Just one more snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze

No, no snooze for me. Come back one year!

Last night, I took the train up to see Hester. When I got there, she was sleeping so I pumped and waited for her to wake up. I got about as much as the last time. Again, the nurses were very kind and respectful of my wee little milk amount.

Clementine arrived and we waited for Hester to wake together. When she did, I got to feed her. I love holding her close and feeling her little warm body against my chest and arms. She was very calm; she ate her bottle and fell right back asleep. I knew Clementine would not be up tonight so I offered Hester to her to hold a while. It was wrenching to let go of her. I see her so little through the week. I just more time with her. But Clementine and I have wised up and no longer do we stay until 11:30 PM. She held Hester until she settled into a deep sleep and then we said our goodbyes. We were out of there by 9:30 PM and home around 10:45 PM. I skipped my final pump for an extra half hour of sleep.

This morning, I did not hit snooze despite aching to with all my being. I fed all the animals, let Clara out, pumped, got ready for work, picked out cloths for the weekend, and made it to the train on time. Wow! Even with 3-4 inches of snow on the ground. I used to struggle to get ready in an hour when all I had to do was feed the cats and shower. Now I am at work and trying to gear up for my 12 hour shift and some very intense cases.

When I stop being distracted by the pesky things of life, I know all this is worth while because I love Hester so much. She has completely transformed my life and being in ways I never thought of.

Amazing Interview

This was an amazing Fresh Air With Terri Gross, last night. I want to go get his book now.

More Milk Please

Tonight, I pumped enough milk that it dripped down into the bottles. I carefully poured it together into one bottle, scraped every drop from the different parts of the pump mechanism and showed it to Clementine. Together, we went to Hester's nurse and showed her what I made. She gathered it into a syringe and was very respectful of my small amount of milk. She actually said she was amazed since I did not give birth. The grand total of milk was 7 ml. She stored it in the breast milk fridge at the hospital. I am off to pump one more time before going to bed. Wish me luck!

New CDs

I ordered some new CD's for Hester.

This one is awesome! Even better than the Radiohead one.

I also got these which are fantastic.

They are filled with great music.

Longing for the Long Awaited End

The week drags on and I cannot focus on work. All I think about is how much longer until the day or week is over and I can go see Hester. By body, mind, and soul ache to be with her. To top it off, the length of this hospital stay is starting to really wear on us. We try very hard to keep calm and keep our cool but things happen that we just do not like at all. It is a weird balance I feel we must keep of keeping the peace with the nurses so Hester gets good care and advocating for her best interests as a parent. The novelty (if there ever was any) of living out of bags at a hospital has long worn off. I am weary of not eating home cooked food and of not sleeping in my bed or next to my wife. My eyes long to look at our little home, the walls we painted, the couch we bought, the orange door, and even our dirt backyard. I miss the kitties and dog. And I want Hester to see her home, meet her pets, lay in her crib, and be with her mama and mumzy all day and all night without drugs, nurses, leads, monitors, lactation consultants, intercoms, and cafeteria food. Well, she eats formula so maybe not the cafeteria food. But you get the picture.

All Hester All the Time

Was there ever a cuter baby?

Seriously, was there?

I mean, come on, look at her!

"Head over heels . . . ."

The commuter rail/bus station in the city where Hester is being treated, plays 80's music all the time. The do play the big stars like the GoGos, Dead or Alive, and Culture Club but they also play the more obscure hits and b sides. Any time of the day or night that I am there, it is the 80's. It is awesome and makes me want to dig out my old tapes, dye my hair, and put on my liquid black eye liner!


"All I know is that to me, you don't like your love to burn
Open up your laughing arms, watch out here I come"

The Cuteness Continues!

Here's Hester! My little guitar gal is one month old!

Boob-Flash

So, Saturday was a tough day for me, and probably tougher for Clementine. She really is a saint to deal with me and my crazy shifting emotions. The hormonal changes in me are really making me more negative and then I have tons of negative messages running through my brain. It is hard to keep it all out.

