Gone?

I stopped the domperidone last week for it had been six weeks and that is as long as my doctor said I could take it. It is a medication that stimulates lactation. Up to that point, I was making an ounce a day and was pretty happy about it. But my milk quickly diminished to mere droplets within a week. I am so sad that it may be ending. I liked making milk for Hester. I really worked hard to embrace it and move through my emotional shit to get to a good place about breasts, babies, and milk. And I did it. But now, it seems like it is gone and I am done. I have been too sad to pump the last two days. However, I still get droplets after showers. I am still taking the herbal cocktail, yummo. Yesterday, I called the lactation consultants at Hester's hospital to see what they had to say. When Hester was discharged, they said to call if I had any questions or concerns. I have not heard back from them. I hope there is something more I can do but if not, I guess it will be over. It went by to quickly.

Hats

I am juggling three hats these next few days. I am not sure how it will turn out. I hope I can just keep everything in the air and if I must, shed tears alone or with Clementine.

The first hat is that of motherhood. I have not blogged much in the past few weeks because 1) I am busy caring for Hester, and 2) I am awash with a multitude of feelings. I feel joy to be witnessing this little life. I feel lost as I struggle to find out who I am as a mother. I feel fear that I will resort to my parents' style of parenting. I feel happiness when I hug her. I feel panic when she screams in her colicky time. I feel tired from disturbed sleep. I cannot wait to hold her again. I miss my old life. I marvel at how Clementine and I work together nearly seamlessly to accomplish all that needs to be done. I love Clementine and Hester more and more each day. I want to go back to work. I never want to go back to work. I think I am doing pretty good being a mother.

The next hat is that of music therapist. Even on my maternity leave, that life creeps in. I had go to a meeting with my intern and her professor. I had to interview a prospective intern for next year. I worked on documents for work. I proofed a manuscript for publication. I discussed and worked on a submission for presenting at the next national conference. I am bummed that I did so much on this time off but then I love my profession and my work so much. I have to go to a music therapy conference tomorrow for three and a half days. Hester may come down to join me on Thursday evening. If not, she and Clementine will join me Friday. I feel horrible leaving them for this conference. I don't really want to go but must take a course and I am on the regional executive board so I guess I have to go. But Hester has only been home for three weeks. But I miss my work life. It has been my passion for so long. How do I balance these two hats?

I have a third hat that I cannot speak much about. There was a civil rights violation and I am doing something about it. Tomorrow, I have a big, important meeting about this. I am nervous. I have never done such a thing before. But my lawyer told me to walk proudly and be strong for I am "wearing the hat of justice." My lawyer rocks! But this hat of justice is heavy and I have carried it for years and will continue to carry it for an unknown amount of time. But it is far lighter than carrying the weight of second class citizenship.

Next week, I start up with work again. I am tremendously sad this time is coming to an end. That is when the juggling act will begin in earnest.

Sucess

We had our first successful outing this week. Hester and I went to the pediatrician and to the grocery store. She did poop and puke but I handled it gracefully and stayed calm. She did cry a bit at the store as I was loading up the groceries on the belt but we made it through. I got home and was calm and even smiling. And Hester did not pee on me.

Why?

Why do they put pockets and belt loops on baby cloths?

Conversation One Week Ago

During pumping late at night on the last night at the hospital.

Hashbrown: Clementine! Clementine! I am squirting like a cow.

Clementine (laughing): You did not just say that! (Pause) Let me see!

Family Fun

While I am blogging about my parents response, let me share with you my sister's response to Hester coming home.

Great news! I wish you all the best.

Sister

I am pissed off at her. I mean, come on, this is her niece who just got out of the hospital. And I am her only sister who just became a mother. I simultaneously want to rip her a new a-hole and write her off even more. I know there are many factors at play:

1. She always wanted to be a mother but is not and is jealous.
2. She cursed me to have only puppies and kittens instead of children.
3. Perhaps she has issues still about adoption.
4. She certainly has major issues about homosexuality.
5. She and I have a huge rift that may be insurmountable.
6. She is very shut down.

Ah, who the fuck knows. They all need therapy.

Progress?

The day we brought Hester home, I received this email from my parents. Talk about timing.

Dear Hashbrown & Clementine,

Thank you for the announcement, thank you note, and letter with the pictures of Hester. We certainly appreciate you taking a picture of her in the outfit we sent. We thought she looked cute in it. She seems to be very alert with those big bright eyes. She probably does not miss a trick. That is really good.

