Late and Long Post

It has been a couple of weeks since we had our home study for our adoption. I have wanted to post about it but 1) wanted to get a handle on the myriad of feelings I was having and 2) needed to find some time to actually sit and write it all down.

The visit went well. The social worker, Ms. Stork, is easy to talk with. I was having a bit of weirdness with her. But after thinking about it, I realized she and a social worker at work (who is rather rude to me and the child life specialists) have similarities and I was mixing the two up. I am comfortable talking to Ms. Stork about most topics but she came upon the one that I was not ready for.

In the paperwork we filled out initially, there was a section called something like “Sensitive Subjects” or some other assy name like that. It was about drug use, alcohol abuse, sexual assault, family trouble, etc. I was honest and wrote I was seeing a therapist for family issues, mainly their estrangement because I am a big gay wad (Obviously, I did not use that language. I called myself a Gaylord.). I also wrote that I am a survivor of sexual abuse and have received therapy for that as well.

Despite the fact that I write about those topics on my blog, I am UNCOMFORTABLE talking to people about these two issues especially when I feel I am being judged about it. So when Ms. Stork asked me if I was still seeing my therapist, I started feeling defensive and frightened. Then she told me it would help our home study if I got an additional reference from my therapist as well. She said it was my choice but that having it would strengthen our home study. Peaches said I had my deer in the headlights look at that moment. Ms. Stork told me it was optional, but I was thinking, “If I don’t do this, what message will that say? That I am hiding something? That something is desperately wrong with me?” I knew that I had to do this despite my severe dislike of being judged by the events of my younger life.

There have been times when both being gay and being a survivor were used against me in my career. I have not gotten jobs because of revealing that I am a survivor. My supervisory skills and model were called into question by a stupid patriarchal male supervisor because of my survivor-ship. (Dude, I was using the feminist psychology model. It is a well-documented model with great outcomes. HELLO!) My professor told me that being queer would affect my career. I was questioned about working alone with children because I am a big lesbo. The list goes on. You can see how my experiences lead me to being very uncomfortable with these topics when I am being “evaluated” or judged.

But it goes deeper than that. The shame that I carry from being molested permeates this resistance. I have the illogical fears, which I know are not true, that I will be seen as unfit because of what has been done to me. That I will be judged by my sister inappropriate actions. Because of the utter failure of my relationship with my family, I fear my ability to parent will be judged based on that estranged relationship. But these are fears and fears are usually not true.

Luckily, the next day was therapy. My therapist rocks. In the time I have been seeing her, I have made more progress on my family issues than I had ever with my other therapists combined, except my first. We talked about my fears and their basis. Then we talked about how I can talk about my issues positively. She then told me what she would say in the reference. She spoke about me with such care and admiration. I got teary. It was so moving to hear her speak so highly of me. She said that she sees me for the successes I have built out of the tragedies of my past.

So I sent my therapist the reference letter. I meet with Ms. Stork on the 11th of October. I know she will ask more about my family, about being a survivor, and how I have dealt with these things. I am still so scared of being judged. But I think I have the tools to make it through ok. I’ll let you know.