I need a change

Today, even our postal carrier was surprised to deliver a Christmas gift from my parents. And why not, it is freaking Earth Day. You could not be much farther away from Christmas. The USPS box had a note written on it telling us to not open the package until Christmas.

I have found it is best to open gifts from my parents quite a distance from any holiday. It helps me to deal with the emotions I feel about them not on the holiday. This makes holidays a bit easier for me. So we opened it. It was weird and not our style. Much like a gift your weird aunt you never see gives you. But it wasn’t from a weird aunt; it was from my parents, the people who are supposed to know you so well.

My parents do not know me. They cling to images of what they think I am. They reject my homosexuality and that I am a survivor, two huge components of who I am. They have never seen my house. They don’t know I have a dog or two cats. They met my wife twice. They have never seen where I work. They do not know I have a broken leg. They do not know we are adopting a child, at some point yet to be determined by DSS.

Getting these cards and gifts from them reminds me of the huge distance that exists between us. It reminds me that I need to do something about it. I am not going to span it for it is up to them to come towards me this time. I tried going towards them too many times only to be hurt again. So I wrote them a letter. I am taking it to my therapist this week to discuss. I am fully aware that my actions can lead to a myriad of consequences and I am willing now to accept the consequences. I may lose them completely. I may open up channels for healing. Nothing may happen. I accept all the possibilities because I do not want to feel like this any more. Something has got to change.