This morning, after I hit the snooze the first time, I dreamed a young boy was telling me to hit it four more times. I got up after hitting it one more time.
Then on the train, I did not wake when we pulled into South Station. I woke as most of the people got off the train and it became very quiet, luckily.
Do you think I am tired?
Tonight, Peaches will pick me up from the train station and we are off to Connecticut for a conference. I am presenting and going to meetings and sessions. Peaches is lounging by the pool, reading, taking long baths, and going sight seeing. Lucky Peaches!!
I come home Sunday, only to fly out to another conference Monday, where I will be for nearly a week. Again, I am presenting but it is a completely different topic. My list of things to do at work before I leave for over a week is about 2/3 completed. I best get to work and check the rest off.
30 March, 2006
28 March, 2006
Pompous Asses
Have you ever been dismissed by someone? You know, dismissed by someone who believes they have power over you? I was the other day at work and unfortunately, in the immediate moment, he did have the power in the situation. I was told, "You can leave now." (I was not fired; it was only for a medical intervention)
It was awful to be cast aside so easily by someone of power and status. I wanted to say to him, "Just because you are a man and a doctor, you do not have the right to act like a pompous ass." I mean, come on! We are all professionals here; give me some freaking respect!
As women, we put up with this sort of entitled crap a lot. I see it all the time on the train. Men have to sit with their legs spread apart, their elbows out, their papers spread across the seat, while women sit taking up as little space as possible. Some men intentionally sit alone in a 3-person seat on the aisle seat with their laptop, briefcase, and crap on the other two seats when the train is standing room only.
Recently, Peaches and I spoke with our representative and he was dismissive of all the queers, people of color, and women. He was so antsy to leave and was so rude. The only people he paid any mind to were white men. Come on, it isn't like I pay taxes with gay dollars that are worth less than straight dollars? He needs to listen to because I am his employer. I am still so angry with him.
At work, I was near the breaking point when that doctor dismissed me. I wanted to defend myself from all of this. But instead I thanked the nurse and walked away. I was seething inside because I am just as good as anyone else. And no one, not that doctor, the rude men on the train, or that politician can take that away from me.
It was awful to be cast aside so easily by someone of power and status. I wanted to say to him, "Just because you are a man and a doctor, you do not have the right to act like a pompous ass." I mean, come on! We are all professionals here; give me some freaking respect!
As women, we put up with this sort of entitled crap a lot. I see it all the time on the train. Men have to sit with their legs spread apart, their elbows out, their papers spread across the seat, while women sit taking up as little space as possible. Some men intentionally sit alone in a 3-person seat on the aisle seat with their laptop, briefcase, and crap on the other two seats when the train is standing room only.
Recently, Peaches and I spoke with our representative and he was dismissive of all the queers, people of color, and women. He was so antsy to leave and was so rude. The only people he paid any mind to were white men. Come on, it isn't like I pay taxes with gay dollars that are worth less than straight dollars? He needs to listen to because I am his employer. I am still so angry with him.
At work, I was near the breaking point when that doctor dismissed me. I wanted to defend myself from all of this. But instead I thanked the nurse and walked away. I was seething inside because I am just as good as anyone else. And no one, not that doctor, the rude men on the train, or that politician can take that away from me.
Odd Jobs
Today, two Easter Bunnies visited the hospital where I work. You may ask, “Did they just hop on over?”
No. The two Easter Bunnies were lifted up to the third floor play deck in the basket of a fire truck much like this one. The Easter Bunnies then came though an opening in the railing and greeted the children and staff. Guess who got her picture taken with an Easter Bunny on either side ? You know it!! Guess who as paid to watch this whole event? You know it!!
I have the weirdest job some days.
26 March, 2006
40 by 40
Peaches was telling me the other night about her new list, 30 by 30. She suggested I develop my own list of 40 by 40. I thought it could be fun and am starting the list. I haven't gotten far for much of my brain is being occupied by two upcoming conference presentations. This is what I have so far:
- Knit another sweater for myself
- Write the manuscript with Peaches based on a presentation we did together
- Start riding my bike to and from the train
- Start walking from the commuter rail to work instead of taking the Red Line
- Decide what to do about my family
- Make my hospital a national registry internship site for music therapy students
- Start up a Stitch and Bitch
- Stay at that hotel in the Poconos that has that hot tub shaped like a glass of champagne
- submit the proposal to the YWCA
- Start a web page or some form of advertising for our knitting business, Haughty Hausfrau
- Go to the Botanical Garden
- Visit my pseudo-grandmother
- Go to the beach at least 7 times this summer
- Go to the Smithsonian
- Try 10 new BBQ recipes on our new grill this summer
- Go on another whale watch
- Tour the Harbor Islands
I am still working on it and all of these are subject to change. I was hoping to put in some imaginative ideas. That banner birthday is 10 months away. So, dear readers (even you lurkers), what would be on your list or what would you recommend. When I get the list finalized, I will post it.
