Mumzy Hester Zoo Day

Hester and I have Mondays together. For a while, there have been appointments, visitors, or Hester was ill on our Mondays so we have not done much. Last week, we did go strawberry picking. A little thing I learned from that, Hester does not like to be in the front carrier when you bend over repeatedly to pick strawberries. Next time, leave her in the stroller.

This Monday, we went to the zoo. It was a wonderful day. Hester rode in the front carrier so she could see the animals. It was so cool to show my daughter her first elephant, giraffe, and camel. She loved the animals. Each time she saw one, she kicked her legs, waved her arms, and talked up a storm. It was a wonderful, wonderful day. I love being her Mumzy.

Hester and the camel.

Hester LOVED the crane!

Hester post-zoo fun.

Thank you, Friend

Dear JPP,
Thank you for your kind card a few weeks ago. I was so touched by your words and kindness. When I read your card, I got a bit teary. I want you to know that I wrote those posts on the train after a particularly sad week of family issues. As it is with feelings and me, often after I say it, I feel much better and can move on to other things. However, I do want to say thank you for letting me know that you are there for me as well as Clementine. It is good to have wonderful people who have your back.
Love,
Hashbrown

Baptism and Support

We have set a date for Hester's Baptism, Oct. 7. She will be baptized by the priest who married us, in the church we were married in, and on the date of our 6th wedding anniversary. Pretty sweet, huh?

As Clementine discussed all her family that will be coming to Hester's baptism, I became more and more anti-family and grumpy. I did not want to spend so much time with family. It was not until much later that I realized that I sincerely doubt any of my family will be attending the baptism. That just ain't right.

You see, recently I spoke with Clementine about how I have built a family of choice out of my friends who are very special to me. I have worked so hard to cultivate and maintain these relationships. But when I sit down and really look at these relationships, I know I need them more than they need me. They have families who care about them. They don't NEED a family like I do. I know that when push comes to shove, I am ultimately alone, except for Clementine.

Then, a good friend who lives in Ohio called me and proved me wrong. She told me she was looking into coming out for the Baptism. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I told her how much it meant t me that she was going to try to come out. I told her that probably none of my family would be there. That doubled her desire to be there with us to celebrate Hester's big day.

Boston Pride

This year, there is no snap report on Boston Pride. Sorry, I spent the day bummed about family issues. I felt like I was missing so much of Hester's life because of work. Two days a week, at least, I don't even see her awake unless there is a midnight feeding. And that is only change her diaper, feed her, watch her fall asleep within the first 5 minutes of her bottle, and put her back to bed when she finishes eating.

By Monday morning, my funky mood was still around and quite sour. Poor Clementine had to witness it all and bear the weight of my sadness. As I weeded the garden Monday afternoon, I thought about all the time I wasted feeling upset that I don't have much time with Hester. I thought about how much my crappy mood took away from my time with my daughter. I decided that all I can do beyond quit my job (which cannot happen for a very long time) is to accept things as they are, focus on the positives, and enjoy my time with my daughter and wife. Wish me luck.

Oh Brother

My brother, Snapdragon, has always had my back. He has been unceasingly my greatest ally in my family since I came out as a lesbian and as a survivor. As children, we were inseparable. People thought we were twins all the time. I secretly wished we were twins. He had so many traits I valued like his strength to withstand anything, his compassion, and his desire to learn more. Our close relationship has continued into our adulthood He means so much to me.

As Hester’s birth came closer, Snapdragon spoke of coming up to visit when she comes home to help us out around the house and to meet his niece. I was so touched that he wanted to come and be with us and share in our new family. But as the events of her birth and long hospitalization unfolded, his trip was postponed for the spring. I was cool with that.

However, those plans changed. Snapdragon called me and told me it would be in the summer. They have a friend in Mexico who had a child a year ago with whom they want to visit. Their reason for changing things up was that part of Mexico is very hot in the summer, hence going in the spring. They were going to come out when both he and his wife were on summer break.

The next time we discussed his trip to meet Hester; the date was changed to September. He and his wife had made plans to go to France to visit our sister. This is my sister who has been quite horrible to me. And it turns out that my other brother and parents will also be in France when Snapdragon and his wife are there.

The latest conversations about their visit have been punctuated with comments about how much all their travel has cost this year. He ponders aloud to me how they will be able to afford the trip to visit us after paying for France.

I am so hurt that the trip has been changed from January to spring to June to September. I feel like meeting his niece has taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I feel like I have taken a back seat to everyone. Or maybe I am pissed off that he changed the date of the trip here to see our sister. Or maybe it is all of this and more.

I want to tell him how I feel about the changes in the date to come visit us and meet Hester. But I worry that if I criticize I could loose the only family member who is supportive of me. I am sure these worries are just in my head. But am I brave enough to say anything?

There I go again

About two months ago, I received an email from my sister, stating she thought we were getting closer. This was news to me, specially that she continues to call my daughter by the wrong name, never acknowledged my marriage, and never apologized for very inappropriate behavior in our early adulthood (directed at me). I emailed her back, pointing each of these points out to her. Since then, I have not heard so much a s a peep from her. So much for closeness. There I go again, smashing her fictional constructs of her family members. Bad Hashbrown! Shame on me for living in the truth.

Perfect Night

Tonight, I brought Hester upstairs to her room to get her settled. As she is getting older now, 5 months, I think it is time to start getting her in a routine at night and a semi-regular bedtime. So first, I changed her diaper and put her in her sleeper. She is so funny. The second you start taking off her cloths to change her diaper or her cloths, she starts smiling. The girl loves to be naked. After that, we settled into the rocking chair and read a few books, "Tell Me Again About the Day I was Born," and "Madeline." She got a bit frustrated and tried to eat the books but I did not let her. We shifted positions a few times to make her happier and I started to sing to her. I sang "Always," "Down in the Valley," "De Colores," "Twinkle Twinkle," and a few others. Right after I started singing, she calmed down and looked up at me with her beautiful brown eyes. She stared at me as I sang to her until she turned her head away, shut her eyes, and promptly fell asleep. It was a wonderful ending to a great day together.

Bad Week

This week is rough, filled with lots of feeling bad. After five action packed days with my in-laws, I returned to work. Tuesday is one of my 12 hour work days where I am gone from the house for 16 hours. In the late afternoon, as I was returning to the hospital after a coffee run, I got a call from Clementine that Hester was running a low fever. I felt so bad that I was enjoying a coffee from Starbucks while my baby is sick and Clementine is taking care of her and all the other children in her child care. I felt that my place was not work but to be home with our child, making her feel better. That night, when I got home, Hester and Clementine were already in bed. It is common for me not to even see our daughter awake on my long days.

