Thoughts about Parents

My parents continue to email me after receiving the photo greeting cards we make of Hester (we have been doing on each major holiday). They even sent a stuffed lamb for Easter to Hester. I am surprised that everyone was right that they may be in contact more when I had a child. I am happy, mostly, with the tentative nature of our interactions. I wonder if this is the start of re-establishing our relationship or not.

When I hold Hester, my mind wanders to thinking about how my parents held me. I think a lot about my mother. I think about how much I love Hester and how my mother must have felt the same way when holding me. I think about how I never want to be estranged from Hester and how much it must hurt my mother to be estranged from me. I wonder about her choices in regards to me, especially the choice to cling to religions that say being queer is bad. I know God and religions are powerful forces in her life but each time I look at Hester, each time I hold her, each time I see her I feel the presence of God with each of us and in the love we have for each other. I wish my mother and father could get beyond what man says God believes and could see that God made me in His image as much as he made them in His image. I wish they could see God in Hester, Clementine, and themselves. I am not so angry with them anymore. I am more surprised that something made by men, religion, could come between the love a parent has for their child.

Finally, a moment to blog

Things have been so busy lately. Having a little baby at home really limits how much I am able to do in my time home. Especially since I jump at any chance to take care of her since I am away from her so much when I am working.

So the first week at work was good but it got much worse after that. During my second week at work, the census at work was down and there was more time to think about home than usual. I ached in my heart to be away from Hester. I counted the moments to the end of my shift. I stared at pictures of Hester. I tried not to cry. Since that week, each week seems a little bit better. But even now, as I think about being at work all day and into the night tomorrow, I feel the tears rise.

Work is picking up and some new children have arrived that look to be interesting and challenging to work with. That is good for I will have less time to think about where I wish I was.

Smile!

It is all Okey Dokey

Except I don't have much free time to blog, knit, or answer emails.

So being back to work has been OK, good even. I am actually happy to be at work but still so very happy to be a parent. I do love my job and the time away and the changes in me since Hester was born have made me really get back to what I love about it. I am recharged and focused while I am there. I have a different perspective that I am not sure I can quite sum up yet. It helps so much that work is such a nice community of people who all know each other's business. Everyone asks about Hester and asks me how I am doing being back. I get the usual question about how much she is sleeping. It is really nice to work with such a nice group of people. Also, the patients are so very compelling and amazing. I really enjoy working with them and seeing them grow, heal, and smile.

I think one thing working in my benefit as I have resumed working is that I am excellent at compartmentalizing my life. So when I am at work, I am there and not much else exists. When I am home, I am there and work does not exist. I am very appreciative of this skill now.

We have come up with a pretty good feeding schedule, well, schedule of who will do what night feeding. I do the ones the nights that I am at work that way Clementine can sleep and do the early morning one if Hester happens to wake then. I am happy doing it too. I treasure the quiet night feeding, holding Hester, and rocking her to sleep. I don't talk with her much for I am trying to reinforce that night is not a time to wake up and play. So we listen to some music and just look at each other while she eats. These times have become very special to me. Throughout the day today, when I had a moment free, I could feel Hester in my arms from the night before, the weight of her, the warmth of her and her soft blanket, the smell of her, and the sound of her soft coos. These thoughts bring such peace and joy to me.

As the end of my shift rolls around, I feel myself getting excited to come home and be with my family. There is a lightness that has settled into my heart since my little family grew to three. My focus has shifted to more domestic than ever before. This shift feels good to me.

I know that I am more likely to grow weary of my commute and want to find a job near home sooner now that Hester is here. I am OK with that too. So, while I am at work, I am really focused on getting the projects I wanted to accomplish finished and really enjoying the time I am there. I am not going to go anytime soon but within the next five years, I can see myself moving on.

So that is where I am. Hester is waking so I better go. Thanks for checking in on me.

Already?

It is my first day back to work. Wish me luck!

Gone?

I stopped the domperidone last week for it had been six weeks and that is as long as my doctor said I could take it. It is a medication that stimulates lactation. Up to that point, I was making an ounce a day and was pretty happy about it. But my milk quickly diminished to mere droplets within a week. I am so sad that it may be ending. I liked making milk for Hester. I really worked hard to embrace it and move through my emotional shit to get to a good place about breasts, babies, and milk. And I did it. But now, it seems like it is gone and I am done. I have been too sad to pump the last two days. However, I still get droplets after showers. I am still taking the herbal cocktail, yummo. Yesterday, I called the lactation consultants at Hester's hospital to see what they had to say. When Hester was discharged, they said to call if I had any questions or concerns. I have not heard back from them. I hope there is something more I can do but if not, I guess it will be over. It went by to quickly.

Hats

I am juggling three hats these next few days. I am not sure how it will turn out. I hope I can just keep everything in the air and if I must, shed tears alone or with Clementine.

