Light Up a Cigar

Tonight, I am going to sit out on my porch, drink a beer, and light up a cigar. Yesterday, I reviewed the letter to my parents with my therapist and decided it is time. Last night, I made some editorial changes (language stuff) and emailed my brother to find out how best to reach them. Tonight, I emailed the letter to them. It is such a relief to be done. I have been working up to this for years.

Day of Silence

Things have changed so much for LGBT youth since I was young.

I need a change

Today, even our postal carrier was surprised to deliver a Christmas gift from my parents. And why not, it is freaking Earth Day. You could not be much farther away from Christmas. The USPS box had a note written on it telling us to not open the package until Christmas.

I have found it is best to open gifts from my parents quite a distance from any holiday. It helps me to deal with the emotions I feel about them not on the holiday. This makes holidays a bit easier for me. So we opened it. It was weird and not our style. Much like a gift your weird aunt you never see gives you. But it wasn’t from a weird aunt; it was from my parents, the people who are supposed to know you so well.

My parents do not know me. They cling to images of what they think I am. They reject my homosexuality and that I am a survivor, two huge components of who I am. They have never seen my house. They don’t know I have a dog or two cats. They met my wife twice. They have never seen where I work. They do not know I have a broken leg. They do not know we are adopting a child, at some point yet to be determined by DSS.

Getting these cards and gifts from them reminds me of the huge distance that exists between us. It reminds me that I need to do something about it. I am not going to span it for it is up to them to come towards me this time. I tried going towards them too many times only to be hurt again. So I wrote them a letter. I am taking it to my therapist this week to discuss. I am fully aware that my actions can lead to a myriad of consequences and I am willing now to accept the consequences. I may lose them completely. I may open up channels for healing. Nothing may happen. I accept all the possibilities because I do not want to feel like this any more. Something has got to change.

Bad and Good News

I went to the orthopedist today. The entire staff there was quite nice and personable. They took some new x-rays. The bad news is that I have a fracture of my tibia as well as a 2-3 grade sprain.* The fracture is vertical and is located where the ligament or tendon attaches to the bone.

The good news is that the fracture does not affect the treatment or outcome of the sprain. The doctor was impressed with how much the swelling has gone down. Thank you RICE! The doctor said the prognosis was good and that I should be back to normal in 3-4 weeks. I can go to one crutch now. I will start PT next week and the PTs will decide when I can go to a different brace. I am hoping soon! I get to go back to work Monday.

I am so thrilled and relieved! I have been really worried about this. Thanks to everyone who told me to RICE it and stay off my feet. And a HUGE thank you to my wife who has been so good to me, getting me everything I need and not complaining at all. She has had to do all the work around here while I sit on the couch with my foot up. I am really so lucky to have such a kind and loving wife who is so attentive despite having many little children here needing her attention throughout the day. She is the best!

* 3 is the worst grade of sprain

I'm Off

Hey,
I got the rest of the week off. I talked with my boss who supports me taking it easy on the ankle. I am happy and relieved but also a bit bummed to be out so long. One good thing, I get to use my EIB instead of PTO! Yes.

Song List

Hey friends,
I have been asked to play at a good friend's wedding. I need a half hour of songs to play before the wedding, the song for the entrance, the song for the candle lighting, and the exit song. It is me singing and playing guitar. Any good ideas?

Coffee

I love coffee in the morning. I love the first swallows of it where you feel it go all the way down to your belly, warming you as it goes. I love the taste of good coffee that is prepared right. Luckily, I am married to a former barista who knows more about coffee than I ever thought possible. And she knows how to brew it just right and how much ½ and ½ I like. No sugar for me, thank you.

I was feeling pretty crappy this morning even after my dose of Motrin and Claritin. My ankle hurt, my head was groggy, I felt tired, and my armpits hurt from the crutches. I just did not want to face the day. But as I sat here blogging, that talented former barista brought me a beautiful steaming cup of Ethiopian Sidamo. After a few drinks, I felt so much better. I actually felt like I could do the crutches again, armpit pain be damned. Coffee is the elixir of life. I bet Jesus likes it too.

