forms each time she sees Hester. No longer do we have to get special permission to travel with our daughter. Once the paperwork from the finalization is sent to us, we will get Hester her social security card and her first bank account. It is wonderful to take these steps forward now with her.
Thank you to all the blog friends and readers who have offered support and a listening ear through this entire process. Your comments, thoughts, and prayers have made a huge difference in us and our ability to cope with and celebrate every step of this process. I hope that some day we can do the same for you.
17 November, 2007
Thoughts on the L Word
We just finished watching the fourth season of the L Word. I actually like a few of the story lines this time, finally. They are doing a better job representing lesbians and transgender people. And they added some more people of color. I do hope that Jenny's boat is lost at sea and she never returns to the show. Also, I hope that Jenny stole the theme song and has it in the boat with her so it too will be lost at sea forever!
16 November, 2007
Finalization
It was an anti-climatic ceremony but it is all done. Legally, we are now a family, which we have been in our hearts since we met Hester. I love you, Hester. Clementine, thank you for opening my life up to so many things I never dreamed I could feel or be.
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