When I was on maternity leave in March, I was asked to be a co-presenter at the American Music Therapy Association's conference in November. Our date for presenting was set months ago for November 15th in the morning. Then, a month or so ago, we were told that Hester's finalization was scheduled for Friday November 16th at 8 in the morning. I made my travel plans to go to the conference on Wednesday, present Thursday morning, get on a plane, and get home before 10 PM. Sounds like a good plan, huh?
The presentation went well and I left the hotel early, giving myself more than two hours to go through security, find my gate, and relax. It all went well until the flight boarded a bit late, but I had almost an hour layover so it was still OK. Then we pulled out onto the tarmac and stopped. The pilot said we would be waiting there for 45 minutes to take off. This put me into Chicago 15 minutes late for my connecting flight. I called my airline from the tarmac to rearrange my connecting flight. While on hold for ever, the pilot said to turn off cell phones because we were about to take off.
The whole way to Chicago, I was thinking of what to do. What if I could not get a flight? Could I rent a car and get home in time for the adoption? If I got to the airport by 5:30 AM, I could take the commuter rail home, change into my suit from the day before, and be there on time. If I got in later, I could borrow one of my coworkers truck and drive to the court house, wearing my suit from the day before. What if I could not be there? Would my wife or daughter ever forgive me for missing it? Could I ever forgive myself? What a horrible mother I am!
I got to Chicago and called the airline again. The woman found me the last seat on the next flight. As she told me I had a seat, I started to cry. I told her that I had to get home for my daughter's adoption and thanked her a zillion times. People in the airport must have thought I was crazy for I was still crying as I walked to the next concourse where my new flight was to take off from.
By the time I arrived, my flight had been delayed until 8:30 PM from 7:20 PM. Over the next hour and a half, it was delayed to 9:40 PM and the gate was changed twice and the concourse changed once. My concern then became will I get home in time for the shuttle service ride home. Their last shuttle is at 12:15 AM. The flight would make it, just barely.
We boarded the plane 30 minutes late and then the plane just sat there for another 45 minutes. I knew it would arrive later than 12:15 AM. Clementine had said to call her if I needed a ride home and she and Hester would come get me. I did not want to do that. Luckily, when I landed, I called the shuttle service and they were waiting for me outdoors. I booked it to the shuttle and got home at 2 AM.
I was thrilled that I made it home in time, that I was not a bad mother, and that I could share this very special day with my family, Hester and Clementine.
20 November, 2007
19 November, 2007
Adoption Day Festivities Recap
Friday was a big day for us as you may know; it was the day we finalized Hester's adoption. The court scheduled Hester's adoption on National Adoption Day. This was not our choice for we wanted the day to be a contemplative day not a circus. At eight, we arrived at the court house with 30 other families. 41 children were adopted on Friday in our city. The court house had planned different festivities including family portraits for each family, speeches by state politicians and others touched by adoption,and the appearance of a local mascot. We were joined by our social worker, her intern, the lawyer appointed to us, a CASA volunteer, and the court personnel.
The actual adoption finalization was not very exciting. The judge asked us some questions about how it was going with Hester, how she was doing, what we did for work, and such. She then signed two pieces of paper and it was done. Hester was as of that moment legally our daughter as she had been in our hearts since she was born. We took pictures with the judge and she gave us some gifts for Hester. It was really a very nice day.
Saturday, we invited our and Hester's friends over for a pizza party to celebrate. Hester had a wonderful time playing with her friends and weenjoyed the company of so many friends who have given us so much supportthrough this entire process. Thanks to everyone.
We are thrilled that the entire adoption process is complete. However,in our joy to be a family with our daughter, we remember her first family and their loss. We remember the joy in her birth father's eyes when he held her. We remember how her birth mother gave us advise and celebrated with us our new motherhood. We remember her birth brother brought her gifts. We are blessed each day to see Hester's smile but are aware that her first family do not have that joy. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.
We are now free of social workers and adoption agencies which is great! No longer do we need the doctor to sign forms each time she sees Hester. No longer do we have to get special permission to travel with our daughter. Once the paperwork from the finalization is sent to us, we will get Hester her social security card and her first bank account. It is wonderful to take these steps forward now with her.
Thank you to all the blog friends and readers who have offered support and a listening ear through this entire process. Your comments, thoughts, and prayers have made a huge difference in us and our ability to cope with and celebrate every step of this process. I hope that some day we can do the same for you.
The actual adoption finalization was not very exciting. The judge asked us some questions about how it was going with Hester, how she was doing, what we did for work, and such. She then signed two pieces of paper and it was done. Hester was as of that moment legally our daughter as she had been in our hearts since she was born. We took pictures with the judge and she gave us some gifts for Hester. It was really a very nice day.
Saturday, we invited our and Hester's friends over for a pizza party to celebrate. Hester had a wonderful time playing with her friends and weenjoyed the company of so many friends who have given us so much supportthrough this entire process. Thanks to everyone.
We are thrilled that the entire adoption process is complete. However,in our joy to be a family with our daughter, we remember her first family and their loss. We remember the joy in her birth father's eyes when he held her. We remember how her birth mother gave us advise and celebrated with us our new motherhood. We remember her birth brother brought her gifts. We are blessed each day to see Hester's smile but are aware that her first family do not have that joy. Please keep them in your prayers and thoughts.
We are now free of social workers and adoption agencies which is great! No longer do we need the doctor to sign forms each time she sees Hester. No longer do we have to get special permission to travel with our daughter. Once the paperwork from the finalization is sent to us, we will get Hester her social security card and her first bank account. It is wonderful to take these steps forward now with her.
Thank you to all the blog friends and readers who have offered support and a listening ear through this entire process. Your comments, thoughts, and prayers have made a huge difference in us and our ability to cope with and celebrate every step of this process. I hope that some day we can do the same for you.
17 November, 2007
Thoughts on the L Word
We just finished watching the fourth season of the L Word. I actually like a few of the story lines this time, finally. They are doing a better job representing lesbians and transgender people. And they added some more people of color. I do hope that Jenny's boat is lost at sea and she never returns to the show. Also, I hope that Jenny stole the theme song and has it in the boat with her so it too will be lost at sea forever!
16 November, 2007
Finalization
It was an anti-climatic ceremony but it is all done. Legally, we are now a family, which we have been in our hearts since we met Hester. I love you, Hester. Clementine, thank you for opening my life up to so many things I never dreamed I could feel or be.
09 November, 2007
08 November, 2007
The Saga of the Origional Birth Certificate
My darling Clementine is amazing. When she puts her mind to it, she can accomplish anything. When her heart is involved, that women will move mountains to do what is right. This is one of many reasons I love her. Our state has a new law that seals all original birth certificates for children born up to some date in the future that I don't remember and that is not really necessary. All that is necessary is that Hester would not have access to her own original birth certificate until the laws changed. But Clementine had her heart in getting the original birth certificate for our daughter and she did it. She is my shero.
The upcoming finalization of Hester's adoption entails the issuing of a new birth certificate with Clementine and my names on it in the parent boxes. We legally become her parents that day and from that day forth, she legally becomes her wonderfully long, immensely meaningful, and beautiful name we chose for her. However, on that day, she is no longer her equally wonderful, immensely meaningful, beautiful name her birth parents choose for her. Her birth mother gave Hester her own first name, her mothers name for Hester's middle name, and her husband's last name.
I remember Ms. Stork, our social worker's words, that we hold Hester's adoption story for her until she is old enough to learn it and understand it. A part of that story is our memories of our time with her and her birth parents and brother. Another part of that story is our memories of our time with her, watching her grow up. Another part is the paperwork that documents her connection to her birth family. This includes her birth family's adoption plan, her prenatal reports, her first foot print from after her birth, photos of her with her birth family, and her original birth certificate. It is vital for Hester to have every piece of information we can give her so she knows who she is, who her birth family is, and how she came to our family.
As you may know, my mother and aunt were sisters who were adopted together. When I was 16, my mother started her search for her birth family. She was at least 40. Her questions about who her birth family was and who she was finally were answered, sort of. Sadly, when she and her sister tracked down their birth father, he was dead. They thought they found their birth mother but she denied she was their birth mother. They did find cousins and aunts and uncles. Many questions were answered. Pictures of their parents were produced. Stories about them told. My mother finally found out that the family gave them to the state as an act of love and protection, not of abandonment as they had thought for many years. I don't want my daughter to ever think she was abandoned. She never was.
So the original birth certificate is a small piece we can give to Hester so she does not have to question "who am I" any more than any teenager or adult does. It is also a small piece that tells her that she was not abandoned or unloved by her birth family, as evidenced by their chosen names for her. It is a part of her adoption story that we hold for her.
This is why it is so important to us to get it. I am speaking for myself but I think my wife will agree, what comes off as mixed feelings is the combination of happiness, joy, relief that Hester is ours and sadness and grief that Hester's final legal connection to her birth family will be erased when her name is changed and her parents are changed on the birth certificate and that her birth parents don't get to see this amazing child's smile every day.
Her birth father repeated over and over those first days of her life that we are all family now. And it is true, we are all bonded together through Hester. And like any other family member, you remember them on days that are anniversaries of good time and hard times. We will always remember them on days of importance with Hester, as well on days of the ordinary.
The upcoming finalization of Hester's adoption entails the issuing of a new birth certificate with Clementine and my names on it in the parent boxes. We legally become her parents that day and from that day forth, she legally becomes her wonderfully long, immensely meaningful, and beautiful name we chose for her. However, on that day, she is no longer her equally wonderful, immensely meaningful, beautiful name her birth parents choose for her. Her birth mother gave Hester her own first name, her mothers name for Hester's middle name, and her husband's last name.
I remember Ms. Stork, our social worker's words, that we hold Hester's adoption story for her until she is old enough to learn it and understand it. A part of that story is our memories of our time with her and her birth parents and brother. Another part of that story is our memories of our time with her, watching her grow up. Another part is the paperwork that documents her connection to her birth family. This includes her birth family's adoption plan, her prenatal reports, her first foot print from after her birth, photos of her with her birth family, and her original birth certificate. It is vital for Hester to have every piece of information we can give her so she knows who she is, who her birth family is, and how she came to our family.