Changes

I have felt so helpless since falling on Sunday. I cannot do much because I am on crutches and have to keep my foot elevated and iced at all times. Tonight, my wife was preparing for an interview after the children left and I could not do much of anything to help except I did wiped down the surfaces in the bathroom. Also, over the past two days, I feel like I am a burden because she already has children to take care of and I am asking her to get me more ice packs, a glass of water, coffee, etc. I cannot go get anything because I don’t have a spare hand. I do wear a hoodie a lot so I can pile things in the pocket and even the hood if I am desperate. Periodically yesterday, I felt like crying because I am so helpless, this is such a stupid accident, I cannot work, and worry that it will not heal for a very long time.

I did start to feel better today when I started working on a professional manuscript for publishing. I had wanted to get working on this for months but just did not have the time. And here I am blogging instead of working on it. Do I feel bad? Nah, I will do it after I blog.

It is funny how one silly second, stepping on a ball, can change your life so much. The second before, I am moving, doing, and active. The second after, I am helpless, immobile, and unproductive. The second before, I had plans to start walking to work from the train station and to start riding my bike from the train station in my hometown to my house. The second after, I am wondering if I can afford to take a taxi from South Station to work so I don’t have to walk a ton on my crutches. Life is just weird like that.

Easter in the ER

Easter this year sucked. Check out my wife's blog for a brilliant retelling of the events.

When I first started my blog, I decided to use different names for myself and for my wife. But it seems silly since we have many of the same readers. So, from now on, I will call her by her blog name, AJWP.

I hope everyone else's Easter was more fun than ours.
Love,
Hashbrown

Blossoms

Today, the trees exploded with blossoms. Or did it happen slowly and I did not notice because I was only thinking about work and commuting? I saw them today and they are beautiful. Life has returned after the long, rainy winter. I am joyful to see the blooming trees on the street as well as the brightly blooming bulbs and the tender shoots of the perennials in our gardens.

I am under a torrential downpour of work and opportunities. This is what I have strived for. I am being asked to speak at conferences or asked to submit proposals by my boss. I am doing research and writing papers. I love it all but I feel like all of this extra stuff is pulling me away from my clinical work, my caseload, my responsibilities, my clients, the reasons I do the extra stuff.

Today, in the midst of rewriting a proposal due today, I could no longer think or write. My boss suggested going for a coffee and taking a break. When stepped outside the hospital (onto Blossom St. if you can believe that), I saw the trees in bloom. The same trees I walk under each morning, even this morning, on my way to work and then I walk under them on my way home each evening. But I did see them today, gorgeous pink and white blossoms covering all of the branches. And that was enough. I walked back to my desk with my coffee and finished the proposal.

I saw the trees and remembered how much I miss pursuing my career. All week, I got home after the sunset and only got to see the gardens with the beautiful daffodils in the dark. We worked so hard to plant them. I dreamed so much over winter about the flowers. Now they are here and where am I? Coming home late in the dark because of some proposal deadline.

I am at war with myself over what is most important and where to put my time. My wife is really most important. Our life together means more to me than I can ever say. But my work means so much to me. You should see the faces of those I work with when I sing a song to change their day. That moment means so much to me and to them. I also believe so strongly in my profession and work to better it through research, presenting, students, mentoring, etc. The problem is where I have the opportunities is so far from where my home is.

I don’t know what will happen when we have a child. I do not think I will be happy seeing her/him bloom only at night just as I am unhappy seeing the flowers at night. I don’t know how to make it all fit together.

First Kiss

Seven years ago today, my wife and I started dating. For a few weeks, we were working up to dating with long conversations in person and on the phone, awkward moments of almost kissing, and lots of fluttery feelings when daydreaming. Finally, that night after band practice, we stood next to our cars talking and finally kissed.