25 March, 2006
Junk E-mail
My parents have not spoken to me since my brother’s wedding last July. They sent cards at Christmas and my birthday, with maybe 8 words written in them. Tonight, I check my email and I get some freaking forward from them about how great America is and how awful Muslims are for not seeing our greatness. What a fucking load of crap!!! I hate shit like that. I want to puke and scream all at once! However, Peaches is sleeping in the next room and it would be a horrible way to wake her up, so instead, I decided to blog.
You want to see a depiction of my mother? Watch “TransAmerica” (it is a great movie with excellent acting and a brave script). Brie’s mother reminded me so much of my mother, the lack of respect, the inability to see what her child is, and the way she turned everything to be an affront to her. My mother just wears more beige colors and she has yet to have a redeeming scene where she is supportive to me.
I just do not understand how my parents can turn their backs on me, their own child. How can they think it is ok to send me some patriotic “USA is the best” bullshit email when they could hardly talk to me the last time they saw me? But like Brie said in the movie, they don’t see me and they don’t respect me.
You want to see a depiction of my mother? Watch “TransAmerica” (it is a great movie with excellent acting and a brave script). Brie’s mother reminded me so much of my mother, the lack of respect, the inability to see what her child is, and the way she turned everything to be an affront to her. My mother just wears more beige colors and she has yet to have a redeeming scene where she is supportive to me.
I just do not understand how my parents can turn their backs on me, their own child. How can they think it is ok to send me some patriotic “USA is the best” bullshit email when they could hardly talk to me the last time they saw me? But like Brie said in the movie, they don’t see me and they don’t respect me.
23 March, 2006
I shake my little thing on the cat walk
I made this hat for a baby, any baby. Just about every woman under the age of 40 is pregnant at work so I am making lots of baby hats. So it was yarn I got for $1 at my favorite yarn store, The Snow Goose. It is an acrylic but did not have a label so I don't know who makes it. It is soft and variegated. It is probably double knit size. I knit it on size 6 needles. I decreased once every three or four rows. It did not turn out the way I wanted. I need to work on the pattern; I made it up as I went. Reuben is my model. Doesn't he do a great job on the cat walk?22 March, 2006
Here We Go Again
Sometimes I wonder if my friends and readers are thinking “Oh Jesus, here she goes again on the gay rights thing.” Trust me, I am sick of it too. But it just keeps going with new and devastating twists of proposed and voted on legislation. I would much rather put my time and effort into other things but I cannot. This is my life that is being attacked. These are my friends lives that are being attacked. I cannot stand idly by.
Recently, Catholic bishops decreed their social service agency, Catholic Charities, will not adopt children to same-sex couples. Massachusetts’s law counters this discrimination, stating that gay and lesbian individuals can adopt and are not to be discriminated against. Unfortunately, we has been graced* with Governor Romney. Romney has asked his staff to write a bill that would allow Catholic Charities to discriminate against gays and lesbians. Nice, huh?
This is all crazy making in its self. As a former Catholic, I am disgusted by their un-Jesus-like actions. I am furious that Romney is supporting the discrimination by proposing to write a bill. But, I am most disgusted, furious, and heart-broken that the people of this Commonwealth are not up in arms that our Governor wants to write a bill to discriminate. People are so complacent and turn a blind eye to what is happening. Would they be so blasé about it if it were a bill to allow discrimination against people of color or people of different religions who want to adopt? Come on people. Stand up and control your government!
I think of the poem by Martin Niemöller as I watch all this happen around me. If the citizens of this Commonwealth who support us do not stand with us, they will come for another group next. Each victory over a minority emboldens those who hate and increases their determination to shape the world, as they want it. I don’t think many people will be happy in that world.
*sarcasm
Recently, Catholic bishops decreed their social service agency, Catholic Charities, will not adopt children to same-sex couples. Massachusetts’s law counters this discrimination, stating that gay and lesbian individuals can adopt and are not to be discriminated against. Unfortunately, we has been graced* with Governor Romney. Romney has asked his staff to write a bill that would allow Catholic Charities to discriminate against gays and lesbians. Nice, huh?
