MIA

I am here, sort of. I spend my days during the week at work, trying to focus, train my interns, provide treatment for the ever increasing number of children, prepare for Joint Commission, prepare for the upcoming maternity leave, and and stay calm. Nights are spent at the NICU with Hester and Peaches, as are weekends. The nurses have been kind enough to let us stay when their census is low. When we sleep there, they come get us for her feedings through the night. It is quite nice but we are sleep deprived. The thought of going home tonight after visiting Hester makes me want to cry with joy that 1) I can snuggle up with my wife again, 2) I will be in my own bed with our pets, and 3) I can snuggle up with my wife again. It is hard to sleep next to each other but not with each other. She sleeps on the hospital bed; I sleep on the chair/cot/thing.

When at work, I see Hester's cute face in front of me nearly the entire day. My heart and body longs to be with her again. When I get there and can hold her again, I feel at ease again. Tired but at ease. I believe babies exude sleepy pheromones. Also, serious lack of good sleep here.

Also, the boob thing is really weird for me. It seriously fucks with me on so many levels. My gender identity is all a wacky from the whole milk producing thing. Also being a survivor really messes with the whole breast feeding thing. I am really weirded out that I may have Hester suckling at my breast. Also, the whole pleasure from baby at the breast thing is just about enough to send me over the edge. But I am trying to breath and take it one day at a time.

So far, I am only getting colostrum. Drops to maybe 1/8th a teaspoon. Probably less. I started the fenugreek, blessed thistle, alfalfa, and goat's rue concoction. Delicious. My boxers are filled with the scent of maple. I think people must think of pancakes when I walk by. Thanks Fenugreek. The lactation consultant had me order the donperedon, which I did today. And my Hospital grade pump came to the house tonight, the Lactina. I get to pump every 3 hours for 15 minutes. Oh joy. Good bye sleep. Hello dark circles and bags.

I am going through with this despite not feeling 100% thrilled because I know it will be of benefit to my daughter. The trouble this causes me is temporary. Some day in the next year, my boobs will no longer be a milk factory and will go back to having only one job again. But the benefits to Hester will last much longer than the inconvenience to me.

Hester is doing well. She will be at the NICU for a few more weeks. I long to have her home so one can crash on the couch or bed when the other holds her.

We have been so bestowed by innumerable gifts from friends and family. It is amazing the amount of gifts and hand me downs that we have received already. I have not been home to see it all but Clementine brings the camera with pictures of the daily haul to the hospital for me to view. It is just amazing to see all the stuff. And even more amazing to see is the support and love from our community of friends and family. We are so truly blessed.

I miss my home. I need to pay bills. I need a hair cut. I need sleep. I gotta take my herbs and pump. I miss sleeping next to my wife. I long to be with my daughter. I gotta go catch the train.

Suprise!

So, yeah, on my 40th birthday, I ascertained that yes, I have started to lactate. Spontaneously. No herbs or medication at all. Just my boobs and a baby. I did not even try to breast feed.

What the fuck?

I have spoken with my doctor, the lactation consultant, and the nurses at the NICU. The neonatalogist called last night to say he would write a script for a hospital grade breast pump. I am going on to the fenugreek and the rest of the herbal cocktail to produce more milk. As freaked as I have been about it, there is no doubt in my mind that this is a gift I can give my daughter.

Gotta shower and go to work.

Crazy boobs.

In or Out

Hester's cord fell off today and she has an Innie!

My Beautiful Daughter

I love her so much.

Here's Hester

Today was a day of so many emotions; I cannot even begin to explain it all. The birth family signed the surrenders today. Hester is ours. Legally, we started our lives together today as a family. I was so joyful, I could have leaped over a building. But today was the day that the birth parents said good bye to their little girl. The sadness was overwhelming. Having spent the last week with the birth family in close quarters and very intimately, both Clementine and I were acutely aware that our dream coming true of having a daughter was because of another family's loss. That little girl is my heart and I feel such joy that she is now my daughter but it is tempered by the image burned in my mind of her birth mother and father as they passed her to me and left.