As you may know, my mother and aunt were sisters who were adopted together. When I was 16, my mother started her search for her birth family. She was at least 40. Her questions about who her birth family was and who she was finally were answered, sort of. Sadly, when she and her sister tracked down their birth father, he was dead. They thought they found their birth mother but she denied she was their birth mother. They did find cousins and aunts and uncles. Many questions were answered. Pictures of their parents were produced. Stories about them told. My mother finally found out that the family gave them to the state as an act of love and protection, not of abandonment as they had thought for many years. I don't want my daughter to ever think she was abandoned. She never was.
So the original birth certificate is a small piece we can give to Hester so she does not have to question "who am I" any more than any teenager or adult does. It is also a small piece that tells her that she was not abandoned or unloved by her birth family, as evidenced by their chosen names for her. It is a part of her adoption story that we hold for her.
This is why it is so important to us to get it. I am speaking for myself but I think my wife will agree, what comes off as mixed feelings is the combination of happiness, joy, relief that Hester is ours and sadness and grief that Hester's final legal connection to her birth family will be erased when her name is changed and her parents are changed on the birth certificate and that her birth parents don't get to see this amazing child's smile every day.
Her birth father repeated over and over those first days of her life that we are all family now. And it is true, we are all bonded together through Hester. And like any other family member, you remember them on days that are anniversaries of good time and hard times. We will always remember them on days of importance with Hester, as well on days of the ordinary.
GHBeads
Yeah, so hey, did you all read about Aqua Dots? How they contain GHB, the date rape drug? Nice! Even nicer, the conversation I heard on the train tonight.
Man 1: So do your kids have those beads that were recalled? What are they called?
Man 2: Aqua Dots. No, they don't have any.
Man 1: Yeah, did you hear how they had GBH on them.
Woman: GHB. It's GHB.
Man 1: Oh yeah, the date rape drug. I wonder how many people have bought the Aqua Dots to slip to women in bars. laughing
Luckily, no one else laughed.
Yeah, so hey, don't let your 2 year old eat the Aqua Dots beads. Oh yeah, don't let 2 year olds play with beads unless they are the size of a large Chicken McNugget.
Man 1: So do your kids have those beads that were recalled? What are they called?
Man 2: Aqua Dots. No, they don't have any.
Man 1: Yeah, did you hear how they had GBH on them.
Woman: GHB. It's GHB.
Man 1: Oh yeah, the date rape drug. I wonder how many people have bought the Aqua Dots to slip to women in bars. laughing
Luckily, no one else laughed.
Yeah, so hey, don't let your 2 year old eat the Aqua Dots beads. Oh yeah, don't let 2 year olds play with beads unless they are the size of a large Chicken McNugget.
07 November, 2007
Singing the Blues
Yesterday, I was singing the blues, the commuter blues for real. On my late days, I drive in and park at a subway station. On the drive in, I was trying to stay awake so I drank my coffee and a juice. The subway ride is 30-45 minutes long. About 5 minutes into it, I felt the effects of the coffee and juice in my bladder. But all the stops on the subway there are residential areas. I tried to distract myself by knitting Clementine's Christmas present, but did not work. My urgency to go made me F it up many times which made me have to frog it over and over. Finally, the subway approached stops with restaurants where I knew there were restrooms. I stared at the map and pondered which was the best bet. I settled on waiting one more stop because there's a Starbucks very close to the T and they always have restrooms (except that one in Central Square, bastards). I booked it out of the subway, up the stairs, and over to the Starbucks. Imagine my delight to see the door to the woman's bathroom slightly ajar. No more waiting. Since the store was busy, and since I still had to ride across town to work and did not want to repeat my urgent bathroom seeking, I snuck out without purchasing a drink. I ended up being 10 minutes late but I arrived MUCH HAPPIER than I was early into the subway ride.
06 November, 2007
Crisis in the Church
My aunt died two weeks ago. My parents in all their wisdom, called me the next day at work. (Such a great choice of when and where to deliver news of some one's passing.) Anyway, it was for the best for she was very, gravely ill and in lots of pain. As they spoke, I started taking a survey of all I would need to do to get ready to go to her funeral. Then my parents told me not to come, that her own children would not be coming, and that there would not be a funeral, only a burial. My father then asked about Hester and was so relieved to hear that she was doing fine, with no developmental troubles from her extended hospitalization. As he was saying goodbye, he said to give Clementine a hug for them. This was a first for them to express any fondness toward Clementine. Death can do weird things to people.
The Sunday after I got the news, I was sitting in church and thinking about it all. I thought about how church and God has been used against me by my family and so many people. I thought about how I have been blamed for the schisms in my family. I thought about the new revelation that my Aunt was separated from her children for years, just like my mother. I thought about how hard I have tried over the years to be good, to follow Gods words, to try to heal my family, feeling that it was my fault some how. But now, now I see that it is a systemic pattern greater than my family. The traumas that my mother and her sister went through appear to have limited both from maintaining relationships with their children. All those years I tried to do what is good and right. All the years I prayed for help to mend things. All those years I thought it was my fault for setting limits, not being what she wanted me to be, for being myself. It was all a lie. It was all for nothing because it was not me.
I also thought about my Aunt. Didn't she deserve a funeral? Was she so awful that no one wanted one? Did no one see the kind heart she showed me? How could a sister lay to rest another and not want to celebrate her life?
Suddenly, church seemed like a big joke. I was angry to be there. I was angered by the talk of trying to heal relationships with others. It all seemed like a big load of crap.
Clementine and I talked about this and many things after church. Since then, I feel much better. I have resumed praying. But the anger about not knowing why things were as they are in my family still burns. Due to baby and poor time management, we have not gone to church since. But I am sure I will not be so angry but it may take some time before I can listen to talks of healing relationships or reaching out to others and not be cynical.
The Sunday after I got the news, I was sitting in church and thinking about it all. I thought about how church and God has been used against me by my family and so many people. I thought about how I have been blamed for the schisms in my family. I thought about the new revelation that my Aunt was separated from her children for years, just like my mother. I thought about how hard I have tried over the years to be good, to follow Gods words, to try to heal my family, feeling that it was my fault some how. But now, now I see that it is a systemic pattern greater than my family. The traumas that my mother and her sister went through appear to have limited both from maintaining relationships with their children. All those years I tried to do what is good and right. All the years I prayed for help to mend things. All those years I thought it was my fault for setting limits, not being what she wanted me to be, for being myself. It was all a lie. It was all for nothing because it was not me.
I also thought about my Aunt. Didn't she deserve a funeral? Was she so awful that no one wanted one? Did no one see the kind heart she showed me? How could a sister lay to rest another and not want to celebrate her life?
Suddenly, church seemed like a big joke. I was angry to be there. I was angered by the talk of trying to heal relationships with others. It all seemed like a big load of crap.
Clementine and I talked about this and many things after church. Since then, I feel much better. I have resumed praying. But the anger about not knowing why things were as they are in my family still burns. Due to baby and poor time management, we have not gone to church since. But I am sure I will not be so angry but it may take some time before I can listen to talks of healing relationships or reaching out to others and not be cynical.
05 November, 2007
Gifts
Canada started this. Then Clementine was next. Now I am doing my part.
So the first five readers who email me will get a present. Send me your address, if I don't know it already.
So the first five readers who email me will get a present. Send me your address, if I don't know it already.
Check out the Price Tag
This coffee was a gift from a missionary who brought a child to the hospital for care. She was very impressed with music therapy and it's effects upon this child. She gave me the MOST EXPENSIVE COFFEE EVER! Check out the price tag!
$ 93 coffee! Clearly, she is a very generous person.
04 November, 2007
02 November, 2007
Crappy Morning (Literally)
Here is my day so far.
1. Slept like crap. I was too hot then too cold. I woke up a zillion times. I worried about a presentation today. I had dreams about having to take care of my mother. Not dreams, more nightmares of responsibility that is unwanted.
2. I got up and went to feed the cats. I stepped in some animals puke in my bare feet. Delicious and cold. So I cleaned that up.
3. I get out of the shower and am doing deodorant and such. I see one of the cats pooped outside of the litter box. I clean that up.
4. Since she only does this when the litter box is 1. very full of poop or 2. Reuben had stinky diarrhea again, I clean out the poop from the litter pan. I go to flush it and the toilet clogs from Reuben's gigantic nasty diarrhea poops. (he keeps eating things he should not which is making the gigantic smelly diarrheas) I am still naked and have not even styled my hair yet. So I plunge the kitty poop clog. Oh so fun at 5:20 AM.
Hope your day is better!
1. Slept like crap. I was too hot then too cold. I woke up a zillion times. I worried about a presentation today. I had dreams about having to take care of my mother. Not dreams, more nightmares of responsibility that is unwanted.
2. I got up and went to feed the cats. I stepped in some animals puke in my bare feet. Delicious and cold. So I cleaned that up.
3. I get out of the shower and am doing deodorant and such. I see one of the cats pooped outside of the litter box. I clean that up.
4. Since she only does this when the litter box is 1. very full of poop or 2. Reuben had stinky diarrhea again, I clean out the poop from the litter pan. I go to flush it and the toilet clogs from Reuben's gigantic nasty diarrhea poops. (he keeps eating things he should not which is making the gigantic smelly diarrheas) I am still naked and have not even styled my hair yet. So I plunge the kitty poop clog. Oh so fun at 5:20 AM.
Hope your day is better!
Meme from JPP
5 good, 5 bad
5 things I am bad at.
1. Letting things roll off my back.
2. Keeping up with my blog.
3. Spelling and grammar!!!
4. Confronting.
5. Keeping my work desk tidy.
5 things I am good at.
1. My job.
2. Knitting.
3. Thinking critically.
4. Carving Pumpkins.
5. House painting.
5 things I am bad at.
1. Letting things roll off my back.
2. Keeping up with my blog.
3. Spelling and grammar!!!
4. Confronting.
5. Keeping my work desk tidy.
5 things I am good at.