The first hat is that of motherhood. I have not blogged much in the past few weeks because 1) I am busy caring for Hester, and 2) I am awash with a multitude of feelings. I feel joy to be witnessing this little life. I feel lost as I struggle to find out who I am as a mother. I feel fear that I will resort to my parents' style of parenting. I feel happiness when I hug her. I feel panic when she screams in her colicky time. I feel tired from disturbed sleep. I cannot wait to hold her again. I miss my old life. I marvel at how Clementine and I work together nearly seamlessly to accomplish all that needs to be done. I love Clementine and Hester more and more each day. I want to go back to work. I never want to go back to work. I think I am doing pretty good being a mother.

The next hat is that of music therapist. Even on my maternity leave, that life creeps in. I had go to a meeting with my intern and her professor. I had to interview a prospective intern for next year. I worked on documents for work. I proofed a manuscript for publication. I discussed and worked on a submission for presenting at the next national conference. I am bummed that I did so much on this time off but then I love my profession and my work so much. I have to go to a music therapy conference tomorrow for three and a half days. Hester may come down to join me on Thursday evening. If not, she and Clementine will join me Friday. I feel horrible leaving them for this conference. I don't really want to go but must take a course and I am on the regional executive board so I guess I have to go. But Hester has only been home for three weeks. But I miss my work life. It has been my passion for so long. How do I balance these two hats?

I have a third hat that I cannot speak much about. There was a civil rights violation and I am doing something about it. Tomorrow, I have a big, important meeting about this. I am nervous. I have never done such a thing before. But my lawyer told me to walk proudly and be strong for I am "wearing the hat of justice." My lawyer rocks! But this hat of justice is heavy and I have carried it for years and will continue to carry it for an unknown amount of time. But it is far lighter than carrying the weight of second class citizenship.

Next week, I start up with work again. I am tremendously sad this time is coming to an end. That is when the juggling act will begin in earnest.

Sucess

We had our first successful outing this week. Hester and I went to the pediatrician and to the grocery store. She did poop and puke but I handled it gracefully and stayed calm. She did cry a bit at the store as I was loading up the groceries on the belt but we made it through. I got home and was calm and even smiling. And Hester did not pee on me.

Why?

Why do they put pockets and belt loops on baby cloths?

Conversation One Week Ago

During pumping late at night on the last night at the hospital.

Hashbrown: Clementine! Clementine! I am squirting like a cow.

Clementine (laughing): You did not just say that! (Pause) Let me see!

Family Fun

While I am blogging about my parents response, let me share with you my sister's response to Hester coming home.

Great news! I wish you all the best.

Sister

I am pissed off at her. I mean, come on, this is her niece who just got out of the hospital. And I am her only sister who just became a mother. I simultaneously want to rip her a new a-hole and write her off even more. I know there are many factors at play:

1. She always wanted to be a mother but is not and is jealous.
2. She cursed me to have only puppies and kittens instead of children.
3. Perhaps she has issues still about adoption.
4. She certainly has major issues about homosexuality.
5. She and I have a huge rift that may be insurmountable.
6. She is very shut down.

Ah, who the fuck knows. They all need therapy.

Progress?

The day we brought Hester home, I received this email from my parents. Talk about timing.

Dear Hashbrown & Clementine,

Thank you for the announcement, thank you note, and letter with the pictures of Hester. We certainly appreciate you taking a picture of her in the outfit we sent. We thought she looked cute in it. She seems to be very alert with those big bright eyes. She probably does not miss a trick. That is really good.

You will be very busy and your life will be very full. It is a really good thing that Hester will have a home where she will be safe and loved.

Aunt Tater and Uncle Spud are visiting and we showed them the pictures and announcement. Aunt Tater asked about Hester's names and we were not able to tell her about them. They will be here for a month so maybe you could email us the origin of the names and we can share the information with them. They think she is a cute baby, also.

Love to all,
Dad and Mom

I don't know if it is a good sign or not. I don't want to get my heart all hopeful again that they will be nice and a part of my life. Especially now when I miss them so very much. There are so many things I want to share with them about being a parent. I wish they called all the time like Clementine's parents do. I wish they were planning to come up and meet Hester as Clementine's parents are.

What do you think? Is this letter progress?

She's Home!

Hester arrived home today around 4 PM!!!

Also

You gotta read this!

The End is Near

If you read my wife's blog then you know that Hester is getting close to discharge. It looks like this Sunday or Monday if things go well with the final treatments. So far, it has gone really smoothly over the past week. Hester is feeling great and happy as can be.

We are just so thrilled to have this journey come to an end. Last night, a per diem nurse who has cared for Hester on occasion said good bye to us. With hugs and kisses, she told us we are her favorite parents and Hester is her favorite girl in the NICU. Her outpouring of emotion was unexpected but so very sweet. It is funny to feel sadness to not be around all our new acquaintances of the nurses on the entire floor and that we will not see all the new born babies around us or the teeny tiny preemies.