Wednesday morning, I saw Hester for her 4 AM feeding and then got ready to go to work again. That evening, we were to have haircuts. After work, I had a bit of time between work and the appointment so I went to Porter Square to buy some yarn for projects for pregnant coworkers. I was having such a nice relaxing time looking at yarn, listening to my Zen on the T, and walking around the city. I called Clementine to get an ETA on her arrival and heard Hester’s loud cry and Clementine’s harried voice. A nightmare of screaming and puking was taking place on the MassPike. For a summary of that nightmare, read here. I felt so bad and guilty that I was having such a nice relaxing time and they were having an awful time. I went to the Starbucks near our hairdresser and awaited Clementine and Hester’s arrival. I felt like I should be in the car, caring for Hester, helping Clementine out but instead I was sitting there, drinking tea, and knitting. After our haircuts, Hester cried and puked for much of the trip home. I tried as hard as I could to soothe her, singing, holding her hand, stroking her head, and talking to her but nothing worked. She finally fell asleep. I felt like the most horrible mother in the world for wanting to get a hair cut when it clearly was too much for my baby, putting my vanity in front of my child’s needs. At the same time, I felt so frustrated that I cannot even get a simple good haircut since becoming a mother. It was horrible.

Hester slept though the night but woke up before I left for work Thursday. I left for work with Clementine crying, frustrated that Hester ate only 1 ounce of formula and then proceeded to play with her toes, refusing to eat more. Through the day, I tried to call a bunch to offer Clementine what support I could from afar. She told me how Hester was still not eating much and that the other kids were having a difficult time getting along. She sounded so harried and upset. Meanwhile, I am in the air conditioned hospital away from all that drama, having a pretty mellow day. I was dying to get home and see my child awake and happy. I wanted to listen to my wife in person and give her the support she needs. But the train was messed up and delivered us an hour late home. By then, Hester was asleep for the night and I was overwrought with guilt and feelings of being a bad mother for never being home with my child when she needed me or home with my wife when she needed me. I ended up crying and dumping all this plus family crap and work crap all over Clementine. So much for being supportive.

At 2 AM, Hester woke up for a bottle. I got up even though Clementine had offered to do my night after my crying fit. I do savor the moments with Hester. She smiled her big gummy grin as I changed her diaper. I loved feeling the weight of her in my arms as I fed her the bottle. I put her down and went to bed again, got up at 5 and went to work for another long day. When I get home tonight, Hester, and maybe Clementine, will be asleep. I miss my daughter and my wife. I wish I could do a better job at balancing all this and being a good mother.

Questions Answered

A while ago, Abigail asked "Do you still enjoy work? Or is it just something to get through so you can be with your loved ones again?"

I have been thinking a lot about how parenthood has affected me at work. There are so many shifts, some subtle and some not so subtle. I have taken some time to sort through it all. I don't have a definitive answer but I will do my best.

Do I still enjoy work? Yes, I do. I have always LOVED my job. That hospital is the BOMB! Most of my coworkers are friendly and kind. The work is compelling. The patients and their families are really wonderful people. The opportunities for and support of music therapy research is there. I have an internship program up and running. The priorities toward providing the children with the best possible health care with no expense spared makes the place amazing. So, I still love my work.

I do find that my energy level at work has changed. My focus is not quite as intense as it was before January. I work hard but not as hard as I used to. Emotional situations are harder for me to be open to. When a parent cried the other day as her child fell asleep in the OR, I opened myself to empathizing by imagining Hester in the woman's child's place. I was immediately flooded with so much sadness and worry. I had to shut down my thoughts of Hester in order to continue to support the parent as we left the OR.

I find it is harder to be present with patients during painful procedures. I need to compartmentalize my home life far from my work life. This is a skill I already had but am employing it even more now. However, I feel like I am too closed off to really connect to my patients like I was before Hester's birth. I am not sure if it is that I am protecting myself or that I am so tired that I don't have the energy to be fully present during intense painful experiences. It is not that I am doing horribly at work. The shift is minor and I don't think my coworkers even notice. But I see it. I am not sure if these changes are permanent or just for now.

Is work something I just do to get through the day until I can go home to my loved ones? Kind of. Before Hester, MT was my life and my job and career were tightly married. Since Hester, I am still dedicated to my career. I just have new priorities that supersede MT. And I don't mind it at all. I am still very dedicated to continuing to do research, to find better ways to treat my clients, to serve on the regional and national levels, and my practice. But little Hester and my family (Clementine and Hester and I) are more important. I no longer see my job and career as one in the same. My job right now is a ways to attain my career goals but not the end all be all. I can see myself working else where in a few years. Maybe a small community hospital, maybe a private practice focusing on pain and wellness, maybe even working at a fancy spa. Who knows? But I do not have to keep at my current job until retirement anymore. I am willing to make sacrifices of the fabulousness of my current hospital for more time with my family.

Did that answer your questions?

Sweet Dreams

Last night, Hester woke up as I tried to transfer her to her crib. We still needed to call Hester's first mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. So I gave her a bottle while Clementine called Hester's first mother. As they spoke, Hester finished eating. We sat there together listening to Clementine talk. Hester just gazed up at my face and slowly drifted off to sleep. It reminded me so much of the second night of Hester's life. On that night, she woke up for the first time and gazed into my eyes. At that moment, I knew I was Hester's mother deep in my heart. It seemed a fitting end to my first Mother's Day to relive that moment as well as reconnect with Hester's first mother.

Then

Now

New Shoes

We went to the New Balance Factory Outlet

and

someone tried on some running shoes for the first time!

Mother's Day Note

Hello Mom
I just wanted to take a moment to wish you a happy Mother's Day. Not a day has gone by since Hester was born that I do not think about you. I especially think about just how much I love Hester and how you must feel that same way for each of your children. I hope you have had a wonderful day.
Love,
Hashbrown, Clementine, and Hester

Tagging

OK. From the past post about five things you did not know about me, I will tag JPP, Abigail, Clementine, Canada, and Psycho Kitty.

