Dignity

I've had two medical appointments in less than a week and feel unsettled about the whole thing. Monday's appointment was my yearly physical. First, the johnny they gave me had a heart lead sticker stuck inside it with some one's hair stuck to that. Eeeww! So, I took it off and put the johnny on only to find that it did not even come close to fitting. It did not close, in fact, there was a good 3 - 4 inches of exposed flesh. So I covered up with the paper "blanket." So very undignified. I tried to go through the exam acting like none of that bothered me or made me feel wrong for being a person of size. But inside, I felt I was the wrong size, not the stupid johnny. It was not fun.

Today, I had my first mammogram. The woman seemed almost irked that I did not know how to stand or move my body. Her directions were vague like "turn in." When I asked her to clarify, she said never mind. She did not even direct me how to place my breast, MY BREAST, on the machine. Instead, she grabbed it and placed it there and moved it about. Did you know it isn't just your breast they squish the hell out of? No, it is your chest/shoulder muscle and that is the part that hurts. When I would close my eyes to try to go to some inner peace place, she would tell me "eyes open." I have no idea why. After 7 x-rays, I left the room with red marks all around each breast and feeling useless and stupid.

I am deeply unhappy that I felt like I was the wrong size at my physical, like the johnny was a not so subtle message from the nurse to loose weight. And I am deeply unhappy about the mammogram tech. One should not leave an appointment, especially one as important as screening for breast cancer, feeling useless and stupid. This has been a very bad week for health care experiences for me.

Sadly, I have at least one more undignified appointment coming up, a uterine ultrasound, both external and internal. I cannot wait to see how that one goes.

Poor Clementine

Clementine wrote this blog about me today. However, I feel for her today. She had a baby wake up at nap time and cry so much, he woke up the rest of the group, many of whom cried. She is having the worse day.

Concern

Someone close is taking a step into either a new way of being or back to a destructive time. I pray it will be the first. Please be careful.

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

I joined Facebook this weekend.

Unsure

I was unsure what to say when my daughter took my underware (boxers with flames on them) from the dirty cloths bin and said "cute." Any thoughts?

Stress

So yeah, it is 4 AM and I am awake. I cannot sleep. The dog woke me up by barking a ton and throwing up. After taking care of that, I still could not sleep. Too many things on my mind.

Work has been wicked stressful since I got back from our vacation. I think it was stressful before the vacation but I had not relaxed for so long, I did not know just how stressful it had become. I recently had to gather together all the things I have done at work for our clinical advancement program. When I typed up all the committees I have been on, the special projects I have worked on, the research I do, my different actions as a leader, etc., I saw there was a huge discrepancy between how my boss treats me and what the paper said. I had so many more points than needed to maintain my clinical leader status (highest level of the clinical ladder). So my questions since vacation has been "why do I feel like I am on the verge of fucking up when I actually am far from a fuck up?" And the answer is within management. I wish I could say more but fear retribution if found out. However, the other thing I have learned of recent is how much I am respected by other managers and upper management. When I hear that the head of the medical branch of the hospital, a world renowned researcher in burn care, respects my work and research, I about cried on the spot. Medical facilities are so very based on hierarchy and I am very low on that hierarchy. To be noticed by the chief medical officer is pretty good. So, I have decided to not feel like I am a fuck up but to look at the macro view of me and the hospital. However this shift, although less stressful for me in the long range, is very stressful in the short range. Shifting perspectives like this is taking me time to adjust to. Hence, I am up at fucking 3:30 AM.

There is plenty more stress at work though that adds to this inability to fall back asleep. Abstracts for the American Burn Association are due on the 21st and I need to have my data analyzed so I can submit. I do not know squat about stats and have to rely upon other staff. They are always quite happy to help but I feel bad that I cannot do this all by myself. I know, no man (or woman) is an island. But I have built my career, including my research, by myself, except for the stats part. I have not had the luck to get a leg up from anyone.

Until now. There is a resident at a hospital next door that wants to continue his research on the effects of music on hypermetabolic state at my hospital. I was asked to help him out. We met yesterday, the resident, the assistant chief of staff, the research nurse, and I to discuss his research plans. My bottom line to help out was to be an author and the resident agreed. I was not too sure because much of the meeting was conducted between the doctors and I felt like I was not even there. I was wicked stressed for that meeting but it worked out.

