Baptism and Support

We have set a date for Hester's Baptism, Oct. 7. She will be baptized by the priest who married us, in the church we were married in, and on the date of our 6th wedding anniversary. Pretty sweet, huh?

As Clementine discussed all her family that will be coming to Hester's baptism, I became more and more anti-family and grumpy. I did not want to spend so much time with family. It was not until much later that I realized that I sincerely doubt any of my family will be attending the baptism. That just ain't right.

You see, recently I spoke with Clementine about how I have built a family of choice out of my friends who are very special to me. I have worked so hard to cultivate and maintain these relationships. But when I sit down and really look at these relationships, I know I need them more than they need me. They have families who care about them. They don't NEED a family like I do. I know that when push comes to shove, I am ultimately alone, except for Clementine.

Then, a good friend who lives in Ohio called me and proved me wrong. She told me she was looking into coming out for the Baptism. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I told her how much it meant t me that she was going to try to come out. I told her that probably none of my family would be there. That doubled her desire to be there with us to celebrate Hester's big day.

Boston Pride

This year, there is no snap report on Boston Pride. Sorry, I spent the day bummed about family issues. I felt like I was missing so much of Hester's life because of work. Two days a week, at least, I don't even see her awake unless there is a midnight feeding. And that is only change her diaper, feed her, watch her fall asleep within the first 5 minutes of her bottle, and put her back to bed when she finishes eating.

By Monday morning, my funky mood was still around and quite sour. Poor Clementine had to witness it all and bear the weight of my sadness. As I weeded the garden Monday afternoon, I thought about all the time I wasted feeling upset that I don't have much time with Hester. I thought about how much my crappy mood took away from my time with my daughter. I decided that all I can do beyond quit my job (which cannot happen for a very long time) is to accept things as they are, focus on the positives, and enjoy my time with my daughter and wife. Wish me luck.

Oh Brother

My brother, Snapdragon, has always had my back. He has been unceasingly my greatest ally in my family since I came out as a lesbian and as a survivor. As children, we were inseparable. People thought we were twins all the time. I secretly wished we were twins. He had so many traits I valued like his strength to withstand anything, his compassion, and his desire to learn more. Our close relationship has continued into our adulthood He means so much to me.

As Hester’s birth came closer, Snapdragon spoke of coming up to visit when she comes home to help us out around the house and to meet his niece. I was so touched that he wanted to come and be with us and share in our new family. But as the events of her birth and long hospitalization unfolded, his trip was postponed for the spring. I was cool with that.

However, those plans changed. Snapdragon called me and told me it would be in the summer. They have a friend in Mexico who had a child a year ago with whom they want to visit. Their reason for changing things up was that part of Mexico is very hot in the summer, hence going in the spring. They were going to come out when both he and his wife were on summer break.

The next time we discussed his trip to meet Hester; the date was changed to September. He and his wife had made plans to go to France to visit our sister. This is my sister who has been quite horrible to me. And it turns out that my other brother and parents will also be in France when Snapdragon and his wife are there.

The latest conversations about their visit have been punctuated with comments about how much all their travel has cost this year. He ponders aloud to me how they will be able to afford the trip to visit us after paying for France.

I am so hurt that the trip has been changed from January to spring to June to September. I feel like meeting his niece has taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I feel like I have taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I am pissed off that he changed the date of the trip here to see our sister. Or maybe it is all of this and more.

I want to tell him how I feel about the changes in the date to come visit us and meet Hester. But I worry that if I criticize I could loose the only family member who is supportive of me. I am sure these worries are just in my head. But am I brave enough to say anything?

There I go again

About two months ago, I received an email from my sister, stating she thought we were getting closer. This was news to me, specially that she continues to call my daughter by the wrong name, never acknowledged my marriage, and never apologized for very inappropriate behavior in our early adulthood (directed at me). I emailed her back, pointing each of these points out to her. Since then, I have not heard so much a s a peep from her. So much for closeness. There I go again, smashing her fictional constructs of her family members. Bad Hashbrown! Shame on me for living in the truth.

Perfect Night

Tonight, I brought Hester upstairs to her room to get her settled. As she is getting older now, 5 months, I think it is time to start getting her in a routine at night and a semi-regular bedtime. So first, I changed her diaper and put her in her sleeper. She is so funny. The second you start taking off her cloths to change her diaper or her cloths, she starts smiling. The girl loves to be naked. After that, we settled into the rocking chair and read a few books, "Tell Me Again About the Day I was Born," and "Madeline." She got a bit frustrated and tried to eat the books but I did not let her. We shifted positions a few times to make her happier and I started to sing to her. I sang "Always," "Down in the Valley," "De Colores," "Twinkle Twinkle," and a few others. Right after I started singing, she calmed down and looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes. She stared at me as I sang to her until she turned her head away, shut her eyes, and promptly fell asleep. It was a wonderful ending to a great day together.