Five things for Friday

OK, so Muse tagged me. Here are five things you may not know about me.
1. I feel like snuggling more when the sheets are just washed.
2. I own 4 guitars, 3 saxophones (alto, tenor, and bari), 2 harmonicas, and 1 sitar.
3. Despite being a news junkie (listening to NPR, watching the evening news, watching Meet the Press, reading Huffington Post), I only read the funnies in the Sunday paper.
4. I like to paint my toe nails. But not red or pink because that makes me think of my mother's toe nails.
5. Despite being a vegetarian, I DO NOT LIKE eggplant or orange squashes.

The cutest cheeks in town

Mumzy Hester Day

I love my Monday outings with Hester. We went shopping for Clementine's birthday this week. It was awesome. We found a great deal on . . . Oh, no, Clementine! No peaking!

Last week, I pulled a new parent forgetful moment. I packed up everything I could think of in my diaper bag for the afternoon of errands. We got to the mall and Hester started to cry. So I headed to Starbucks, got a drink and lunch, and sat down to feed her. I had her bottle with the water measured out but had forgotten to put the container of formula powder into my bag. So we booked it out of the mall and drove to Target. There, I bought more formula (and some $.99 onesies on sale!! Go big C). We then drove to another Starbucks where she enjoyed a soy formula and I had another drink.

This week's outing was much calmer and more organized. I did not forget anything. We strolled the mall and shopped until Hester was hungry. So we went to Starbucks. We did have a great time dancing to "Day-o" and laughing at the Starbucks. Yes, I go to Starbucks a lot with her but it is not for the drinks. Here are my reasons for going there.
1. They let you sit there as long as you want.
2. They have clean bathrooms.
3. They have changing tables in the bathrooms.
4. They are pleasant and have nice chairs.
5. They often play good music which makes slow feedings much more enjoyable for Mumzy!
6. OK, I'll admitt it, I like the drinks there.

I cannot wait for next weeks adventure! I don't know what it is yet. Hey Hester, do you have any good ideas?

Thoughts about Parents

My parents continue to email me after receiving the photo greeting cards we make of Hester (we have been doing on each major holiday). They even sent a stuffed lamb for Easter to Hester. I am surprised that everyone was right that they may be in contact more when I had a child. I am happy, mostly, with the tentative nature of our interactions. I wonder if this is the start of re-establishing our relationship or not.

When I hold Hester, my mind wanders to thinking about how my parents held me. I think a lot about my mother. I think about how much I love Hester and how my mother must have felt the same way when holding me. I think about how I never want to be estranged from Hester and how much it must hurt my mother to be estranged from me. I wonder about her choices in regards to me, especially the choice to cling to religions that say being queer is bad. I know God and religions are powerful forces in her life but each time I look at Hester, each time I hold her, each time I see her I feel the presence of God with each of us and in the love we have for each other. I wish my mother and father could get beyond what man says God believes and could see that God made me in His image as much as he made them in His image. I wish they could see God in Hester, Clementine, and themselves. I am not so angry with them anymore. I am more surprised that something made by men, religion, could come between the love a parent has for their child.

Finally, a moment to blog

Things have been so busy lately. Having a little baby at home really limits how much I am able to do in my time home. Especially since I jump at any chance to take care of her since I am away from her so much when I am working.

So the first week at work was good but it got much worse after that. During my second week at work, the census at work was down and there was more time to think about home than usual. I ached in my heart to be away from Hester. I counted the moments to the end of my shift. I stared at pictures of Hester. I tried not to cry. Since that week, each week seems a little bit better. But even now, as I think about being at work all day and into the night tomorrow, I feel the tears rise.

Work is picking up and some new children have arrived that look to be interesting and challenging to work with. That is good for I will have less time to think about where I wish I was.

Smile!

It is all Okey Dokey

Except I don't have much free time to blog, knit, or answer emails.

So being back to work has been OK, good even. I am actually happy to be at work but still so very happy to be a parent. I do love my job and the time away and the changes in me since Hester was born have made me really get back to what I love about it. I am recharged and focused while I am there. I have a different perspective that I am not sure I can quite sum up yet. It helps so much that work is such a nice community of people who all know each other's business. Everyone asks about Hester and asks me how I am doing being back. I get the usual question about how much she is sleeping. It is really nice to work with such a nice group of people. Also, the patients are so very compelling and amazing. I really enjoy working with them and seeing them grow, heal, and smile.

I think one thing working in my benefit as I have resumed working is that I am excellent at compartmentalizing my life. So when I am at work, I am there and not much else exists. When I am home, I am there and work does not exist. I am very appreciative of this skill now.

We have come up with a pretty good feeding schedule, well, schedule of who will do what night feeding. I do the ones the nights that I am at work that way Clementine can sleep and do the early morning one if Hester happens to wake then. I am happy doing it too. I treasure the quiet night feeding, holding Hester, and rocking her to sleep. I don't talk with her much for I am trying to reinforce that night is not a time to wake up and play. So we listen to some music and just look at each other while she eats. These times have become very special to me. Throughout the day today, when I had a moment free, I could feel Hester in my arms from the night before, the weight of her, the warmth of her and her soft blanket, the smell of her, and the sound of her soft coos. These thoughts bring such peace and joy to me.

As the end of my shift rolls around, I feel myself getting excited to come home and be with my family. There is a lightness that has settled into my heart since my little family grew to three. My focus has shifted to more domestic than ever before. This shift feels good to me.

I know that I am more likely to grow weary of my commute and want to find a job near home sooner now that Hester is here. I am OK with that too. So, while I am at work, I am really focused on getting the projects I wanted to accomplish finished and really enjoying the time I am there. I am not going to go anytime soon but within the next five years, I can see myself moving on.

So that is where I am. Hester is waking so I better go. Thanks for checking in on me.

Already?

It is my first day back to work. Wish me luck!

Gone?

I stopped the domperidone last week for it had been six weeks and that is as long as my doctor said I could take it. It is a medication that stimulates lactation. Up to that point, I was making an ounce a day and was pretty happy about it. But my milk quickly diminished to mere droplets within a week. I am so sad that it may be ending. I liked making milk for Hester. I really worked hard to embrace it and move through my emotional shit to get to a good place about breasts, babies, and milk. And I did it. But now, it seems like it is gone and I am done. I have been too sad to pump the last two days. However, I still get droplets after showers. I am still taking the herbal cocktail, yummo. Yesterday, I called the lactation consultants at Hester's hospital to see what they had to say. When Hester was discharged, they said to call if I had any questions or concerns. I have not heard back from them. I hope there is something more I can do but if not, I guess it will be over. It went by to quickly.

Hats

I am juggling three hats these next few days. I am not sure how it will turn out. I hope I can just keep everything in the air and if I must, shed tears alone or with Clementine.