This is all crazy making in its self. As a former Catholic, I am disgusted by their un-Jesus-like actions. I am furious that Romney is supporting the discrimination by proposing to write a bill. But, I am most disgusted, furious, and heart-broken that the people of this Commonwealth are not up in arms that our Governor wants to write a bill to discriminate. People are so complacent and turn a blind eye to what is happening. Would they be so blasé about it if it were a bill to allow discrimination against people of color or people of different religions who want to adopt? Come on people. Stand up and control your government!
I think of the poem by Martin Niemöller as I watch all this happen around me. If the citizens of this Commonwealth who support us do not stand with us, they will come for another group next. Each victory over a minority emboldens those who hate and increases their determination to shape the world, as they want it. I don’t think many people will be happy in that world.
*sarcasm
21 March, 2006
Groveling at the Knees of Power
I have tasted equality and I will never go back. I want to tell my friends what I am going through being on the edge of the latest civil rights movement, but I cannot find the right words to tell you what it is like. I just don't know if people who have not had their right to be equal debated over in State Houses, courts, churches, on the street, in the media, at work, and at home could ever understand what it is like for me and all the queers in the states right now.
Last night, we went to a meeting with our representative, John Fresolo. It was horrifying. When talking to a straight male ally of GLBT individuals, the representative called GLBT people "them." Have you ever been called "them" to your face? I don't even know how to tell you it feels because it feels that bad. At another point in his speech, he essentially told us that to him, voting on placing our marriage rights is the same as voting on tax increases and school closings. His white, heterosexual, Catholic privilege was beyond any that I have ever experienced in person. When a pastor and others pushed him to hear the human toll of the vote, he became angry at us. When asked if marriage had changed the commonwealth, he said no but then could not adequately address why he must vote to jeopardize our civil rights. He even called Peaches and I "girls."
One woman may have captured one thing I want to tell my straight friends and readers that I have never found the way to tell you. She told the representative "I don't know you and you don't know me. I am angry that I have to ask you for the permission to marry the woman I love." It is horrible to have to ask such people, even beg them, to vote for your right to be equal. It is humiliating to grovel at the knees of power, asking for your crumb.
Last night, we went to a meeting with our representative, John Fresolo. It was horrifying. When talking to a straight male ally of GLBT individuals, the representative called GLBT people "them." Have you ever been called "them" to your face? I don't even know how to tell you it feels because it feels that bad. At another point in his speech, he essentially told us that to him, voting on placing our marriage rights is the same as voting on tax increases and school closings. His white, heterosexual, Catholic privilege was beyond any that I have ever experienced in person. When a pastor and others pushed him to hear the human toll of the vote, he became angry at us. When asked if marriage had changed the commonwealth, he said no but then could not adequately address why he must vote to jeopardize our civil rights. He even called Peaches and I "girls."
One woman may have captured one thing I want to tell my straight friends and readers that I have never found the way to tell you. She told the representative "I don't know you and you don't know me. I am angry that I have to ask you for the permission to marry the woman I love." It is horrible to have to ask such people, even beg them, to vote for your right to be equal. It is humiliating to grovel at the knees of power, asking for your crumb.
20 March, 2006
Aquarium Observation
Question: Do you know what is neither pretty nor cute?
Answer: Penguins who have bald patches from molting.
Answer: Penguins who have bald patches from molting.
18 March, 2006
Who is family?
When I first started thinking about starting a blog, I wanted to do one where I explored what makes someone family because (if you haven’t noticed), I am really struggling with severe issues with my family. But then I thought about it and knew that sort of blog would be too depressing and angsty. I thought it best to have a blog that was a veritable potpourri of things I am pondering, things that happen, and various cat and dog postings. I believe it is much better than my original, weighty, DRAMA-filled first idea.
Today, I am pondering what makes a family a family. My brother is up visiting and despite my worries about things like what will we talk about or what do I make him for dinner, it is as if no time has passed between us since we last saw each other. I treasure this closeness, acceptance, and unconditional love from my brother. This is what I believe family is and should feel like.
With the rest of my family, I do not have that feeling or anything like it. When I am with my parents, I feel as if I am being repelled from them, much like two magnets facing the wrong way. I really want nothing to do with them any more, so deep is my hurt and anger at their actions. My older brother has cut me out so long ago that he has become a stranger to me. I have never met his two children. My sister crossed a line with me years ago that she has never tried to fix or own up to. I do not feel close to her either.