Bad Week

This week is rough, filled with lots of feeling bad. After five action packed days with my in-laws, I returned to work. Tuesday is one of my 12 hour work days where I am gone from the house for 16 hours. In the late afternoon, as I was returning to the hospital after a coffee run, I got a call from Clementine that Hester was running a low fever. I felt so bad that I was enjoying a coffee from Starbucks while my baby is sick and Clementine is taking care of her and all the other children in her child care. I felt that my place was not work but to be home with our child, making her feel better. That night, when I got home, Hester and Clementine were already in bed. It is common for me not to even see our daughter awake on my long days.

Wednesday morning, I saw Hester for her 4 AM feeding and then got ready to go to work again. That evening, we were to have haircuts. After work, I had a bit of time between work and the appointment so I went to Porter Square to buy some yarn for projects for pregnant coworkers. I was having such a nice relaxing time looking at yarn, listening to my Zen on the T, and walking around the city. I called Clementine to get an ETA on her arrival and heard Hester’s loud cry and Clementine’s harried voice. A nightmare of screaming and puking was taking place on the MassPike. For a summary of that nightmare, read here. I felt so bad and guilty that I was having such a nice relaxing time and they were having an awful time. I went to the Starbucks near our hairdresser and awaited Clementine and Hester’s arrival. I felt like I should be in the car, caring for Hester, helping Clementine out but instead I was sitting there, drinking tea, and knitting. After our haircuts, Hester cried and puked for much of the trip home. I tried as hard as I could to soothe her, singing, holding her hand, stroking her head, and talking to her but nothing worked. She finally fell asleep. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world for wanting to get a hair cut when it clearly was too much for my baby, putting my vanity in front of my child’s needs. At the same time, I felt so frustrated that I cannot even get a simple good haircut since becoming a mother. It was horrible.

Hester slept though the night but woke up before I left for work Thursday. I left for work with Clementine crying, frustrated that Hester ate only 1 ounce of formula and then proceeded to play with her toes, refusing to eat more. Through the day, I tried to call a bunch to offer Clementine what support I could from afar. She told me how Hester was still not eating much and that the other kids were having a difficult time getting along. She sounded so harried and upset. Meanwhile, I am in the air conditioned hospital away from all that drama, having a pretty mellow day. I was dying to get home and see my child awake and happy. I wanted to listen to my wife in person and give her the support she needs. But the train was messed up and delivered us an hour late home. By then, Hester was asleep for the night and I was overwrought with guilt and feelings of being a bad mother for never being home with my child when she needed me or home with my wife when she needed me. I ended up crying and dumping all this plus family crap and work crap all over Clementine. So much for being supportive.

At 2 AM, Hester woke up for a bottle. I got up even though Clementine had offered to do my night after my crying fit. I do savor the moments with Hester. She smiled her big gummy grin as I changed her diaper. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms as I fed her the bottle. I put her down and went to bed again, got up at 5 and went to work for another long day. When I get home tonight, Hester, and maybe Clementine, will be asleep. I miss my daughter and my wife. I wish I could do a better job at balancing all this and being a good mother.

Questions Answered

A while ago, Abigail asked "Do you still enjoy work? Or is it just something to get through so you can be with your loved ones again?"

I have been thinking a lot about how parenthood has affected me at work. There are so many shifts, some subtle and some not so subtle. I have taken some time to sort through it all. I don't have a definitive answer but I will do my best.

Do I still enjoy work? Yes, I do. I have always LOVED my job. That hospital is the BOMB! Most of my coworkers are friendly and kind. The work is compelling. The patients and their families are really wonderful people. The opportunities for and support of music therapy research is there. I have an internship program up and running. The priorities toward providing the children with the best possible health care with no expense spared makes the place amazing. So, I still love my work.

I do find that my energy level at work has changed. My focus is not quite as intense as it was before January. I work hard but not as hard as I used to. Emotional situations are harder for me to be open to. When a parent cried the other day as her child fell asleep in the OR, I opened myself to empathizing by imagining Hester in the woman's child's place. I was immediately flooded with so much sadness and worry. I had to shut down my thoughts of Hester in order to continue to support the parent as we left the OR.

