Just One Look

We spent the day with the baby yesterday at the hospital. We were alone with her much of the day and it was so much different from the day before. She is just so beautiful. The day was filled with holding, feeding, burping, and changing the baby. She was still in the calm, sleeping phase after birth. It was such a gift to share such a quiet day with Clementine and the baby.

Much of the day, I kept my heart at a distance. She was like a friend's baby. I am trying to protect myself from being hurt if the parents decide not to go forth with their adoption plans. There are no indications that this would happen. In fact, they reassure us they will be signing each time we see them, unprompted even. They both are so very kind and strong. But, these three to four days were stretching out before me and I wanted to keep my heart safe.

But then, last night, after getting cleaned up from her first (I am sure of many) diaper blowout, she opened her eyes and looked at us. As I held her and she looked right up at me, I knew I loved this child with all my heart. As it became time to go home, I knew I never wanted to be apart from this baby. I wanted to look into her eyes every day (at least until she goes to college, trade school, or moves out on her own). My heart ached as we left the baby in the nursery and still aches as I sit here in front of the computer at home. I guess I fell hard for this little baby.

Clementine and I talked about it later and she said she knew I would love the baby right away because I have a "big marshmallow heart." As we drove home, I thought about the times I have fallen in love before, with Clementine and with my lovers before her. Each time I told someone that I loved them, each time I felt it for the first time, I was scared for my heart. The situations were not set but were new-ish and still not certain. But I took those leaps then and I guess I am taking that leap now. Wish me luck.