I really want to know, because I do not understand, why these people with whom I have little to no contact with are so permanently bonded to me and I to them. I wish I could write them off as bad roommates from many years back. Is family a feeling of closeness or blood? Can I just want to let go of my family (except my younger brother) and surround myself only with those who love me?
Today, I am pondering what makes a family a family. My brother is up visiting and despite my worries about things like what will we talk about or what do I make him for dinner, it is as if no time has passed between us since we last saw each other. I treasure this closeness, acceptance, and unconditional love from my brother. This is what I believe family is and should feel like.
With the rest of my family, I do not have that feeling or anything like it. When I am with my parents, I feel as if I am being repelled from them, much like two magnets facing the wrong way. I really want nothing to do with them any more, so deep is my hurt and anger at their actions. My older brother has cut me out so long ago that he has become a stranger to me. I have never met his two children. My sister crossed a line with me years ago that she has never tried to fix or own up to. I do not feel close to her either.
I really want to know, because I do not understand, why these people with whom I have little to no contact with are so permanently bonded to me and I to them. I wish I could write them off as bad roommates from many years back. Is family a feeling of closeness or blood? Can I just want to let go of my family (except my younger brother) and surround myself only with those who love me?
17 March, 2006
Juxtaposition
My job is odd because it sort of magnifies what is good and what is not good in people. I see children and families pulling together after accidents or abuse, parents providing loving support and care for their injured child, the indomitable spirit within children, parents and caregivers sacrificing so much for their child's well-being, and the power of simple things like a song over the most dire circumstances. I also see children coming in with injuries sustained from violence, abuse, or neglect, parents who do not have the skills or where withal to adequately care for their children, parents who don't appear to even care about their child's well-being, and children permanently damaged by others, physically and emotionally.
Today, I saw both sides of my job in one room. A child came to us from another country the other day. Her abusive parents caused her injuries. It was awful to read even the cut and dry version of the incident in her chart. I visited her and seeing the pain in her eyes and hearing it in her voice, knowing the injuries were intentional, I was horrified. Yet, at her bedside was a missionary nurse, whose life work is to bring children in need of medical care from this country to the USA. She is truly a kind, loving, and generous woman and even short interactions with her are so wonderful. She is selfless about her work and her mission. Everyone on the unit has nothing but wonderful words to describe her.
It was an odd juxtaposition in that room today. The two extremes of humanity demonstrated before my eyes. My feelings about it all are overwhelming, both the feelings about how horrific some humans are and how amazing some humans are. Both bring tears to my eyes.
Today, I saw both sides of my job in one room. A child came to us from another country the other day. Her abusive parents caused her injuries. It was awful to read even the cut and dry version of the incident in her chart. I visited her and seeing the pain in her eyes and hearing it in her voice, knowing the injuries were intentional, I was horrified. Yet, at her bedside was a missionary nurse, whose life work is to bring children in need of medical care from this country to the USA. She is truly a kind, loving, and generous woman and even short interactions with her are so wonderful. She is selfless about her work and her mission. Everyone on the unit has nothing but wonderful words to describe her.
It was an odd juxtaposition in that room today. The two extremes of humanity demonstrated before my eyes. My feelings about it all are overwhelming, both the feelings about how horrific some humans are and how amazing some humans are. Both bring tears to my eyes.
16 March, 2006
Train Toilets
Peaches and I are trying to increase our water intake. We decided to drink 4-16oz. glasses of water each day. I end up needing to drink 2-3 glasses in the evening because I forget to drink throughout the day. I am then up 2-3 times in the night peeing. It would be better to space it out throughout the day but I don’t want to drink a lot before getting on the train. Train bathrooms are not so great. They are usually dirty, smelly, and the door sometimes does not close all the way. The worst was one day when I had to go but there was no bathroom car on the train and there was an hour left in the ride.
Yesterday morning, I was sleeping and awoke to an automated announcement that was being broadcast throughout the train. “Passenger requests assistance in the bathroom on car 192.” In my sleepy haze, I pondered first, how embarrassing that must be for the entire train to know that you need assistance from the conductor in the train bathroom. Next, why would you call for assistance from the conductor? I need more toilet paper! Sorry, I clogged toilet. Do you have a tampon? I can’t get this fucking door to close! I've fallen and I can't get up! The possibilities boggle the sleepy mind.