The first hat is that of motherhood. I have not blogged much in the past few weeks because 1) I am busy caring for Hester, and 2) I am awash with a multitude of feelings. I feel joy to be witnessing this little life. I feel lost as I struggle to find out who I am as a mother. I feel fear that I will resort to my parents' style of parenting. I feel happiness when I hug her. I feel panic when she screams in her colicky time. I feel tired from disturbed sleep. I cannot wait to hold her again. I miss my old life. I marvel at how Clementine and I work together nearly seamlessly to accomplish all that needs to be done. I love Clementine and Hester more and more each day. I want to go back to work. I never want to go back to work. I think I am doing pretty good being a mother.

The next hat is that of music therapist. Even on my maternity leave, that life creeps in. I had go to a meeting with my intern and her professor. I had to interview a prospective intern for next year. I worked on documents for work. I proofed a manuscript for publication. I discussed and worked on a submission for presenting at the next national conference. I am bummed that I did so much on this time off but then I love my profession and my work so much. I have to go to a music therapy conference tomorrow for three and a half days. Hester may come down to join me on Thursday evening. If not, she and Clementine will join me Friday. I feel horrible leaving them for this conference. I don't really want to go but must take a course and I am on the regional executive board so I guess I have to go. But Hester has only been home for three weeks. But I miss my work life. It has been my passion for so long. How do I balance these two hats?

I have a third hat that I cannot speak much about. There was a civil rights violation and I am doing something about it. Tomorrow, I have a big, important meeting about this. I am nervous. I have never done such a thing before. But my lawyer told me to walk proudly and be strong for I am "wearing the hat of justice." My lawyer rocks! But this hat of justice is heavy and I have carried it for years and will continue to carry it for an unknown amount of time. But it is far lighter than carrying the weight of second class citizenship.

Next week, I start up with work again. I am tremendously sad this time is coming to an end. That is when the juggling act will begin in earnest.

Sucess

We had our first successful outing this week. Hester and I went to the pediatrician and to the grocery store. She did poop and puke but I handled it gracefully and stayed calm. She did cry a bit at the store as I was loading up the groceries on the belt but we made it through. I got home and was calm and even smiling. And Hester did not pee on me.

Why?

Why do they put pockets and belt loops on baby cloths?

Conversation One Week Ago

During pumping late at night on the last night at the hospital.

Hashbrown: Clementine! Clementine! I am squirting like a cow.

Clementine (laughing): You did not just say that! (Pause) Let me see!

Family Fun

While I am blogging about my parents response, let me share with you my sister's response to Hester coming home.

Great news! I wish you all the best.

Sister

I am pissed off at her. I mean, come on, this is her niece who just got out of the hospital. And I am her only sister who just became a mother. I simultaneously want to rip her a new a-hole and write her off even more. I know there are many factors at play:

1. She always wanted to be a mother but is not and is jealous.
2. She cursed me to have only puppies and kittens instead of children.
3. Perhaps she has issues still about adoption.
4. She certainly has major issues about homosexuality.
5. She and I have a huge rift that may be insurmountable.
6. She is very shut down.

Ah, who the fuck knows. They all need therapy.

Progress?

The day we brought Hester home, I received this email from my parents. Talk about timing.

Dear Hashbrown & Clementine,

Thank you for the announcement, thank you note, and letter with the pictures of Hester. We certainly appreciate you taking a picture of her in the outfit we sent. We thought she looked cute in it. She seems to be very alert with those big bright eyes. She probably does not miss a trick. That is really good.

You will be very busy and your life will be very full. It is a really good thing that Hester will have a home where she will be safe and loved.

Aunt Tater and Uncle Spud are visiting and we showed them the pictures and announcement. Aunt Tater asked about Hester's names and we were not able to tell her about them. They will be here for a month so maybe you could email us the origin of the names and we can share the information with them. They think she is a cute baby, also.

Love to all,
Dad and Mom

I don't know if it is a good sign or not. I don't want to get my heart all hopeful again that they will be nice and a part of my life. Especially now when I miss them so very much. There are so many things I want to share with them about being a parent. I wish they called all the time like Clementine's parents do. I wish they were planning to come up and meet Hester as Clementine's parents are.

What do you think? Is this letter progress?

She's Home!

Hester arrived home today around 4 PM!!!

Also

You gotta read this!

The End is Near

If you read my wife's blog then you know that Hester is getting close to discharge. It looks like this Sunday or Monday if things go well with the final treatments. So far, it has gone really smoothly over the past week. Hester is feeling great and happy as can be.

We are just so thrilled to have this journey come to an end. Last night, a per diem nurse who has cared for Hester on occasion said good bye to us. With hugs and kisses, she told us we are her favorite parents and Hester is her favorite girl in the NICU. Her outpouring of emotion was unexpected but so very sweet. It is funny to feel sadness to not be around all our new acquaintances of the nurses on the entire floor and that we will not see all the new born babies around us or the teeny tiny preemies.

We had a bit of a scare last night. I was changing Hester and getting her ready for her bottle, including 1/2 oz of breast milk (pumped all day long), and I noticed dried drainage on her ear and that it was red, hot, and swollen. The nurse was disturbed by it too so she called the pediatrician. He came and looked at her ear and said everything was OK, that it was just ear wax liquefying and draining out. Weird. But the best thing was she was OK.

Tuesday, this week, one of the first things I did was put in for my maternity leave. I am taking a month off starting the end of this week. I have only three more rides on the train and one more alarm at 5 AM to catch the train. I am thrilled to have the time off to bond with my family and relax.

I keep hearing "you better sleep now cause when she comes home, you'll get no rest." That really makes me angry because for the past nearly 7 weeks, I have gotten no rest. Neither of us have. We are at the hospital with her, often spending the night, getting up for her feedings or to soothe her, getting up at ungodly hours to then go to work, working all day, then rushing back to the hospital to do it again. And on the days we do not spend the night, we are struggling to drive home awake, getting there around 11 PM and starting over again at 5 AM. I think being home more than 1-2 nights a week, not juggling work duties and intern training, and no train rides will be much more restful even if Hester is cluster feeding all night every night. I will be home again, with my cats and dog, with my wife, with my daughter, sitting on my couch, looking at the walls we painted, showering in my shower, eating food we make. I think I will be more rested.

