I am up past my bedtime with thoughts swirling about my head. I feel the sadness of loss all around me. I don't know what sparked it off; was it the movie, therapy yesterday, my book, being tired?
I am thinking about macro verses micro vision. How, if I look at single events with each of my family members with whom I do not talk to, I will begin to feel that I am wrong to treat them this way, cutting them off from my life and my future child. My actions seem exaggerated and mean. When I look at it with macro vision, seeing my life with each in it's entirety, my actions make sense and are good.
I am thinking about the choices made by my mother, my father, my sister, and my elder brother. As with all our lives, there were times they could have made different choices and we would not be where we are now. But then, we would not be who we are now.
I am thinking about that in a few days, I will mark my 20th year since coming out. 20 years ago, I told myself, my friends, my parents, and my siblings. In two decades, neither my parents, my sister, nor my elder brother have made an effort to learn, understand, or try. The question rolls about my head, "Why don't they try?"
I am thinking of how finally I am furious with my sister.
I am thinking about my loving wife who celebrates my successes, holds me when I cry, loves and respects me, shares her heart with me, and who has taught me more about family than I ever learned at my parent's home. Her laughter is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.
I am thinking about whether I should invite the nurses at work to participate in our 100 wishes quilt for our future baby.
I am thinking of a manuscript I need to work on making the corrections. The reviewer is crazy. I just need 3 good hours to complete it. But the acuity of the hospital is up and the intensity of the patients' needs has increased. Their stories, needs, music, faces, and words swirl about me.
I am thinking about stupid office politics and a rude coworker.
I am thinking about the young man I sang to sleep today. The intimacy of singing someone in physical and emotional pain to sleep is overwhelming some times. The suffering in his eyes coupled then with the trust in us to help ease him into sleep is a huge juxtaposition. And still, twelve hours later, one of the songs I sang, "Across the Universe" echoes in my mind. Here is a smidgen of the lyrics.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
As a young teen, I discovered this song and loved it. The words "nothing's gonna change my world" brought me comfort. I clung to those words in hope that growing up, the impending coming out, going to college, etc. would never happen. I would always be with my friends Chica, Psycho Kitty, and the rest. I would always be with my family. I would always be with my younger brother. I would always have my church.
But tonight, pushing 40, those words bring a different comfort. A comfort that nothing that happens outside of me will ever change who I am, the worth I have, the strengths I possess, my laugh, or my heart. Lennon was right. I need to let go of all these things, let them "slip away across the universe."
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6 comments:
You're so awesome, Hashbrown. That's exactly the right meaning to take from that chorus I think.
It is John Lennon from his meditation days so who really knows. Case in point, The Walrus.
xo
As far as difficult family relations: I think your second paragraph says it all. From what I glean from your writing, I wouldn't say you "treat" them any way - it doesn't appear that you go out of your way to do anything to them. You demand acknowledgemet & respect. Basic Boundary-setting 101. They choose not to accord you the simple respect that healthy love would naturally extend without having to be asked. Therefore you protect yourself & your family (present & future) from their pathology. Dear Hashbrown, please illustrate to me how this makes you a horrible person. Contrary to what Bluebeard would have us believe, the Big Picture is precisely the one a woman should be always peering at.
If it smells bad, a healthy wolf won't eat it. As a parent, your primary job is to protect that child from harm. Not the usual bumps & falls that teach a pup how to navigate - these are necessary to learn. But to protect against that which would steal or damage the inner navigational system - this is what must be preserved intact. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, lol.
Whew! Guess my own inner Good Enough Mother had a thing or two to get off her chest. Macro, micro, as above, so below.
Having had my own nights like that, I hear ya! I find that they are usually triggered by transition (i.e., STRESS!) and the fear or anxiety that it causes.
I hate dealing with my family. How's that for succinct? There's a certain kind of loneliness attached to the role of family truth-teller but sometimes I find that that it's self-imposed. In other words, I enlarge my feelings of rejection or exclusion to include my whole extended family instead of just my parents.
Fortunately, I've begun to reach out to one of my sisters, her husband, & a couple of cousins & have been able to find support there.
Sorry so wordy, ironically I'm going to a family barbecue today. Ergh.
Wow, something Neasa said really resonates with me: "If it smells bad, a healthy wolf won't eat it." That's a wise statement, and a powerful metaphor for your family struggles. I'm glad you're writing about this stuff and finding hidden strengths in yourself.
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