So many people celebrate this day each year with their child, calling it names like "Gotcha Day." It is common in adoption to mark this important day in the life of the adoptive family. But I do not feel this is a day for cakes and parties. It is much more somber.

I am home for a moment

The baby has moved to the NICU for management of the symptoms of her medical condition we knew about before the birth. She is doing as expected, following the course of the disorder. The nurses there are very kind. Each has had listening ears for each us when it gets to be overwhelming. They gave us the direct number to the NICU and permission to call as often and when ever we want to check on her. Each kind word and act gives us such comfort.

Yesterday, I was feeling very stressed after lunch. When I got back to the unit, the nurse invited me to come sit with the baby as she slept in the NICU. Just being next to her brought so much calm to my overwrought heart.

The date of the surrender has been moved all around over the past two days. It is now rescheduled for Thursday again but that did not sound definite when I spoke with the birth family's social worker last night. A good sign is that I am going to pick up all the paperwork we have to sign today.

We have not had the time to answer the many comments, emails, and phone calls we have received over the past week. Please know we read them all, share them with each other, and feel the love from everyone. Your words make a huge difference to both of us. Please keep both families and the baby in your thoughts and prayers.

Just One Look

We spent the day with the baby yesterday at the hospital. We were alone with her much of the day and it was so much different from the day before. She is just so beautiful. The day was filled with holding, feeding, burping, and changing the baby. She was still in the calm, sleeping phase after birth. It was such a gift to share such a quiet day with Clementine and the baby.

Much of the day, I kept my heart at a distance. She was like a friend's baby. I am trying to protect myself from being hurt if the parents decide not to go forth with their adoption plans. There are no indications that this would happen. In fact, they reassure us they will be signing each time we see them, unprompted even. They both are so very kind and strong. But, these three to four days were stretching out before me and I wanted to keep my heart safe.

But then, last night, after getting cleaned up from her first (I am sure of many) diaper blowout, she opened her eyes and looked at us. As I held her and she looked right up at me, I knew I loved this child with all my heart. As it became time to go home, I knew I never wanted to be apart from this baby. I wanted to look into her eyes every day (at least until she goes to college, trade school, or moves out on her own). My heart ached as we left the baby in the nursery and still aches as I sit here in front of the computer at home. I guess I fell hard for this little baby.

Clementine and I talked about it later and she said she knew I would love the baby right away because I have a "big marshmallow heart." As we drove home, I thought about the times I have fallen in love before, with Clementine and with my lovers before her. Each time I told someone that I loved them, each time I felt it for the first time, I was scared for my heart. The situations were not set but were new-ish and still not certain. But I took those leaps then and I guess I am taking that leap now. Wish me luck.

Loss

As we proceed this week with all the amazing things that have happened like getting the ultrasound, watching the baby be born, and spending time with the baby, I feel the hole in my heart for my parents and siblings. When we were sending people the ultrasound pictures, I wanted so badly to send it to them as well. Each night as we send pictures to our closest friends and family, I long to send some to my parents and even my sister. Instead, I turn to my friends, especially Rae who are my family of choice. I watch Clementine talking to her parents many times each day and hear about how very excited they are for this baby. I long to have this with my family, but know the reality. So I wait until if we get custody of this baby to tell my parents about her birth. It is times like this that I miss them so much.

Announcing:

A little baby was born last night at 5:10 PM. She was 19 inches long and 7 lb 6.9 ounces. Clementine and I were honored that the mother asked us to be in the room and participate in the birth. Clementine held the mother's leg and I her head. It was so incredibly generous of the mother to have us there. She is a kind and strong woman. We are in awe!

We now wait for the parents to decide if they will terminate their rights. It is supposed to happen Tuesday. Right now, both the mother and father are indicating they will follow through with their adoption plans.

I cannot explain the flood of feelings that raced through me throughout yesterday. There was the excitement of a baby being born, there was the happiness that our dreams of a baby may have been filled, there was the amazing experience of watching a baby be born two feet from our noses, there was the happiness and thrill from the father that his baby was born and beautiful, there was the sadness from both the father and mother that they plan to not raise this child, there was the mother's excitement for us to become parents. We are a bit wiped out. When we got home, we printed out the pictures of the baby for the mother and father and Clementine sat up making the photo album for them as well as a framed picture of the baby. That Clementine is a superstar. I love her so much.