The other thing that pissed me off is my boss insisting that I will get nothing done because I will be so tired from no rest. Doesn't she know that if you say "you can't" to me makes me say, "Oh yes the fuck I will, just watch me?" I plan to work on revising a paper for publication and sending it off, writing two brief essays for a national internship site application, and write a policy paper with Clementine for publication. And if any of you say, "Oh, you'll be too tired" you will just add fuel to my fire to get this stuff done and show everyone that doubted me that I can.

The feelings I have about bringing Hester home and really bonding with her as a mother are so complex, they defy words. When I am not so freaking tired, I want to write more about it. The irritation at others is much easier to write about right now. Those feelings are simple and familiar. All these changes in me, my role, my identity, my boobs, I feel them and know them but the words for them are lost to my half mast eyes. Give me a few more days for a deep meaningful post.

Oh, here is Hester! She is wearing scrubs to match me!!

Share your seat, Asshat!

Yeah, I hate it when people (usually men) on the commuter rail sit all spread legged and with their bag on the seat of a three seater to avoid having to sit with people. I have had to deal with two in two days, saying "Pardon me," and looking at the seat that should be available. One acted all huffy for half the ride, the other barely moved his bag (he was still taking up two seats) and acted benevolent for giving me a seat. Asshats.

Question

Is it just me or do those new adds for IPods on the T look like people from the 80s being electrocuted by their IPod?

Just one more snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze

No, no snooze for me. Come back one year!

Last night, I took the train up to see Hester. When I got there, she was sleeping so I pumped and waited for her to wake up. I got about as much as the last time. Again, the nurses were very kind and respectful of my wee little milk amount.

Clementine arrived and we waited for Hester to wake together. When she did, I got to feed her. I love holding her close and feeling her little warm body against my chest and arms. She was very calm; she ate her bottle and fell right back asleep. I knew Clementine would not be up tonight so I offered Hester to her to hold a while. It was wrenching to let go of her. I see her so little through the week. I just more time with her. But Clementine and I have wised up and no longer do we stay until 11:30 PM. She held Hester until she settled into a deep sleep and then we said our goodbyes. We were out of there by 9:30 PM and home around 10:45 PM. I skipped my final pump for an extra half hour of sleep.

This morning, I did not hit snooze despite aching to with all my being. I fed all the animals, let Clara out, pumped, got ready for work, picked out cloths for the weekend, and made it to the train on time. Wow! Even with 3-4 inches of snow on the ground. I used to struggle to get ready in an hour when all I had to do was feed the cats and shower. Now I am at work and trying to gear up for my 12 hour shift and some very intense cases.

When I stop being distracted by the pesky things of life, I know all this is worth while because I love Hester so much. She has completely transformed my life and being in ways I never thought of.

Amazing Interview

This was an amazing Fresh Air With Terri Gross, last night. I want to go get his book now.

More Milk Please

Tonight, I pumped enough milk that it dripped down into the bottles. I carefully poured it together into one bottle, scraped every drop from the different parts of the pump mechanism and showed it to Clementine. Together, we went to Hester's nurse and showed her what I made. She gathered it into a syringe and was very respectful of my small amount of milk. She actually said she was amazed since I did not give birth. The grand total of milk was 7 ml. She stored it in the breast milk fridge at the hospital. I am off to pump one more time before going to bed. Wish me luck!

New CDs

I ordered some new CD's for Hester.

This one is awesome! Even better than the Radiohead one.

I also got these which are fantastic.

They are filled with great music.

Longing for the Long Awaited End

The week drags on and I cannot focus on work. All I think about is how much longer until the day or week is over and I can go see Hester. By body, mind, and soul ache to be with her. To top it off, the length of this hospital stay is starting to really wear on us. We try very hard to keep calm and keep our cool but things happen that we just do not like at all. It is a weird balance I feel we must keep of keeping the peace with the nurses so Hester gets good care and advocating for her best interests as a parent. The novelty (if there ever was any) of living out of bags at a hospital has long worn off. I am weary of not eating home cooked food and of not sleeping in my bed or next to my wife. My eyes long to look at our little home, the walls we painted, the couch we bought, the orange door, and even our dirt backyard. I miss the kitties and dog. And I want Hester to see her home, meet her pets, lay in her crib, and be with her mama and mumzy all day and all night without drugs, nurses, leads, monitors, lactation consultants, intercoms, and cafeteria food. Well, she eats formula so maybe not the cafeteria food. But you get the picture.

All Hester All the Time

Was there ever a cuter baby?

Seriously, was there?

I mean, come on, look at her!

"Head over heels . . . ."

The commuter rail/bus station in the city where Hester is being treated, plays 80's music all the time. The do play the big stars like the GoGos, Dead or Alive, and Culture Club but they also play the more obscure hits and b sides. Any time of the day or night that I am there, it is the 80's. It is awesome and makes me want to dig out my old tapes, dye my hair, and put on my liquid black eye liner!


"All I know is that to me, you don't like your love to burn
Open up your laughing arms, watch out here I come"

The Cuteness Continues!

Here's Hester! My little guitar gal is one month old!

Boob-Flash

So, Saturday was a tough day for me, and probably tougher for Clementine. She really is a saint to deal with me and my crazy shifting emotions. The hormonal changes in me are really making me more negative and then I have tons of negative messages running through my brain. It is hard to keep it all out.

Saturday was the big day for the supplemental nursing system (SNS). The lactation consultant was to bring one by for Hester's three o'clock feeding. As the morning progressed into afternoon, I went ballistic about lunch and missing meals and god knows what else. Poor Clementine had to be the target for my anger. Finally, after much crying and confusion on my part, I went to the bathroom to get myself together. I thought quietly about what is underneath all my anger and tears and saw the fears of breast feeding fueling my fire as well as my sadness about my parent's disinterest in my child. But mostly, the breast thing. I felt so scared of having to confront one of my dark places.

I came out and told Clementine what was going on and what I needed her to say when I got upset or frustrated. She was great and said she would try. I then apologized a ton of times for being such a crazy loon. It is awful when you strike out at those who are closest to you because you are so distressed. It is so counterproductive and awful.

So three o'clock came around and Hester awoke on cue for lunch. The nurse for Hester was a new mother (3 months) who has been nursing and had lots of great calming advise about her struggles with nursing. The lactation consultant came with the SNS and put it on me. Then, everyone, Clementine included, helped me to get Hester to latch on and start nursing. It was an amazing experience. She nursed for a bit and took 1 ounce of formula. She then got disorganized, as is one of the symptoms of her illness, and so I switched her to the bottle to insure she gets enough food. Later that day, when I pumped, the nipple she had latched onto had more droplets than ever before.