I have had so many meetings of late that I have not been able to devote adequate time to my clinical load. I see some kids 1 to 2 times a week instead of every day I am there. This is bothering me greatly.

Oh, a few years ago, I received a grant award that is funding one of my research projects. It was to be completed in one year but has not been completed yet. There are a myriad of reasons including red tape, subject evaporation (when your study finally gets approved and all potential subjects disappear even though the hospital was filled with them the week before), clinical load not allowing me time to do the research sessions, procedures starting without me there to conduct the research, etc. But it is poking along. I have 8 more subjects to do to complete it.

Well, the 10th anniversary of the grant award is coming up and at this conference in Nov., I have been asked to present on my research (my incomplete research). Great. So, I said yes and hoped it would be completed. Well, the due date for the PowerPoint slides is MONDAY and I have not started yet. Luckily, it is a 10 minute presentation but FUCK, what am I going to say? And my hospital wants us to use their new template with the new branding design for all talks but I cannot figure out how to use their template. It is too much in the graphic designer stage and not a simple template that has all the colors and shapes they want that I can just enter my text. Crap. Now I have to see if the graphic design guy at work can help me out TODAY and I still do not have any fucking clue what I am going to say in the presentation.

And it is day surgery day so I am in pre-op all morning without a second to work on any of this other stuff. Or see my regular patients.

And the dog is sick.

And I have not had more than 5 hours of sleep any night this week.

And Sarah Palin. Or however she spells her name.

And friends are in distress.

And I have a HUGE to do list for the house.

And I have hardly seen my wife or daughter this week.

I am gonna buy the BIG coffee today cause I am going to need it.

Vacation

So, today we leave for a weeks vacation at the beach. Hester says beach like "bitch" which is endless fun for my addled brain.

A funny note, our scooba, Mr. Belvedere, stopped working. He was still under warenty so we sent him back to be replaced. Hester was disturbed that he was not here and asks about him all the time. So we started saying he was on vacation visiting his "family."

I will try to post while we are away but do not know the avaliability of internet.

The Commuter Blues Lite

I know my blog has taken a turn towards the silly and not intense topics. It isn't like they all faded away from my life. Dude, I work at a pediatric burn hospital so you know I work in intense all day. I just got sick of the constant downer and angst of my writing.

The Funniest Webpage Ever!!!

I mean it. You gotta go to http://www.failblog.org/
I laugh so much looking at it. My office mates love it and laugh til they cry. Clementine laughs to crying too. Dude, you gotta go. Stop what you are doing and go right now. You will thank me later.

Also, this video on FailBlog was priceless today. OMG! Ken Leeeeeee

Tolkien vs. Jo

Jo, the kitty, regularly attacks my J.R.R. Tolkien books. Is she a huge fan and expressing her love as only a kitty can? Or maybe she hates his writing and tries to destroy the books? Maybe she is frustrated that she cannot turn the pages? Or do the books smell particularly pleasing to a cat? Are the books infused with salmon or catnip? Does she need more fiber in her diet? I have no idea why. Any ideas?

New Glasses

As promised, Clara is debuting my new glasses. Do you like them?

Haircut

I finally got one today. Before Hester, it was every 4 weeks. Now I go 2-3 months without a hair cut. She cut A LOT of hair off of me today and my head feels about 80 pounds lighter. But dude, where did all that silver come from?

More Sci-Fi Fun

I knew JPP was a big fan of the new Battlestar Galactica so about a month ago, I started watching it. Thank you Netflix. Yesterday, I sent back the first disc for season 2. It just keeps getting better. Unlike Torchwood, they have great special effects and the cylons are wicked cool. I cannot quite figure out all the characters motivations yet and that keeps me enthralled with it. I cannot wait to watch the next DVD!

Halso, I love that Starbuck is a lady! She kicks serious ASS. I also like how they brought characteristics and behaviours of the original Starbuck to the new one, while giving her depth the original never had.