Yesterday morning, I was sleeping and awoke to an automated announcement that was being broadcast throughout the train. “Passenger requests assistance in the bathroom on car 192.” In my sleepy haze, I pondered first, how embarrassing that must be for the entire train to know that you need assistance from the conductor in the train bathroom. Next, why would you call for assistance from the conductor? I need more toilet paper! Sorry, I clogged toilet. Do you have a tampon? I can’t get this fucking door to close! I've fallen and I can't get up! The possibilities boggle the sleepy mind.
15 March, 2006
Oh Dear!
Oh, blog, I have neglected you all week. I am so sorry. You see, I am preparing to speak at two conferences, back to back. I have been under an avalanche of scholarly articles. Sadly, the two talks are on very different topics so I cannot just prepare one and give it twice.
The first is the regional music therapy conference starts on Friday, March 31st. That one ends Sunday and the next day, I fly out to the burn conference. Peaches and our pup are going with me to the music therapy conference, located at the Four Points Sheraton. She gets a mini break filled with plenty of pool time, lounging, reading, and shopping. I get to go to meetings and lectures.
The burn conference is being held Caesers Palace in Las Vegas. I was a bit late doing my reservation and the rooms were all taken so I am staying at Paris. I am so excited to go and see the crazy opulence of the resorts. But I am sad that Peaches can only go to the one at the Sheraton. I am sure it will be nice but look at the pools of the three hotels: Caesers, and Paris, and the Sheraton. Which is better for a mini break? There really is no comparison between the conference locations.
Well, I best get back to work.
The first is the regional music therapy conference starts on Friday, March 31st. That one ends Sunday and the next day, I fly out to the burn conference. Peaches and our pup are going with me to the music therapy conference, located at the Four Points Sheraton. She gets a mini break filled with plenty of pool time, lounging, reading, and shopping. I get to go to meetings and lectures.
The burn conference is being held Caesers Palace in Las Vegas. I was a bit late doing my reservation and the rooms were all taken so I am staying at Paris. I am so excited to go and see the crazy opulence of the resorts. But I am sad that Peaches can only go to the one at the Sheraton. I am sure it will be nice but look at the pools of the three hotels: Caesers, and Paris, and the Sheraton. Which is better for a mini break? There really is no comparison between the conference locations.
Well, I best get back to work.
12 March, 2006
Cinnabon foot and crazy dreams
It turns out that I do not have a stress fracture, thank God! Instead, the orthopedist said I have an inflammation of the soft tissue in the joint between the 2nd toe and the foot. He said the name but it all I can remember is the word started the same as Cinnabon. Cyna-something. Anyway, I get to wear this special shoe that looks a bit like a Teva for 3 weeks or until it does not hurt any more. I am much happier now that I am not imagining my foot bone with a fracture that grows and tears open with each step or lurch on the T. Someone’s imagination is a little too vivid and crazy.
Speaking of crazy and vivid imagination, I dreamed I was caring for many children this morning. We finished snack and were going outdoors, so I took the first one out down the stairs. Behind a tree was a mean skunk that came after us, growling. I was scared it would spray but could not remember if you were supposed to stand still or run from skunks. So I ran but it chased us, biting and scratching the baby and I. I finally outsmarted the skunk and got inside and locked the door (because attack skunks can open door handles, I guess). Then my coworkers arrived but no one was in a hurry to take us to the hospital. Then I woke up and I still have no idea what that crazy dream was about.
Speaking of crazy and vivid imagination, I dreamed I was caring for many children this morning. We finished snack and were going outdoors, so I took the first one out down the stairs. Behind a tree was a mean skunk that came after us, growling. I was scared it would spray but could not remember if you were supposed to stand still or run from skunks. So I ran but it chased us, biting and scratching the baby and I. I finally outsmarted the skunk and got inside and locked the door (because attack skunks can open door handles, I guess). Then my coworkers arrived but no one was in a hurry to take us to the hospital. Then I woke up and I still have no idea what that crazy dream was about.
09 March, 2006
A Kiss Goodnight
The other night, Peaches went to bed before me. I walked into the bedroom and saw her asleep on her side with her book propped open over her shoulder and her bedside lamp on. I gently moved the book to the bedside table, switched off her light, told her I love her, and kissed her goodnight. It was so quiet and still. Life had slowed down to the very basic truths. As I snuggle up to her warm body, the clutter and clatter of my life faded away. I was left with only the entirety of my love for her. I cherish moments like this.