I find it is harder to be present with patients during painful procedures. I need to compartmentalize my home life far from my work life. This is a skill I already had but am employing it even more now. However, I feel like I am too closed off to really connect to my patients like I was before Hester's birth. I am not sure if it is that I am protecting myself or that I am so tired that I don't have the energy to be fully present during intense painful experiences. It is not that I am doing horribly at work. The shift is minor and I don't think my coworkers even notice. But I see it. I am not sure if these changes are permanent or just for now.

Is work something I just do to get through the day until I can go home to my loved ones? Kind of. Before Hester, MT was my life and my job and career were tightly married. Since Hester, I am still dedicated to my career. I just have new priorities that supersede MT. And I don't mind it at all. I am still very dedicated to continuing to do research, to find better ways to treat my clients, to serve on the regional and national levels, and my practice. But little Hester and my family (Clementine and Hester and I) are more important. I no longer see my job and career as one in the same. My job right now is a ways to attain my career goals but not the end all be all. I can see myself working else where in a few years. Maybe a small community hospital, maybe a private practice focusing on pain and wellness, maybe even working at a fancy spa. Who knows? But I do not have to keep at my current job until retirement anymore. I am willing to make sacrifices of the fabulousness of my current hospital for more time with my family.

Did that answer your questions?

Sweet Dreams

Last night, Hester woke up as I tried to transfer her to her crib. We still needed to call Hester's first mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. So I gave her a bottle while Clementine called Hester's first mother. As they spoke, Hester finished eating. We sat there together listening to Clementine talk. Hester just gazed up at my face and slowly drifted off to sleep. It reminded me so much of the second night of Hester's life. On that night, she woke up for the first time and gazed into my eyes. At that moment, I knew I was Hester's mother deep in my heart. It seemed a fitting end to my first Mother's Day to relive that moment as well as reconnect with Hester's first mother.

Then

Now

New Shoes

We went to the New Balance Factory Outlet

and

someone tried on some running shoes for the first time!

Mother's Day Note

Hello Mom
I just wanted to take a moment to wish you a happy Mother's Day. Not a day has gone by since Hester was born that I do not think about you. I especially think about just how much I love Hester and how you must feel that same way for each of your children. I hope you have had a wonderful day.
Love,
Hashbrown, Clementine, and Hester

Tagging

OK. From the past post about five things you did not know about me, I will tag JPP, Abigail, Clementine, Canada, and Psycho Kitty.

Five things for Friday

OK, so Muse tagged me. Here are five things you may not know about me.
1. I feel like snuggling more when the sheets are just washed.
2. I own 4 guitars, 3 saxophones (alto, tenor, and bari), 2 harmonicas, and 1 sitar.
3. Despite being a news junkie (listening to NPR, watching the evening news, watching Meet the Press, reading Huffington Post), I only read the funnies in the Sunday paper.
4. I like to paint my toe nails. But not red or pink because that makes me think of my mother's toe nails.
5. Despite being a vegetarian, I DO NOT LIKE eggplant or orange squashes.

The cutest cheeks in town

Mumzy Hester Day

I love my Monday outings with Hester. We went shopping for Clementine's birthday this week. It was awesome. We found a great deal on . . . Oh, no, Clementine! No peaking!

Last week, I pulled a new parent forgetful moment. I packed up everything I could think of in my diaper bag for the afternoon of errands. We got to the mall and Hester started to cry. So I headed to Starbucks, got a drink and lunch, and sat down to feed her. I had her bottle with the water measured out but had forgotten to put the container of formula powder into my bag. So we booked it out of the mall and drove to Target. There, I bought more formula (and some $.99 onesies on sale!! Go big C). We then drove to another Starbucks where she enjoyed a soy formula and I had another drink.

This week's outing was much calmer and more organized. I did not forget anything. We strolled the mall and shopped until Hester was hungry. So we went to Starbucks. We did have a great time dancing to "Day-o" and laughing at the Starbucks. Yes, I go to Starbucks a lot with her but it is not for the drinks. Here are my reasons for going there.
1. They let you sit there as long as you want.
2. They have clean bathrooms.
3. They have changing tables in the bathrooms.
4. They are pleasant and have nice chairs.
5. They often play good music which makes slow feedings much more enjoyable for Mumzy!
6. OK, I'll admitt it, I like the drinks there.

I cannot wait for next weeks adventure! I don't know what it is yet. Hey Hester, do you have any good ideas?

