Shift

Over the past week, there has been a huge shift in me about my family. Over the past number of months in therapy, I have told the events in my life related to the rift with my family. I viewed each separately, like it was the only time something bad happened. After listening to each story, my therapist skillfully illuminated its connection to me and other events we had spoken of. Last week, I told her one of my most private stories and as before, she connected it to me and other stories.

Since then my view of my family shifted. All the pieces, my stories, now fit together; they were no longer isolated events. I saw the time line of trying to please and nearly 20 years of trying to be me and the series of rejections from my family. I clearly saw my parents’ choices to support those who have repeatedly wronged me and my parents choices to turn on me. I no longer wanted to be a part of that family but it was different from even last week. Before, I was trying to get away to protect myself; yesturday, I felt and knew that I don’t want to be a part of that family. Instead of feeling sad and rejected, I felt myself grieving what my family cannot be to me. Instead of feeling guilty for not fixing everything, I know now the responsibility lies with the parents, not with the daughter. I cannot fix it nor should I even be told to fix it. I am finally fully furious at the way they have treated me. These feelings are new. I know they may not be permanent but I am so happy for the shift.

I was stopped short though when my therapist told me I should be proud of all the work I have done. This does not strike me as something to be proud of. This is work I must do if I want to be happy again, and I do want to be happy again. I know I will.