Blossoms

Today, the trees exploded with blossoms. Or did it happen slowly and I did not notice because I was only thinking about work and commuting? I saw them today and they are beautiful. Life has returned after the long, rainy winter. I am joyful to see the blooming trees on the street as well as the brightly blooming bulbs and the tender shoots of the perennials in our gardens.

I am under a torrential downpour of work and opportunities. This is what I have strived for. I am being asked to speak at conferences or asked to submit proposals by my boss. I am doing research and writing papers. I love it all but I feel like all of this extra stuff is pulling me away from my clinical work, my caseload, my responsibilities, my clients, the reasons I do the extra stuff.

Today, in the midst of rewriting a proposal due today, I could no longer think or write. My boss suggested going for a coffee and taking a break. When stepped outside the hospital (onto Blossom St. if you can believe that), I saw the trees in bloom. The same trees I walk under each morning, even this morning, on my way to work and then I walk under them on my way home each evening. But I did see them today, gorgeous pink and white blossoms covering all of the branches. And that was enough. I walked back to my desk with my coffee and finished the proposal.

I saw the trees and remembered how much I miss pursuing my career. All week, I got home after the sunset and only got to see the gardens with the beautiful daffodils in the dark. We worked so hard to plant them. I dreamed so much over winter about the flowers. Now they are here and where am I? Coming home late in the dark because of some proposal deadline.

I am at war with myself over what is most important and where to put my time. My wife is really most important. Our life together means more to me than I can ever say. But my work means so much to me. You should see the faces of those I work with when I sing a song to change their day. That moment means so much to me and to them. I also believe so strongly in my profession and work to better it through research, presenting, students, mentoring, etc. The problem is where I have the opportunities is so far from where my home is.

I don’t know what will happen when we have a child. I do not think I will be happy seeing her/him bloom only at night just as I am unhappy seeing the flowers at night. I don’t know how to make it all fit together.