Halso, humaniod cylons are wicked cool too. I don't remember them in the origional. Were they there too?

It has been years since I watched the original but as much as I remember, it was not nearly so dark and desperate as this one is. Yeah, they were running from the cylons and were searching for Earth, but it was much happier, as were all most shows back then. I like how this remake has lost the innocence and shows humans running, in fear of extinction, and turning on each other. It is a much more honest appraisal of humanity.

I think that is one thing I really like about sci-fi books and movies. It often takes one far flung condition and then runs with it, exploring the very edges of humanity and human behavior, exposing the benevolent and the evil in each of us.

Honestly, I like aliens too.

Bummer and Bonus

I got off work early Thursday and was so happy coming home on the train. I was going to get home during nap time. I could either a) nap on the couch, or b) watch episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Then when Hester woke up, we could go do something fun together. I noticed my glasses were more wonkey than usual. They have not been quite right since Hester yanked them off my face and threw them across the room a few months ago. Well, I was adjusting the arm back and suddenly, it came off in my hand. I could not believe they were broken. Things are a bit tight this month and we have other expenses we need to focus on. New glasses are not cheep, especially for my f'd up eyes.

Clementine was fantastic and reassured me. We talked about our budget and how we could afford new glasses. She reminded me of my FSA account and we called to get the balance on it. So I taped them up and off I went to Pearl Vision.


While I was there, I remembered I have vision insurance through work. I called the HR person and she told me the name of the plan and looked up my level of coverage which was really good. I was so happy, I almost started crying. Pearl vision did not take my insurance so I left.

Through the insurance website, I found a eye doctor not even a block from my work and made an appointment for Friday. They were all super nice and the eye doctor did all the usual tests. She dilated my eyes and gave me these lovely "sunglasses" to wear. Hot! Especially with the taped glasses. I had to wear them even inside for almost three hours after the appointment. Lights were that bright. My coworkers got a huge laugh at my sexy new look.


Anyway, my eyes are healthy. She checked my prescription and saw it needed a bit of a change. When she demonstrated the change, I could have kissed her. Distance has been wicked blurry for me for the past few years. Even with my last prescription, it was blurry. I had given up having clear distance vision, thinking my eyes were just too far gone. But no, when she put the additional lenses up to my glasses to demonstrate the new prescription, I could see ALL of the letters, even the wee little ones. God, it was great.

I also talked to her about having trouble with my reading lenses. She told me that for bifocals, they make them so reading distance is about 18 inches from your face. However, with my astigmatism, I probably read about 4-6 inches from my face, without my glasses which is exactly true. By moving the page further away, I could then read perfectly with my reading lenses. Again, I was so thrilled.

Let me just say, picking out frames is wicked hard when your eyes are all dilated and you are wincing at the slightest light and you cannot focus properly. The lady assisting me picked out these big chunky black and red Christian Dior frames. Ummm, no. I chose some cool new frames that are more sturdy than the last, which means no thin wire frames. I think you all will approve of the new look which Clara the dog will be debuting in 1 to 1 1/2 weeks. Remember the last debut?

It was a bummer that my glasses broke and that my afternoon plans were changed, but it was a huge bonus that my glasses total with cool new frames (originally 229 but under 90 with the insurance discount), lenses (20 plus 51 for anti-reflection and something more for super thin cause my eyes are that bad), and the $20 eye check-up, was $249. If you wear glasses, you know that is a KICK ASS price for non-hideous, non-80's, non-taupe glasses frames. I am thrilled!

Torchwood

I have started watching Torchwood, a sci-fi show from the BBC. It is awesome as it has aliens, interesting plots, compelling characters, and everyone is a bit gay. Oh, they all seem to be kissing or having sex too.

Some of the aliens are well done with special effects like this gaseous alien that has lots of sex. Funny, when I am gaseous, sex is the last thing I want to do.

This one was pretty cool too. Great special effects. When in human form, she was wicked gay!

This one, well, it was just silly. As she chased the Torchwood cast around their secret lair, she made these big booming steps, being she is part metal, I guess. It was nothing but cheese.