The actual act of nursing was not bad at all. It was a bit weird to have three people hovering over my breast, moving it this way and that. The feeling of Hester suckling was strong and so natural. I do not have any words to adequately describe it. I have done the SNS once each day since and every time she latches on, a powerful, primal feeling comes over me and I want to cry. These are tears of joy, not fear or sadness or loss. It is primal in that it is such an ancient feeling, like I am connected to all the mothers who have walked the earth before me, like that I am fulfilling some basic woman/breast function that completes me in ways I never knew I was incomplete. It is healing.

My friend, Ohio, has been a great support. She also was abused as a child and found the whole breastfeeding thing and parts of raising her children overwhelming with her abuse history. She is so wise and told me that it is not OK to have children in order to heal ourselves but it is OK to heal ourselves as we care for our children. Thanks Ohio.

Hester

She changes every day. It is amazing to watch.

This is an older picture from a few weeks ago. If/when I am home again, I will try to post a more recent picture. I love that little girl so much.

A Rose By Any Other Name

My parents shocked us by sending a gift and a note to Hester. It was a kind note and a cute white with pink trim and bunnies layette set. They even called themselves Grandma and Papa. Good signs, right. Maybe they are coming around. However, the problem is that they addressed the gift and the package to the wrong name. Henrietta not Hester*. What gives?

Clementine thinks it could be my mother being mean in a very Gemini way (Clementine is a Gemini as is my mother and she has taught me about the evil ways of the Gemini). My mother is well known for this trait. However, I am inclined to think that my mother is so very stressed out when dealing with me, she messed up the name. She makes all sorts of spelling errors when she emails me which she would never have done before (she is also very meticulous about language much like my Gemini wife). When my mother talks with me, she says some pretty crazy things that she never would have said before as well. Maybe I am just being too generous. I don't know.

Anyway, now that we have an address for them, we are sending a birth announcement and then I will send the thank you note. Perhaps they will get the incorrect name thing on their own and I don't have to actively address it.

A Tale of Two Titties

Here is the straight scoop on the boobs. Within one or two days of Hester's birth, my breasts started to hurt but different from the period hurt. It was centralized around the nipple. But then my period came and I was just thinking it was wicked early (2 weeks) because of the stress and the breast pain was period related.

Then, I noticed leaking from both nipples. On my 40th birthday, I pumped and got colostrum. I freaked out! But then, that Monday, I called my PCP and discussed the medication I take for acid reflux and if I could nurse with that. I then told the nurses at the NICU and asked to talk to the lactation consultant. The nurses so did not believe me. Well, to be fair, some did, others did not.

I met with the lactation consultant the following Saturday and she showed me how to pump. She instructed me to pump every three hours for 15 minutes. The nurse came to check after I finished and confirmed that it was colostrum. The nurses then wanted me to talk to the neonatalogist who is caring for Hester before nursing. I did and he wanted me to wait a week and see what happened. Meanwhile, the lactation consultant had me start fenugreek, to which I also added goats rue, blessed thistle, and alfalfa. Midweek, when I spoke to her again, she suggested I order domperidone, which I did.

That next weekend, last weekend, I spoke to another lactation consultant who was great. She taught us how to do Kangaroo care and also spoke of our many options for breast feeding. She explained the supplemental nursing system and that they could set us up with one. I felt better than I had in weeks about this breast feeding thing.

Then, that Monday, the nurses tell the other lactation consultant, not me, that they want me to see my PCP and rule out that it is not pituitary tumors causing me to lactate. Nice. So I made an appointment and saw my doctor Thursday. I was so nervous to have to explain it to her after having not felt the love from others about it. She was great and so supportive. I got the OK to breast feed from her. So I called and told the nurses and asked if the neonatalogist needed to speak to my doctor about it. He did not and they said they were just wanting to be sure I was healthy. So I called the lactation department and asked to meet with someone this weekend to learn how to use the supplemental nursing system.

I also emailed the adoption resource center and La Leche League International to see if they had any material documenting such a case. No one did. The La Leche League woman said "That is amazing! " I feel a bit like a freak of nature but Clementine, my most wonderful love, said, "You're a legend!" She is the best. Except when I asked her if my breasts had grown and she said "They are HUGE!" Not the language I wanted to hear right then.

I continued to and still do continue to get drops of colostrum. I am hopeful that the domperidone will make a difference. I dream of making enough milk to feed my child. Wish me luck.

This is a huge change for me. Remember this? I will write more but I gotta catch a train right NOW!

Parental Support

Dear Hashbrown and Clementine,
Thank you for your email and the photographs of Hester. We hope that her health progresses quickly. Living in a hospital is not the best start for a baby as evidenced your Uncle who spent his first three months in a hospital before he was adopted. We know that you will spend as much time as you can with her so that the bonding procedures will progress as normally as possible.
Love, Mom and Dad

This is all they said since we announced Hester's birth. No "Congratulations." No "She's beautiful." No "Wow." No card, gift, call to check on her progress or how we are doing with a child in the NICU. Nothing more.

Now Playing

Clementine suprised me on my birthday with a new Creative Zen Nano and the Travel Dock.

I love them both so much. The sound is phenomenal and the size cannot be beat. I am currently listening to this album on it, among others. It was a gift for Hester! She has a cool mommy.

Commuting Hell and Exhaustion

If I have any readers left, I wanted to say "Hi" and "I still do exist." Clementine and I have been just out straight trying to keep up a crazy pace to care for Hester and continue to work. It is taking it's toll on us.

Here is my schedule.
Tuesdays and Fridays, I work from 8am-8:30pm. Those days start with getting up around 5 AM. If I am at the hospital, I catch a bus to the train. Then I take the train to work. After work, I either take the train home or to the city where Hester is being treated. If I go home, I have to wait for the 10 pm train that gets home around 11:30 pm. If I go to the hospital, I will get there around 9:30 pm. On Wednesdays, I go to work as above but only work until 4:30 pm. Going home or to the hospital is much better these days as I arrive either place around 6:15 PM. Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays, I have off and I spend them with Hester all day and night.

Friday was an awful day for me. I was feeling very low, very torn to be apart from Hester. I feel that way almost every moment I am away from her but that day it was particularly bad. I cried 3 times at work that day. That is an Olympic record of crying at work, in my book. Anyway, I got totally upset about the commuting schedule. And I could feel myself coming down with a cold. I asked Clementine to come get me so I would not be sitting at train stations for ever but did not communicate it very well and she did not understand just how frustrated I was. She said she wanted to go see Hester and would get me from the train station near the hospital when I got there. I got so upset that I had to wait hours and hours to see my child, too upset. I realized that I was just too overwrought, sick, and over exhausted and the best thing for me was to go home and rest.