1. My job.
2. Knitting.
3. Thinking critically.
4. Carving Pumpkins.
5. House painting.
Tooth Shoes
I guess there is an old tradition that who ever sees the baby's first tooth has to buy the baby new shoes. Well, two weeks ago, I saw it first and got the honor. I did not want to get ordinary shoes or another pair of Robeez, although those are very nice shoes for babies. In an Internet search, I found See Kai Run shoes. While looking through the different styles, I found the Neo and fell in LOVE immediately. See why?
I mean, have you ever seen a cuter pair of Mary Janes? I even want a pair if they ever made adult shoes and I cannot stand Mary Janes. But they are so fabulous and bold and fun!!
Being a frugal sort of gal, I searched the internet for the store that had them at the best price with the best shipping options. I found babyboat.com where Robeez and See Kai Run shoes are sold without shipping costs. I then found a 5% off coupon on-line! Wee hoo! Don't you just love a bargain. I ordered them over the weekend and they came in last night. We put them on Hester immediately and let her wear them the rest of the evening. The shoes are soft leather with a good rubber sole. Hester looks so very cute in them! They also have great traction so she cruised around the living room much steadier all evening! I will post pictures of Hester in her Tooth Shoes soon so come back for the loveliness!
I mean, have you ever seen a cuter pair of Mary Janes? I even want a pair if they ever made adult shoes and I cannot stand Mary Janes. But they are so fabulous and bold and fun!!Being a frugal sort of gal, I searched the internet for the store that had them at the best price with the best shipping options. I found babyboat.com where Robeez and See Kai Run shoes are sold without shipping costs. I then found a 5% off coupon on-line! Wee hoo! Don't you just love a bargain. I ordered them over the weekend and they came in last night. We put them on Hester immediately and let her wear them the rest of the evening. The shoes are soft leather with a good rubber sole. Hester looks so very cute in them! They also have great traction so she cruised around the living room much steadier all evening! I will post pictures of Hester in her Tooth Shoes soon so come back for the loveliness!
01 November, 2007
23 October, 2007
Dream
I just woke up and the dream I was having is still fresh in my mind. I was cooking thanksgiving dinner for five people. I had served two and the other two were late. I was about to sit down and then different people showed up, mainly my family members, and the expected me to share the food with them. I struggled to find enough food for them and ended up taking the Cornish game hen from my plate (What? Hello dream world, I am a vegetarian) and making it into some sort of phyllo feta dish. The unexpected guests started joking that it was a liberal log.
All I can say is that I am glad I woke up.
All I can say is that I am glad I woke up.
22 October, 2007
Teeth
I just got home from my six month check up at the dentist. Guess who is in the no cavity club again? That would be me. Hurrah! But she recommended again, a guard for teeth clenching/grinding at night. Oh, how sexy that will be.
Right after, I stopped by the grocery store to get stuff for dinner tonight and for the upcoming week. Who bought lots of candy post dentist visit? That would be me. Hurrah! No cavities so let's celebrate with candy.
On a different note, we have a minor lady bug infestation in our home. Any suggestions?
OK, I am a little low on ideas right now.
Right after, I stopped by the grocery store to get stuff for dinner tonight and for the upcoming week. Who bought lots of candy post dentist visit? That would be me. Hurrah! No cavities so let's celebrate with candy.
On a different note, we have a minor lady bug infestation in our home. Any suggestions?
OK, I am a little low on ideas right now.
20 October, 2007
Still
Weeks ago, right after I wrote the post about being mad at our priest, we got an opportunity to speak with her. We were sitting in church and her homily included stories about friends of hers who have a baby who has been in the hospital much of his life. She spoke of the importance of supporting those who are part of our community. I sat there and fumed. After, Clementine and I decided the topic of today's sermon set us up perfectly to talk to our priest about our concerns. We met with her and told her how we emailed her and the church but never heard back from them. She was clearly stunned that we had reached out but not been heard. Her surprise quelled my anger and let me see that it was truly a breakdown in the communication system. We recommended that they look into it and fix the problem so others pleas will be heard.
I was surprised to hear my voice grow heavy with sorrow and to see Clementine turn away to wipe her tears from her eyes as we told our priest. All those emotions that we could not feel at the time because we were in survival mode are now coming to the surface. In that moment, I understood why we are both so exhausted and have decreased emotional reserve since Hester's birth. Spending night after night with her in the hospital and then having to rush to our work every day only to worry about her all day took a such a toll upon us. I then thought that with time and care, we are returning to how we once were. But really, I know we will never be those two people, for now our family is three. We are bound together with Hester for the rest of our lives and beyond. Each day of our history together with Hester is written in our souls and hearts. Those weeks will always be with us and I do not think either of us will not get tearful as we remember seeing our daughter suffering.
I was surprised to hear my voice grow heavy with sorrow and to see Clementine turn away to wipe her tears from her eyes as we told our priest. All those emotions that we could not feel at the time because we were in survival mode are now coming to the surface. In that moment, I understood why we are both so exhausted and have decreased emotional reserve since Hester's birth. Spending night after night with her in the hospital and then having to rush to our work every day only to worry about her all day took a such a toll upon us. I then thought that with time and care, we are returning to how we once were. But really, I know we will never be those two people, for now our family is three. We are bound together with Hester for the rest of our lives and beyond. Each day of our history together with Hester is written in our souls and hearts. Those weeks will always be with us and I do not think either of us will not get tearful as we remember seeing our daughter suffering.
18 October, 2007
Belated Answers for Frog
Hey Frog. Thanks for answering my questions. I will answer yours now.
What's the most surprising and positive part of being a mom? The most surprising and challenging?
Hey, that is two questions in one. The most suprising and positive now part is how happy I am feeling. There is a lightness in my heart that I do not think has ever existed there. I like it very much. The most suprising and positive part ever was how much and how fast I loved Hester the second day of her life when she opened her little eyes and stared at me. It was that moment that I became her mother in my heart. It was that moment that I knew I would do anything to protect this child. It was that moment I felt more love than I ever imagined for a child wash over me. It was that moment I knew my life was changed forever and I did not mind.
The most challenging suprise for me was how much I thought of and missed my parents. Holding Hester late at night always brought me to thoughts of how my mother and father held me the same way late at night. How they must have been washed over with love and devotion for me as I am for Hester. How they must hurt so much to be cut off from me, as I imagine I would feel if I cut Hester out of my life. How hard their decision to turn against me must have been and must be every day. The compassion, love, and longing for my parents was and still is a challenge and a suprise.
How did you and Clementine meet?
Gay Marching Band.
No seriously.
I kid you not.
I had been playing with the marching band for a few years. Clementine joined it one winter. I played sax; Clementine played percussion. I watched her from across the brass section and marveled at her rhythmic precision and definitely noticed how very cute she was in her red Adidas hat. She volunteered to help me post fliers for an upcoming concert. We walked through the city that Saturday, posting fliers and talking. I discovered I had found the most enchanting and engaging woman ever. We walked and talked for hours. Stupidly, I wore my new boots to make my outfit more butch-y and cute, boots I had not broken in properly. About two hours into our fliering, I developed large blisters on each foot that covered the entire ball of my foot. But I kept walking, smiling, chatting, and flirting and did not limp. I did not tell her about my feet for I did not want the day to end. She was too wonderful and I was so captivated. Finally, when I did have to drop her off at her place so she could go to work, I drove around the corner, stopped the car, and screamed because my feet hurt like a mo fo. The romance had a bit of a rocky beginning after that but once we started dating, I think we both knew that each other was the one. That is our dorky but true story of how we met.
Do you have plans for more children? Pets?
Children, no. We were very clear in our decision to have a child that we really only wanted one. Clementine has said that once she met Hester, she knew our family was complete. I feel we are complete as well.
Pets, well, I believe we have a full house right now with two cats and one dog. I am sure we will have pets with us throughout our lives for we both get so much joy from them. I would feel incomplete without a cat or dog next to me. So, no exact plans as of now.
So to keep me blogging regularly, I will do as Frog did. Anyone can ask me three questions about anything and I will answer them. Of course, some topics may be handled like the current Bush nominee in a senate hearing: gracefully skirted.
What's the most surprising and positive part of being a mom? The most surprising and challenging?
Hey, that is two questions in one. The most suprising and positive now part is how happy I am feeling. There is a lightness in my heart that I do not think has ever existed there. I like it very much. The most suprising and positive part ever was how much and how fast I loved Hester the second day of her life when she opened her little eyes and stared at me. It was that moment that I became her mother in my heart. It was that moment that I knew I would do anything to protect this child. It was that moment I felt more love than I ever imagined for a child wash over me. It was that moment I knew my life was changed forever and I did not mind.
The most challenging suprise for me was how much I thought of and missed my parents. Holding Hester late at night always brought me to thoughts of how my mother and father held me the same way late at night. How they must have been washed over with love and devotion for me as I am for Hester. How they must hurt so much to be cut off from me, as I imagine I would feel if I cut Hester out of my life. How hard their decision to turn against me must have been and must be every day. The compassion, love, and longing for my parents was and still is a challenge and a suprise.
How did you and Clementine meet?
Gay Marching Band.
No seriously.
I kid you not.
I had been playing with the marching band for a few years. Clementine joined it one winter. I played sax; Clementine played percussion. I watched her from across the brass section and marveled at her rhythmic precision and definitely noticed how very cute she was in her red Adidas hat. She volunteered to help me post fliers for an upcoming concert. We walked through the city that Saturday, posting fliers and talking. I discovered I had found the most enchanting and engaging woman ever. We walked and talked for hours. Stupidly, I wore my new boots to make my outfit more butch-y and cute, boots I had not broken in properly. About two hours into our fliering, I developed large blisters on each foot that covered the entire ball of my foot. But I kept walking, smiling, chatting, and flirting and did not limp. I did not tell her about my feet for I did not want the day to end. She was too wonderful and I was so captivated. Finally, when I did have to drop her off at her place so she could go to work, I drove around the corner, stopped the car, and screamed because my feet hurt like a mo fo. The romance had a bit of a rocky beginning after that but once we started dating, I think we both knew that each other was the one. That is our dorky but true story of how we met.
Do you have plans for more children? Pets?
Children, no. We were very clear in our decision to have a child that we really only wanted one. Clementine has said that once she met Hester, she knew our family was complete. I feel we are complete as well.