Peaches, thank you for Civil Union-ing me 5 years ago tomorrow. I love you.
Shift
Over the past week, there has been a huge shift in me about my family. Over the past number of months in therapy, I have told the events in my life related to the rift with my family. I viewed each separately, like it was the only time something bad happened. After listening to each story, my therapist skillfully illuminated its connection to me and other events we had spoken of. Last week, I told her one of my most private stories and as before, she connected it to me and other stories.
Since then my view of my family shifted. All the pieces, my stories, now fit together; they were no longer isolated events. I saw the time line of trying to please and nearly 20 years of trying to be me and the series of rejections from my family. I clearly saw my parents’ choices to support those who have repeatedly wronged me and my parents choices to turn on me. I no longer wanted to be a part of that family but it was different from even last week. Before, I was trying to get away to protect myself; yesturday, I felt and knew that I don’t want to be a part of that family. Instead of feeling sad and rejected, I felt myself grieving what my family cannot be to me. Instead of feeling guilty for not fixing everything, I know now the responsibility lies with the parents, not with the daughter. I cannot fix it nor should I even be told to fix it. I am finally fully furious at the way they have treated me. These feelings are new. I know they may not be permanent but I am so happy for the shift.
I was stopped short though when my therapist told me I should be proud of all the work I have done. This does not strike me as something to be proud of. This is work I must do if I want to be happy again, and I do want to be happy again. I know I will.
Since then my view of my family shifted. All the pieces, my stories, now fit together; they were no longer isolated events. I saw the time line of trying to please and nearly 20 years of trying to be me and the series of rejections from my family. I clearly saw my parents’ choices to support those who have repeatedly wronged me and my parents choices to turn on me. I no longer wanted to be a part of that family but it was different from even last week. Before, I was trying to get away to protect myself; yesturday, I felt and knew that I don’t want to be a part of that family. Instead of feeling sad and rejected, I felt myself grieving what my family cannot be to me. Instead of feeling guilty for not fixing everything, I know now the responsibility lies with the parents, not with the daughter. I cannot fix it nor should I even be told to fix it. I am finally fully furious at the way they have treated me. These feelings are new. I know they may not be permanent but I am so happy for the shift.
I was stopped short though when my therapist told me I should be proud of all the work I have done. This does not strike me as something to be proud of. This is work I must do if I want to be happy again, and I do want to be happy again. I know I will.
07 March, 2006
Managed Care, a good thing?
My postings today are cranky. This is mostly from my recent experiences with managed care and because my foot hurts quite a lot. Back to managed care. I wonder what the hell does , "managed care" mean? They certainly do not manage my care well. I believe it should be labeled mismanaged care.
You see, twice in the past year, when I go to the doctor for a cold that has lasted 3 weeks with 1 week of laryngitis (I have to sing for a living so that is not a good thing at all), they tell me, "It is a virus; you need to rest." I know that; this does not help me! Peaches went in a few months ago with what turned out to be a sinus infection complicated by cellulitis in her nose (!!!) and was told it is a virus, to rest, and drink turnip soup. Now let me clarify one thing, this advise was from a MD doctor in a reputable clinic associated with Massachusetts General Hospital, a very good hospital. Peaches got a second opinion and was accurately diagnosed and given antibiotics, not soup recipes.
3 or 4 weeks ago, the joint between my second toe and my foot started hurting. I thought it was nothing and it would go away. I then thought I just have pulled something and it will go away. It did not. Finally, I called my doctor's office to get an appointment Friday. They had terrible times so I tried to get a referral so I could go to urgent care in the evening. The referral lady said it would take 4-5 days to do the referral. What use is a referral system if you cannot use it in a timely manner? So I decided to call again on Monday.
Monday, I called and went across town and I saw a doctor for less than 5 minutes. She sent me to get an x-ray, which was back across the street from my work. So I took the T back and limped over there. Tuesday morning, I got a call from the doctor, saying I have a stress fracture in my foot and that they would be setting up an appointment with an orthopedist. I call at 1 to check on the referral and the referral lady hadn't even started working on it. At 4 pm, the referral lady calls to tels me my appointment is Friday. Now, I am kind of freaked out because it is a broken bone and I have never had one. So I ask to chat with the doctor's nurse about how to care for a stress fracture. The nurse emails the doctor my questions. The doctor calls me back and sounds perturbed as she tells me to wear good shoes, don't run, and that I should be fine until Friday.