The following morning, I woke up and did some stuff around the house that I had needed and wanted to do for weeks. I realized that is where my grounding comes from. Just those few hours paying bills made me feel better than I had felt in days. Clementine came to get me and we spent the rest of the weekend with Hester.

Despite my words about the troubles of these past three weeks with Hester, I would not trade them for the world. She has touched my life in ways I could never explain.

MIA

I am here, sort of. I spend my days during the week at work, trying to focus, train my interns, provide treatment for the ever increasing number of children, prepare for Joint Commission, prepare for the upcoming maternity leave, and and stay calm. Nights are spent at the NICU with Hester and Peaches, as are weekends. The nurses have been kind enough to let us stay when their census is low. When we sleep there, they come get us for her feedings through the night. It is quite nice but we are sleep deprived. The thought of going home tonight after visiting Hester makes me want to cry with joy that 1) I can snuggle up with my wife again, 2) I will be in my own bed with our pets, and 3) I can snuggle up with my wife again. It is hard to sleep next to each other but not with each other. She sleeps on the hospital bed; I sleep on the chair/cot/thing.

When at work, I see Hester's cute face in front of me nearly the entire day. My heart and body longs to be with her again. When I get there and can hold her again, I feel at ease again. Tired but at ease. I believe babies exude sleepy pheromones. Also, serious lack of good sleep here.

Also, the boob thing is really weird for me. It seriously fucks with me on so many levels. My gender identity is all a wacky from the whole milk producing thing. Also being a survivor really messes with the whole breast feeding thing. I am really weirded out that I may have Hester suckling at my breast. Also, the whole pleasure from baby at the breast thing is just about enough to send me over the edge. But I am trying to breath and take it one day at a time.

So far, I am only getting colostrum. Drops to maybe 1/8th a teaspoon. Probably less. I started the fenugreek, blessed thistle, alfalfa, and goat's rue concoction. Delicious. My boxers are filled with the scent of maple. I think people must think of pancakes when I walk by. Thanks Fenugreek. The lactation consultant had me order the donperedon, which I did today. And my Hospital grade pump came to the house tonight, the Lactina. I get to pump every 3 hours for 15 minutes. Oh joy. Good bye sleep. Hello dark circles and bags.

I am going through with this despite not feeling 100% thrilled because I know it will be of benefit to my daughter. The trouble this causes me is temporary. Some day in the next year, my boobs will no longer be a milk factory and will go back to having only one job again. But the benefits to Hester will last much longer than the inconvenience to me.

Hester is doing well. She will be at the NICU for a few more weeks. I long to have her home so one can crash on the couch or bed when the other holds her.

We have been so bestowed by innumerable gifts from friends and family. It is amazing the amount of gifts and hand me downs that we have received already. I have not been home to see it all but Clementine brings the camera with pictures of the daily haul to the hospital for me to view. It is just amazing to see all the stuff. And even more amazing to see is the support and love from our community of friends and family. We are so truly blessed.

I miss my home. I need to pay bills. I need a hair cut. I need sleep. I gotta take my herbs and pump. I miss sleeping next to my wife. I long to be with my daughter. I gotta go catch the train.

Suprise!

So, yeah, on my 40th birthday, I ascertained that yes, I have started to lactate. Spontaneously. No herbs or medication at all. Just my boobs and a baby. I did not even try to breast feed.

What the fuck?

I have spoken with my doctor, the lactation consultant, and the nurses at the NICU. The neonatalogist called last night to say he would write a script for a hospital grade breast pump. I am going on to the fenugreek and the rest of the herbal cocktail to produce more milk. As freaked as I have been about it, there is no doubt in my mind that this is a gift I can give my daughter.

Gotta shower and go to work.

Crazy boobs.

In or Out

Hester's cord fell off today and she has an Innie!

My Beautiful Daughter

I love her so much.

Here's Hester

Today was a day of so many emotions; I cannot even begin to explain it all. The birth family signed the surrenders today. Hester is ours. Legally, we started our lives together today as a family. I was so joyful, I could have leaped over a building. But today was the day that the birth parents said good bye to their little girl. The sadness was overwhelming. Having spent the last week with the birth family in close quarters and very intimately, both Clementine and I were acutely aware that our dream coming true of having a daughter was because of another family's loss. That little girl is my heart and I feel such joy that she is now my daughter but it is tempered by the image burned in my mind of her birth mother and father as they passed her to me and left.

So many people celebrate this day each year with their child, calling it names like "Gotcha Day." It is common in adoption to mark this important day in the life of the adoptive family. But I do not feel this is a day for cakes and parties. It is much more somber.

I am home for a moment

The baby has moved to the NICU for management of the symptoms of her medical condition we knew about before the birth. She is doing as expected, following the course of the disorder. The nurses there are very kind. Each has had listening ears for each us when it gets to be overwhelming. They gave us the direct number to the NICU and permission to call as often and when ever we want to check on her. Each kind word and act gives us such comfort.

Yesterday, I was feeling very stressed after lunch. When I got back to the unit, the nurse invited me to come sit with the baby as she slept in the NICU. Just being next to her brought so much calm to my overwrought heart.

The date of the surrender has been moved all around over the past two days. It is now rescheduled for Thursday again but that did not sound definite when I spoke with the birth family's social worker last night. A good sign is that I am going to pick up all the paperwork we have to sign today.

We have not had the time to answer the many comments, emails, and phone calls we have received over the past week. Please know we read them all, share them with each other, and feel the love from everyone. Your words make a huge difference to both of us. Please keep both families and the baby in your thoughts and prayers.

Just One Look

We spent the day with the baby yesterday at the hospital. We were alone with her much of the day and it was so much different from the day before. She is just so beautiful. The day was filled with holding, feeding, burping, and changing the baby. She was still in the calm, sleeping phase after birth. It was such a gift to share such a quiet day with Clementine and the baby.

Much of the day, I kept my heart at a distance. She was like a friend's baby. I am trying to protect myself from being hurt if the parents decide not to go forth with their adoption plans. There are no indications that this would happen. In fact, they reassure us they will be signing each time we see them, unprompted even. They both are so very kind and strong. But, these three to four days were stretching out before me and I wanted to keep my heart safe.