You will be very busy and your life will be very full. It is a really good thing that Hester will have a home where she will be safe and loved.

Aunt Tater and Uncle Spud are visiting and we showed them the pictures and announcement. Aunt Tater asked about Hester's names and we were not able to tell her about them. They will be here for a month so maybe you could email us the origin of the names and we can share the information with them. They think she is a cute baby, also.

Love to all,
Dad and Mom

I don't know if it is a good sign or not. I don't want to get my heart all hopeful again that they will be nice and a part of my life. Especially now when I miss them so very much. There are so many things I want to share with them about being a parent. I wish they called all the time like Clementine's parents do. I wish they were planning to come up and meet Hester as Clementine's parents are.

What do you think? Is this letter progress?

She's Home!

Hester arrived home today around 4 PM!!!

Also

You gotta read this!

The End is Near

If you read my wife's blog then you know that Hester is getting close to discharge. It looks like this Sunday or Monday if things go well with the final treatments. So far, it has gone really smoothly over the past week. Hester is feeling great and happy as can be.

We are just so thrilled to have this journey come to an end. Last night, a per diem nurse who has cared for Hester on occasion said good bye to us. With hugs and kisses, she told us we are her favorite parents and Hester is her favorite girl in the NICU. Her outpouring of emotion was unexpected but so very sweet. It is funny to feel sadness to not be around all our new acquaintances of the nurses on the entire floor and that we will not see all the new born babies around us or the teeny tiny preemies.

We had a bit of a scare last night. I was changing Hester and getting her ready for her bottle, including 1/2 oz of breast milk (pumped all day long), and I noticed dried drainage on her ear and that it was red, hot, and swollen. The nurse was disturbed by it too so she called the pediatrician. He came and looked at her ear and said everything was OK, that it was just ear wax liquefying and draining out. Weird. But the best thing was she was OK.

Tuesday, this week, one of the first things I did was put in for my maternity leave. I am taking a month off starting the end of this week. I have only three more rides on the train and one more alarm at 5 AM to catch the train. I am thrilled to have the time off to bond with my family and relax.

I keep hearing "you better sleep now cause when she comes home, you'll get no rest." That really makes me angry because for the past nearly 7 weeks, I have gotten no rest. Neither of us have. We are at the hospital with her, often spending the night, getting up for her feedings or to soothe her, getting up at ungodly hours to then go to work, working all day, then rushing back to the hospital to do it again. And on the days we do not spend the night, we are struggling to drive home awake, getting there around 11 PM and starting over again at 5 AM. I think being home more than 1-2 nights a week, not juggling work duties and intern training, and no train rides will be much more restful even if Hester is cluster feeding all night every night. I will be home again, with my cats and dog, with my wife, with my daughter, sitting on my couch, looking at the walls we painted, showering in my shower, eating food we make. I think I will be more rested.

The other thing that pissed me off is my boss insisting that I will get nothing done because I will be so tired from no rest. Doesn't she know that if you say "you can't" to me makes me say, "Oh yes the fuck I will, just watch me?" I plan to work on revising a paper for publication and sending it off, writing two brief essays for a national internship site application, and write a policy paper with Clementine for publication. And if any of you say, "Oh, you'll be too tired" you will just add fuel to my fire to get this stuff done and show everyone that doubted me that I can.

The feelings I have about bringing Hester home and really bonding with her as a mother are so complex, they defy words. When I am not so freaking tired, I want to write more about it. The irritation at others is much easier to write about right now. Those feelings are simple and familiar. All these changes in me, my role, my identity, my boobs, I feel them and know them but the words for them are lost to my half mast eyes. Give me a few more days for a deep meaningful post.

Oh, here is Hester! She is wearing scrubs to match me!!

Share your seat, Asshat!

Yeah, I hate it when people (usually men) on the commuter rail sit all spread legged and with their bag on the seat of a three seater to avoid having to sit with people. I have had to deal with two in two days, saying "Pardon me," and looking at the seat that should be available. One acted all huffy for half the ride, the other barely moved his bag (he was still taking up two seats) and acted benevolent for giving me a seat. Asshats.

Question

Is it just me or do those new adds for IPods on the T look like people from the 80s being electrocuted by their IPod?