This evening, I have learned that there is not a lot one can do for stress fractures. Mostly RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) and wear good shoes. I am ok with that, although it is much like the virus thing which irritates the hell out of me. But hey, I can deal. I just want to know that if it is not a big deal and if I just have to avoid running (like I do it much more than running to catch my train), then why do I have to go to the orthopedist, use up my PTO, pay the co-pay, possibly miss part of a special training on Friday, just to hear "rest, no running, wear good shoes" again. Am I asking too much of the medical system to want to have patient education by doctors or nurses, good customer service, and quality interactions with no mention of turnips?
You see, twice in the past year, when I go to the doctor for a cold that has lasted 3 weeks with 1 week of laryngitis (I have to sing for a living so that is not a good thing at all), they tell me, "It is a virus; you need to rest." I know that; this does not help me! Peaches went in a few months ago with what turned out to be a sinus infection complicated by cellulitis in her nose (!!!) and was told it is a virus, to rest, and drink turnip soup. Now let me clarify one thing, this advise was from a MD doctor in a reputable clinic associated with Massachusetts General Hospital, a very good hospital. Peaches got a second opinion and was accurately diagnosed and given antibiotics, not soup recipes.
3 or 4 weeks ago, the joint between my second toe and my foot started hurting. I thought it was nothing and it would go away. I then thought I just have pulled something and it will go away. It did not. Finally, I called my doctor's office to get an appointment Friday. They had terrible times so I tried to get a referral so I could go to urgent care in the evening. The referral lady said it would take 4-5 days to do the referral. What use is a referral system if you cannot use it in a timely manner? So I decided to call again on Monday.
Monday, I called and went across town and I saw a doctor for less than 5 minutes. She sent me to get an x-ray, which was back across the street from my work. So I took the T back and limped over there. Tuesday morning, I got a call from the doctor, saying I have a stress fracture in my foot and that they would be setting up an appointment with an orthopedist. I call at 1 to check on the referral and the referral lady hadn't even started working on it. At 4 pm, the referral lady calls to tels me my appointment is Friday. Now, I am kind of freaked out because it is a broken bone and I have never had one. So I ask to chat with the doctor's nurse about how to care for a stress fracture. The nurse emails the doctor my questions. The doctor calls me back and sounds perturbed as she tells me to wear good shoes, don't run, and that I should be fine until Friday.
This evening, I have learned that there is not a lot one can do for stress fractures. Mostly RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation) and wear good shoes. I am ok with that, although it is much like the virus thing which irritates the hell out of me. But hey, I can deal. I just want to know that if it is not a big deal and if I just have to avoid running (like I do it much more than running to catch my train), then why do I have to go to the orthopedist, use up my PTO, pay the co-pay, possibly miss part of a special training on Friday, just to hear "rest, no running, wear good shoes" again. Am I asking too much of the medical system to want to have patient education by doctors or nurses, good customer service, and quality interactions with no mention of turnips?
Commuting Hell
The train-ride home today really sucked. The subway was delayed so I got to the station just in the nick of time to catch the train home. I did not have time to even pee, which I really had to do. So I got on and thought I would walk through the train to the car with the bathroom. But no, it was packed and multiple people were standing in the isle. So I thought, ‘I’ll listen to NPR’ but found my radio battery was dead. I did not have a book and knitting while standing on the train without falling when the train jerks is nearly impossible. So I played inane games on my cell phone. Then a man taps me on the bum (?!?) and asks me to remove my backpack. Evidently, it was bothering him. It did not help that my foot hurt with each of the hurky jerky train movements. I finally got a seat almost after an hour on the train. When I got to Worcester, I finally peed in the station restroom. I am thrilled at the fact that I get to repeat this fantastic experience again and again. *
* Note the sarcasm in my typing.
* Note the sarcasm in my typing.
06 March, 2006
Nipples for Sale
Have you ever noticed that plumbing parts are really sexual? There are couplings, nipples, male, and female parts. It is weird. We had to buy two brass nipples yesterday in our DIY nightmare. You would think two lesbians would enjoy purchasing nipples but no. It was not fun. To top it off, we had to talk to some man seriously about nipples. Eeeew!!