So, we are up and heading back to the hospital after we get cleaned up. I feel a trip to Starbucks in my near future. Love the lovely caffeine!!

Also, after seeing the birth up close and personal, I recommend adoption whole-heartedly.

Food Poisening Vs. Norwalk Virus

What ever she had, Clementine was sick from Midnight until 8 AM, and I mean really REALLY SICK. She is feeling somewhat better now (no puking or diarrhea) and back to her normal color. One glass of Gatorade has stayed down so far. Cross your fingers and knock some wood for her.

Baby Update

So, birth mother called yesterday to let us know she is is 4 cm dilated. She is not in labor yet.

Also, she wants us there in the room during the birth.

Also, she wants to meet before she gives birth.

Also, her due date has been moved up twice to the 24th and now the 15th and NO ONE FROM THE OTHER AGENCY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD TO TELL US ANY OF THIS INFORMATION!

Hello......

Also, her agency is acting like we have weeks and months to wait.

Also, they still have not sent us the financial paperwork or any paperwork. Nor will they discuss any of that at any length with us on the phone.

Also, they have not sent us the a prenatal report since Octobers!!!

Hello! A BABY IS ABOUT TO BE BORN!!!

Also, they are not a choice!*

*A special shout out to Clementine and JPP!

Under Attack

The Legislature passed the anti-equal marriage ammendment.

Thanks for standing up for us, Deval Patrick . You are an alright guy!

I will write comments on this another day. My codiene cough syrup is kicking in.

Virus, My Ass

So, one reason I have not blogged for a while is that I have been sick as a dog. I first came down with this bug the day before Thanksgiving (November something-er-other). I waited to go to the doctor 1) because I go in a week or two into it and they say "It is just a virus," take your copay, and send you home with nothing to make you better. Thanks for nothing. Oh, and 2) because I was traveling a bunch, and 3) it's the holiday season.

I was feeling pretty crappy when I returned from the in-laws and went back to work so I broke down and called our doctor for an appointment. She was on vacation and not back until today. So I made an appointment for today (a week in advance), opting to not go to the quacks who share her practice sooner. (One quack there prescribed turnip soup for Clementine when she had CELLULITIS in her nose! Oh lest you think otherwise, these are real MD's who practice in the Massachusetts General Hospital system!)

I started feeling a lot worse on Saturday and Clementine called her Dadoo for advice. He suggested going to the walk in clinic and Musinex. Have you ever taken Musinex? That shit is crazy. I like blew my nose so many times in 12 hours, I went through a box of Kleenex, I think. My sinus headache left around hour 6 of the massive phlem flow.

Sunday, I went to the walk in clinic at MGH. The doctor there said, after I explained that I had been sick for so long and it was getting worse and how lethargic I am and how I pulled muscles in my chest by coughing, "it is a virus. You just need to rest and let it run it's course."

Are you fucking kidding me? Six weeks plus of sick and it is still only a fricking "virus?" I work at a hospital where they are always taking cultures of germs kids have and I have never heard on rounds that "it is a virus." I think the virus thing is a fricking cop-out. Now I know they are trying to not prescribe antibiotics so much any more to avoid the resistant strains of bacteria. That is cool but HELLO LADY, I HAVE BEEN SICK SINCE THANKSGIVING!!!!!!

Anyway, I discussed my points with her and she made me blow my nose and show it to her. Of course, I was all filled with musinex, decongestant, etc so there was not a lot there. She evaluated it and said I was not that sick. I felt so belittled and like I was not a reliable reporter as I talked to her. It made me really angry. I told her that it was over six weeks and it was going into my chest again and affecting my work. I have to sing for my living, hello, colds are my enemy! She finally caved and gave me the azythromyacin 5 day Kick Ass pack.

I did feel better but kept my appointment with my doctor today. It was great to see my doctor. She is so nice and she totally believed me and prescribed me 2 cough medications (codeine at night, some pill at day) and Flonaise for my nose. Thanks Doctor! Not really for the bag of meds but for listening and believing. And she did not use the V word!