Pets, well, I believe we have a full house right now with two cats and one dog. I am sure we will have pets with us throughout our lives for we both get so much joy from them. I would feel incomplete without a cat or dog next to me. So, no exact plans as of now.
So to keep me blogging regularly, I will do as Frog did. Anyone can ask me three questions about anything and I will answer them. Of course, some topics may be handled like the current Bush nominee in a senate hearing: gracefully skirted.
Clementine tagged me
OK, Clementine, here is the meme you tagged me with.
Choose a word for each letter of your middle name (then you must tag other bloggers, one for each letter).
M is for motherhood which I am finding I enjoy much more than I ever expected. Certainly, like on nights like tonight where the tasks of washing bottles, getting things ready for Hester for tomorrow, setting up Mr. Belvedere, I miss nights before Hester when I could just go to bed. But in the grand scheme of things, the happiness I feel every day since she came into our lives is worth all the nights washing bottles and so much more. The happiness motherhood has brought me is invaluable.
I tag Squasha at Running into the Unknown. I know she has nothing to do with the letter M but then neither does anyone else except JPP who has already been tagged. But I thought Squasha would do because she is a MT like Me!
A is for is for All Things Considered. I LOVE NPR! (Sorry, sort of lame but I could not think of anything else that I could write).
I tag Abigail at The Abigailia.
R is for Radiohead. Hester has a CD of Radiohead songs that are turned into lullabies. It is playing right now in her room and I am sitting outside her room, reassuring her, waiting for her to drift off to sleep. I also have been listening to the real Radiohead (OK Computer and The Bends) on my MP3 player. Oh, I could have used that for my M. Oh well.
I tag Frog at Frogblog.
I is for illness which I hope to avoid. I just got my first flu shot ever yesterday. I have refused it all these years but decided to get it to protect Hester. Also, Hester had to get it so I thought it was only fair to get it too.
I tag Canada at Just Jump In.
E is for equality. The battle here is over for marriage but continues on for equality in marriage benefits. Me and my hat of justice march on to the battle front.
I tag Psycho Kitty at SBFH cause Kitty ends with an e sound.
Clearly my blogisphere of friends is limited and I must stretch to meet the challenges of my middle name letters.
Choose a word for each letter of your middle name (then you must tag other bloggers, one for each letter).
M is for motherhood which I am finding I enjoy much more than I ever expected. Certainly, like on nights like tonight where the tasks of washing bottles, getting things ready for Hester for tomorrow, setting up Mr. Belvedere, I miss nights before Hester when I could just go to bed. But in the grand scheme of things, the happiness I feel every day since she came into our lives is worth all the nights washing bottles and so much more. The happiness motherhood has brought me is invaluable.
I tag Squasha at Running into the Unknown. I know she has nothing to do with the letter M but then neither does anyone else except JPP who has already been tagged. But I thought Squasha would do because she is a MT like Me!
A is for is for All Things Considered. I LOVE NPR! (Sorry, sort of lame but I could not think of anything else that I could write).
I tag Abigail at The Abigailia.
R is for Radiohead. Hester has a CD of Radiohead songs that are turned into lullabies. It is playing right now in her room and I am sitting outside her room, reassuring her, waiting for her to drift off to sleep. I also have been listening to the real Radiohead (OK Computer and The Bends) on my MP3 player. Oh, I could have used that for my M. Oh well.
I tag Frog at Frogblog.
I is for illness which I hope to avoid. I just got my first flu shot ever yesterday. I have refused it all these years but decided to get it to protect Hester. Also, Hester had to get it so I thought it was only fair to get it too.
I tag Canada at Just Jump In.
E is for equality. The battle here is over for marriage but continues on for equality in marriage benefits. Me and my hat of justice march on to the battle front.
I tag Psycho Kitty at SBFH cause Kitty ends with an e sound.
Clearly my blogisphere of friends is limited and I must stretch to meet the challenges of my middle name letters.
19 September, 2007
Visit
My brother, Snapdragon, comes today to visit for a week. I should be excited but am just feeling stretched thin. It is the first time for he and Hester to meet. He is the first of my family to meet our daughter. I should be excited but can only think of work, interns, how I want to go back to bed, the knitting I must complete for Hester's baptism, and the drive in to work. Oh, and I must pester the priest. And find the air mattress.
I am hoping to do fun things with Snapdragon and Hester and Clementine when she is not working. The Big E, southwick zoo, etc. It will be fun once I get through today.
I am hoping to do fun things with Snapdragon and Hester and Clementine when she is not working. The Big E, southwick zoo, etc. It will be fun once I get through today.
17 September, 2007
Irritated with a Priest
Will that send me to Hell?
I know it won't but thought it would spark your interest in reading my post.
So I am irritated at our priest. Clementine thinks it could be me doing some transference from family issues. I don't doubt it but I still think I have every right to be irritated with her. Here is why.
1. Hester is to be baptised in like two weeks and we have not met with her yet about the details, to talk about what baptism means, or to even fill out the paperwork. I guess there is an intent to baptise form, much like the intent to graduate form in college, which my adviser did not tell me about until I called him to ask where my degree was because it had been months since I finished. Anyway, back to the priest, she has said she would contact us last weekend but did not. And then after church we waited to chat with her but she went right to vestry meeting and was unavailable, saying she would contact us this week. So far, nothing. I do not want Hester's baptism postponed because of the priest's inability to meet with us.
2. When Hester was in the NICU, I emailed our priest to tell her that we would like her to be placed on the prayer list and to let her know that our child was in the hospital. We did not hear back at all from her. I was hurt and also spread too thin to deal with it so I did not pursue it. Clementine did email the church office person the same message and again, nothing. Hester was never put on the prayer list. Finally, when Clementine contacted them much later about the baptism plans, she went through the web site's contact us form. This did get a response. So there must be some glitch within their email system but that is a pretty big glitch. It would have meant so much to have the support of that loving community while we were up with Hester every day at the hospital. There are people there who we know would have called or visited. But they did not know. We have not been able to talk with the priest about this for she was away on sabbatical and has not gotten back to us about the baptism. So I stew about this as I wait to meet with her.
3. The final thing is a year or so ago, I had asked to meet with her about religious questions within my work. I made an appointment and showed up on time to find that she had gone home to feed her dog, forgetting our appointment. I was so irritated that she forgot the meeting and I then coped in my usual way of avoiding.
I sometimes wonder if she wants us to be in her church. The church community has embraced us completely and is so very welcoming. We are members. But I feel she is less than warm with us, or me. We are not members who are there doing lots of church things or volunteer to teach Sunday school. Hell, I am not even an Episcopalian. But we come to the church clean up days until the baby came. We helped usher. We help clean up after the picnics. We try to be a part of things.
I don't know where I am going with this. I did not get much sleep last night and am very tired. But again, she did not email me or Clementine and I was feeling angry. I expect priests to be there when you need them. It isn't like we are pesting her all the time for stuff. I would have liked to have my sick baby prayed for. It would have been nice to meet with her when I had questions. It would be nice to learn about the Episcopalian baptism and how it differs from Catholic ones. Clementine has questions about the language that she is not comfortable with. I want her to be happy with it. I don't want us to do something half assed. But we need to meet with the priest. I guess tomorrow I will put her on my call to pester list right after the adoption agency that has had our paperwork for a week already but has not contacted us about filing it with the court.
I know it won't but thought it would spark your interest in reading my post.
So I am irritated at our priest. Clementine thinks it could be me doing some transference from family issues. I don't doubt it but I still think I have every right to be irritated with her. Here is why.
1. Hester is to be baptised in like two weeks and we have not met with her yet about the details, to talk about what baptism means, or to even fill out the paperwork. I guess there is an intent to baptise form, much like the intent to graduate form in college, which my adviser did not tell me about until I called him to ask where my degree was because it had been months since I finished. Anyway, back to the priest, she has said she would contact us last weekend but did not. And then after church we waited to chat with her but she went right to vestry meeting and was unavailable, saying she would contact us this week. So far, nothing. I do not want Hester's baptism postponed because of the priest's inability to meet with us.
2. When Hester was in the NICU, I emailed our priest to tell her that we would like her to be placed on the prayer list and to let her know that our child was in the hospital. We did not hear back at all from her. I was hurt and also spread too thin to deal with it so I did not pursue it. Clementine did email the church office person the same message and again, nothing. Hester was never put on the prayer list. Finally, when Clementine contacted them much later about the baptism plans, she went through the web site's contact us form. This did get a response. So there must be some glitch within their email system but that is a pretty big glitch. It would have meant so much to have the support of that loving community while we were up with Hester every day at the hospital. There are people there who we know would have called or visited. But they did not know. We have not been able to talk with the priest about this for she was away on sabbatical and has not gotten back to us about the baptism. So I stew about this as I wait to meet with her.
3. The final thing is a year or so ago, I had asked to meet with her about religious questions within my work. I made an appointment and showed up on time to find that she had gone home to feed her dog, forgetting our appointment. I was so irritated that she forgot the meeting and I then coped in my usual way of avoiding.
I sometimes wonder if she wants us to be in her church. The church community has embraced us completely and is so very welcoming. We are members. But I feel she is less than warm with us, or me. We are not members who are there doing lots of church things or volunteer to teach Sunday school. Hell, I am not even an Episcopalian. But we come to the church clean up days until the baby came. We helped usher. We help clean up after the picnics. We try to be a part of things.
I don't know where I am going with this. I did not get much sleep last night and am very tired. But again, she did not email me or Clementine and I was feeling angry. I expect priests to be there when you need them. It isn't like we are pesting her all the time for stuff. I would have liked to have my sick baby prayed for. It would have been nice to meet with her when I had questions. It would be nice to learn about the Episcopalian baptism and how it differs from Catholic ones. Clementine has questions about the language that she is not comfortable with. I want her to be happy with it. I don't want us to do something half assed. But we need to meet with the priest. I guess tomorrow I will put her on my call to pester list right after the adoption agency that has had our paperwork for a week already but has not contacted us about filing it with the court.
Introducing . . . . .