We had a bit of a scare last night. I was changing Hester and getting her ready for her bottle, including 1/2 oz of breast milk (pumped all day long), and I noticed dried drainage on her ear and that it was red, hot, and swollen. The nurse was disturbed by it too so she called the pediatrician. He came and looked at her ear and said everything was OK, that it was just ear wax liquefying and draining out. Weird. But the best thing was she was OK.

Tuesday, this week, one of the first things I did was put in for my maternity leave. I am taking a month off starting the end of this week. I have only three more rides on the train and one more alarm at 5 AM to catch the train. I am thrilled to have the time off to bond with my family and relax.

I keep hearing "you better sleep now cause when she comes home, you'll get no rest." That really makes me angry because for the past nearly 7 weeks, I have gotten no rest. Neither of us have. We are at the hospital with her, often spending the night, getting up for her feedings or to soothe her, getting up at ungodly hours to then go to work, working all day, then rushing back to the hospital to do it again. And on the days we do not spend the night, we are struggling to drive home awake, getting there around 11 PM and starting over again at 5 AM. I think being home more than 1-2 nights a week, not juggling work duties and intern training, and no train rides will be much more restful even if Hester is cluster feeding all night every night. I will be home again, with my cats and dog, with my wife, with my daughter, sitting on my couch, looking at the walls we painted, showering in my shower, eating food we make. I think I will be more rested.

The other thing that pissed me off is my boss insisting that I will get nothing done because I will be so tired from no rest. Doesn't she know that if you say "you can't" to me makes me say, "Oh yes the fuck I will, just watch me?" I plan to work on revising a paper for publication and sending it off, writing two brief essays for a national internship site application, and write a policy paper with Clementine for publication. And if any of you say, "Oh, you'll be too tired" you will just add fuel to my fire to get this stuff done and show everyone that doubted me that I can.

The feelings I have about bringing Hester home and really bonding with her as a mother are so complex, they defy words. When I am not so freaking tired, I want to write more about it. The irritation at others is much easier to write about right now. Those feelings are simple and familiar. All these changes in me, my role, my identity, my boobs, I feel them and know them but the words for them are lost to my half mast eyes. Give me a few more days for a deep meaningful post.

Oh, here is Hester! She is wearing scrubs to match me!!

Share your seat, Asshat!

Yeah, I hate it when people (usually men) on the commuter rail sit all spread legged and with their bag on the seat of a three seater to avoid having to sit with people. I have had to deal with two in two days, saying "Pardon me," and looking at the seat that should be available. One acted all huffy for half the ride, the other barely moved his bag (he was still taking up two seats) and acted benevolent for giving me a seat. Asshats.

Question

Is it just me or do those new adds for IPods on the T look like people from the 80s being electrocuted by their IPod?

Just one more snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze

No, no snooze for me. Come back one year!

Last night, I took the train up to see Hester. When I got there, she was sleeping so I pumped and waited for her to wake up. I got about as much as the last time. Again, the nurses were very kind and respectful of my wee little milk amount.

Clementine arrived and we waited for Hester to wake together. When she did, I got to feed her. I love holding her close and feeling her little warm body against my chest and arms. She was very calm; she ate her bottle and fell right back asleep. I knew Clementine would not be up tonight so I offered Hester to her to hold a while. It was wrenching to let go of her. I see her so little through the week. I just more time with her. But Clementine and I have wised up and no longer do we stay until 11:30 PM. She held Hester until she settled into a deep sleep and then we said our goodbyes. We were out of there by 9:30 PM and home around 10:45 PM. I skipped my final pump for an extra half hour of sleep.

This morning, I did not hit snooze despite aching to with all my being. I fed all the animals, let Clara out, pumped, got ready for work, picked out cloths for the weekend, and made it to the train on time. Wow! Even with 3-4 inches of snow on the ground. I used to struggle to get ready in an hour when all I had to do was feed the cats and shower. Now I am at work and trying to gear up for my 12 hour shift and some very intense cases.

When I stop being distracted by the pesky things of life, I know all this is worth while because I love Hester so much. She has completely transformed my life and being in ways I never thought of.

Amazing Interview

This was an amazing Fresh Air With Terri Gross, last night. I want to go get his book now.

More Milk Please

Tonight, I pumped enough milk that it dripped down into the bottles. I carefully poured it together into one bottle, scraped every drop from the different parts of the pump mechanism and showed it to Clementine. Together, we went to Hester's nurse and showed her what I made. She gathered it into a syringe and was very respectful of my small amount of milk. She actually said she was amazed since I did not give birth. The grand total of milk was 7 ml. She stored it in the breast milk fridge at the hospital. I am off to pump one more time before going to bed. Wish me luck!