We spent the night together, much of it talking as we embraced upon her bed. That morning as we prepared to part, I asked if we were dating or was it a causal thing. She said we were dating and at that moment, my world shifted. I knew that moment that this was no ordinary relationship forming and I was filled with a calmness I had never experienced when first starting up with someone.

I know we are silly to celebrate so many days. Good lord, we have three wedding anniversaries, why do we both remember April 13th on top of all the rest? I remember it because this relationship and Peaches herself have changed my life so profoundly. It is easy to let our awareness of the special-ness between us shift out of focus as life’s demands capture our attentions. Keeping this day and every anniversary day in my mind helps me to cherish the beauty that is Peaches and all that she has brought to my life.

Jesus is Risen

I got home from work two days ago and found an Easter card in the mail from my parents. I opened it up and my eyes were greeted with a Biblical passage about Christ rising from the grave. Below the passage, the card was simply signed “love, Mom and Dad.” Peaches was hopping mad about it and still is tonight. For once, I was not hurt or upset by their correspondence. I keep waiting for something to happen, tears, anger, something, but none of the usual responses are coming. Maybe therapy is working.

First Time

I went to a baby shower today at work. As I sat there watching the mom-to-be open her gifts, I found my eyes drifting to someone else’s six-week-old baby. I started thinking about our baby, wondering “is our baby going to be that small?” Suddenly, all the possibilities of what our baby may look like were flowing before my eyes. Today was the first time our baby was more than an idea to me.

Dessert in the Desert

When in Vegas, I stayed at Paris, which reminded me of Epcot with a casino and slot machines. I had the same feeling of fake that I get at Epcot. I must admit I was kind of disgusted at the people who marveled at the reproductions of the Arc, Eiffel Tower, and the famous fountains. If you want to see it, go to see the real thing. In the hotel's defense, the room was quite nice, large, and very clean. I appreciate a clean room. The soaps in the bathroom were very nice with a fabulous almond scent. And I did enjoy the crepes, pastries, and desserts at the Paris restaurants. So here is my photo essay of the desserts.


I must say that the weather there was gorgeous! It was divine to walk about in shorts and to sit out by the pool eating my box lunch from the conference, soaking in the rays. Once, I lived out in a desert-like climate and I miss it very much. The mountains in the distance reminded me of my old home.




The top dessert is a chocolate mousse with crunchy merainge coated with hard milk chocolate with the milk chocolate floral pattern on top as well. It was tasty and beautiful. Next is a key lime pie with raspberries. I think it was my favorite. The third is a raspberry mouse with lady fingers at the bottom and cake around the side. Very delicious.

Shark Week!!

Las Vegas was not a fun place for me. I don’t gamble, drink excessively, or utilize sex trade workers. There was not a lot left for me to do there when I was not in meetings. I did go to nearly all the big hotels and explore their alternative attractions like the lions at MGM Grand, penguins at Flamingo, King Tut exhibit at Luxor, the fountain and botanical gardens at Bellagio, and Sharks at Mandalay Bay.

The sharks were moving and the light was dim which created a blurry but spooky effect when I photographed them.






Now if you have gone to the aquariums at either coast, the aquarium at Mandalay Bay was not quite as good as those. The sharks were small and the exhibit was limited. But it was a great diversion from all the clanging slot machines.

Vegas is Tacky

Need I say more! Really, these speak for themselves.

Breast Ahoy!

I just got back from a business trip and did not have Internet connection to update my blog while I was gone.

I submit for your approval a photo essay of my Las Vegas trip. Yes, it is a photo essay of the breast. Breasts were everywhere: on billboards, on trucks driving by, on pieces of paper shoved at you as you walk down the street, on walls, and on statues.

All right, I know I am a lesbian but this has nothing to do with that. I was just amazed at the number of breasts I was surrounded with. And I did not even photograph all that I saw.