Thoughts about Parents

My parents continue to email me after receiving the photo greeting cards we make of Hester (we have been doing on each major holiday). They even sent a stuffed lamb for Easter to Hester. I am surprised that everyone was right that they may be in contact more when I had a child. I am happy, mostly, with the tentative nature of our interactions. I wonder if this is the start of re-establishing our relationship or not.

When I hold Hester, my mind wanders to thinking about how my parents held me. I think a lot about my mother. I think about how much I love Hester and how my mother must have felt the same way when holding me. I think about how I never want to be estranged from Hester and how much it must hurt my mother to be estranged from me. I wonder about her choices in regards to me, especially the choice to cling to religions that say being queer is bad. I know God and religions are powerful forces in her life but each time I look at Hester, each time I hold her, each time I see her I feel the presence of God with each of us and in the love we have for each other. I wish my mother and father could get beyond what man says God believes and could see that God made me in His image as much as he made them in His image. I wish they could see God in Hester, Clementine, and themselves. I am not so angry with them anymore. I am more surprised that something made by men, religion, could come between the love a parent has for their child.

Finally, a moment to blog

Things have been so busy lately. Having a little baby at home really limits how much I am able to do in my time home. Especially since I jump at any chance to take care of her since I am away from her so much when I am working.

So the first week at work was good but it got much worse after that. During my second week at work, the census at work was down and there was more time to think about home than usual. I ached in my heart to be away from Hester. I counted the moments to the end of my shift. I stared at pictures of Hester. I tried not to cry. Since that week, each week seems a little bit better. But even now, as I think about being at work all day and into the night tomorrow, I feel the tears rise.

Work is picking up and some new children have arrived that look to be interesting and challenging to work with. That is good for I will have less time to think about where I wish I was.

Smile!

It is all Okey Dokey

Except I don't have much free time to blog, knit, or answer emails.

So being back to work has been OK, good even. I am actually happy to be at work but still so very happy to be a parent. I do love my job and the time away and the changes in me since Hester was born have made me really get back to what I love about it. I am recharged and focused while I am there. I have a different perspective that I am not sure I can quite sum up yet. It helps so much that work is such a nice community of people who all know each other's business. Everyone asks about Hester and asks me how I am doing being back. I get the usual question about how much she is sleeping. It is really nice to work with such a nice group of people. Also, the patients are so very compelling and amazing. I really enjoy working with them and seeing them grow, heal, and smile.

I think one thing working in my benefit as I have resumed working is that I am excellent at compartmentalizing my life. So when I am at work, I am there and not much else exists. When I am home, I am there and work does not exist. I am very appreciative of this skill now.

We have come up with a pretty good feeding schedule, well, schedule of who will do what night feeding. I do the ones the nights that I am at work that way Clementine can sleep and do the early morning one if Hester happens to wake then. I am happy doing it too. I treasure the quiet night feeding, holding Hester, and rocking her to sleep. I don't talk with her much for I am trying to reinforce that night is not a time to wake up and play. So we listen to some music and just look at each other while she eats. These times have become very special to me. Throughout the day today, when I had a moment free, I could feel Hester in my arms from the night before, the weight of her, the warmth of her and her soft blanket, the smell of her, and the sound of her soft coos. These thoughts bring such peace and joy to me.

As the end of my shift rolls around, I feel myself getting excited to come home and be with my family. There is a lightness that has settled into my heart since my little family grew to three. My focus has shifted to more domestic than ever before. This shift feels good to me.

I know that I am more likely to grow weary of my commute and want to find a job near home sooner now that Hester is here. I am OK with that too. So, while I am at work, I am really focused on getting the projects I wanted to accomplish finished and really enjoying the time I am there. I am not going to go anytime soon but within the next five years, I can see myself moving on.

So that is where I am. Hester is waking so I better go. Thanks for checking in on me.

Already?

It is my first day back to work. Wish me luck!

Gone?

I stopped the domperidone last week for it had been six weeks and that is as long as my doctor said I could take it. It is a medication that stimulates lactation. Up to that point, I was making an ounce a day and was pretty happy about it. But my milk quickly diminished to mere droplets within a week. I am so sad that it may be ending. I liked making milk for Hester. I really worked hard to embrace it and move through my emotional shit to get to a good place about breasts, babies, and milk. And I did it. But now, it seems like it is gone and I am done. I have been too sad to pump the last two days. However, I still get droplets after showers. I am still taking the herbal cocktail, yummo. Yesterday, I called the lactation consultants at Hester's hospital to see what they had to say. When Hester was discharged, they said to call if I had any questions or concerns. I have not heard back from them. I hope there is something more I can do but if not, I guess it will be over. It went by to quickly.