Saturday was the big day for the supplemental nursing system (SNS). The lactation consultant was to bring one by for Hester's three o'clock feeding. As the morning progressed into afternoon, I went ballistic about lunch and missing meals and god knows what else. Poor Clementine had to be the target for my anger. Finally, after much crying and confusion on my part, I went to the bathroom to get myself together. I thought quietly about what is underneath all my anger and tears and saw the fears of breast feeding fueling my fire as well as my sadness about my parent's disinterest in my child. But mostly, the breast thing. I felt so scared of having to confront one of my dark places.

I came out and told Clementine what was going on and what I needed her to say when I got upset or frustrated. She was great and said she would try. I then apologized a ton of times for being such a crazy loon. It is awful when you strike out at those who are closest to you because you are so distressed. It is so counterproductive and awful.

So three o'clock came around and Hester awoke on cue for lunch. The nurse for Hester was a new mother (3 months) who has been nursing and had lots of great calming advise about her struggles with nursing. The lactation consultant came with the SNS and put it on me. Then, everyone, Clementine included, helped me to get Hester to latch on and start nursing. It was an amazing experience. She nursed for a bit and took 1 ounce of formula. She then got disorganized, as is one of the symptoms of her illness, and so I switched her to the bottle to insure she gets enough food. Later that day, when I pumped, the nipple she had latched onto had more droplets than ever before.

The actual act of nursing was not bad at all. It was a bit weird to have three people hovering over my breast, moving it this way and that. The feeling of Hester suckling was strong and so natural. I do not have any words to adequately describe it. I have done the SNS once each day since and every time she latches on, a powerful, primal feeling comes over me and I want to cry. These are tears of joy, not fear or sadness or loss. It is primal in that it is such an ancient feeling, like I am connected to all the mothers who have walked the earth before me, like that I am fulfilling some basic woman/breast function that completes me in ways I never knew I was incomplete. It is healing.

My friend, Ohio, has been a great support. She also was abused as a child and found the whole breastfeeding thing and parts of raising her children overwhelming with her abuse history. She is so wise and told me that it is not OK to have children in order to heal ourselves but it is OK to heal ourselves as we care for our children. Thanks Ohio.

Hester

She changes every day. It is amazing to watch.

This is an older picture from a few weeks ago. If/when I am home again, I will try to post a more recent picture. I love that little girl so much.

A Rose By Any Other Name

My parents shocked us by sending a gift and a note to Hester. It was a kind note and a cute white with pink trim and bunnies layette set. They even called themselves Grandma and Papa. Good signs, right. Maybe they are coming around. However, the problem is that they addressed the gift and the package to the wrong name. Henrietta not Hester*. What gives?

Clementine thinks it could be my mother being mean in a very Gemini way (Clementine is a Gemini as is my mother and she has taught me about the evil ways of the Gemini). My mother is well known for this trait. However, I am inclined to think that my mother is so very stressed out when dealing with me, she messed up the name. She makes all sorts of spelling errors when she emails me which she would never have done before (she is also very meticulous about language much like my Gemini wife). When my mother talks with me, she says some pretty crazy things that she never would have said before as well. Maybe I am just being too generous. I don't know.

Anyway, now that we have an address for them, we are sending a birth announcement and then I will send the thank you note. Perhaps they will get the incorrect name thing on their own and I don't have to actively address it.

A Tale of Two Titties

Here is the straight scoop on the boobs. Within one or two days of Hester's birth, my breasts started to hurt but different from the period hurt. It was centralized around the nipple. But then my period came and I was just thinking it was wicked early (2 weeks) because of the stress and the breast pain was period related.

Then, I noticed leaking from both nipples. On my 40th birthday, I pumped and got colostrum. I freaked out! But then, that Monday, I called my PCP and discussed the medication I take for acid reflux and if I could nurse with that. I then told the nurses at the NICU and asked to talk to the lactation consultant. The nurses so did not believe me. Well, to be fair, some did, others did not.

I met with the lactation consultant the following Saturday and she showed me how to pump. She instructed me to pump every three hours for 15 minutes. The nurse came to check after I finished and confirmed that it was colostrum. The nurses then wanted me to talk to the neonatalogist who is caring for Hester before nursing. I did and he wanted me to wait a week and see what happened. Meanwhile, the lactation consultant had me start fenugreek, to which I also added goats rue, blessed thistle, and alfalfa. Midweek, when I spoke to her again, she suggested I order domperidone, which I did.