05 March, 2006
DIY: Blessing or Nightmare
Today, Peaches and I put in a new faucet, from IKEA, in our kitchen that promised to be a 1-2 hour project. It took four trips to Home Depot, ten hours, and much drama. We did expand the project to include installing an under the sink water filter that has it’s own spout where the sprayer (that never worked) used to live. Also contained in that ten hours were two trips to the Pet Smart for our dog's grooming. While at Home Depot on trip number two, we had the final 3 boards cut for the floor in the baby’s/spare room. We laid that two months ago but did not finish because we needed to cut the boards lengthwise to fit the final small space. And we bought the trim to go around the new floor. So it wasn’t like we were working on plumbing the entire time but lord, that faucet installation went on for fricking ever. But, the new faucet and under the sink water filter looks good!
01 March, 2006
Another Apple I-Card
I got an Apple I-Card from my sister the other day. They come periodically and are chatty, usually containing 2-3 sentences, updating the family members on her latest adventure. When I see the I-cards in my email, I am filled with anger before I even open them.
She and I were never really close growing up. Five years separate us and our interests have always been very different. When I came out, I had hope that with time and education, she would come around. Things went horribly bad one day when I was around 20 and she asked me to do something unspeakable and I declined. From that moment on, she started saying mean comments that only I would know were directed at me and everyone else would laugh at. From there, she became more and more distant and ugly and mean.
I am not a saint but honestly, for many years I tried to find a way to connect to her. Even when Peaches and I were planning our church wedding, I was willing try again and asked her advise on wedding stuff and even asked her to do a reading. She honestly admitted that she could not do the reading but wanted to come and watch from the pews, which I respected. However, when my parents freaked out at my engagement, my sister stopped all support. She did not come to the wedding nor did she acknowledge it in any way. Years later, when we kind of forced her to look at our wedding photos, she hardly said a word. And just recently at my younger brother’s wedding, she told Peaches and another guest how she and her husband would never miss a family wedding. She told my wife that after never coming to our wedding or acknowledging our marriage. I could go on but I type way too much as it is. *
I get so angry with my sister because she lives in this façade of happy family with chatty I-cards. She carries this forward in her interactions with others when I am there, smiling, being all chatty with me when people are looking, etc. But under the thin veneer of chatty, happiness is ugliness, out and out mean behavior, and a void where all substance of relationship is lacking.
And you know what is the pisser? Up until recently, if she said, "Wow, Hashbrown, I was messed up and I was wrong to be mean to you all these years." I would forgive her and try again, granted she was in therapy. But now, I am done holding out hope and trying.
* Please understand that despite the fact that I write much about weddings, there are many other instances where horrible things happened between my family and I. However, two weddings were sentinel in my life in regards to my family, my church wedding and my younger brother's wedding. They are a veritable representational culmination of all the other crap.
She and I were never really close growing up. Five years separate us and our interests have always been very different. When I came out, I had hope that with time and education, she would come around. Things went horribly bad one day when I was around 20 and she asked me to do something unspeakable and I declined. From that moment on, she started saying mean comments that only I would know were directed at me and everyone else would laugh at. From there, she became more and more distant and ugly and mean.
I am not a saint but honestly, for many years I tried to find a way to connect to her. Even when Peaches and I were planning our church wedding, I was willing try again and asked her advise on wedding stuff and even asked her to do a reading. She honestly admitted that she could not do the reading but wanted to come and watch from the pews, which I respected. However, when my parents freaked out at my engagement, my sister stopped all support. She did not come to the wedding nor did she acknowledge it in any way. Years later, when we kind of forced her to look at our wedding photos, she hardly said a word. And just recently at my younger brother’s wedding, she told Peaches and another guest how she and her husband would never miss a family wedding. She told my wife that after never coming to our wedding or acknowledging our marriage. I could go on but I type way too much as it is. *
I get so angry with my sister because she lives in this façade of happy family with chatty I-cards. She carries this forward in her interactions with others when I am there, smiling, being all chatty with me when people are looking, etc. But under the thin veneer of chatty, happiness is ugliness, out and out mean behavior, and a void where all substance of relationship is lacking.
And you know what is the pisser? Up until recently, if she said, "Wow, Hashbrown, I was messed up and I was wrong to be mean to you all these years." I would forgive her and try again, granted she was in therapy. But now, I am done holding out hope and trying.
* Please understand that despite the fact that I write much about weddings, there are many other instances where horrible things happened between my family and I. However, two weddings were sentinel in my life in regards to my family, my church wedding and my younger brother's wedding. They are a veritable representational culmination of all the other crap.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