Clementine named him Mr. Belvedere. I ordered him for us a few weeks ago. I thought he would be helpful for Clementine. She gets up every morning early to sweep and mop as well as do other cleaning and preparing for the children. And now she has the added work of getting Hester up and going before the other little cherubs arrive. I thought if he did an OK job mopping the floors each night, that would be good enough. We could do more of the deep cleaning on the weekends. I have been surprised at how good of a job he really does do. The floors are clean, not streaked and even the edges look good. Thanks for the help, Mr. Belvedere!
PS. We did not choose that floor. It was here when we moved in.
04 September, 2007
The day before the flu
Hester and I enjoyed a little fall leaf action. Yes, she rides on my shoulders.
Not So Fun
Do you know what is not so fun? Going to visit the in-laws and all the extended family on that side and getting the flu, throwing up outside a McDonald's, spending a fever filled night in a hotel also throwing up, and then driving six or seven hours to get home. Good times!
One funny thing that happened. I was sleeping and having those weird fever dreams and in it I heard, "The countdown begins. 10, 9" I woke up to feel my stomach getting very queasy. Despite being awake, I heard the countdown continue. "8, 7" I broke out into a cold sweat. I knew it was coming. "6, 5" I started heading to the bathroom. "4, 3, 2" I took off my glasses and assumed the position and guess what happened on cue on 0. Yup. It was so weird I sort of chuckled in my head. It made that vomiting episode a bit more fun. You gotta look on the bright side when worshiping the porcelain god.
Another funny thing, when I first was puking, Clementine and I had the same thought. That she would be holding my hair if I had enough hair to hold. She loves me that much. Ah, the joys of marriage. Thanks Clementine! I know you got my back. I love you.
One funny thing that happened. I was sleeping and having those weird fever dreams and in it I heard, "The countdown begins. 10, 9" I woke up to feel my stomach getting very queasy. Despite being awake, I heard the countdown continue. "8, 7" I broke out into a cold sweat. I knew it was coming. "6, 5" I started heading to the bathroom. "4, 3, 2" I took off my glasses and assumed the position and guess what happened on cue on 0. Yup. It was so weird I sort of chuckled in my head. It made that vomiting episode a bit more fun. You gotta look on the bright side when worshiping the porcelain god.
Another funny thing, when I first was puking, Clementine and I had the same thought. That she would be holding my hair if I had enough hair to hold. She loves me that much. Ah, the joys of marriage. Thanks Clementine! I know you got my back. I love you.
31 August, 2007
One More Thing
I was published again! I just got a copy of the JMT and there was my study!!!! Hurray!
Yarn Store Fun
Hester and I went to my favorite yarn store recently. We perused the sale yarns but and found some lovely yellow that will make nice lemon baby hats. Then I went and looked at the yarns in the store, looking for something that would make a pretty sweater to go over Hester's baptism gown. I settled on Debbie Bliss merino. So beautiful. Then I started looking at patterns to get an idea of how much to buy. As I looked through a Debby Bliss book, I saw the most beautiful knit white dress. Simple but lovely and perfect for Hester's baptism. I called Clementine and proposed it to her. She agreed and I got the yarn. Already, Clementine has knit the back half of the dress. I am starting the booties today and will then work on the sweater to go over the dress.
Here is Hester with a colossal pile of sale yarns!
Illness and Death
This week has been unusual. It started with a forwarded email from a cousin. Her brother's wife died suddenly. I did not know her at all. It bought back memories of those cousins when I was small and still lived in California. Since we moved to Colorado, nearly all my ties to cousins, aunts, and uncles faded. Since I am not close to the cousin, I sent a card and fruit basket to the family.
That night, I got a voice mail from my brother who told me a favorite aunt, my mother's sister, was gravely ill with renal disease and her pancreas had stopped working. I called and talked with him about it and learned that she is very weak. I cried that night, thinking of how she had always been special to me. When I was small, she worked for Avon and would send us the biggest box of Christmas presents every year. We would joke that you could smell it coming a week before it arrived. Even if I did not like the smells of the perfume or body lotion she choose for me, I treasured the gifts she gave me. I felt loved by her. Later in life, she embraced me as I was, when my family grappled with the inner and outer changes. She loved it when I dyed my hair black, which my mother HATED more than any other color I dyed my hair. She accepted my homosexuality without batting an eye (that I could see). She embraced Clementine and congratulated us on our legal marriage the last time we saw her. I remember one particularly bad night before my sisters wedding. My brothers and parents were on the front lawn yelling and fighting. My sister was acting like nothing was happening and wanted me to look at her bride book. I did not know what to do and my aunt walked up to me, holding a scotch on the rocks. She said, "Hashbrown, you are the only sane one here. I think you should take care of them outside. I am going to bed." With that and a bat of her false eyelashes, she waltzed to the guest room and shut the door. I did not go out to stop the fight but smiled at my aunt's belief that I was the only sane one. I love my aunt and am so sad to think she may be gone soon.
Since the voicemail from my brother, I have been emailing my parents a lot and even called them. I have not called them since they stormed out of our house seven years ago when they found they could not stop us from marrying. It turns out that my aunt had a huge falling out with her two children two years ago and she has not talked to them since. Neither know she is dying. Her daughter and I email periodically and my mother decided she needed to tell my cousins that their mother was dying. It is weird and scary for me to be in contact with my parents so much again. They are being very nice. But that is their pattern. First they are nice. Then they get mean when I open up and trust them. I hate to be so mistrusting of people but really cannot risk my heart or those of my wife and child to their spiteful behaviour.
The decision whether to go to California when she passes looms over me. I feel I should go say good bye to my aunt, who despite her flaws which were many, was always kind to me and accepting of me. Going would mean being around my parents who are such a threat to me now as they are being nice. And should I take Hester with me? It would be her first flight. I would love to introduce her to my brother and his wife, my cousin, and the extended family that I do not know. I will decide when the moment comes.
That night, I got a voice mail from my brother who told me a favorite aunt, my mother's sister, was gravely ill with renal disease and her pancreas had stopped working. I called and talked with him about it and learned that she is very weak. I cried that night, thinking of how she had always been special to me. When I was small, she worked for Avon and would send us the biggest box of Christmas presents every year. We would joke that you could smell it coming a week before it arrived. Even if I did not like the smells of the perfume or body lotion she choose for me, I treasured the gifts she gave me. I felt loved by her. Later in life, she embraced me as I was, when my family grappled with the inner and outer changes. She loved it when I dyed my hair black, which my mother HATED more than any other color I dyed my hair. She accepted my homosexuality without batting an eye (that I could see). She embraced Clementine and congratulated us on our legal marriage the last time we saw her. I remember one particularly bad night before my sisters wedding. My brothers and parents were on the front lawn yelling and fighting. My sister was acting like nothing was happening and wanted me to look at her bride book. I did not know what to do and my aunt walked up to me, holding a scotch on the rocks. She said, "Hashbrown, you are the only sane one here. I think you should take care of them outside. I am going to bed." With that and a bat of her false eyelashes, she waltzed to the guest room and shut the door. I did not go out to stop the fight but smiled at my aunt's belief that I was the only sane one. I love my aunt and am so sad to think she may be gone soon.
Since the voicemail from my brother, I have been emailing my parents a lot and even called them. I have not called them since they stormed out of our house seven years ago when they found they could not stop us from marrying. It turns out that my aunt had a huge falling out with her two children two years ago and she has not talked to them since. Neither know she is dying. Her daughter and I email periodically and my mother decided she needed to tell my cousins that their mother was dying. It is weird and scary for me to be in contact with my parents so much again. They are being very nice. But that is their pattern. First they are nice. Then they get mean when I open up and trust them. I hate to be so mistrusting of people but really cannot risk my heart or those of my wife and child to their spiteful behaviour.
The decision whether to go to California when she passes looms over me. I feel I should go say good bye to my aunt, who despite her flaws which were many, was always kind to me and accepting of me. Going would mean being around my parents who are such a threat to me now as they are being nice. And should I take Hester with me? It would be her first flight. I would love to introduce her to my brother and his wife, my cousin, and the extended family that I do not know. I will decide when the moment comes.
Singing to my child
From the first days with Hester, I sang to her the song "Always." It is an old song, in 3/4 time, with a beautiful melody. I chose to sing it to her for it's words.
I'll be loving you, always
With a love that's true, always
When the things you planned
Need a helping hand
I will understand, always, always
Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll be there, always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year
But always.
When I first sang it to her, I cried at the promise in the lyrics and meant every word. I sing it to her nearly every day. Now when I sing it to her, she knows it. If she is crying because she is tired, she stops crying and looks at me. And lately, she reaches up and touches my lips as I sing. I don't cry anymore when I sing it to her, but I still feel the enormity of the promise, a promise to parent differently than I was taught. A promise to never turn my back on her.
I'll be loving you, always
With a love that's true, always
When the things you planned
Need a helping hand
I will understand, always, always
Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll be there, always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year
But always.
When I first sang it to her, I cried at the promise in the lyrics and meant every word. I sing it to her nearly every day. Now when I sing it to her, she knows it. If she is crying because she is tired, she stops crying and looks at me. And lately, she reaches up and touches my lips as I sing. I don't cry anymore when I sing it to her, but I still feel the enormity of the promise, a promise to parent differently than I was taught. A promise to never turn my back on her.
27 August, 2007
hats galore
Hey Friends. Here are some hats I knit. I don't remember the name of the yarn. It was on sale (are you sensing a theme in my knitting). I had two skeins of the stuff, one pink and one green. I knit all the hats on size 5.
This is a simple 6 month old size hat with a rolled brim and a fat i-cord top. The i-cord is about an inch long. It is a basic hat. 
This one is sized for an infant 0-3 months. It is the ends of the two skeins. Instead of the rolled brim, I did a garter stitch brim of 6 rows. I switched colors every eight rows. I was not sure of how it would look when finished, the mixing of the colors and the variegated yarns, but it is not half bad.
What do you think?
The green hat.
This is a simple 6 month old size hat with a rolled brim and a fat i-cord top. The i-cord is about an inch long. It is a basic hat. The pink party hat.
This pink hat is also size 6 months and has the rolled brim. I experimented with the top of this one. I knit three thin i-cords, three stitches each. I then wove the ends back through each and pulled it a little bit to create the curl. I was not sure how it would look but I think it came out pretty good.