That next weekend, last weekend, I spoke to another lactation consultant who was great. She taught us how to do Kangaroo care and also spoke of our many options for breast feeding. She explained the supplemental nursing system and that they could set us up with one. I felt better than I had in weeks about this breast feeding thing.

Then, that Monday, the nurses tell the other lactation consultant, not me, that they want me to see my PCP and rule out that it is not pituitary tumors causing me to lactate. Nice. So I made an appointment and saw my doctor Thursday. I was so nervous to have to explain it to her after having not felt the love from others about it. She was great and so supportive. I got the OK to breast feed from her. So I called and told the nurses and asked if the neonatalogist needed to speak to my doctor about it. He did not and they said they were just wanting to be sure I was healthy. So I called the lactation department and asked to meet with someone this weekend to learn how to use the supplemental nursing system.

I also emailed the adoption resource center and La Leche League International to see if they had any material documenting such a case. No one did. The La Leche League woman said "That is amazing! " I feel a bit like a freak of nature but Clementine, my most wonderful love, said, "You're a legend!" She is the best. Except when I asked her if my breasts had grown and she said "They are HUGE!" Not the language I wanted to hear right then.

I continued to and still do continue to get drops of colostrum. I am hopeful that the domperidone will make a difference. I dream of making enough milk to feed my child. Wish me luck.

This is a huge change for me. Remember this? I will write more but I gotta catch a train right NOW!

Parental Support

Dear Hashbrown and Clementine,
Thank you for your email and the photographs of Hester. We hope that her health progresses quickly. Living in a hospital is not the best start for a baby as evidenced your Uncle who spent his first three months in a hospital before he was adopted. We know that you will spend as much time as you can with her so that the bonding procedures will progress as normally as possible.
Love, Mom and Dad

This is all they said since we announced Hester's birth. No "Congratulations." No "She's beautiful." No "Wow." No card, gift, call to check on her progress or how we are doing with a child in the NICU. Nothing more.

Now Playing

Clementine suprised me on my birthday with a new Creative Zen Nano and the Travel Dock.

I love them both so much. The sound is phenomenal and the size cannot be beat. I am currently listening to this album on it, among others. It was a gift for Hester! She has a cool mommy.

Commuting Hell and Exhaustion

If I have any readers left, I wanted to say "Hi" and "I still do exist." Clementine and I have been just out straight trying to keep up a crazy pace to care for Hester and continue to work. It is taking it's toll on us.

Here is my schedule.
Tuesdays and Fridays, I work from 8am-8:30pm. Those days start with getting up around 5 AM. If I am at the hospital, I catch a bus to the train. Then I take the train to work. After work, I either take the train home or to the city where Hester is being treated. If I go home, I have to wait for the 10 pm train that gets home around 11:30 pm. If I go to the hospital, I will get there around 9:30 pm. On Wednesdays, I go to work as above but only work until 4:30 pm. Going home or to the hospital is much better these days as I arrive either place around 6:15 PM. Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays, I have off and I spend them with Hester all day and night.

Friday was an awful day for me. I was feeling very low, very torn to be apart from Hester. I feel that way almost every moment I am away from her but that day it was particularly bad. I cried 3 times at work that day. That is an Olympic record of crying at work, in my book. Anyway, I got totally upset about the commuting schedule. And I could feel myself coming down with a cold. I asked Clementine to come get me so I would not be sitting at train stations for ever but did not communicate it very well and she did not understand just how frustrated I was. She said she wanted to go see Hester and would get me from the train station near the hospital when I got there. I got so upset that I had to wait hours and hours to see my child, too upset. I realized that I was just too overwrought, sick, and over exhausted and the best thing for me was to go home and rest.

The following morning, I woke up and did some stuff around the house that I had needed and wanted to do for weeks. I realized that is where my grounding comes from. Just those few hours paying bills made me feel better than I had felt in days. Clementine came to get me and we spent the rest of the weekend with Hester.

Despite my words about the troubles of these past three weeks with Hester, I would not trade them for the world. She has touched my life in ways I could never explain.