This one was the worst. It was a cool premise but when it was awakened and moving around, it looked like a big sock puppet being moved around by a talented toddler with the characters superimposed in front of it looking scared they were going to be smashed.

Oh well, crazy aliens have never stopped me before. I was a faithful Dr. Who fan and once they had a monster that was pretty much a man under a blanket flailing about. But I kept watching. I also loved and could recite many of the old Star Trek episodes with my brother. They had some doozies of aliens too. Remember the positive and negative sides of the same man who would fight and the camera would go all black and white and reverse black and white? Good times.

Catch Up.

Clementine has been after me to post again. So here is my post of what I have been up to.

1. Our farm share started and both of us are trying to cook and eat all the veggies we get. They are delicious but definitely more than we usually have. Both of us are making conscious efforts to eat veggies we may not like a lot in order to model good eating behaviour to Hester as well as to not send all this food to the compost bin. Also, our garden is growing beautiful tomatoes.
   
   
2. We went to our town's 4th of July concert and fireworks display. As we ran around with Hester, I noticed that the program was exactly the same as two years ago but different from last year. We laughed at the possibility that they only have two programs of music that they rotate.



3. Clementine and Hester visited the in-laws in July. They were gone for 5 days but it felt much longer. Instead of moping around the house, I worked on remodeling this toy kitchen. I sanded it, replaced the hardware, painted it, and polyurethanes it. Not bad, eh?



4. When they returned, we went to Clementine's family reunion. Lots of visiting in a few days.
   
5. The weather has been lots of rain and thunderstorms which have curtailed our Mumzy-Hester day adventures. We did go to two zoos recently. Hester has learned to say emu, flamingo, and buffalo. Also, we saw this tiger swimming because it was so hot.


6. Hester had her 18 month blood work including the lead test (2!!) and a extra test for a condition she might have since birth but they could not test until now. She does not have it and Clem and I are breathing a big sigh/sob of relief. I did not know I was so worried about it. Also, someone is getting four teeth at the same time.



7. Hester has started exhibiting anxiety in the doctor's office. We purchased a doctor kit, I brought home some syringes, and we bought some going to the doctor books. We do lots of medical play to teach her about the different medical equipment, gain mastery over them, and allow her to play her experiences. It helped some but clearly we need to do more. Her doctor is cool with us stopping by to say hi between now and her 2 year appointment.



8. Also, 2 year appointment!!!! Halso!!!!!!!



9. We went to a spray pool with friends from our Queer Adoptive Parents group. It is so great to have friends. Hester loved playing in the pool. So did we cause it was so HOT!
10. Hester has started showing interest in the potty so we bought a book about it (Mr. Rogers) and she sits on the potty when she wants to throughout the day. It is just the beginning and we just want her to get comfortable with the idea of the potty.



11. We went to the wedding of a former intern. It was in Wellfleet (Cape Cod) and was so very beautiful. Hester was so taken with the bride and groom, she learned their names and called to them throughout the party. She also got to walk on the beach the first time. She loved the ocean and the sand.



12. At work, I hosted nine visitors from a music therapy program in Japan. We had a mini conference with the other music therapist I work with, a music therapist who works at a hospital near by, and I presenting on medical music therapy. It was really cool to meet them. They were so very appreciative and the professor had the students sing two songs to thank me. It was beautiful. The professor was so excited for my work and what I was saying, she wants me to come to present in Japan. That would be way cool. She also thought I should be teaching medical music therapy at a local university, where she got her Masters degree. She was going to talk to the head of the program there about me. OK, that would be way cool too.



13. I have nine subjects to go on one study I am working on. Oh, please, may it be done soon!!!!



14. I was asked to serve on a small (6 person) task force by the president of the American Music Therapy Association. We are to work on the research priority. I am a bit nervous about this as the other five members are professors, PhDs, and superstars in research. I have a MA, am a clinician, and have published only 2 research articles. I feel a bit out of my league on this one. Actually, I feel WAY out of my league. EEEEE!!!!



15. Work is very busy, intense, and stressful. I'll stop there so I don't write any horribly downer post about it.
    

So that is the past month. Kind of busy, I guess. Funny, now I see why I have not posted much. I will try to post more. OK Clementine?