The stripy hat.
This one is sized for an infant 0-3 months. It is the ends of the two skeins. Instead of the rolled brim, I did a garter stitch brim of 6 rows. I switched colors every eight rows. I was not sure of how it would look when finished, the mixing of the colors and the variegated yarns, but it is not half bad.What do you think?
16 August, 2007
Over heard on the train
"Yeah, the train just pulled out of the station. We will be in (the city where I live) in 25 minutes," said a enthusiastic and loud fellow into his cell phone in the seat behind me. "Not hardly," I rudely said under my breath so as not to dash his exuberant belief in the speed of the train. Somewhere, maybe 20 minutes into the ride, he was again loudly speaking on his cell phone. "Yeah, it will be ten more minutes." I laughed quietly to myself. You see, the local train takes about 1 hour and 38 minutes from the station to my city. That man either never looked at a train schedule, lived in a different universe where time and trains move at a very different pace, or is just crazy.
15 August, 2007
Guilty Pleasure
I got an email from the library today that a book I ordered came in. I was so excited all day, waiting for it to come it. Was it a great novel, a literary wonder, maybe a book about neurological functioning or music therapy, you ask?
Nope.
It was this. So fabulously bad and yet so fun to read. I cannot wait to jump in bed and start it!
Nope.
It was this. So fabulously bad and yet so fun to read. I cannot wait to jump in bed and start it!
Hat
I made this from yarn we got for $2 at a sale. I did not plan for it to be for anyone specific. I thought it would be a good baby present for one of the many pregnant women in my life or we could sell it at a craft fair next summer under our brand name, Haughty Hausfrau. But I modeled it on Hester to show Clementine and Clementine fell in love with it. So Hester has a new hat!
It is a soft fluffy acrylic-ish yarn similar to Plush. I knit it on 10's.
14 August, 2007
Hello Again
Hey there bloggy friends.
Sorry I have been absent. I have been quite busy through the day at work and then when I am home, I really only want to focus on Hester and Clementine. But I have missed blogging. I do read your blogs a few times a week. However, I have moved to lurker status by not commenting.
So I wanted to tell you a crazy thing that just happened. I was telling Clementine about this annoying OT at work. She was lying in bed and I was standing at the doorway with my hand on the bathroom doorway. All of a sudden, I felt this strong tap tap on my fingers. Frightened, I pulled my hand away and turned in horror, thinking someone was hiding in our bathroom, tapping my hand. I looked in, only to see little miss Josephine. Clementine laughed so hard, she nearly wet herself.
My daily life with Hester and Clementine has been wonderful as always. We have been taking small and large trips here and there with her. Every day with her is a gift. As is every day with Clementine. My life is so very blessed by both of them.
Sorry I have been absent. I have been quite busy through the day at work and then when I am home, I really only want to focus on Hester and Clementine. But I have missed blogging. I do read your blogs a few times a week. However, I have moved to lurker status by not commenting.
So I wanted to tell you a crazy thing that just happened. I was telling Clementine about this annoying OT at work. She was lying in bed and I was standing at the doorway with my hand on the bathroom doorway. All of a sudden, I felt this strong tap tap on my fingers. Frightened, I pulled my hand away and turned in horror, thinking someone was hiding in our bathroom, tapping my hand. I looked in, only to see little miss Josephine. Clementine laughed so hard, she nearly wet herself.
My daily life with Hester and Clementine has been wonderful as always. We have been taking small and large trips here and there with her. Every day with her is a gift. As is every day with Clementine. My life is so very blessed by both of them.
Here we are at a farm.
Here we are at a museum.
Here we are at a family reunion.
Here we are at the zoo.
Work has been good and hard. It is good to be more focused there. I feel like I am really there, present, and making a difference in some kids lives. There is the usual personality differences like the annoying OT from earlier but it is all manageable. I still struggle to find my professional identity post-baby. Before Hester, I had a razor sharp focus at work. Work was my life. Home was very important but I really worked hard to get to where I was for my career. I wrote articles, wrote research proposals, wrote grant proposals at home in my spare time. The moment I saw Hester's head, my life and focus changed to family. Work is still very important and the work I do is very compelling. I love it. But I love my family more. Who am I now as a music therapist that work, my clients, my career, music therapy is not my life? I am not sure. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and expect one day I will wake up one morning and know.
Work has been hard too. There was a girl from Latin America who when I last sang to her, I knew that day it was the last time that I would ever see her. That evening, she was transferred to the PICU at another hospital where she passed away. It is amazing that a little girl who never woke up reached out and touched my heart. Her passing is a sadness that stays with me as I see her sister and grandmother daily. Her death was pointless and an outcome of violence from a family member. This is one of the hardest part of my job, knowing the evil that lurks within the heart of human beings.
At the same time, I have seen how simple kindnesses from me have touched deeply the hearts of two other patients. A sympathetic ear, a kind smile, singing a favorite song, holding some one's hand when they are scared, rubbing some one's back as they cry, these things do more than we ever know. It is an honor to be with these children as they recover and rebuild their lives.
A fun story of professional activities to follow all that is needed. So I belong to the MT listserv, which is so incredibly annoying and asinine at times. Some people say things that make me wonder what they studied in school, how they ever got a therapy job, and fear for the future of my profession. One of those times came recently. I was so flabbergasted by what someone was saying that I had to confront it directly. Just so you know, I did not swear, say wicked, or threaten violence. I used I statements and not even my favorite one "I feel you are a jerk." I was polite, saying perhaps we had different ways of practicing. But I effectively shut her up from saying any more untherapeutic things. I also appeared to stopped all threads on the listserv for a few days, except for various job postings. It was excellent!
I fit in shorts I did not fit into at the beginning of the summer. I also went down one scrub size.
My hair is finally cut and I do not look like a muffin.
Mitt Romney is a jerk, comparing serving in the military in Iraq or Afghanistan to working on his campaign. Please God, do not let him be elected president!
Also, Carl Rove is leaving! Oh happy day!! Bush is truly a lame duck now. Kick him while he is down, Nancy Pelosi!!
Oh, when passing out packets of sunscreen at a local outdoor concert as an awareness campaign for the hospital, the park rangers came to us and told us we could not pass out that at a family event. We were dumbfounded. Sunscreen is not family friendly??? But then we noted the size of the packets were the same as that of condoms. We laughed and told the rangers what it was and that we were from a children's hospital.
It is late and I gotta work tomorrow. thanks for coming by to check on me. I will try to post regularly. If you don't hear from me, I am probably busy but lurking around your blog.
13 July, 2007
04 July, 2007
Who is a bigger dork than I?
I was driving into work this morning and heard NPR reporters reading the Declaration of Independence and got teary-eyed. Can you top this?
Mumzy Hester Zoo Day
Hester and I have Mondays together. For a while, there have been appointments, visitors, or Hester was ill on our Mondays so we have not done much. Last week, we did go strawberry picking. A little thing I learned from that, Hester does not like to be in the front carrier when you bend over repeatedly to pick strawberries. Next time, leave her in the stroller.
This Monday, we went to the zoo. It was a wonderful day. Hester rode in the front carrier so she could see the animals. It was so cool to show my daughter her first elephant, giraffe, and camel. She loved the animals. Each time she saw one, she kicked her legs, waved her arms, and talked up a storm. It was a wonderful, wonderful day. I love being her Mumzy.
Hester and the camel.
Hester LOVED the crane!
Hester post-zoo fun.
03 July, 2007
Thank you, Friend
Dear JPP,
Thank you for your kind card a few weeks ago. I was so touched by your words and kindness. When I read your card, I got a bit teary. I want you to know that I wrote those posts on the train after a particularly sad week of family issues. As it is with feelings and me, often after I say it, I feel much better and can move on to other things. However, I do want to say thank you for letting me know that you are there for me as well as Clementine. It is good to have wonderful people who have your back.
Love,
Hashbrown
Thank you for your kind card a few weeks ago. I was so touched by your words and kindness. When I read your card, I got a bit teary. I want you to know that I wrote those posts on the train after a particularly sad week of family issues. As it is with feelings and me, often after I say it, I feel much better and can move on to other things. However, I do want to say thank you for letting me know that you are there for me as well as Clementine. It is good to have wonderful people who have your back.
Love,
Hashbrown
22 June, 2007
Baptism and Support
We have set a date for Hester's Baptism, Oct. 7. She will be baptized by the priest who married us, in the church we were married in, and on the date of our 6th wedding anniversary. Pretty sweet, huh?
As Clementine discussed all her family that will be coming to Hester's baptism, I became more and more anti-family and grumpy. I did not want to spend so much time with family. It was not until much later that I realized that I sincerely doubt any of my family will be attending the baptism. That just ain't right.
Then, a good friend who lives in Ohio called me and proved me wrong. She told me she was looking into coming out for the Baptism. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I told her how much it meant t me that she was going to try to come out. I told her that probably none of my family would be there. That doubled her desire to be there with us to celebrate Hester's big day.
As Clementine discussed all her family that will be coming to Hester's baptism, I became more and more anti-family and grumpy. I did not want to spend so much time with family. It was not until much later that I realized that I sincerely doubt any of my family will be attending the baptism. That just ain't right.
You see, recently I spoke with Clementine about how I have built a family of choice out of my friends who are very special to me. I have worked so hard to cultivate and maintain these relationships. But when I sit down and really look at these relationships, I know I need them more than they need me. They have families who care about them. They don't NEED a family like I do. I know that when push comes to shove, I am ultimately alone, except for Clementine.
Then, a good friend who lives in Ohio called me and proved me wrong. She told me she was looking into coming out for the Baptism. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I told her how much it meant t me that she was going to try to come out. I told her that probably none of my family would be there. That doubled her desire to be there with us to celebrate Hester's big day.
20 June, 2007
Boston Pride
This year, there is no snap report on Boston Pride. Sorry, I spent the day bummed about family issues. I felt like I was missing so much of Hester's life because of work. Two days a week, at least, I don't even see her awake unless there is a midnight feeding. And that is only change her diaper, feed her, watch her fall asleep within the first 5 minutes of her bottle, and put her back to bed when she finishes eating.
