18 March, 2006

Who is family?

When I first started thinking about starting a blog, I wanted to do one where I explored what makes someone family because (if you haven’t noticed), I am really struggling with severe issues with my family. But then I thought about it and knew that sort of blog would be too depressing and angsty. I thought it best to have a blog that was a veritable potpourri of things I am pondering, things that happen, and various cat and dog postings. I believe it is much better than my original, weighty, DRAMA-filled first idea.

Today, I am pondering what makes a family a family. My brother is up visiting and despite my worries about things like what will we talk about or what do I make him for dinner, it is as if no time has passed between us since we last saw each other. I treasure this closeness, acceptance, and unconditional love from my brother. This is what I believe family is and should feel like.

With the rest of my family, I do not have that feeling or anything like it. When I am with my parents, I feel as if I am being repelled from them, much like two magnets facing the wrong way. I really want nothing to do with them any more, so deep is my hurt and anger at their actions. My older brother has cut me out so long ago that he has become a stranger to me. I have never met his two children. My sister crossed a line with me years ago that she has never tried to fix or own up to. I do not feel close to her either.

I really want to know, because I do not understand, why these people with whom I have little to no contact with are so permanently bonded to me and I to them. I wish I could write them off as bad roommates from many years back. Is family a feeling of closeness or blood? Can I just want to let go of my family (except my younger brother) and surround myself only with those who love me?
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2 comments:

muse said...

Hyia, O You of the Technical Lingo. ;)

In my (small) family, there are schisms that have never been fixed over time. My father doesn't talk to his brother (my godfather - though it's much deserved, that man is a total jerk, user and manipulator) and my mom doesn't speak to her brother and sis (veeeery long story, but let's just say that when her parents divorced, for some reason her mom kept my mother's bro and sis and put her - my mom - in an orphanage! So for that and other good reasons, my mom has never felt like her family _was_ family).

For several years I didn't speak to my own kid sister, but eventually we fixed it.

So, basically, I guess that it is possible to cut a family member from your life (as it is possible to fix the break later on, if both want to).

And it is definitely possible to choose your own family. As the years pass, I realize more and more how incredibly lucky I am to have some true, long time friends who are like chosen family to me.

I'm even planning on buying a house close to a couple of them, if it all works out, next year, to create my own little "family" close to me (especially since my parents will be retiring super far from where I'll live).

Oh, and as far as the whole concept of a blog goes: when I started mine, I wanted it to be a happy journal of all the fun stuff that I did. Two weeks later my husband disappeared for 2 days on a coke and gambling binge, and ever since then my blog has often been therapeutic for me. I've also posted fun stuff, and lots of silly quizzes, and the occasional political rant. So I say go with the flow, and post whatever you want, whenever you want, without worrying about the readers. It's your space, your thoughts! :)

3:34 PM
Hashbrown said...

Thank you both for sharing your experiences. It can be a hard path to walk and it is always good to know someone else has had to walk it too.

9:28 AM

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