Happy Pride Everybody

It is Pride here in MA. Tomorrow is the parade in Boston and we are going with friends. It will be nice. I am happy it is Pride and thrilled to live in the most free state in the Union. I just feel a bit lack luster cause I have Hester's most recent cold. I secretly want to stay in bed and sleep. But Pride comes once a year (unless you travel about going to the different major cities' Pride celebrations making it last for a month or more) and I need to perk up and be gay.

Note to self: do not share ice cream cones with daughter who has a cold.

Hospital Q

A few things have happened at work over the past few months that have been uncomfortable for me as a queer person. One that is more recent and has stuck with me for a while was when a coworker wanted to play for me the two gay songs from the musical "Avenue Q." She thought I would find them funny; I did not. Alright, the songs were mildly amusing but the fact she thought I would like them because I am gay did not thrill me at all. As I sat there listening to songs who's main theme was the fear of coming out, I watched her chortle until she was nearly in tears. I was not amused at all at this point. When the songs ended, I said I had to go see a patient or something and left. I did not tell her my feelings about the songs for a) everyone in my dept. is thrilled about "Avenue Q" currently, b) I don't want to come off as the angry militant dyke, and c) I wanted to think about my reaction.



I talked with Clementine that evening about it. She understood where i was coming from and said she would feel about the same too. She said she thought I was upset because it is a musical for younger people and I am too old for it. I heard what she was saying and agreed to a point. But i thought it was something more.

I was upset that my coworker, who probably has never had to live in the closet, fearful to be her true self because of family, church, societal rejection, loosing a job, loosing housing, violence, self-fear/loathing, etc., was getting her jollies listening to a song about having a beard (made up or fake girlfriend for a gay man). I have been in the position to fear coming out of the closet, fearful of society, loosing my internship, loosing friends, loosing housing, scorn, and violence. I have been there when the pressures to be your honest true self are warring with the pressures to hide and you feel like one will cause you to explode while the other will crush you. That was years ago but I remember it well. More recently, despite living very out and open, every day there are options and choices to make of do i come out to this person or not, do I say something to the librarian, the plumber, the patient's mother, the waitress, etc. How dare she laugh at this, this woman who has no idea, no hint of understanding of what it is to be under these pressures. How dare she laugh and share it with me, expecting me to find it funny because I am gay?

It could be the thing where when you are a minority, it is OK to poke fun at yourself and the group to which you belong but if you are part of the majority, it is not cool to poke fun at a minority group. Some language and jokes can be off-limits for members of the majority. Like Clementine can call me a dyke but if my straight coworkers cannot. If Clementine had played the song for me, I may have had a totally different experience and laughed my ass off, but that is because she knows. My coworker, from what I can tell, does not know. Not at all.

It seems to be a culture at the hospital to share anti-queer comments with me too, as they look to me to support their f'd up viewpoints. Comments have been made to me about a transgender kid who comes in periodically to the hospital. Many of us have known this kid since early school age and now the kid is a teen. We have known him as a boy who loved Barbie. Now she appears to be living as a woman. And my coworkers think it is OK to come to me with comments about her appearance and what she chooses to wear. They think I will understand and sympathize with their discomfort. I try to educate but it falls on deaf ears and the more I try the worse it gets.

I reached the end of my rope about it and emailed management that I have heard these comments. I pointed out how it creates a unsafe environment for the queer and transgender kids at the hospital. They listened and are working to provide education to the staff about GLBTQ issues. They even asked my input on possible speakers. Good, huh?

Well, I guess it is time for this because the head of the nurse education staff told me that she had to Google LGBTQ to find out what it stood for. She thought it was funny she did not know.

Mystic Aquarium

Hester, Clementine and I went on our Mystical Fish Adventure last weekend and had a wonderful time. The adventure was a trip to Mystic, CT. There we went to the Mystic Aquarium (fun), Mystic Pizza (yum), toodling around the downtown area, and watching a Memorial Day parade.

Here are some pictures.

PS. Don't go to Mystic Aquarium on Memorial Day Weekend unless you love large unruly crowds.

Get a Life

Yeah, news agencies need to find something real to report on.
Gahh!