By Monday morning, my funky mood was still around and quite sour. Poor Clementine had to witness it all and bear the weight of my sadness. As I weeded the garden Monday afternoon, I thought about all the time I wasted feeling upset that I don't have much time with Hester. I thought about how much my crappy mood took away from my time with my daughter. I decided that all I can do beyond quit my job (which cannot happen for a very long time) is to accept things as they are, focus on the positives, and enjoy my time with my daughter and wife. Wish me luck.
By Monday morning, my funky mood was still around and quite sour. Poor Clementine had to witness it all and bear the weight of my sadness. As I weeded the garden Monday afternoon, I thought about all the time I wasted feeling upset that I don't have much time with Hester. I thought about how much my crappy mood took away from my time with my daughter. I decided that all I can do beyond quit my job (which cannot happen for a very long time) is to accept things as they are, focus on the positives, and enjoy my time with my daughter and wife. Wish me luck.
Oh Brother
My brother, Snapdragon, has always had my back. He has been unceasingly my greatest ally in my family since I came out as a lesbian and as a survivor. As children, we were inseparable. People thought we were twins all the time. I secretly wished we were twins. He had so many traits I valued like his strength to withstand anything, his compassion, and his desire to learn more. Our close relationship has continued into our adulthood He means so much to me.
As Hester’s birth came closer, Snapdragon spoke of coming up to visit when she comes home to help us out around the house and to meet his niece. I was so touched that he wanted to come and be with us and share in our new family. But as the events of her birth and long hospitalization unfolded, his trip was postponed for the spring. I was cool with that.
However, those plans changed. Snapdragon called me and told me it would be in the summer. They have a friend in Mexico who had a child a year ago with whom they want to visit. Their reason for changing things up was that part of Mexico is very hot in the summer, hence going in the spring. They were going to come out when both he and his wife were on summer break.
The next time we discussed his trip to meet Hester; the date was changed to September. He and his wife had made plans to go to France to visit our sister. This is my sister who has been quite horrible to me. And it turns out that my other brother and parents will also be in France when Snapdragon and his wife are there.
The latest conversations about their visit have been punctuated with comments about how much all their travel has cost this year. He ponders aloud to me how they will be able to afford the trip to visit us after paying for France.
I am so hurt that the trip has been changed from January to spring to June to September. I feel like meeting his niece has taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I feel like I have taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I am pissed off that he changed the date of the trip here to see our sister. Or maybe it is all of this and more.
I want to tell him how I feel about the changes in the date to come visit us and meet Hester. But I worry that if I criticize I could loose the only family member who is supportive of me. I am sure these worries are just in my head. But am I brave enough to say anything?
As Hester’s birth came closer, Snapdragon spoke of coming up to visit when she comes home to help us out around the house and to meet his niece. I was so touched that he wanted to come and be with us and share in our new family. But as the events of her birth and long hospitalization unfolded, his trip was postponed for the spring. I was cool with that.
However, those plans changed. Snapdragon called me and told me it would be in the summer. They have a friend in Mexico who had a child a year ago with whom they want to visit. Their reason for changing things up was that part of Mexico is very hot in the summer, hence going in the spring. They were going to come out when both he and his wife were on summer break.
The next time we discussed his trip to meet Hester; the date was changed to September. He and his wife had made plans to go to France to visit our sister. This is my sister who has been quite horrible to me. And it turns out that my other brother and parents will also be in France when Snapdragon and his wife are there.
The latest conversations about their visit have been punctuated with comments about how much all their travel has cost this year. He ponders aloud to me how they will be able to afford the trip to visit us after paying for France.
I am so hurt that the trip has been changed from January to spring to June to September. I feel like meeting his niece has taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I feel like I have taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I am pissed off that he changed the date of the trip here to see our sister. Or maybe it is all of this and more.
I want to tell him how I feel about the changes in the date to come visit us and meet Hester. But I worry that if I criticize I could loose the only family member who is supportive of me. I am sure these worries are just in my head. But am I brave enough to say anything?
19 June, 2007
There I go again
About two months ago, I received an email from my sister, stating she thought we were getting closer. This was news to me, specially that she continues to call my daughter by the wrong name, never acknowledged my marriage, and never apologized for very inappropriate behavior in our early adulthood (directed at me). I emailed her back, pointing each of these points out to her. Since then, I have not heard so much a s a peep from her. So much for closeness. There I go again, smashing her fictional constructs of her family members. Bad Hashbrown! Shame on me for living in the truth.
18 June, 2007
Perfect Night
Tonight, I brought Hester upstairs to her room to get her settled. As she is getting older now, 5 months, I think it is time to start getting her in a routine at night and a semi-regular bedtime. So first, I changed her diaper and put her in her sleeper. She is so funny. The second you start taking off her cloths to change her diaper or her cloths, she starts smiling. The girl loves to be naked. After that, we settled into the rocking chair and read a few books, "Tell Me Again About the Day I was Born," and "Madeline." She got a bit frustrated and tried to eat the books but I did not let her. We shifted positions a few times to make her happier and I started to sing to her. I sang "Always," "Down in the Valley," "De Colores," "Twinkle Twinkle," and a few others. Right after I started singing, she calmed down and looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes. She stared at me as I sang to her until she turned her head away, shut her eyes, and promptly fell asleep. It was a wonderful ending to a great day together.
01 June, 2007
Bad Week
This week is rough, filled with lots of feeling bad. After five action packed days with my in-laws, I returned to work. Tuesday is one of my 12 hour work days where I am gone from the house for 16 hours. In the late afternoon, as I was returning to the hospital after a coffee run, I got a call from Clementine that Hester was running a low fever. I felt so bad that I was enjoying a coffee from Starbucks while my baby is sick and Clementine is taking care of her and all the other children in her child care. I felt that my place was not work but to be home with our child, making her feel better. That night, when I got home, Hester and Clementine were already in bed. It is common for me not to even see our daughter awake on my long days.
Wednesday morning, I saw Hester for her 4 AM feeding and then got ready to go to work again. That evening, we were to have haircuts. After work, I had a bit of time between work and the appointment so I went to Porter Square to buy some yarn for projects for pregnant coworkers. I was having such a nice relaxing time looking at yarn, listening to my Zen on the T, and walking around the city. I called Clementine to get an ETA on her arrival and heard Hester’s loud cry and Clementine’s harried voice. A nightmare of screaming and puking was taking place on the MassPike. For a summary of that nightmare, read here. I felt so bad and guilty that I was having such a nice relaxing time and they were having an awful time. I went to the Starbucks near our hairdresser and awaited Clementine and Hester’s arrival. I felt like I should be in the car, caring for Hester, helping Clementine out but instead I was sitting there, drinking tea, and knitting. After our haircuts, Hester cried and puked for much of the trip home. I tried as hard as I could to soothe her, singing, holding her hand, stroking her head, and talking to her but nothing worked. She finally fell asleep. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world for wanting to get a hair cut when it clearly was too much for my baby, putting my vanity in front of my child’s needs. At the same time, I felt so frustrated that I cannot even get a simple good haircut since becoming a mother. It was horrible.
Hester slept though the night but woke up before I left for work Thursday. I left for work with Clementine crying, frustrated that Hester ate only 1 ounce of formula and then proceeded to play with her toes, refusing to eat more. Through the day, I tried to call a bunch to offer Clementine what support I could from afar. She told me how Hester was still not eating much and that the other kids were having a difficult time getting along. She sounded so harried and upset. Meanwhile, I am in the air conditioned hospital away from all that drama, having a pretty mellow day. I was dying to get home and see my child awake and happy. I wanted to listen to my wife in person and give her the support she needs. But the train was messed up and delivered us an hour late home. By then, Hester was asleep for the night and I was overwrought with guilt and feelings of being a bad mother for never being home with my child when she needed me or home with my wife when she needed me. I ended up crying and dumping all this plus family crap and work crap all over Clementine. So much for being supportive.
At 2 AM, Hester woke up for a bottle. I got up even though Clementine had offered to do my night after my crying fit. I do savor the moments with Hester. She smiled her big gummy grin as I changed her diaper. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms as I fed her the bottle. I put her down and went to bed again, got up at 5 and went to work for another long day. When I get home tonight, Hester, and maybe Clementine, will be asleep. I miss my daughter and my wife. I wish I could do a better job at balancing all this and being a good mother.
Wednesday morning, I saw Hester for her 4 AM feeding and then got ready to go to work again. That evening, we were to have haircuts. After work, I had a bit of time between work and the appointment so I went to Porter Square to buy some yarn for projects for pregnant coworkers. I was having such a nice relaxing time looking at yarn, listening to my Zen on the T, and walking around the city. I called Clementine to get an ETA on her arrival and heard Hester’s loud cry and Clementine’s harried voice. A nightmare of screaming and puking was taking place on the MassPike. For a summary of that nightmare, read here. I felt so bad and guilty that I was having such a nice relaxing time and they were having an awful time. I went to the Starbucks near our hairdresser and awaited Clementine and Hester’s arrival. I felt like I should be in the car, caring for Hester, helping Clementine out but instead I was sitting there, drinking tea, and knitting. After our haircuts, Hester cried and puked for much of the trip home. I tried as hard as I could to soothe her, singing, holding her hand, stroking her head, and talking to her but nothing worked. She finally fell asleep. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world for wanting to get a hair cut when it clearly was too much for my baby, putting my vanity in front of my child’s needs. At the same time, I felt so frustrated that I cannot even get a simple good haircut since becoming a mother. It was horrible.
Hester slept though the night but woke up before I left for work Thursday. I left for work with Clementine crying, frustrated that Hester ate only 1 ounce of formula and then proceeded to play with her toes, refusing to eat more. Through the day, I tried to call a bunch to offer Clementine what support I could from afar. She told me how Hester was still not eating much and that the other kids were having a difficult time getting along. She sounded so harried and upset. Meanwhile, I am in the air conditioned hospital away from all that drama, having a pretty mellow day. I was dying to get home and see my child awake and happy. I wanted to listen to my wife in person and give her the support she needs. But the train was messed up and delivered us an hour late home. By then, Hester was asleep for the night and I was overwrought with guilt and feelings of being a bad mother for never being home with my child when she needed me or home with my wife when she needed me. I ended up crying and dumping all this plus family crap and work crap all over Clementine. So much for being supportive.