MIA

I am here, sort of. I spend my days during the week at work, trying to focus, train my interns, provide treatment for the ever increasing number of children, prepare for Joint Commission, prepare for the upcoming maternity leave, and and stay calm. Nights are spent at the NICU with Hester and Peaches, as are weekends. The nurses have been kind enough to let us stay when their census is low. When we sleep there, they come get us for her feedings through the night. It is quite nice but we are sleep deprived. The thought of going home tonight after visiting Hester makes me want to cry with joy that 1) I can snuggle up with my wife again, 2) I will be in my own bed with our pets, and 3) I can snuggle up with my wife again. It is hard to sleep next to each other but not with each other. She sleeps on the hospital bed; I sleep on the chair/cot/thing.

When at work, I see Hester's cute face in front of me nearly the entire day. My heart and body longs to be with her again. When I get there and can hold her again, I feel at ease again. Tired but at ease. I believe babies exude sleepy pheromones. Also, serious lack of good sleep here.

Also, the boob thing is really weird for me. It seriously fucks with me on so many levels. My gender identity is all a wacky from the whole milk producing thing. Also being a survivor really messes with the whole breast feeding thing. I am really weirded out that I may have Hester suckling at my breast. Also, the whole pleasure from baby at the breast thing is just about enough to send me over the edge. But I am trying to breath and take it one day at a time.

So far, I am only getting colostrum. Drops to maybe 1/8th a teaspoon. Probably less. I started the fenugreek, blessed thistle, alfalfa, and goat's rue concoction. Delicious. My boxers are filled with the scent of maple. I think people must think of pancakes when I walk by. Thanks Fenugreek. The lactation consultant had me order the donperedon, which I did today. And my Hospital grade pump came to the house tonight, the Lactina. I get to pump every 3 hours for 15 minutes. Oh joy. Good bye sleep. Hello dark circles and bags.

I am going through with this despite not feeling 100% thrilled because I know it will be of benefit to my daughter. The trouble this causes me is temporary. Some day in the next year, my boobs will no longer be a milk factory and will go back to having only one job again. But the benefits to Hester will last much longer than the inconvenience to me.

Hester is doing well. She will be at the NICU for a few more weeks. I long to have her home so one can crash on the couch or bed when the other holds her.

We have been so bestowed by innumerable gifts from friends and family. It is amazing the amount of gifts and hand me downs that we have received already. I have not been home to see it all but Clementine brings the camera with pictures of the daily haul to the hospital for me to view. It is just amazing to see all the stuff. And even more amazing to see is the support and love from our community of friends and family. We are so truly blessed.

I miss my home. I need to pay bills. I need a hair cut. I need sleep. I gotta take my herbs and pump. I miss sleeping next to my wife. I long to be with my daughter. I gotta go catch the train.

Suprise!

So, yeah, on my 40th birthday, I ascertained that yes, I have started to lactate. Spontaneously. No herbs or medication at all. Just my boobs and a baby. I did not even try to breast feed.

What the fuck?

I have spoken with my doctor, the lactation consultant, and the nurses at the NICU. The neonatalogist called last night to say he would write a script for a hospital grade breast pump. I am going on to the fenugreek and the rest of the herbal cocktail to produce more milk. As freaked as I have been about it, there is no doubt in my mind that this is a gift I can give my daughter.

Gotta shower and go to work.

Crazy boobs.

In or Out

Hester's cord fell off today and she has an Innie!

My Beautiful Daughter

I love her so much.

Here's Hester

Today was a day of so many emotions; I cannot even begin to explain it all. The birth family signed the surrenders today. Hester is ours. Legally, we started our lives together today as a family. I was so joyful, I could have leaped over a building. But today was the day that the birth parents said good bye to their little girl. The sadness was overwhelming. Having spent the last week with the birth family in close quarters and very intimately, both Clementine and I were acutely aware that our dream coming true of having a daughter was because of another family's loss. That little girl is my heart and I feel such joy that she is now my daughter but it is tempered by the image burned in my mind of her birth mother and father as they passed her to me and left.

So many people celebrate this day each year with their child, calling it names like "Gotcha Day." It is common in adoption to mark this important day in the life of the adoptive family. But I do not feel this is a day for cakes and parties. It is much more somber.