Unsettled

I feel so unsettled tonight. Today was not a great day, however things turned out fine. There is so much on my mind and I don’t even know where to start of what to do with myself. I kind of just want to go to bed and forget about everything. But it is only 8 PM and I am too restless for that.

Therapy day always leads to a hard evening for me. I feel raw and open, processing what I talked about and what my therapist said. This family crap is so hard, so deeply set, it is like my battle with the vine weeds in the front garden. I dig deep and rip out as many roots as I can, and it comes back. I spray it with round up and it comes back. I hate those fucking weeds and I hate that I am still dealing with all these issues from my family.

It has been two weeks since I last emailed my parents. After receiving their itinerary, I emailed them, telling them that their email, while it may not have been intended to be mean, was mean and hurtful because it illuminated how they would be visiting each of my siblings and not me this summer. I told them to not send such emails to me any more. I have not heard from them at all. Not that I am dying to have it out with them but the message I hear is that I am not worth their time to respond.

In therapy and on the drive home, I thought a lot about feeling worthless, or feeling like I have to prove to others my worth because I do not believe others see it. It is not a good feeling to have. But it is there and has been there for so very long. I am sure it leads to my drive to over achieve in my field. I am sure it is one of the main causes for my anxiety. I am sure that it is the reason for my insecurity.

In the session, my therapist said something like, “I would like to talk about this more next time.” Hell yeah, I am ready and we are going there. I mean, it sucks to talk about it or feel it so very directly but I am sick of feeling it. I have every belief that with her guidance, I will exorcise this feeling and move forward. I feel I am on the edge of the next burst of growth and I am ready for it. I know it will hurt to go through it but hell; I already am hurting and have hurt for so many years from these things. It will not be that bad to walk through it and find the end of it. But that means nights like tonight, where I feel unsettled and don’t know what to do.