At 2 AM, Hester woke up for a bottle. I got up even though Clementine had offered to do my night after my crying fit. I do savor the moments with Hester. She smiled her big gummy grin as I changed her diaper. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms as I fed her the bottle. I put her down and went to bed again, got up at 5 and went to work for another long day. When I get home tonight, Hester, and maybe Clementine, will be asleep. I miss my daughter and my wife. I wish I could do a better job at balancing all this and being a good mother.
16 May, 2007
Questions Answered
A while ago, Abigail asked "Do you still enjoy work? Or is it just something to get through so you can be with your loved ones again?"
I have been thinking a lot about how parenthood has affected me at work. There are so many shifts, some subtle and some not so subtle. I have taken some time to sort through it all. I don't have a definitive answer but I will do my best.
Do I still enjoy work? Yes, I do. I have always LOVED my job. That hospital is the BOMB! Most of my coworkers are friendly and kind. The work is compelling. The patients and their families are really wonderful people. The opportunities for and support of music therapy research is there. I have an internship program up and running. The priorities toward providing the children with the best possible health care with no expense spared makes the place amazing. So, I still love my work.
I do find that my energy level at work has changed. My focus is not quite as intense as it was before January. I work hard but not as hard as I used to. Emotional situations are harder for me to be open to. When a parent cried the other day as her child fell asleep in the OR, I opened myself to empathizing by imagining Hester in the woman's child's place. I was immediately flooded with so much sadness and worry. I had to shut down my thoughts of Hester in order to continue to support the parent as we left the OR.
I find it is harder to be present with patients during painful procedures. I need to compartmentalize my home life far from my work life. This is a skill I already had but am employing it even more now. However, I feel like I am too closed off to really connect to my patients like I was before Hester's birth. I am not sure if it is that I am protecting myself or that I am so tired that I don't have the energy to be fully present during intense painful experiences. It is not that I am doing horribly at work. The shift is minor and I don't think my coworkers even notice. But I see it. I am not sure if these changes are permanent or just for now.
Is work something I just do to get through the day until I can go home to my loved ones? Kind of. Before Hester, MT was my life and my job and career were tightly married. Since Hester, I am still dedicated to my career. I just have new priorities that supersede MT. And I don't mind it at all. I am still very dedicated to continuing to do research, to find better ways to treat my clients, to serve on the regional and national levels, and my practice. But little Hester and my family (Clementine and Hester and I) are more important. I no longer see my job and career as one in the same. My job right now is a ways to attain my career goals but not the end all be all. I can see myself working else where in a few years. Maybe a small community hospital, maybe a private practice focusing on pain and wellness, maybe even working at a fancy spa. Who knows? But I do not have to keep at my current job until retirement anymore. I am willing to make sacrifices of the fabulousness of my current hospital for more time with my family.
Did that answer your questions?
I have been thinking a lot about how parenthood has affected me at work. There are so many shifts, some subtle and some not so subtle. I have taken some time to sort through it all. I don't have a definitive answer but I will do my best.
Do I still enjoy work? Yes, I do. I have always LOVED my job. That hospital is the BOMB! Most of my coworkers are friendly and kind. The work is compelling. The patients and their families are really wonderful people. The opportunities for and support of music therapy research is there. I have an internship program up and running. The priorities toward providing the children with the best possible health care with no expense spared makes the place amazing. So, I still love my work.
I do find that my energy level at work has changed. My focus is not quite as intense as it was before January. I work hard but not as hard as I used to. Emotional situations are harder for me to be open to. When a parent cried the other day as her child fell asleep in the OR, I opened myself to empathizing by imagining Hester in the woman's child's place. I was immediately flooded with so much sadness and worry. I had to shut down my thoughts of Hester in order to continue to support the parent as we left the OR.
I find it is harder to be present with patients during painful procedures. I need to compartmentalize my home life far from my work life. This is a skill I already had but am employing it even more now. However, I feel like I am too closed off to really connect to my patients like I was before Hester's birth. I am not sure if it is that I am protecting myself or that I am so tired that I don't have the energy to be fully present during intense painful experiences. It is not that I am doing horribly at work. The shift is minor and I don't think my coworkers even notice. But I see it. I am not sure if these changes are permanent or just for now.
Is work something I just do to get through the day until I can go home to my loved ones? Kind of. Before Hester, MT was my life and my job and career were tightly married. Since Hester, I am still dedicated to my career. I just have new priorities that supersede MT. And I don't mind it at all. I am still very dedicated to continuing to do research, to find better ways to treat my clients, to serve on the regional and national levels, and my practice. But little Hester and my family (Clementine and Hester and I) are more important. I no longer see my job and career as one in the same. My job right now is a ways to attain my career goals but not the end all be all. I can see myself working else where in a few years. Maybe a small community hospital, maybe a private practice focusing on pain and wellness, maybe even working at a fancy spa. Who knows? But I do not have to keep at my current job until retirement anymore. I am willing to make sacrifices of the fabulousness of my current hospital for more time with my family.
Did that answer your questions?
14 May, 2007
Sweet Dreams
Last night, Hester woke up as I tried to transfer her to her crib. We still needed to call Hester's first mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. So I gave her a bottle while Clementine called Hester's first mother. As they spoke, Hester finished eating. We sat there together listening to Clementine talk. Hester just gazed up at my face and slowly drifted off to sleep. It reminded me so much of the second night of Hester's life. On that night, she woke up for the first time and gazed into my eyes. At that moment, I knew I was Hester's mother deep in my heart. It seemed a fitting end to my first Mother's Day to relive that moment as well as reconnect with Hester's first mother.
Then
Now
New Shoes
We went to the New Balance Factory Outlet
and
someone tried on some running shoes for the first time!
13 May, 2007
Mother's Day Note
Hello Mom
I just wanted to take a moment to wish you a happy Mother's Day. Not a day has gone by since Hester was born that I do not think about you. I especially think about just how much I love Hester and how you must feel that same way for each of your children. I hope you have had a wonderful day.
Love,
Hashbrown, Clementine, and Hester
I just wanted to take a moment to wish you a happy Mother's Day. Not a day has gone by since Hester was born that I do not think about you. I especially think about just how much I love Hester and how you must feel that same way for each of your children. I hope you have had a wonderful day.
Love,
Hashbrown, Clementine, and Hester
10 May, 2007
Tagging
OK. From the past post about five things you did not know about me, I will tag JPP, Abigail, Clementine, Canada, and Psycho Kitty.
04 May, 2007
Five things for Friday
OK, so Muse tagged me. Here are five things you may not know about me.
1. I feel like snuggling more when the sheets are just washed.
2. I own 4 guitars, 3 saxophones (alto, tenor, and bari), 2 harmonicas, and 1 sitar.
3. Despite being a news junkie (listening to NPR, watching the evening news, watching Meet the Press, reading Huffington Post), I only read the funnies in the Sunday paper.
4. I like to paint my toe nails. But not red or pink because that makes me think of my mother's toe nails.
5. Despite being a vegetarian, I DO NOT LIKE eggplant or orange squashes.
1. I feel like snuggling more when the sheets are just washed.
2. I own 4 guitars, 3 saxophones (alto, tenor, and bari), 2 harmonicas, and 1 sitar.
3. Despite being a news junkie (listening to NPR, watching the evening news, watching Meet the Press, reading Huffington Post), I only read the funnies in the Sunday paper.
4. I like to paint my toe nails. But not red or pink because that makes me think of my mother's toe nails.
5. Despite being a vegetarian, I DO NOT LIKE eggplant or orange squashes.
03 May, 2007
02 May, 2007
Mumzy Hester Day
I love my Monday outings with Hester. We went shopping for Clementine's birthday this week. It was awesome. We found a great deal on . . . Oh, no, Clementine! No peaking!
Last week, I pulled a new parent forgetful moment. I packed up everything I could think of in my diaper bag for the afternoon of errands. We got to the mall and Hester started to cry. So I headed to Starbucks, got a drink and lunch, and sat down to feed her. I had her bottle with the water measured out but had forgotten to put the container of formula powder into my bag. So we booked it out of the mall and drove to Target. There, I bought more formula (and some $.99 onesies on sale!! Go big C). We then drove to another Starbucks where she enjoyed a soy formula and I had another drink.
This week's outing was much calmer and more organized. I did not forget anything. We strolled the mall and shopped until Hester was hungry. So we went to Starbucks. We did have a great time dancing to "Day-o" and laughing at the Starbucks. Yes, I go to Starbucks a lot with her but it is not for the drinks. Here are my reasons for going there.
1. They let you sit there as long as you want.
2. They have clean bathrooms.
3. They have changing tables in the bathrooms.
4. They are pleasant and have nice chairs.
5. They often play good music which makes slow feedings much more enjoyable for Mumzy!
6. OK, I'll admitt it, I like the drinks there.
I cannot wait for next weeks adventure! I don't know what it is yet. Hey Hester, do you have any good ideas?
Last week, I pulled a new parent forgetful moment. I packed up everything I could think of in my diaper bag for the afternoon of errands. We got to the mall and Hester started to cry. So I headed to Starbucks, got a drink and lunch, and sat down to feed her. I had her bottle with the water measured out but had forgotten to put the container of formula powder into my bag. So we booked it out of the mall and drove to Target. There, I bought more formula (and some $.99 onesies on sale!! Go big C). We then drove to another Starbucks where she enjoyed a soy formula and I had another drink.
This week's outing was much calmer and more organized. I did not forget anything. We strolled the mall and shopped until Hester was hungry. So we went to Starbucks. We did have a great time dancing to "Day-o" and laughing at the Starbucks. Yes, I go to Starbucks a lot with her but it is not for the drinks. Here are my reasons for going there.
1. They let you sit there as long as you want.
2. They have clean bathrooms.
3. They have changing tables in the bathrooms.
4. They are pleasant and have nice chairs.
5. They often play good music which makes slow feedings much more enjoyable for Mumzy!
6. OK, I'll admitt it, I like the drinks there.
I cannot wait for next weeks adventure! I don't know what it is yet. Hey Hester, do you have any good ideas?
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