But then, last night, after getting cleaned up from her first (I am sure of many) diaper blowout, she opened her eyes and looked at us. As I held her and she looked right up at me, I knew I loved this child with all my heart. As it became time to go home, I knew I never wanted to be apart from this baby. I wanted to look into her eyes every day (at least until she goes to college, trade school, or moves out on her own). My heart ached as we left the baby in the nursery and still aches as I sit here in front of the computer at home. I guess I fell hard for this little baby.

Clementine and I talked about it later and she said she knew I would love the baby right away because I have a "big marshmallow heart." As we drove home, I thought about the times I have fallen in love before, with Clementine and with my lovers before her. Each time I told someone that I loved them, each time I felt it for the first time, I was scared for my heart. The situations were not set but were new-ish and still not certain. But I took those leaps then and I guess I am taking that leap now. Wish me luck.

Loss

As we proceed this week with all the amazing things that have happened like getting the ultrasound, watching the baby be born, and spending time with the baby, I feel the hole in my heart for my parents and siblings. When we were sending people the ultrasound pictures, I wanted so badly to send it to them as well. Each night as we send pictures to our closest friends and family, I long to send some to my parents and even my sister. Instead, I turn to my friends, especially Rae who are my family of choice. I watch Clementine talking to her parents many times each day and hear about how very excited they are for this baby. I long to have this with my family, but know the reality. So I wait until if we get custody of this baby to tell my parents about her birth. It is times like this that I miss them so much.

Announcing:

A little baby was born last night at 5:10 PM. She was 19 inches long and 7 lb 6.9 ounces. Clementine and I were honored that the mother asked us to be in the room and participate in the birth. Clementine held the mother's leg and I her head. It was so incredibly generous of the mother to have us there. She is a kind and strong woman. We are in awe!

We now wait for the parents to decide if they will terminate their rights. It is supposed to happen Tuesday. Right now, both the mother and father are indicating they will follow through with their adoption plans.

I cannot explain the flood of feelings that raced through me throughout yesterday. There was the excitement of a baby being born, there was the happiness that our dreams of a baby may have been filled, there was the amazing experience of watching a baby be born two feet from our noses, there was the happiness and thrill from the father that his baby was born and beautiful, there was the sadness from both the father and mother that they plan to not raise this child, there was the mother's excitement for us to become parents. We are a bit wiped out. When we got home, we printed out the pictures of the baby for the mother and father and Clementine sat up making the photo album for them as well as a framed picture of the baby. That Clementine is a superstar. I love her so much.

So, we are up and heading back to the hospital after we get cleaned up. I feel a trip to Starbucks in my near future. Love the lovely caffeine!!

Also, after seeing the birth up close and personal, I recommend adoption whole-heartedly.

Food Poisening Vs. Norwalk Virus

What ever she had, Clementine was sick from Midnight until 8 AM, and I mean really REALLY SICK. She is feeling somewhat better now (no puking or diarrhea) and back to her normal color. One glass of Gatorade has stayed down so far. Cross your fingers and knock some wood for her.

Baby Update

So, birth mother called yesterday to let us know she is is 4 cm dilated. She is not in labor yet.

Also, she wants us there in the room during the birth.

Also, she wants to meet before she gives birth.

Also, her due date has been moved up twice to the 24th and now the 15th and NO ONE FROM THE OTHER AGENCY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD TO TELL US ANY OF THIS INFORMATION!

Hello......

Also, her agency is acting like we have weeks and months to wait.

Also, they still have not sent us the financial paperwork or any paperwork. Nor will they discuss any of that at any length with us on the phone.

Also, they have not sent us the a prenatal report since Octobers!!!

Hello! A BABY IS ABOUT TO BE BORN!!!

Also, they are not a choice!*

*A special shout out to Clementine and JPP!

Under Attack

The Legislature passed the anti-equal marriage ammendment.

Thanks for standing up for us, Deval Patrick . You are an alright guy!

I will write comments on this another day. My codiene cough syrup is kicking in.

Virus, My Ass

So, one reason I have not blogged for a while is that I have been sick as a dog. I first came down with this bug the day before Thanksgiving (November something-er-other). I waited to go to the doctor 1) because I go in a week or two into it and they say "It is just a virus," take your copay, and send you home with nothing to make you better. Thanks for nothing. Oh, and 2) because I was traveling a bunch, and 3) it's the holiday season.

I was feeling pretty crappy when I returned from the in-laws and went back to work so I broke down and called our doctor for an appointment. She was on vacation and not back until today. So I made an appointment for today (a week in advance), opting to not go to the quacks who share her practice sooner. (One quack there prescribed turnip soup for Clementine when she had CELLULITIS in her nose! Oh lest you think otherwise, these are real MD's who practice in the Massachusetts General Hospital system!)

I started feeling a lot worse on Saturday and Clementine called her Dadoo for advice. He suggested going to the walk in clinic and Musinex. Have you ever taken Musinex? That shit is crazy. I like blew my nose so many times in 12 hours, I went through a box of Kleenex, I think. My sinus headache left around hour 6 of the massive phlem flow.

Sunday, I went to the walk in clinic at MGH. The doctor there said, after I explained that I had been sick for so long and it was getting worse and how lethargic I am and how I pulled muscles in my chest by coughing, "it is a virus. You just need to rest and let it run it's course."

Are you fucking kidding me? Six weeks plus of sick and it is still only a fricking "virus?" I work at a hospital where they are always taking cultures of germs kids have and I have never heard on rounds that "it is a virus." I think the virus thing is a fricking cop-out. Now I know they are trying to not prescribe antibiotics so much any more to avoid the resistant strains of bacteria. That is cool but HELLO LADY, I HAVE BEEN SICK SINCE THANKSGIVING!!!!!!

Anyway, I discussed my points with her and she made me blow my nose and show it to her. Of course, I was all filled with musinex, decongestant, etc so there was not a lot there. She evaluated it and said I was not that sick. I felt so belittled and like I was not a reliable reporter as I talked to her. It made me really angry. I told her that it was over six weeks and it was going into my chest again and affecting my work. I have to sing for my living, hello, colds are my enemy! She finally caved and gave me the azythromyacin 5 day Kick Ass pack.

I did feel better but kept my appointment with my doctor today. It was great to see my doctor. She is so nice and she totally believed me and prescribed me 2 cough medications (codeine at night, some pill at day) and Flonaise for my nose. Thanks Doctor! Not really for the bag of meds but for listening and believing. And she did not use the V word!